Act 1: Players and Pieces
OP: Anthem - Shine On
ED: Pink Floyd - Breathe (In The Air)
Chapter 1: ECL 0 to ECL Hero
The birds were singing, the flowers were blooming, and yes we're doing this again.
Years in the future, two losers a few of you remember fondly for some ungodly reason were talking about inane shit like...talking about the character sheets they just finished?
Huh...interesting...maybe that's the spice I need.
But this is boring right this moment, we both know this, and this is an MGQ fanfiction, so let's get to the good shit eh?
Let's just...there we go. The duo stared at the black holes in their screen, exclamations of confusion ended shortly by their head getting sucked in, their screaming silenced by the voice before the screen absorbed their bodies.
Vore count: 1
Let's hope that doesn't go any higher, but with these two? Who knows.
It was a beautiful day for a baptism, Ilias thought, well, if it wasn't for that snake bitch over there.
Her disgusting fucking face looked on smugly, as if she had any chance in the universe of defeating her.
God that slut probably thought those defiling tattoos looked good.
She geared up her magic to teach her the lesson she should of taught some time earlier- it was an odd place for a final battle honestly, but she really didn't care right now.
Magic weaved- commanded by her godly might, she felt it shift to her will...until something happened.
A hole appeared in existance and she flinched.
The duo really didn't know what to make of the hole- that is until two humans shot out at speeds she couldn't react to and slammed into her face- she heard a meaty thwack on the other end of the portal though, so that was the silver lining at least.
She grimaced though as the duo of...things? Fell, but she noticed in her expanded senses that that snake bitch was flying off...and as they fell she thought quickly.
Something was intruding on her domain, and brought these two here- there was a purpose, she thought, and decided to use her head on this issue.
A flick of the energy and the portal closed and the two boys floated over to a haypile, plopping down in a heap.
She sighed, conjured, and looked at herself in the mirror.
Her godly hair was messed up! She had to get it fixed now.
And so Ilias flew away, unwittingly abandoning Luka to his fate...if it wasn't for two variables.
Let's go check up on them, eh?
"What in the jesus fucking christ did I fucking do to myself?" T groaned, eyes blinded, and his body itchy as all hell for some reason, a headache thumping in his head with immense, immense pain.
He dug himself out of the pile like some retarded chimp, kicking something that yelled in pain in the process as he toppled out of the pile of hay and slammed his face into the ground like an idiot, his mouth screaming out in pain as he wiggled out entirely of the hay and started rubbing his face while rolling around.
The other one of the duo crawled out of the pile, and fell down in a similarly stupid way- but this time he fell into something decently soft.
T's solar plexus.
T couldn't even groan in pain as he clawed Cody off of him and clutched his stomach in pain.
"Holy fuck...what the hell is going on?" Cody questioned, rubbing his aching forehead and looking around him, "T? I'd ask if you're fucking with me, but you looked just as messed up about this…" he then noticed something off about his forearm...a black piece of metal?
He stared at the object embedded into his arm in perplexed silence for a moment, scratching at it to see if he could get it loose. It didn't budge. He jumped slightly when a screen popped open in front of him.
[Name: Cody]
[Race: Human]
[Class: Expert Lvl 1]
[Attributes: STR 16 DEX 16, CON 10, INT 12, WIS 16, CHA 14]
[HP: 6]
[AC: 16, Touch 16, Flatfooted 10]
[Initiative: +3]
[Speed: 30ft]
[TAB: +3 Melee, +3 Ranged]
[Saves: Fort 3, Reflect 3, Will 4]
[Weapons:]
{Unarmed Strike: 1d6}
[Feats:]
{Monk Abilities}
{Improved Grapple}
{Able Learner}
There was a section titled 'notes' that Cody read 'I would've made you a monk because you like punching the shit out of things, but that's a shitty class, so I've decided you can opt to take 'monk abilities' as your generic class feature.
Monk Abilities: A [Insert Generic Class Here] adds her class level to her monk level to determine her class-based AC bonus, her unarmed damage, her unarmored speed bonus, and the number of daily attempts of her Stunning Fist feat. If she has no monk levels, she gains the AC bonus, unarmed damage, and unarmored speed bonus of a monk whose level equals her [Insert Generic Class Here] level. An [Insert Generic Class Here] does not count her class levels for the purpose of determining when she gains any other monk class features, such as reduced penalties for flurry of blows attack rolls, bonus feats, evasion, or other special abilities.
Generic classes can emulate some class features, right? I didn't think it was that big of a deal.' - the GM.
Cody grunted, "Great...great...no flurry of blows, thanks GM…" he thought.
T rose slowly wheezing after a minute "I...don't fucking...know...fuck…" he said, letting out a noise like a dying squeaky toy on its last legs.
That was when the duo noticed the screaming.
"What the fuck?" T said, finally recovering from the plexus blow as he looked past the haypile and noticed...everyone was a medieval villager?
"What in the flying fuck?" T intoned as he stared at the ren faire rejects- god they were ugly, but he noticed an oddity. A small boy running towards the forest, something about him being familiar as T watched him sprint off...the kid had purple hair.
