Dear Athena,

How are you? How's the weather? How's the dog? I think you have a dog. Do you have a dog? I'm not sure. I really want to know. In fact, I'm going to find out now. Give me a couple of minutes- I need to rush a bit before they wake up.

Back. If you've been wondering why I ran to Henesys, grabbed your Lieutenant Corporal and asked him whether you had a dog, you know the reason why. The six burnt-out taxis was completely not my fault, I swear. They were in the way. What's the matter with people nowadays? They just can't seem to get out of your way!

But anyway, the taxis did not melt in vain! I have found out that you do not, in fact, have a dog. And that is a satisfying answer. I hate dogs. They always bark when I come near them. I really don't know why. I don't openly provoke them. Except maybe by chucking stones at them. Which is a perfectly reasonable response to them growling at me. They started it, Athena!

I don't see how they could possibly hate me.

So… uh. How are you? If you see any blood on this letter, blame Dances. He's woken up and he keeps whacking me on the head with his spear every time I-

Ow. That hurt, Dances. And it's still hurting. Athena, please hunt him down after my funeral. That man is a menace to society!

Ow. You've made you point, Dances. Quit hitting me. Never anger dangerous warrior chieftains, 'Thena. Might be the last thing you ever do...

In case you're wondering why Dances is here, hitting me with his heavy, dangerous, pointy spear, I want to add that Grendel is here too. To be honest with you, I don't know why they're here. I mean, I can write a letter perfectly well without them standing over me like creepy old bodyguards.

OW. On second thoughts Athena, promise me that you won't ever get Grendel angry. It hurts. Really bad. And he's not healing me.

With a delicate prod from Dances, I continue writing this letter. You might be wondering why on earth I'm scribbling away on a scrap of paper. It's, well, because…

You know that kind of, uh, feeling you feel with people of the opposite gender?

Actually, it can be of the same gender if you swing that way. If you know what I mean. Really, it's fine with me. I have no problem at all with tha-

Ouch. I am never talking to either of you ever again. Don't show your faces 'round town anymore, 'cause I'm not covering for you when you get beaten up by my bartender.

Ow.

Let's get another example…

You know when Grendel started, um, like, uh. Liking you that wasn't in the way of me liking chocolate? I don't like chocolate that much, actually. But we're ow going off-topic again, and that seems to make Grendel hit me. Dances is currently messing around in my room, and I'm scared he'll set off one of my booby traps which will kill us all. There, he's stopped messing around now.

Back to the subject. When Grendel started liking you, I, uh. Felt kind of weird about the whole thing. I mean, yeah, he didn't look old back then but still! It was weird. And you know all those things I did to annoy you…. Which could have included being involved in the Fire of Ellinia, but I'm innocent until proven guilty, I'm not sure why I did them.

I actually actively planned on doing something for once.

Athena, you have a negative effect on me ow.

What d'you know? Turns out saying bad stuff gets me a whack too. Y'know after Grendel stopped, um, feeling that weird way for you, I relaxed. It was as if I was holding my breath while he was feeling that weird way for you and now that he didn't feel that way anymore, I could breathe again.

I felt like an overprotective big brother. But that would be Dances. Scania knows, he's mean enough. So if I wasn't an overprotective big brother, then what the hell am I?

Then Grendel told me that I was feeling jealous. Why I would feel jealous of Grendel beats me. He doesn't have that much to be jealous of. But I had to listen to him or else he would hurt me.

The last time he hurt me, I saw Scania and discussed nuclear physics with Him.

What I mean to say is…

Athena.

Um.

I like you a lot.

Not in the I-like-chocolate way, I don't like chocolate, at least I think I don't, but in a different way. Like the way Grendel used to like you and thank Scania he doesn't now otherwise I would hurt him.

He can meet Bera and discuss translating the Libellus Deus, Book of the Gods, into something more politically correct.

There.

I've said it.

So…um… Athena?

Uh.

I don't know how to say this.

Quoted from 'The romance of Lady Windia and Lord Scania', would you care to have a tryst with me?

I hate you Grendel. Yes he hit me again. And yes it hurts. But Athena...

Will you go out with me?

I don't know whether to write 'love' or 'from' here, because Grendel has fallen asleep and Dances activated one of my booby traps. He's now lying down on my carpet. I actually like that carpet, and he's drooling on it.

I don't blame Grendel for falling asleep- I do, but that's not the point, 'cause we've been at this since yesterday morning. And now it's… 17 minutes past Midnight.

So…

Uh.

I remain your most loyal and humble servant,

Forrest Dark

P.S: I really didn't know what to put, so I just put in one of the things from the sample letters Grendel brought for me.

P.S.S: I'm not your most loyal and humble servant. That'd be Grendel.

P.S.S.S: Just because my stupid bratty students can't call me anything but 'Dark Lord' doesn't mean I don't have a name. I have a perfectly nice name, and I like to use it instead of some flimsy, stupid title of 'Dark Lord'. Plus it'd be weird for you to call me the 'Dark Lord'. You never do that, do you? Why?

P.S.S.S.S: I haven't eaten since yesterday morning. Can you send someone over? (I think it would be better if you didn't send you Lieutenant Corporal.) With food?