Sarah Versus the Tie 1/2
Author: dettiot
Rating: T
Summary: Sarah has fantasies. But she'll never be able to act on them. Or so she thinks.
Disclaimer: I don't own Chuck. No copyright infringement intended.
Author's Note: This two-part story grew out of my thoughts on how Sarah coped with her feelings for Chuck, namely lust and love. It's one thing to admit you're hot for someone-it's something else to admit you're in love. This chapter takes place in late season 2, just before Chuck vs. the Predator. Hope you enjoy!
XXX
Sarah Walker's life used to make sense. Actually, it didn't just make sense-it was easy, even when she was flying around the world, beating up men twice her size and infiltrating terrorist organizations. Because she knew what she was doing and almost nothing surprised her. She had Bryce to watch her back and occasionally share her bed, when post-mission adrenaline wouldn't let her come down any other way. She had Director Graham to serve as a mentor and a guide. And she had herself. If there was one person Sarah knew she could depend on absolutely, it was herself.
But none of that was true anymore. Graham had been dead for nearly a year and Bryce hadn't been her partner for nearly two. And although Bryce had indicated just how willing he was to pick up where they left off-in both their personal and professional relationships-Sarah couldn't do that. Not now. Not when she was on one of the best assignments in her career and not when there was Chuck-
Through sheer determination and years of training, she cut off that line of thought and worked to assume a blank face and a no-nonsense attitude as she stepped into the wardrobe room in Castle. If she could act like everything was fine, like she was the same CIA agent she had always been, maybe she would be able to prevent any more of those embarrassing mental slips she'd been experiencing over the last few weeks.
It had been nearly a month since Cole Barker had left Burbank, but she couldn't stop thinking about him. Well, not him, not really. He was the same kind of cocky, arrogant, confident agent that she had met over and over in her career, and in a few years she probably wouldn't remember what he looked like. He thought that showing interest in her would make her jump at his offer to run away together, and if she was honest, she had a split-second impulse to take him up on it. But it hadn't been hard to realize just how bad an idea it was. To realize that a weekend with Cole Barker wouldn't help her with what she was struggling with.
Even though she had turned him down, even though she could objectively admit that kissing him had been good, it hadn't been enough to sway her. Yet unexpectedly, his presence had been like a stone falling into a pond, creating ripples in her life. And Chuck's.
Cole had been told that Chuck was a computer technician, but it was pretty clear to any agent that he was much more than a tech. After all, analysts and techs never went into the field, and Chuck did, even though he didn't have any real training as a spy-everything that Chuck knew, he had picked up haphazardly. Yet Cole had treated him like a field operative-an inexperienced, naive one, but an agent no less. Cole thought that Chuck had what it took to be a spy. And it seemed to Sarah that Chuck had responded to Cole's belief by acting the part.
Ever since Cole had left, Chuck had spent more time in Castle than before, quietly going over extra intelligence reports, beyond what she or Casey asked him to look at. She noticed that he listened more attentively to conversations when she and Casey discussed strategies or mission plans. He still said he wanted to have the Intersect removed someday, that he wanted a normal life . . . but it was like he was trying to accept the life he had now. More than accept it-he wanted to be good at being a spy.
Chuck had even stopped complaining when they had missions that cut into his plans with Morgan or his sister. He did what he was asked and the rest of the time, it was like he was . . . thinking something over. Trying to figure something out. Like he was hiding something from her.
Sarah shook her head and focused on what had to get done: pick out a suit for Chuck to wear tonight during the mission. Most of the wardrobe was full of clothing for herself and Casey. It was split between dark clothes for missions and a large formal wear area: evening gowns, tuxedos and the like. But there was a small yet growing section for Chuck, thanks to his height and build being so dissimilar from Casey's. Admittedly, Chuck could have picked out his own wardrobe for tonight's mission, but it would save time if she did it. And besides, a good handler would make sure her asset was properly prepared for a mission, down to his clothes. That's all there was to it.
Tonight's mission was taking place at a Beverly Hills mansion, at a party thrown by the Mexican business owner Nina Alvarez. After inheriting a small medical supply company, Alvarez had developed it into a multi-million dollar business. She was often in Los Angeles, moving from social engagements to business meetings, to expand her business. According to recent intelligence chatter, Fulcrum had bought a large stake in the company, reportedly as an investment property and a supply resource. So tonight, they would determine if Fulcrum's involvement in the company had lead to illegal actions by Alvarez Medical.