"First level monk? Attribute scores?" Cody questioned the world around him, though it didn't hear him because the planet doesn't have any fucking ears.
"Cody the fuck you talking about?" T asked, looking back over confused, distracted by the mention of gamer shit- what a nerd.
"Touch the thing in your arm," Cody ordered T, as from T's point of few he was just looking at an invisible book he held up in one hand.
"The thing on my what?" he asked, rolling his american flag jackets sleeves up, coming up with nothing the first time and the little black shrapnel in his arm "What the fuck?" he said quietly as he touched it and marveled as in a flash of glowing light a book appeared "What the fuck?!" he said louder, using his large vocabulary to describe his confusion.
A regular word wizard ain't he?
"Level one crusader?" it was then that T noticed Cody's book "Wait where'd you get that fuckin- wait I couldn't see it...Maybe if someone doesn't have one of these out they can't see any of them? Weird." T said, using his brain like a champ for once as he looked back at his sheet more thoroughly, the front page taken up by...basic information from the looks of it, the next page was… a 3.5 sheet huh?
He flipped back and looked the simplified info over.
[Name: Tristan]
[Race: Human]
[Class: Crusader Lvl 1]
[Attributes: STR 16, DEX 12, CON 16, INT 14, WIS 12, CHA 14]
[HP: 13]
[AC: 10, Touch 10, Flatfooted 10]
[Initiative: -5]
[Speed: 30ft]
[TAB: +4 Melee, +2 Ranged]
[Saves: Fort 6, Reflex -1, Will 2]
[Weapons:]
{Unarmed Strike (Nonprofeciency!): 1d3+4}
[Feats:]
{Combat Expertise}
{Improved Trip}
{Knock Down}
{Able Learner}
[Maneuvers 5, Readied 5, Granted 2, Stances 1]
{DS: Vanguard Strike}
{DS: Crusader's Strike}
{WR: Leading The Attack}
{WR: Douse the Flames}
{SD: Charging Minotaur}
(WR: Lead the Charge Stance)
He browsed over the sheet, eyes reading through it quickly as he realized something with some horror and wonder.
"Wait, Tristan? Does that...Am I? Is this really fucking happening?" he asked out loud to himself, but something also spooked him.
Who'd done this to him?
Cody's book 'folded' back into nothing and he took an impromptu stance-perfect-like he was straight out of a an old martial arts movie that showed off at least some practical technique rather than overblown movements.
It came naturally to him, like it was ingrained in his muscle memory since he was born.
"This...I admit, I'm a fucking nerd and tried to replicate shit like this, this feels off...like I'm not really doing it from my own knowledge, it's really hard to explain…" Cody announced to T and lowered his stance.
T scratched the back of his head before looking around and noticing something...a pitchfork. He picked it up, wondering if- and once T thought of fighting his body moved, his form in a spear form he knew he had no idea how to do this...well.
"I...I get what you mean. It's like I'm not in control of my body." T said, shaking himself out of the stance, rubbing the back of his neck as the pitchfork felt so natural in his hands it was uncanny.
"What are your bonus languages?" Cody further questioned.
"Elven and Celestial, you?" T asked, quirking a brow.
"Mine too, both of those…" he blinked, then began to speak in Elvish.
"Can lle rangwa sina?" Cody asked 'Can you understand this?' in Elvish, "Holy shit that was weird…I've never spoke another language before outside of one word memes…"
"Ta's nostale en' weird tanya lle randomly fit english words e' im i' elvish" T said, exclaiming 'It's kind of weird that you randomly fit english words in between the elvish.' he said, realizing they didn't have a word for 'Words' but a word for 'Word' which was 'Beth'.
God that was a weird fucking language- maybe he needed to speak in tongues to get it all to work right? Elves seemed pretentious enough to do that.
"Quirks aside, where are we?" Cody suggested they'd find out, looking around at the screaming people they were ignoring-they both had the 'detached' trait afterall.
T shrugged and turned- and then everything went wonky as he felt he was forced to think of dice being rolled.
[Check DC: 15][Gather Information Check: 6+2=8, CHECK FAILED.]
He tried his best to get anyone's attention, but with all the screaming and confusion he found he just couldn't, all he learned was that, well, people were screaming.
Cody stepped away to attempt the same thing, experiencing a similar sensation in the back of his mind, however his had a bit more of a positive outlook.
[Check DC: 15][Gather Information Check: 20+2=22, CHECK SUCCEEDED!]
A woman seemed to instantly notice Cody's confusion as he approached her, she stopped trying to get into her house and let him speak what he needed to say.
"What's going on?" he asked simply.
"The guards spotted a monster outside of town-didn't hear what, a hero boy ran off to fight her!" she filled him in, and...felt calm? Did this boy calm her down a little bit by speaking?
"Alrighty, thanks ma'am," Cody replied with a faked smile, then reported back to T.
"There's a monster at the edge of town, and a 'hero boy' went after it...I think it was that purple haired fucker who's like...six inches shorter than I am," and Cody was pretty damn short. Every girlfriend he's ever had was taller than him-albeit they were all particularly tall since that was his type.
