Warcraft III Abridged:
Thrall awoke from a troubling dream, and walked out into the night. Beneath him the orc camp slumbered soundly, as night creatures went too and fro. A deer walked through the trees. 'Well that was odd,' said Thrall.
At that moment a raven landed and transformed into a man. 'Humanity is in peril! The tides of darkness have come again, and the whole world is poised upon the brink of- Oh I'm sorry thats the wrong script! I need you to forget you heard that.'
'Okay.' said Thrall.
'Ahem,' said the Prophet straightening himself out. 'the sands of time have run out, son of Durotan.'
'Whose Durotar?' asked Thrall.
'Durotar, and he's your Father, obviously.' said the Prophet.
'Well yes, obviously,' said Thrall 'but the commander doesn't know that, so I think it only fair if you explain it to him.'
The Prophet looked around. '…Who are you speaking about again?'
'The commander is my friend, who provides me and my forces orders to gain victory in battle.' said Thrall 'He is an omnipresent entity who can see the length and breadth of the land, and follows my orders without question. Isn't that right commander?'
'…Your imaginary friend aside,' said the Prophet 'I need you to steal some ships from the Alliance and travel west to a continent you didn't even know existed until I told you about it. I also need you to do this in about… well in the next five days would be good. Ten tops. So yeah, you won't have any time to pack supplies, meaning that you would probably all starve to death in any rational world.'
'Okay,' said Thrall.
'…Really, thats it?' asked the Prophet.
'Well I have absolutely no idea who you are or what your agenda is.' said Thrall 'But I trust you completely. I'll gather the Horde and go over the sea to the west in a manner in no way resembling Lord of the Rings. Or the chronicles of Prydynn, but nobody has read those books in the warcraft fanbase anyway.'
'Oh, well this has been quite productive.' said the Prophet 'Anyway I need to go meet the King of the humans. Bye.' Then he became a bird and flew away.
'What a nice guy.' said Thrall.
A swift sunrise rose over the Alterac highlands as a lone raven flew across the barren lands, into greener pastures and finally into the Capital City of Lordaeron. It flew over a hill of ants who were busily working to bring food to their queen and passed into a throne room, where King Terenas was listening to his councilors.
'The horde is on the move!'
'Plagues have gripped the northlands!'
'Death and famine beset the land! A plague of locusts now descends upon us!'
King Terenas was really, really bored. The Kirin Tor were droning on about some vaguely defined plague which would surely prove to be of no threat whatsoever. Oh, and the scattered remnants of the Orcs were on the move, but there really wasn't all that much he could do about it.
Then a bird flew into his throne room. Was it a talking bird like in Narnia? If it was that would be the awesomest thing ever. He was pretty sure there weren't any talking ravens in the Narnia chronicles. Unless, had there been one in a Horse and his Boy?
Hang on, Terenas was pretty sure the Kirin Tor wanted to institute quarantine on his Kingdom. He had to put a stop to this potentially good idea at once. 'I will not institute quarantine without proof of your claims, Ambassador. The people of Lordaeron have suffered enough, without becoming prisoners in their own lands.' There, that way any action taking by the Alliance would be too late to save anything.
Then the bird began to glow! It was a talking bird wizard! That was awesome!
Oh, wait. It was just a human in disguise. What moron had made the doors to his throne room open into the city where anyone with a grevience could come in with a sword and commit regicide anyway? It wasn't good security.
'Yet, prisoners they are good King.' said the Prophet.
'Give me one good reason not to have you beheaded for snarking at me.' stated the King bluntly.
'Humanity is in peril!' cried the Prophet, heedless of his own very real peril. 'The tides of darkness have come again, and the whole world is poised upon the brink of war! The only hope for humanity is a mass exodus from a fertile land of rivers and forests to a nightmarish dusty barren place, where countless thousands would surely die of thirst and starvation without adequate supplies.'
'Hang on,' said the King 'you want us to bring over the entire population of Lordaeron, on leaky transports, all the way over to an entirely unknown land?'
'Yes.' said the Prophet.
'Bit of a tall order don't you think?' asked Terenas 'Actually its not just tall, its freaking impossible.'
'No its not.' replied the Prophet obstinately.
'Allow me to explain.' said King Terenas 'You see I could not fit my entire army onto the ships I currently have in the Alliance Navy, which are not all mine to command. My army is less than 6% of the population of Lordaeron. Maybe 12% if you count the veterans now retired. This means that for me to transport the entire population of my Kingdom to another continent I would have to build more ships than currently exist in the entire world.'
'Oh.' said the Prophet.
'Not to mention supply issues.' continued King Terenas, on a roll now. 'Sending a small colonization is one thing, but this is not ancient Athens. I can't just tell the country to pack up and move to another continent because an enemy army is on the way. Especially since said enemy army is by no means apparent.
Besides, even if I could do as you suggest, you haven't given me any indication as to why I should trust the words of a rambling prophet. This is my homeland, logically we have the home field advantage here with many strongholds and loyal retainers, not to mention food.
