Gimme Shelter
"I'm not angry. I'm not afraid. I'm not anything."
A/N Yikes, this is my first Twilight-fanfiction in a very long time so I would love to hear your comments. (:
Disclaimer All the characters recognized from Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer.
Prologue
Shattered
"Do you have any thoughts concerning this therapy?"
It was twenty past six and the sun was yet to rise over the high buildings of Seattle. The office building Dr. Cullen had converted into his own private clinic was located in a relatively quiet part of the town and the noises of the traffic and people walking down the street weren't going to truly start in over an hour or so. I liked the silence, the peace, and for some reason, I also liked the darkness. It was soothing for me, it almost made me feel secure. It was the main reason I had decided to come this early.
"Not really." What was there to say? My head was too full and yet too empty. There wasn't anything important to say. I could talk endlessly about my feelings and the demons of my past but that wouldn't really help me. That wasn't my problem and that certainly wasn't what got me here.
"Do you have any thoughts concerning your emotions?"
"I..." And again, what could I say? How could I explain it? It was all there but again it wasn't. It was just too confusing for others to understand. "I don't think I have emotions at all." It wasn't all true, but it was closest to the truth and I just couldn't explain it any better. I could see he didn't understand what I meant just by looking into his amber-coloured eyes. "What I mean is, I do have some superficial emotions, like embarrassment or amusement, but I cannot feel. I do not love or hate. I'm not angry. I'm not afraid. I'm not anything."
"I understand." And this time, I could see he really did. The look in his eyes was something I had not seen in a very long time – it was concern. I couldn't say I wasn't a little surprised by that – this was after all our first session – but somehow it felt good to know someone was even just a little bit interested about your life, that someone cared just a tiny bit. "I know you have been through a lot, Isabella, but this therapy is supposed to make you feel better. I am not going to lie to you – in order to feel better you have to go through those things again, and that might and almost certainly will be painful." When he saw my face go pale, his face took a very reassuring, calming look. "I am not going to rush you to do anything and I will not force you if you do not wish to do something. We will take our time with this and you will come back as many times as you need to get better."
"Okay." I know it sounded really dull, but I just couldn't find anything else to say. "Thank you for taking me this early, I'm really sorry if you had to come in ahead of time." I would have chosen the evening instead of the morning, but Emmett – my charming sister-in-law's husband – had insisted on me coming here early before I could do anything suicidal. He could be a real pain in the ass sometimes. And I wasn't suicidal. I didn't care about hurting myself. I was just...well, honestly saying, currently I was nothing. I was empty.
"It's okay, I'm an early riser", he said with a suddenly amused smile on his face. "And I happen to know Emmett and know he meant only well by getting you here early. But, as I now see, there was clearly no point to that." His face changed to reflect worry – and curiosity? "I tend to believe that everyone must feel something, and I believe you have gone through so much pain and agony that your subconsciousness is simply protecting you from your emotions, preventing you from feeling that distress. What I'd like to do over the next few months is to go over the events that caused your mind to come this shielded. We will go as fast or slow as you like and if you do not want to continue, I will understand that." Again, he was telling me we would not have to rush with my memories and I could easily quit this whole thing if I wanted to. If it only was that easy.
"No, I want to do this", I told him. "I...I'm just not sure how it will affect me. I've already been shattered once. I don't want it to happen again." I was ashamed to admit that, admit that someone had actually sneaked into my heart, manipulated my mind and then crushed everything without mercy. It was just humiliating to realise you actually were just a silly human being, easily fooled and even more lightly forgotten.
Somehow it seemed like he found my words very hard to hear. "I will be there for you for the hard times, I promise that", he said to me with a hint of sadness in his eyes. "Nobody is going to do you any harm anymore. This is the time for you to forget and to move on."
And so I started to pick up the pieces.
A/N Liked it? Review it. Hated it? Review it. Still looking for beta. Want to be one? Let me know.
