She walks into her apartment, home from another day of grueling classes. She absentmindedly drops her bag to the ground and toes off her shoes. The old Rachel Berry would pick them up and place them where they belong, but she's not the same Rachel she used to be. Not even close.
She walked passed the kitchen of her and Kurt's apartment without giving it a glance. When was the last time she ate anything? She couldn't answer that question. She yanked open the curtain, revealing her once spotless bedroom. What was once tidy and organized was now a mess of clothes, sheet music, and textbooks. She looked at the sheet music and scowled. Broadway didn't seem so important if Finn wasn't here to support her. She picked up some of the papers and crumbled them into a ball, her anger building with every sheet.
It's been like this ever since Finn left her. The sane part of her knew he did it for her own good, that it would benefit her, them, in the future. But the other part of her mind, the part overtaken by a grey haziness blamed herself. She wasn't pretty enough for Finn. She wasn't what he wanted. She wasn't good enough for him; she would never be. Her mind was full of these thoughts, swimming around. They kept her up all night. Her mind liked to play tricks on her. She started to tell herself that Finn dated her as a joke. She was just to get a laugh out of some of his friends. Or did Finn not love her anymore? She didn't know, she just knew that she wasn't enough to keep their relationship together.
She gets out of bed and slowly makes her way to the bathroom. She locks the door and turns to face the mirror. She takes a good look at herself in what seems like months. Her once bright eyes that were full of life were now dull. Her cheekbones had hallowed, a result of skipping out on meals. Her mouth was turned into a permanent frown, there was nothing to be happy about. For the first time in awhile she let her insecurities come out. She touched a finger to her nose and let a tear fall down her cheek. Maybe that's why Finn didn't want her anymore. She wasn't pretty, she never was. She hated herself, for too many reasons. Maybe if she hadn't been so annoying her and Finn would still be together. It's all your fault, she tells herself. The sane part of her mind seems to disappear. She hates herself.
She pulls open the mirror, revealing bottles of pills stacked on shelves. She lifts her arm and runs her fingers over them, taking note on what they are. The old Rachel Berry would think this erratic behavior to be juvenile, but she's not the same girl she was just months ago. Things change.
The old Rachel Berry would consider making a pros and cons list before making a huge decision like this.
The old Rachel Berry would definitely not be pouring colorful pills into the palm of her hand.
She's not the same girl she used to be.
She freezes when she hears the door to the apartment open, meaning Kurt's home. He calls out her name and she shoves the pills back in the bottle. She slams the mirror shut, causing the content on the inside to rattle. Next time, she tells herself.