"Wait, shorter? Maybe he was a kid...shit, man we should go after him, it seems he's the only one going out." T said, resolutely, pushed on by the feeling the pitchfork gave him in his hands.
Cody nodded, "drag him out of there, surely a 'monster' can't be that bad...probably a big wolf or something…" Cody looked around the area, "that's assuming we time traveled…I bet I could fuck up a wolf."
"Hopefully it's just fuckin' that and not anything else." T said, getting a niggling feeling in his gut about what was going on as he ran past the waves of people- the amount pitter pattering out quickly enough that he could easily run into the forest with Cody by his side.
Soon enough they ran into the duo, a purple haired lad with a sword on his knees looking on glaze eyed as the slime just stared at him confused.
He looked like he was praying and mumbling something about 'Tutorials' which was…weird.
"Cody is that a real life fucking slime girl?" T said, blinking as he raised himself into stance, getting ready for the incoming brawl.
"...I...yup...that's a real life slime girl," Cody replied quietly, "You know, I feel like I'm taking this situation all too well."
"It's probably all the fiction shit we eat on a daily basis." T threw out his theory
"She even has a belly button? That's kinda cute...gross though, because fuckin' slimes," Cody added.
"I'm a fucking degenerate, but like, yeah nah fuckslave is not the kinda job I want." T said, rolling his shoulders as the slime spoke up.
"Well isn't this just a buffet! Two main courses and a tasty side dish! Now get over here you two~!" she said, attempting to be sensual.
Cody cracked his knuckles, "Eat shit and die, rapist asshole, now fuck off before we lay some hurt on ya!" Cody picked up the purple hair kid's sword and handed it to T.
T tossed the pitch fork away and took the longsword, the blade feeling better in his hand then the pitchfork as he grinned "Fall off your fucking horse." T said, making an obscure reference as the duo heard the dice roll.
[Initiative: T 17-5=12, C 2+3=5, Slime 7-5=2]
[Order: Tristan, Cody, Slime]
T felt something flow through him, some...higher power guiding him as he felt out...two of his techniques!
[Inspiration rolled: Access to Vanguard Strike and Douse the Flames!]
T decided to charge in, sprinting forth as he gripped the longsword in two hands and swung, his stance thrumming through him as he swung at the slime.
[Hitting: 4][Attack Roll: 19+6=25, CRITICAL STRIKE!]
[Damage Roll: 4+4+1=9*2=18 damage!]
T sliced through the slime diagonally, cleaving a violent slash through it, T felt his 'turn' come to a close...until something else flashed in him.
[10 damage dealt! KNOCK DOWN ACTIVATE! Free Trip Attempt gained!]
[Strength Check Contest!: T 19+7=26, Slime: 19+0=19. Trip succeeded!]
[Hitting: 4][Trip Attack Roll: 10+8=18, Attack Success!]
[Damage Roll: 1+4=5 damage!]
[Damage Total: 23!-54HP=31HP]
T shoved the blade through the slime and slashed sideways- bisecting her as she fell over onto herself, becoming prone because of the humanoid form she had forced herself in, allowing him to trip an ooze he otherwise wouldn't be able to trip.
T felt his portion of the 'round' end as she lay on the floor, Cody's starting right after.
Cody took his move action, taking a running start and sliding passed T and next to the slime, he slammed his palm forward into the slime's head...
[Hitting: 4] [Attack Roll:2+3+4(Prone) = 9. Attack Success!]
[Damage Roll: 6+3 ]
[Damage Total: 9!-31HP=21HP]
Chunks of the slime girl's face were kicked into the air as Cody freed the beast on the slime woman that was at his mercy on the ground in front of him.
She quivered in pain- the boy was one thing she felt she could handle, but this was a bit much, she lifted her form up to run- but that triggered something.
[Move action stand! Attacks of Opportunity activate!]
[Hitting: 4][Attack Roll: T 16+4+4=24, Attack Success!]
[Damage Roll: T 2+4=6]
[Hitting: 4] [Attack Roll: C 9+3+4=16, Attack Success!]
[Damage Roll: C 3+3]
[Damage Total: 6+6=12-21HP=9HP]
The duo swung together, smacking into her and cleaving more chunks out of her slime flesh, she had used her 'move action' to stand though, and could only use her standard action to move, her body losing its solidness as she became more and more like an indistinct pile of body shaped jello.
But the price of such a thing as being a slime came into play, and she slid...a whole fifteen feet away.
T felt himself gain another bit of divine inspiration as it became his turn.
[Inspiration rolled: Access to Crusader Strike!]
T clicked his tongue- he'd hoped for charging minotaur to shoulder check her to death...but it seemed fate was against him on this one.
He settled for the next best thing: A charge attack.
[Hitting: 4][Attack Roll: 17+6=23, Attack Success!]
[Damage Roll: 1+4+1=6 damage!]
[Damage Total: 6-9HP=3HP!]
"Would you just fucking die already?" T said impatiently, cursing his moderate strength score.
Why couldn't he be born a fucking half minotaur and be large? Shits fuckin' rigged he swears.
Cody's turn clicked in, he ran towards T and...leapt? And holy shit did he jump. He cleared T with a few inches to spare and began falling when he got over the slime.