Unfortunately, Sarah and Casey's attempt at breaking into the mansion two nights ago had not gone well. The vast number of guards and more-difficult-than-expected security system had resulted in their accidental triggering of the alarm. They had to pass off their attempted entry as a couple who were drunk and mistook the mansion for their own, but due to their surprise, neither of them had done a good job at selling it. The head of security had let them leave, but now their faces were known to the guards, leaving Chuck as their only option for tonight.
Attending this party tonight would mean he'd have to fit in with a crowd made up of minor celebrities and the super rich. He'd have to look and act like Charles Carmichael, the young, semi-retired software millionaire that he was supposed to be. Especially if he was going to flirt with Nina Alvarez.
Sarah forced herself to relax her jaw, easing the tension that made her grit her teeth. Chuck could do this. He'd proven with Sasha Banacek that he was perfectly capable of implementing Roan Montgomery's guaranteed plan to seduce any woman. And that was nearly a year ago, before he'd had to consider stringing along his ex for information on Fulcrum and had turned to Sarah for help in doing so. And before he had really seen Bryce Larkin and Cole Barker in action, the kind of agents who could do this kind of mission with their eyes closed-the kind of agents he thought she was interested in.
It had been such a surprise, realizing that Chuck could do something so spy-like as seduce a mark. Certainly he'd been rough and a bit awkward at first, but listening to him sway the Black Widow into inviting him up to her room, seeing the terrorist throw herself at Chuck, after he had proved to Agent Montgomery's satisfaction just how well he could kiss . . .
Her cheeks flushed as she remembered that kiss. It had been months but her lips still tingled when she thought about it. She had kissed him before, but this kiss was different. Because it had been Chuck to initiate it, pulling her to her feet and kissing her deeply. Even though that kiss when she thought they were going to die was special, something about the second one made her want to experience it again. Wanted to have a confident, assured Chuck kiss her, and not for spy-related reasons.
Sarah ducked her head, trying to hide the flush on her face from the surveillance cameras. Unlike Cole Barker, most agents would look at Chuck and not believe he could be a spy. She knew he did, but that meant there were things he had to do that bothered her. It was one thing for her to be sent on seduction missions; she'd been trained by the best and she had plenty of experience. She knew how to separate her own feelings from the job that needed to be done. Chuck, though-he didn't know how to do that. And he shouldn't have to learn that.
Despite his desire for a "normal life", it seemed like Chuck was considering becoming an actual spy. And she didn't like that. Not because he couldn't do it, but because it'd take away all the sweet, wonderful things that made him Chuck. And that was the last thing she wanted.
Swallowing, Sarah made herself flick through the suits hanging in Chuck's section of the wardrobe. She was only Chuck's handler. If he wanted to be more helpful to the CIA and NSA, wanted to see what he was capable of, that was a good thing. Chuck's self-esteem could be so low that maybe learning more would help him to see just how amazing he was. Her feelings on this didn't matter. What mattered was picking out a suit for Chuck for tonight's mission and making sure he was ready to do his part.
It wasn't a formal enough event to require a tuxedo, which was a blessing in Sarah's book. Chuck in a tuxedo wasn't very dashing. Of course, due to his uncertain status, the CIA hadn't paid for a custom-made tuxedo for him, and that would make a big difference, she thought. No man looked good in the baggy, off-the-rack tuxes Chuck had been stuck wearing so far. But in a tailored suit, one that showcased his height and slimness, with a nice tie . . .
And suddenly, in her mind's eye she was seeing Chuck's bare chest.
She was acting like a girl with a crush. A teenage girl who had never seen a shirtless man before, and that was definitely not the case. There was no reason to keep remembering that moment.
XXX
The previous week
"Chuck, I'm sure that if Jeff has never gotten fired, with all the stunts he's pulled, you're safe even if you've been late to a few shifts."
"That's easy for you to say! But I need this job," Chuck said, sounding like he was on the verge of one of his freak-outs. Last night's mission had run long, right up to the start of Chuck's shift at the Buy More. Chuck was still dressed in the black t-shirt and jeans he had worn during the mission, which was a far cry from his Nerd Herd uniform. "This is the only way I make money, and Big Mike really doesn't like it when you show up out of uniform and he's been fighting with Morgan's mom-"
With a snort, Casey cut off Chuck's babble. "There's a duffel in the back with your work clothes. Most of 'em, at least." When Sarah had glanced at him, Casey had shrugged. "Thought things might go ass-over-teakettle. And Bartowski was jawing about this yesterday."
"Thank you!" Chuck said, looking relieved before turning and reaching into the back of the van to snag the bag.
Sarah frowned slightly. It wasn't good for Chuck to be feeling that much stress from his cover job. Perhaps something was going on that she needed to monitor. If necessary, the CIA could step in and find a way to tell Chuck's boss to-
Chuck was changing in the back seat.
