A Lonely Man, A Lesser Man
Summary - He knew it would be different. He just didn't realise beforehand how much he had to lose. Pre-S6 Episode 1. One, maybe two, shot.
Disclaimer – even in my wildest dreams I don't own Castle or any of the characters. If I did, you'd see way more than primetime TV allows! All the other legal stuff applies too.
First Class somewhere near the East Coast.
He's homeward bound.
Well heading to New York and the Loft.
Which doesn't feel like home these days.
His mother had done her level best to distract him, even arranging 'play dates' with the Boys from a surprisingly cooperative and sympathetic Captain Gates.
Nevertheless the Loft feels empty, the City too, both resonating with the absence of the two most important women in his life.
Leaning back in his seat he knows they'll be landing at JFK soon. He caught a mid-morning flight out of LA as he knew it would be quieter especially here in first class. The ever attentive stewardesses had got the message, and after his lunch and some autographs and a couple carefully posed candids had left him alone.
He rests his eyes, and lets his mind wander freely. Something he'd been avoiding lately. At least for most of the book tour least it overwhelm him.
He knew the separation, their separation, would be a test. They both did. They had discussed it in-depth especially once they had found a place in DC and it all became too real.
Right now he's a lonely man but he knows that will pass.
But right now he also feels like a lesser man. He's not sure when, if ever that will pass.
They knew it would be different and at times difficult. The time apart. Her new job. No longer partners. Just didn't comprehend how much the last would hurt with the ache of loss that hasn't left him yet, if it ever will.
The positives continue to astound him and maybe her.
How his second favourite word – and it's inching closer to the number one spot - trips from her mouth unfettered with such frequency. It's like the dam has burst and all these waves of love have been released over a non-existent wall. He knew if he had kept count – and he tried in the beginning but gave up when it became impossible to keep a mental tally – she would have said it more. If putting a ring on her finger was the trigger then he should have done it sooner.
The way she smiles and is around him. It's like the final remnants of that bloody barrier have gone and she's free to love him as she wants. It's the surfeit of tiny and not-so-small things that say so. The winks, the looks, the glancing and not so fleeting touches, the apartment in DC they chose together, the post-engagement portraits that adorn the Loft, their apartment and their phones.
She calls and messages out of the blue. He knows she got into trouble at least once for it but heard her rebuff her trainer – he can't bring himself to call the person Kate's partner. That's still him . Or he fervently wishes it was still so.
The post engagement sex had been fantastic but it's been almost six weeks since they were actually with each other. By far the longest they've ever been apart. Never so long apart again. Ever!
He had given in to the demands from Paula and Gina and gone on an East coast book tour. As fucking bad timing would have it the middle weekend he was away was actually the first weekend Kate had secured off and managed to keep. She had offered to fly out – breaking the rules that say she has to remain close to DC - but the tiredness evident in her voice was so strong she caved early on his insistence that she sleep and relax let alone put her job at risk for him.
She's cancelled on him twice. They're not keeping a tally and what's more surprising is that they talk it through each time. Maybe not on the first call which is often rushed but they do later. Without fail. The bitter lessons of those weeks before he asked still resonate with both of them. Vaughn, conspiracies, federal task forces, secret job interviews and job offers, doubts and uncertainties unvoiced and festered. Things that almost broke them. They have actually moved on from them, it would be too clichéd to say it has made them stronger. Different. He'll settle for that definition for the moment.
Phone calls, messages and Skype help but lately it's just increased the frustration.
Sure he wants her bodily. Since that night more than a year ago it has been rare that either had denied the other, themselves. The last month and a half had only exacerbated impulses already heightened by their engagement. The physical longing is so strong but despite this they've pretty much resisted the urge to curb the want by any other means. Except that one time at the start of the book tour. Both in beds separated by a continent. Short panted phrases and demands down a phone line and rapid release amidst mutual guilt for not being strong enough to wait, all despite their reassurances to each other over the same line afterwards.
He misses their partnership.
Right now he's lonely. So lonely.
Aside from their family and close friends the engagement has not been publicised. They want Kate to complete her training before going public. They had actually sat down and discussed it and agreed on how to handle this. His mother and Lanie had wanted them to go public – 'Girl you need to announce he's off the market' but they had been steadfast about giving Kate the best possible opportunity at her new job.
Paula and Gina have been remarkably understanding about it, to a point, and to their advantage. It had cost him dual coast book tours and a promise of an overseas tour next year some time. And an eventual reveal – Page Six, the works. Kate had been surprisingly okay with that. Really. Seven weeks later he was still surprised, almost shocked by that.
But most of all he feels like a lesser man right now. And he doesn't know how to fix that. If he'll ever be able to fix that. Because he's no longer her partner in every sense. After spending so many years proving himself worthy, the one thing that defined all their time together –even when they weren't - is lost to them. Probably forever and he doesn't know how to come back from that loss.
The time spent at the Precinct with Ryan and Espo simply makes it worse. He had to cancel their last fortnightly game night because of the book tour and hasn't the strength to admit to them that he cancelled their one before that because he was holding a personal pity party at the Loft with a good malt and some of their photo albums. He knows his mother had found him asleep on the couch with one of Kate's jumpers in his arms but didn't say anything the next day, just gave him one of those looks that conveyed sympathy and support.
The cabin announcement for preparing to descent for landing has him opening his eyes.
He's not normally that guy. He's the optimist, the giddy child. Who knew getting engaged – for the third and last time he reminds himself – could make him so serious?
Alexis is due home next week and before then he has a weekend date with Kate in DC. He doubts they'll get out much and he's fine with that. Really fine. But parting will be hard and he hates himself for his writer's mind that has him imagining their leaving before they had even kissed.
As the plane begins its slow fall towards the empty city, he brings his game face and Richard Castle makes a public appearance. The twinkling eyes, the cocky smile. He's got this. At least long enough to reach the Loft and drop the pretence.
He's a lonely man right now but he knows she can fix that, will fix it.
What he's far less certain of is how she can fix how hollow his life feels now that he is no longer her partner. He definitely is the lesser man for it and he wants nothing more than for her to fix the holes in his heart and his life. But it's something that he's not sure even his extraordinary fiancée can do. Certainly not from DC or at least from different cities and jobs that don't allow them enough time together.
Not for the first time he has doubts.
But he didn't spend five years fighting for her to turn away now. Not when she's in it as much as him.
Partners.
They promised each other always and now they have the ring and her acceptance to signify that commitment. He's going to marry Katherine Beckett and he's truly happy about that. If only it didn't seem to have cost him something that he's come to treasure almost as much as the woman herself.
There's a dull thud as the wheels touch down and the copilot's voice drawls through the cabin announcing their arrival.
He needs to shake the funk off. In a minute or two he'll get off the plane and go grab his cardboard doppelgänger and head home to the Loft. Go check out what damage his mother had done to his alcohol stocks and possibly other salient features before heading to DC and Kate.
Author's Note
It's a pre-episode one-shot but given my Beta (thank you!) has pretty much demanded a follow-up chapter we may well see a second chapter (that might bump the rating to M) as salacious details have been requested.