[Check DC: 22][Jump Check: 19+7=26, Check Success!]
His move action complete, mid-air Cody engaged his standard action-kicking the shit out of the god damn slime as he fell onto her with both feet.
[Hitting: 4] [Attack Roll: 12+3 = 15, Attack Success!]
[Damage Roll: 1+3]
[Damage Total: 4-3HP=-1HP!]
The slime fucking exploded as Cody landed on her, an odd silence filled their bodies as the turn order disengaged-like a mental chain had been pulled off of their wrists.
"Okay that felt kinda weir-" T began before he was interrupted by a burst of mental confetti as a screen popped up in front of him.
[Encounter Won! Congratulations!]
[Enemies Defeated: 1x (Tutorial) Slime!]
[XP Gained: 1000!]
[Treasure Value: 900!]
{Items!: 10g, 3 Holy Water Flasks, Half Plate Armor, 1 System Message,
and a Masterwork Bastard Sword!}
Cody blinked, staring at the pile of loot that was in place of where the slime used to stand, and stepped away from it to take it in, "Excuse me? Wanna run that by me again?"
"Wow that loot table was slanted in my fucking favor, score." T said as he picked up the plate and began trying to fiddle it on- his body going into autopilot again as it began putting it on for him.
"You gonna pick up that 'System Message'?" T said "I'm kinda fuckin' busy here."
Cody reached down and picked up the gold and a small slip of paper with printed text on one side of it and read it out loud, "That slime had the template 'tutorial', meaning it gives enough xp to level up once. It is the only monster with this template. Also, you fuckin' rules lawyers, I will make exceptions if it's small and cool. Like jumping over ya boi T and kicking the shit out of a sexy slime. Don't bank on exceptions, because I'll drop rocks on you and you'll die."
"P.S, don't try to multiclass into a spellcaster and planeshift out of here, you and I both know that isn't going to happen. I can giveth, and I can taketh away - The Gm"
"Well this is a sick fucking joke. My kind of sick fucking joke, but still a sick fucking joke." T said "Also help me out here, takes like half the time if someone helps for some reason even if you're a fuckin' monk for some reason."
"Enough xp to level up? So shouldn't we…" a loud fucking noise filled both T and Cody's ears and they instantly knew to open the books they have in their mind to apply the level.
[LEVEL UP!]
[T: Lvl 1 - Lvl 2 HP:13+6+3=22!]
[Cody: Lvl 1 - Lvl 2 HP: 6+4=10!]
With the help of Cody who somehow knew just like he did how to help T into his new armor, the duo pressed their wrist rocks and their books came out.
T leveled Crusader up of course, gaining {Indomitable soul} on top of is {Furious Counterstrike} and {Steely Resolve 5}.
On top was +1 to his BAB and a +1 to his Fort Saves, and finally a brand new stance: {Iron Guards Glare}
Once he finished up T looked over at Cody "I'll take the bastard sword, you can take the money and the Flasks- I can't throw for shit apparently- Plus 3 to Ranged is kinda shitty." he said, picking up the bastard sword in one hand- and he...didn't feel the instinctual knowledge, his body did not understand how to use this at all, and he was greatly confused as he grabbed the handle with his other hand- to which he felt the surge of understanding.
"Fucking weird." T said, the blade came in a sheath which was nice of the DM and he strapped it to his side.
Cody stuck the gold into his pants pocket, two flasks in his hoodie pocket, and kept one held in his hand, "I can't for the life of me remember what these technically do in 3.5."
"Fuck up demons n' spooky shit, but not any more then a magic sword could. Think it was like two D six or some shit like that?"
"Maybe it'll work on Alice...holy shit Alice, did she fall out of the sky yet?" Cody question-
"Something fell out of the sky!" Luka announced, breaking from his stupor and running into Cody-bouncing off of him as he didn't attempt a true [Bull Rush].
"You two are pilgrims, aren't you? Adventurers? Come with me! I think a woman fell out of the sky!" Luka hysterically reasoned.
'That'd be fucking retarded to do given Alice is one sentence away from killing people.' T thought to himself.
"This is a terrible fucking idea." T mumbled, going along anyways at Luka's insistence and the logic that Alice was tied to the entirety of the 'Not dying from angel armageddon' plot.
They found their intrepid purple snake girl with the help of Luka fairly quickly, Cody nudged Luka instantly and ordered, "head back to the village and get yourself baptized before it's too late kid, leave some kind of clue back to the village, yeah?"
Luka gasped when Cody spoke, exclaiming, "Yeah! My baptism!" and began to bolted back towards the village. Cody took mental note of where he was heading in relation to the sun to get the direction he needed to get back, before turning back to T.
"She is important to the plot…" he said.
T sighed "I know...what's your Charisma score?" he asked
"fourteen, I put five skillpoints into diplomacy as well, and a skill synergy from bluff and sense motive...I'm at a plus eleven" Cody nodded, "she's also not instantly aggressive, hopefully that means indifferent on the mood chart...if you want to clear out in case I fuck up and die…but I think I saw on your face while we were walking you were thinking about the plot…"
"We're in this together fag, who'll be here to cover your fuckups up and give you some sweet [Aid Another]? Till death do us a not party or something like that." T said, loosening his stressed body- he needed to make her not want to do a [Sense Motive] check on his [Bluff].