The second she realized that, her eyes immediately flicked to the rear view mirror. He'd left his dark jeans on, but as he yanked the black t-shirt over his head, she was unable to look away. He fumbled with the white dress shirt, unbuttoning it while naked from the waist up.
She really shouldn't be watching this. She should give him privacy. But even after all this time, he was still shy about being less than fully clothed in front of her. If he had to change with her in the room, he always turned his back towards her. And yes, admittedly, there had been that shower during that mission with Jill, but she had been so focused on making sure they washed the "poison" off of them that she hadn't really noticed what he looked like.
From those quick glances, she knew that his back was very nice. But he didn't have any reason to feel shy about his front, she realized as she watched out of the corner of her eye. He might not be sporting a six-pack, but he definitely had some muscle definition. And the hair that covered his chest was just enough, in her opinion. Not like that hairy little terrorist they stole the diamond from during that mission with Carina. The mission, she realized, when Chuck had stolen a look at her changing in the car. Just like she was watching him now.
She moved her eyes away from the mirror as Casey cleared his throat. At least Casey hadn't said something sarcastic to draw Chuck's attention.
"You're a lifesaver, Casey," Chuck said. Sarah turned her head and glanced back at him, feeling both thankful and disappointed that he was now fully dressed and in the process of tying his Nerd Herd tie.
"Just cutting off the whining," Casey said, pulling up in front of the Buy More.
"I don't whine," Chuck protested as he got out of the van, pausing by Sarah's open window.
Casey snorted and Sarah turned to Chuck. "No, you don't," she said, giving him her best professional, cool, 'I am your handler and nothing more' smile. "Have a good day."
Completely belying her professional stance, her hand darted out and quickly adjusted his tie, straightening it slightly. That's all she was doing. She was not touching him because she wanted to.
Chuck smiled back at her, full of warmth and affection and happiness. "I'll check in at lunch. It's good frozen yogurt weather."
Sarah nodded, the words that leaped into her mind not something she could say in front of Casey. And being mildly flirtatious with her asset, as tempting as it was at this moment, was not necessary from a cover maintenance standpoint. It'd give Chuck the wrong idea and that wasn't fair to him, not when she knew he had feelings for her . . .
He tilted his head to one side, looking at her curiously for a moment, then he looked over at Casey. "See you later," he said to the NSA agent. And with that, Chuck turned and headed into the store.
"Peanut butter and chocolate, Walker," Casey said. It took her a moment to place his reference, finally remembering his comment during the mission with his former sensei. To her surprise, he didn't sound sarcastic or needling. More like he was warning her.
There wasn't anything she could say that wouldn't make her look guilty of his charge. So Sarah just ignored him and gotten out of the van. As she walked towards the Orange Orange, she steadfastly pushed the mental image of a shirtless Chuck into the back of her mind, putting it with a rapidly-growing pile of memories that involved him. And then she built a wall in front of those memories, locking them away. Because she couldn't think about Chuck like that.
XXX
Yanking a suit at random out of the wardrobe, Sarah heard a sarcastic voice in her head, one that sounded quite a bit like Carina, asking how well that wall was working out for her.
It wasn't. Not in the slightest. This wasn't the first time she had remembered that morning, letting herself stretch out the memory and imagine what if Casey hadn't been in the van, what if-
She hated being ogled. Feeling like a piece of meat. She'd gotten used to it, almost to the point that she didn't notice when it was happening, but that sense of being mentally undressed could make the hair stand up on the back of her neck. And now she was subjecting Chuck to that. What kind of handler was she? Not only was it completely unprofessional and borderline creepy, but it was a distraction she didn't need. If Chuck suspected that she had watched him get changed, he'd be so embarrassed.
The last thing she wanted was for him to feel embarrassed or insecure. He didn't have to be. He was a wonderful man. Smart, caring, funny, handsome . . .
And off-limits. Because he was the Intersect and considered an asset. And given her reputation within the Agency, admitting that she had fallen for Chuck, trying to have a relationship with him, would wreck her career. Not that she would admit anything when it came to Chuck. Nothing more than having feelings, period. Not feelings for Chuck.
That Carina mental voice was laughing at her.
With a sigh, Sarah leaned against the wall, holding the suit she had picked out for Chuck. This was getting unbearable. Unacceptable. She'd come close to jeopardizing assignments because of this horrible, unsolvable problem.
Her desire to protect Chuck kept growing. It had quickly gone beyond ensuring his physical safety, and it had a long time ago. How else could she explain digging through a dumpster of disgusting garbage for his sister's engagement ring or pulling strings to get him an official diploma from Stanford?
