Title: The One Who Knows
Author: Drake Tepes
Rating: 13+ (Adult Concepts)
Disclaimer: I own nothing but my own insanity, though credit to others for bringing it on.
Summary: Xander reflects on why The First Evil didn't pay him a visit.
Author's Notes: Post-Chosen.


The First didn't come to me.

It came to everyone else, but it didn't come to me. We've won, yeah, but it didn't come to me. It's nagging at me at night when I'm alone. It didn't come to me.

The reasons why it didn't, so many possibilities. All so true.

Sometimes I think it was because I didn't matter enough to be visited. What could I have done to stop The First? To even hurt it? So it didn't waste time on me.

That'd make sense, it's simple and it fits. I wasn't worth noticing.

There's only one problem with that. I'm "The One Who Sees."

I think that's why The First didn't come to me. What could it show me that I hadn't already seen?

Show me dead friends accusing me, wanting to know why I'm alive while they aren't? I see that when I close my eyes, in my dreams.

Show me that I'm the weakest member of the group, the least able to help out in a fight? I see that in real fights, I see that and shake in frustration at not being able to help the people I love… but I try to help anyway.

Show me how I'm a distraction that gets people hurt? Again, that's something I live through that haunts me. What random person might have been saved from a vampire attack had my friends not needed to rescue me?

Show me just how worthless I am, how stupid and foolish and idiotic I am? I hear that all the time. There's a little voice in my head that sounds like my father… who repeats what my father said. Sometimes it repeats what my friends have said… when they're angry or don't know I'm around, and I hear things I shouldn't. This foolish boy knows.

All The First could have done was show me who I really am. From my failure with Anya, and how I hurt her. From the disappointment I'd seen in my father's eyes. From the condescending sneer from Spike. From the derisive look from Angelus. From the rolled eyes of Willow. From the oblivious laughs from Buffy. From the lack of respect from Giles. From the… from the acceptance of Dawn.

Years ago I came across a line in a comic book that stuck with me. It's always seemed to fit. "Hell isn't a place, it's a state of mind. It's when you see yourself for who you truly are." I told Dawn that I saw things and she said maybe that was my power. The power of seeing and knowing what was going on. Caleb labeled me. I'm "The One Who Sees."

I have been tested and I've seen myself. I've seen myself sacrifice, to lie, to hurt others, to risk everything… I've seen the best and the worst that I can be. It's a strange power when you truly see yourself. To truly see yourself is to truly know yourself. And that is hell.

I know what I'm capable of. It's one thing to think you know how you would react in a situation. It's another to actually know it. To know that, to protect those people you love, you would sacrifice your life and soul. That you'd kill anyone, man, woman or child to protect them. To know that, if it came down between your life long friend who is the other half of yourself and the girl you loved from the first moment you saw her… that you would kill the girl you loved to protect your other half.

To know that you're a hypocrite. That you're willing to stand on a bluff and let your best friend kill six billion people because… she's Willow. And you can't hurt her, world be damned. Yet you'd lie to Buffy so she would be able to kill the man she loved so that those six billion people would live.

Seeing. Knowing. This is hell. I think… This is why The First didn't come to me. What could it possibly show me? What power could it ever have over me? What words, what images could you conjure to taunt me with?

How can you torture a man who is already in hell?