Alice groaned and shifted as they drew near, Cody leading, she suddenly leapt up to her upright standing position. She took in the party's appearance for a moment and was-sniffing the air?
Cody prepped himself, running a hand through his hair, and made a [Diplomacy Check]
She leapt forward grabbing Cody's arm and sniffing all the way up it, Cody jumped and pulled his arm back...but she grabbed it again, firmly this time, and lifted it above his head...sniffing his armpit?
She let him go, then slowly slithered a bit away from him, flatly noting, "You smell weird, really weird. What kind of soap do you use? That's amazing, unbaptised too..." she licked her lips, "delicious."
Cody blinked, then replied as calmly as he could when standing in front of literally the strongest monster, "Slime."
"Slime?" she crossed her arms
"I killed a slime girl earlier, are you smelling that?" Cody quirked a brow, feigning ignorance of his smell-how the fuck would he justified the brands of soap he used from his home world?
T randomly popped in "Maybe she absorbed a buncha good smelling stuff to attract males?" he put in, his body urging him to speak and support Cody because of his [Aid Another].
Cody gulped after hearing himself speak...he had just outright killed something! "I don't like killing things...but I saw her attacking a little boy and I just...fucking lost it. I...I realized later he wasn't a boy-just the most short and feminine man I've ever seen-but still. My instincts took over…"
Cody sighed internally, glad she hasn't made a sense motive on him yet, he wasn't sure in his low level bluff ability.
"I see, so that explains what you two are doing out here I suppose, where's the boy at?"
Wait...was she making sense motive checks? He wouldn't need to make a bluff check in response if he was technically telling the truth. So she'd just see what he was saying was true...can she even make sense motive checks?
"He's heading towards Ilias temple, can't be late for his baptism…" he looked back in the direction Luka ran and gestured, "How boring."
Alice smirked a little bit when he mentioned the baptism as 'boring', speaking quietly, "Hm, boring."
"Being a hero is about self-sacrifice, it's about the less capable and easily defeated stepping up and taking a crack at impossible odds on behalf of others-not slaughtering a race and depriving it of its food source for some religion. No matter how fucked some individuals of it may be...also combat with no stakes is pretty boring overall…" he looked down at his feet and closed his eyes, pretending to be embarrassed, "there's also one too many Granberias in this world to be baptized…"
And now, we dramatically show off Cody's diplomacy check! Because believe it or not, diplomacy takes a full minute to use!
[Gather Diplomacy Check: 12+11+2(Assist Action!) =25, CHECK SUCCEEDED!]
[Alice: Unfriendly-Friendly!]
It quickly dawned on Cody that he didn't need to be good at talking, just needed to roll high...and he'd naturally talk his way out of a situation, no matter how cheesy his bouts of random half-honest philosophy was. It was a bittersweet realization, that his personal skills had been thrown to the wayside for dice...in fact he felt slightly sick to the stomach.
But more importantly, he felt like a fucking cuck for gushing like that...but judging how Luka's story ended that's what she's into.
Also, god damn he was on fire in the rolling department, not one failed check yet. The GM might think he's got some loaded dice.
Meanwhile T was thinking about something else instead of the realization their life was controlled by dice, that being thus: 'I just had to support the logic of a fuckin' slime eating shit for a good smell and that gave a plus 2? [Aid Another] is fucking bullshit! Also how did I just think in bold?'
On some level he knew the check succeeded given that he hadn't needed to make a [Sense Motive] on Alice's well, mood in terms of response, she seemed to stop exuded ambient murderous intent- which was a new thing he could feel...It felt like a sort of out of body experience of holding a D20 ready for initiative.
God that shit was weird.
"So you're a monster loving degenerate?" Alice stated teasingly, to which T cut in "And probably a heretic too." he said with a chuckle
"They literally evolved to be hot because they had too...some of them, god damn some of them just need to stop existing…" Cody noted with a shutter. Now, you may think it's odd Alice would know what evolution is, but might I remind you that this setting doesn't make any sense-they know pharmaceutical terms for fuck sake!
"Heard from one of my buddies about one that fuses you into them." T shivered "Eugh." he said, grossed out just remembering.
He was also not lying- he just wasn't stating the 'buddy' was Cody. Not telling the whole truth too fucking OP he swears.
"So you want coexistence, but only if their hot?" Alice questioned, "damn pervert."
"I don't think coexistence is rapidly achievable, but no, only if they aren't murder-raping shitbags, I'm sure there's some weirdos that would dig being pulled under the earth by a mandragora," Cody explained, "that Luka kid I was talking about earlier thinks he can head out and force it to happen though."
"If they listen to reason, they ain't committing treason." T said, before pausing "Wow I'm a fucking third wheel." he muttered to himself.
"Hm…" she stared passed them towards where Cody gestured, "Where am I?"
"You're just outside Ilias village, how did you end up in the sky?" Cody dug his hands into his pockets-which were crowded by flasks.