It was one thing, shooting that Fulcrum agent after the hostage situation at the Buy More during Christmas. That she could explain as "protecting the asset" and "eliminating an enemy agent." She had reasons that could be accepted by the CIA. But learning how to make omelets for her asset during a mission in the suburbs-if that little tidbit got out, she would be reassigned so fast it would make her head spin. And that would leave Chuck at the mercy of someone who didn't realize just how special he was. Someone who wouldn't fight for him the way she did.
She looked down at the suit and ran her hand over it. It was getting harder and harder to hide her feelings for Chuck. To preserve the handler-asset relationship that the CIA expected. But she had to remember who she was. She was a spy and it was all she knew. If she lost this, she'd have nothing. And even if Chuck was still interested in a "normal" Sarah Walker, she had no idea who that woman was.
Besides, she wasn't even sure what she was feeling. Perhaps it was just another repeat of her relationship with Bryce: the spark of missions and adrenaline and excitement fooling her into thinking they had something real. She wouldn't let herself get fooled again.
There wasn't much time left before Chuck would be here, and she still needed to find the rest of his outfit and prepare the equipment he'd need. Her introspection would have to wait. Once she was alone in her hotel room, the door locked and her cell phone turned off, then she could think about things like-
No, she wouldn't even let herself think about them in the abstract right now. It would be too easy to get distracted. Lately, it felt like anything related to Chuck waylaid her thoughts and took her off her game. She didn't know what was happening to her, but she didn't like it. And she didn't want to risk her job and Chuck's safety over something that she could control, something she could stop.
Sarah straightened her shoulders. She could do this. She could stay focused. She lifted up the suit, smoothing it out as she hung it on the valet station. Clothes could be armor when you were on a mission, something that gave you an edge in performing your assignment. That would be what Chuck would need tonight, so she would make sure he was ready.
There were only one pair of formal shoes that fit Chuck in the wardrobe, so she pulled them out. She looked at the suit she had picked with a critical eye-a dark charcoal gray with a waistcoat-then turned to the closet.
Definitely French cuffs, she thought to herself, choosing a snowy-white dress shirt in Chuck's size. In the jewelry section, she grabbed a pair of large gold cuff links and set them by the suit, along with the shirt. All that was left now was the tie.
Bryce had always preferred the classic tuxedo and bow-tie on missions like this, she remembered as she looked over the tie rack. And it was a look that worked for him, she admitted. Chuck, on the other hand, was a very different man. He made a three-piece suit look just as dashing as a tuxedo, especially when he had the right tie. Like any man, he didn't seem to care for ties, although he was used to wearing a tie thanks to the Nerd Herd. But the plain gray polyester wasn't very stylish.
Sarah found herself lingering over this, debating which tie would suit Chuck best, what would complete his look of bored millionaire. The red-and-black tie, with a small diamond-print pattern, would be eye-catching. And Chuck did look good in a deep red. But then she spotted a more understated tie: a blue background with wavy lines in white and gray.
When she held the blue tie up against the suit, she found herself smiling a little. He would look good in this, she knew. Very good. Enough to feel confident to seduce Nina Alvarez and get the information they needed.
She could imagine how it would happen. Chuck would approach Alvarez, pretending to be a rich nerd who had gotten bored of the party scene. He'd look into her eyes, listen to her and smile at her and . . .
If it had been Sarah, it wouldn't be long before she had taken him by the tie and pulled him in for a kiss.
Before she had realized what she was doing, Sarah found herself imagining just that.
XXX
A string quartet played softly in the foyer of the Spanish-style mansion, mingling with the buzz of dozens of conversations. Sarah looked around, feeling her hair brush against her shoulders. In a mirror she caught a glimpse of herself: carefully tousled hair, smoky eye makeup, and a form-fitting dress in a deep midnight blue, its subtle shimmer accentuated by her diamond earrings and bracelet.
Lifting a glass of champagne from a passing waiter's tray, Sarah sipped it, waiting. She'd never waited for a man before, but tonight, she was.
A hand touched her shoulder. "Sarah."
There was something about the way Chuck said those two syllables that made them special. Made her wish that it wasn't a fake name. But then, maybe it was her real name. Sometime during the years she had known him, she'd become Sarah because that's who she was to him.
Turning around slowly, she looked up at him, noticing he looked even better in the clothes she had picked for him. He looked handsome-downright gorgeous. And he was looking at her like she was the only thing that mattered in the whole world.
"Hi, Chuck," she said, her voice soft and caressing. She could see his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed.
"I-I thought I was alone tonight," he said, sounding a bit choked.
She took a small sip of champagne before setting down her glass. "Change of plans," she said, reaching out to lightly touch one of the lapels of his suit jacket.
He looked down at her hand on his chest, then whipped his head up to look at her. "Sarah?" He sounded bewildered and confused, like he didn't know what was going on.
Even in her head, he sounded so adorable that Sarah couldn't help smiling up at him. Not a cool, reserved smile, but a beaming one, full of happiness. The kind of smile that she wouldn't let herself give him normally.
"Do you like the suit I picked out for you?" she asked him, her fingers stroking the material of the jacket.
Chuck's head jerked a shaky nod, then licked his lips. Her eyes zeroed in on the action and she moved closer to him.
"And-and the tie?" Her voice had gotten breathy, dipping down into a lower register that she'd never used before.
"Y-" If his voice had sounded choked before, now it was strangled. He cleared his throat and tried again. "Yes. It-it's a very nice tie."
"Mmm," she hummed in agreement, slipping her hand up a little in order to wrap around the tie. She looked up at him through her lashes, savoring this moment. Because this was what she had wanted for months. She wanted to kiss him. Not when they thought they were going to die, not for a mission or for their cover. Sarah Walker wanted to kiss Chuck Bartowski because when that happened, she felt alive, more alive than she had felt in years.
"Sarah," he whispered, one of his hands coming up to press against the center of her back. She felt sparks when he touched her, liked that he was pulling her in closer to him even as he seemed so dazed and surprised by what she was doing.
Looking at him, Sarah felt something inside her shift and fall into place. She didn't know what it was, didn't know what it meant. But she did know that she was tired of waiting. She gave his tie a gentle tug, turning her head as he came closer. His breath washed over her lips and she let out a sigh. "Chuck . . ."
And somehow, he knew that meant he should kiss her, because he pressed his lips against hers.
It was soft at first; Sarah felt her eyelids slip shut at the gentleness of the kiss. His fingertips stroked lightly at the bare skin of her back, keeping her close to him. But then his lips parted and the kiss deepened into something hot and sexy and full of need.
Sarah gripped his tie, feeling her body melt against his. She kissed him back with everything she had: all her confused emotions, the feelings she couldn't name and wouldn't reveal, mixed with lust and desire and above all else, a deep, aching affection for the man she couldn't have except in a fantasy like this.
The need to breathe made her tear her lips away, panting. "Chuck," she said, hearing her voice break on his name.
"Sarah," he replied. But he didn't sound like how she expected him to sound. He was . . . curious?
XXX
It was all she could do not to gasp as she realized she had slipped into an embarrassingly hot fantasy about Chuck in the middle of Castle-and that Chuck was standing in front of her, looking confused.
"Are you okay?" he asked, taking a step towards her. "I've never seen you zone out like that."
"Um . . ." she said, frantically trying to school her expression and body language into something normal. She felt like her face was as red as a tomato and her lungs ached slightly at the effort to regulate her breathing. "I just-I have a lot on my mind right now."
Chuck looked at her, his eyes measuring her. "Anything I can help with?" he asked, his voice friendly.
If she wasn't a highly-trained spy, gifted at hiding her true feelings, she would let out a hysterical laugh. Instead, she managed a small smile. "No, but thanks, Chuck. I-we need to get you ready for your mission tonight." She turned to double-check the clothing she had picked out for him, making sure she hadn't forgotten anything in the midst of falling into a completely unprofessional daydream.
"Are you sure? I mean, if you need to talk, we can do that while I get changed . . ." Chuck said.
Sarah swallowed. That just might kill her. "I appreciate the thought, Chuck, but I'm fine, really. Get changed and then Casey and I will go over the mission specs with you."
He didn't look very satisfied with that, but then he nodded. "Okay." He gave her a small smile. "I like the suit. Thank you, by the way."
"You're welcome," Sarah said, hoping that she'd done enough to reassure Chuck that everything was okay. Because she really needed to put some distance between herself and Chuck. And although part of her wanted to leave and go straight to her hotel room so she could get over her embarrassment, she just nodded to him. "See you in a few minutes."
She really did only have a few minutes. So Sarah made a beeline for the large supply closet just down the hall from the wardrobe. There had been a few times when she needed to be alone while at work, and that closet had always been her go-to spot. And at this moment, she really needed her closet.
Stepping into the room, Sarah pulled the door shut and took a few deep breaths. Slowly, she felt herself calm down enough that she could get through tonight. And then . . . then she'd go to her hotel room and deal with the mess that she was in.
Because having the hots for your asset was bad enough. But if you maybe might have some kind of feelings for your asset, feelings of a romantic nature-that was the real mess.
End, Chapter 1