"That's none of your concern..."
"Ah so something embarrassing happened, say no more." T said sagely
"Nothing embarrassing happened! I just tripped from the sky!" Alice quickly but in, "On my walk."
"Nigga you ain't got any legs," Cody butt in.
[Bluff Check: 20+6-20(Circumstance) = 6]
[DC: 2][Sense Motive Checks]
[C: 10+8 = 18, Check Succeeded!]
[T: 2+3 = 5, Check Failed!]
T blinked "Okay yeah no those checks are fuckin' with my head." he said, not actually seeing a flaw in her statement- it read as truth, but he knew it was a lie.
"Wait...I'm not the only one?" Alice questioned.
"You're not the only what?" T asked, stopping his bit of mental confusion to question what she just said.
"I...keep seeing these 'checks' play out in my head," she replied, "like dice being rolled. It started happening not too long ago."
"How long ago?"
"About thirty minutes ago."
T didn't speak- had he and Cody's 'GM' forced the world to play by their rules? That...makes a lot of sense. He also wondered if only powerful beings could notice the system- or at least smart ones. Guess he'd find out at Iliasburg.
"Yeah we also see the checks- I can't, I know the facts that what you said was a bold faced fuckin' lie but I failed my check and I can't think of it as anything else but you telling the truth." T said, pinching the bridge of his nose in annoyance.
"Yeah...you don't have any legs so...how could you trip?" Cody reasoned.
"I see, so whatever happened to me, happened to all of us," Alice tried to do a bit of social judo to remove the spotlight from her getting the shit beat out of her.
"Hey Cody could you tell me what she said was a fuckin' lie?" T asked, testing a theory.
"Tristan, she was lying," Cody said slowly and unsurely.
T blinked "Yeah...yeah it was. We- yeah if you tell me the facts it overrules the checks from the looks of things." he said confused before shaking his head. "Anyways uh, yeah, you uh...okay snake lady? Don't think we got your name- Mine's Tristan, call me T for short though." T introduced himself, extending a plated hand towards the Monster Lord.
"My name's Cody, not really, I just kind of picked it up over the years.
Alice looked down at T's hand, then looked back up at the two, ignoring it, before replying, "My name is Alipheese Fateburn, but you can just call me Alice."
[Hitting: 17][Touch Attack Check: 17+5 = 22, Check Success!]
T poked Alice's cheek "You're pretty rude for a monster lord, y'know that?" he said, before pausing at the gravity of his actions.
Alice smirked, "Oh, so you know who I am? Well I guess that means I have more teeth to order you around now...you two are going to help me get to the bottom of this mental curse."
"I should eat shit and fall of my horse, I'm an asshole." T mumbled a tired reference from his lips as he sighed and stepped away- before pausing "Oh yeah Gauntlets are Simple weapons I'm proficient with- that's why I didn't get that non-proficiency on that poke...interesting.
Cody gulped and ran a hand through his hair, "Okay…" he sighed, "I suppose it only makes sense that we're in the same boat if we have the same 'curse'," oh Jesus christ, what did T do to them?
"Let's just...let's just go and- I really don't know, go to Iliasburg? Get supplies here I guess too- we only got ten gold to our name…We're roughing it hard huh?" T said, scratching his chin.
"Let's go grab Luka too, I guess, he's always screaming about adventure, and I don't want to even think of the possibility of him being nabbed by a gross monster-like a slug or something," Cody suggested, turning back towards the village, "Action economy monopoly never hurt anyone but the thing on the other end of it."
"Which is usually us- too bad for them though." T said, remembering the DM who thought throwing thirty goblins at a pair of level ones was fair and balanced.
"Don't make me wait," Alice ordered, "I'll track you by scent as you're leaving town, so don't even try bailing on me."
"Just head- oh yeah you didn't get his scent...can you smell a third human scent that's fairly recent?" T asked, knowing Scent could easily track Luka- but he's pretty sure that actually depending on a survival check or something like that.
"No need, you two are distinct enough...and I'm not talking about just your soap."
"Wasn't talking about that- I was more of leaning towards you just going to that third kids scent- he lives here so you should be able to track it easy right? That's where we're heading after we get some supplies." T said, explaining what he was talking about.
"Ugh," Alice grunted, rapidly transitioning to look like a human, "I'll just go with you…"
"I wonder if the church has books or something, I need some info on how to sharpen a fuckin' sword...at least I think I do." T talked to himself out loud, wondering if he actually needed to do maintenance or if the weird rules of 3.5 would just let him keep a keen edge no matter what.
"I have weaponsmithing, no worries," Cody replied, popping open the door to a shop and walking into it.
Cody blinked, the instant he walked into the shop he was met with a spreadsheet that took up his entire vision with prices of every item. It was transparent, so he could see the shopkeeper behind it acknowledge him.
"Hey there! Just go ahead and take a look around!"
[Bedroll x2, -2sp. Gold Remaining: 9gp, 8sp]
[Backpack, -2gp. Gold Remaining: 7gp, 8sp]
[Rations x3, -1gp, 5sp. Gold Remaining: 6gp, 3sp]
[Flint and Steel, -1gp. Gold Remaining: 5gp, 3sp]
[Pitcher, clay x2, -4cp. Gold Remaining: 5gp, 2sp, 6cp]
[Dagger -2gp. Gold Remaining: 3gp, 2sp, 6cp]
[Sling -0gp. Gold Remaining: 3gp, 2sp, 6cp]
[Bullets x20 -2sp. Gold Remaining: 3gp, 2sp, 6cp]
[Quarter-Pound of Salt, -1gp. Gold Remaining: 2gp, 2sp, 6cp]
The sling was free...just like in 3.5. Even against logic, the rules seemed to well...rule. And they seemed to have GM lazy enough to not use the city size rules. You know, like most of them. Lazy fucks.
"Where the hell did that backpack come from?" Alice said in confusion- as the said object had just appeared on his body.
"I bought it," Cody replied, quirking a brow, not questioning the game mechanics.
Luka sat in his kitchen, taking in the emptiness of his home. He planned to head out just after his baptism, but he couldn't bring himself to do it for a bit of time. He was leaving his home, likely to never return again, be it from achieving his goal and being hailed as the stronkest hero, or after being nabbed by a monster.
Psshh, the latter couldn't possibly happen.
He lowered his head and closed his eyes, about to leave, he prayed, "Ilias give me-"
A loud noise of someone slamming one of his windows made him jump and shift his vision to the figure standing in his window-it was Cody-and he was pressing his face right into it.
"Yup, looks just like the CG!" Cody announced to T.
"I wonder…" T said, before raising his hands towards the the door and-
[DC: 20][Open Lock Check: 4-1 = 3, Check Failed!]
"Well I tried at least." T said before shrugging and stepping back, having just stuck his finger in the lock and nothing else.
"Open the door, hero wannabe!" Cody yelled through the window at Luka.
"Hero wannabe? But I'm a baptised hero!" Luka yelled in response.
There was a silence, before-
[DC: 13][Break Check: Take 10+3 = 13, Check Success!]
"FUCK!" T roared as he kicked the doorknob and it smashed open.
He paused, foot extended, staring.
"Woops." T said, rubbing the back of his head as he poked his head in "Uh, sorry about that, didn't know I was that strong. Maybe the doors where I come from are just a lot tougher?" T said, looking back at the shattered remains of the lock.
Alice squeezed into the door in front of T, and took in Luka's appearance, sniffing the air. "He's baptized," she confirmed, "disgusting."
Luka blinked, "Who is she?" he questioned.
"Nigga, you literally saw a snake who looked exactly like her," Cody noted.
"I mean, yes I did, but she's not a snake lady!" Luka argued as if Cody was being stupid.
T sidled up and wrapped an arm around Cody "Let him live in his own world, it'll be fucking hilarious when he realizes." T whispered into his ear.
[DC: 15][Listen Check: 20-9 = 11, Check Failed!]
T blinked, astonished by Luka- and also wondering mechanically how he can be that fucking bad at listen.
Luka failed, so he decided to take a step closer in the hopes to hear their whispering, to which Alice switched form and wrapped her tail around both T and Cody and jerked them away from Luka, "Don't pollute them with your smell!" she yelled kinda hysterically.
"There's a snake as my belt." T said with a bad southern accent whisper to Cody
Luka screamed seeing the woman transform and grabbed his sword from off the kitchen table, pointing it at Alice and ordering, "Let them go!"
"Did the DM skip even showing us our opposed grapple checks that's how hopeless that was?" T said, then paused "Then again this is kinda nice." he said, patting the snake tail around him.
"Snake skin is really soft…" Cody stayed in character, even though he was internally screaming at how much he had fucked up this timeline.
"I could rape both of them in front of you, and you wouldn't be able to oppose me," Alice deadpanned to Luka, "In fact, if you don't put down that sword, I will do it just to prove a point."
[Opposed Grapple Checks!]
[C: 1+8=9]
[Alice: 10+31 =41]
Cody started to shift around while inside of Alice's tail, but didn't budge the grip one bit.
Luka lowered his blade, "You...you do look pretty strong…"
Alice released her captives the instant Luka said that, "Good to know you realize who's in control here, idiot."
"I'd pat you on the head to comfort you kid, but I'm pretty sure she'd flay you alive while raping me at the same time if I did so uh...Good on ya, she's not an enemy." T said, shifting his plates around to get them back comfortably
"Only the former," Alice replied, eyes narrowing, "I'd rather not eat human in a place like this."
"I'm not sure if that's supposed to comfort me or discomfort me so I'm just not gonna think about it." T said wisely as he scratched the back of his head and turned to Luka fully.
"So, yeah sorry for the door- The baptism was well...yeah in hindsight not the best, given we'd like to bring you along on the adventure- but uh...yeah we have a guest that doesn't like you smelling like angel liver. Which kinda made this whole situation a lot harder and I overreacted." T said, doing a little bow with his hand on his heart.
Alice's eyes shot open when he mentioned angel liver, "how do you know what that smells like?"
"A monster girl who mentioned it. Iliasport is friendly with mermaids so I couldn't pass up the chance to learn some stuff." T shrugged ",that's how she described it, and I believed her." he said nonchalantly.
"Sure...damn pervert," Alice replied, "let's just go, I trust you know how Iliasburg can help us."
"Good food and away from the temple," Cody shrugged, "we really have no idea where to even start, but here is a definite no."
"We probably should have bought a map at the general store." T noted, realizing their mistake- given that maps were usually overlooked in their campaigns.
"I...I have a map," Luka said, "I assume you wanted to travel with me…" he eyed Alice as he spoke, grabbing and threatening two randos wasn't the greatest first impression. Or...mayhaps the baptism did something to him besides reflavor his bodily fluids?
"Yeah, you seemed like the type with a lot of potential, but also the type to head out too soon- so we were gonna ask if you wanted to travel with us. Power in numbers and we can help you along." T said, and blinked as the dice rolled in his head.
[DC: 15][Diplomacy Check: Take 10+7+2(Circumstance) = 19, Check Success!]
[Luka: Friendly - Helpful!]
T blinked, not only at the fact that the proverbial 'Hand' in his mind caught the dice and put it on 10, as in, he had just taken ten. He didn't think in this world the 3.5 rule of taking ten- as in not rolling so that the system could embody consistency and why blacksmiths probably don't fuck up horribly randomly, or other craftsmen for that matter- they take ten, meaning they used skill only so to speak instead of bursts of luck.
He was glad to know he didn't need to always roll shit- albeit that would have been handy earlier with Alice.
"I...I trust you. You saved me and that snake lady I think, so I believe you. I'm in your hands!" Luka said passionately before stopping "Uh...what's your name?" Luka asked, tilting his name to which T chuckled in response.
"I'm T." the aforementioned person said, before pointing at Cody "That's Cody." and then he points at Alice "And that's Alice." T said, finished up so that Alice didn't put her tail in her mouth and make party relations even worse. "And we caught your name in town- Luka, right? Get your stuff and let's head out before it starts getting closer to night- fighting blind isn't the best y'know?" T finished his words with a clap.
"Don't stand too close," Alice deadpanned, "monster repellant."
Luka was about to speak back before he realized something.
If he smelled to the point of being monster repellant- how was he supposed to convince monster girls to not be violent?!
He entered a mental depression, slinking into his home as he gathered his things- before he thought of something.
Those two were travelling peacefully with a monster girl- maybe he could convince them to help!
Marveling at his genius plan and grasping onto it for dear life- he got his things with a pep in his step.
Meanwhile T plopped down into a seat whilst he was planning his 'Evil' schemes, Cody sat across from him and began to speak an important announcement,"T, I'm not actually a monk…"
"Wait- what really? Is that why you didn't flurry of blows earlier?" T said, recalling the slime fight
"Yeah, I have a generic class-'Expert', the GM said monk was a shitty class," he explained, "I get bonus feats like a fighter does, but there's something off about them, my feat selection menu is fucking huge-not bound by 'fighter feats', but there's something else that's off...I can choose other class features."
"Oh that? Yeah that's a thing, guessing Expert is like Warrior in that book then." T said, flexing his system knowledge as he leaned onto the table.
"I checked my other class options, I can't multiclass out of generic classes-I'm stuck with them," Cody clicked his tongue, "I haven't selected my feat yet."
"Eh? But aren't you fuckin' human?" T said, then paused "I think the DM's fucking with you for entertainment value." he said, stroking his beard covered chin.
"Who's this 'DM' you're talking about?" Alice questioned, she at this point noticed the metal in Cody's arm, "What is that?" she pointed at it.
"One question at a time, Alice," Cody replied, she slithered over and grabbed his wrist, touching the metal and-
Her book opened, making her scream, "Ghost book!"
"Wait, fucking WHAT?!" T yelled with her, snatching her book and looking at it.
T stared for a long moment before sighing "I can't see her fucking sheet- Just mine." he said, placing it on the table before he touched his wrist and popped out his own book, flipping through the pages before he found something.
"Share sheet?" T said, quirking a brow, then sighed.
"We get magic fucking books but not magic fucking pens don't we?" T said to the sky.
"Magic pens? Why?" Cody grabbed the book Alice had produced and presented it to her, "We need you to read thi-"
"Get that away from me!" she yelled and retreated to a corner, quivering. Cody lowered it, then turned to T, whispering, "Knowing her stats would be useful but...having this as an asset is better…"
"Damn fucking right." T whispered back, touching his wrist and sucking his book back up into the ether or wherever it came from.
"Ever since we started getting checks, we began to manifest ghosts from our wrists at will," Cody turned to Alice.
"P-p-put it away!" she demanded, digging her face into her hands and turning towards the corner. Jesus, this woman is dumb when it comes down to it.
Cody touched his metal, and his book came out, he put it away and said, "I can't you have to touch the metal again…" and started to approach her-she suddenly jumped towards him, gripping his wrist as tight as she could and causing her sheet to unmanifest...and Cody to grit his teeth in pain after experiencing his hand being stuck into a vice.
"What's going on in here?" Luka questioned.
"Oh nothing, just ghost," Cody replied.
"Ghosts? Ghosts!" Luka screamed.