Perhaps you should be more specific?'
'More specific?' asked the Prophet. 'How?'
'Well I don't know, tell me that my son is going to go mad from fighting an undead creating plague, chase a demon to northrend, then come back and murder me. Something like that, you know.' Terenas said, annoyed that he had to instruct the Prophet on his own trade. 'That way when I don't listen to you anyway it will have a tinge of dramatic irony.'
'Actually you got it right.' said the Prophet 'What you just said is exactly what is going to happen.'
There was a long, long silence. 'Jesus Christ,' snapped Terenas 'this hack can't even come up with his own doomsday prophecies! He has to steal mine! Get out of my throne room!'
'I failed humanity once before,' said the Prophet gravely. 'I shall not do so-'
'Seize him.' snapped King Terenas.
'Oh god the pain! My ribs! My skull! No, don't break my kneecaps, I need those for walking-AHHHH!' screamed the Prophet as he was tackled by a force of burly footmen who began beating the everloving crap out of him with truncheons. King Terenas sat back in his throne, smiling to himself.
'Its good to be King.'
…
Prince Arthas arrived in Uther's encampment, tall, blonde haired and bearing a simple maul over one shoulder. Lord Uther, an imposing and brown bearded man in heavy armor, greeted him kindly. 'Prince Arthas, the men and I are honored by your presence!'
This greeting seemed to disturb Arthas, who halted to look at him in concern. 'Uther, are you feeling okay? You usually are not so formal.'
'Well lad, I've just been reading up on how to suck up to- I mean speak respectfully to royalty.' said Uther, motioning with a book. 'In retrospect the author isn't very well qualified.' He tossed the book into the fire. 'So, how is your Father?'
'Well he's set out a warrant for the arrest of the Prophet which came by recently.' said Arthas 'Said something about plagiarism.'
'We exist in a world threatened by creatures ripped straight out of Tolkien, and he's complaining about prophets?' asked Uther wryly.
'I never said it was logical.' said Arthas 'Anyway, here's where we stand. Our scouts, that is to say, me, have reported in. It appears there is an Orc encampment hidden somewhere over the next ridge.'
'Just as planned.' said Uther.
Arthas blinked. 'You want to clarify that statement, Lightbringer?'
'I meant to say 'as I suspected.' Uther added quickly.
'…Be that as it may, the Orcs are planning to move against the nearby village of Strahnbrad.' continued Arthas 'Despite being a fortified settlement, the locals embrace a policy of total pacifism, and believe that burning all the weapons will stop wars. Consequently the village is completely defenseless.'
'Curse you Relena Peacecraft, does your influence know no bounds!' snapped Uther while making a fist. 'Listen, I'm going to move against the Orc camp at once. Can you handle Strahnbrad's defense on your own?'
'Of course Uther, don't worry about me.' said Arthas.
'Good, meet me at the Orc camp after you've saved the village.' said Uther 'Oh and by the way, I'm taking your entire army.'
'What?!' Said Arthas 'Now hold on a second-'
'Can't hear you!' Called Uther as he rushed off, the entire army following him. 'Tell me how the whole the 'saving the village' thing works out.'
Pretty soon everyone except Arthas had left the clearing, and he was left alone to continue the mission. 'I just got ditched by my entire army, didn't I?' asked Arthas with a sigh. 'I hope this doesn't become a trend.'
Thus he began his journey down the road, along the way, and then right off the road into the midsts of a pleasant little village that most certainly wasn't Strahnbrad. He travelled into the village, and was suddenly approached by a woman.
'Please, you have to help!' she said 'A group of Gnolls kidnapped my little Timmy and took him to their hideout in the forest! Could you find him and bring him home please!'
'Of course!' Said Arthas 'Rest assured, ma'am, your son will not be devoured on my watch.'
'Well, actually there's no risk of that.' said the woman, sounding somewhat embarrassed. 'You see its more like I didn't want to follow the courts verdict on the custody battle, and kind of stole him away from his Father. So they stole him back. So I need you to murder his Father, and his Fathers friends so that custody will fall to me. No one will question you doing it, since your a Prince and they are Gnolls.'
Arthas stared in horror. Mentally he felt his sanity wavering a bit. 'I… I don't… I'm just going to keep walking now.'
And he swiftly retreated away from them. 'Wait!' Cried the Woman 'I'll sleep with you! I'll sleep with anyone really, or anything! Thats why I have so many children!'
Needless to say, Arthas left the village behind with all due haste and continued on his journey, walking along until he saw in a clearing a man standing in the open. He approached, curious.
'Save us.' said the man in a complete monotone.
'You really aren't putting much work into this whole 'innocent in distress thing, are you?' asked Arthas in deadpan as he approached.
'Well it worked didn't it?' replied the man.
Suddenly a group of level one creeps rushed out of the woods, with pathetic stats and horrible HP. Seriously, they positively screamed 'starter villains'.
'Good morning gentlemen,' Said Arthas 'I am Prince Arthas, Paladin of the Silver Hand, protege of Uther Lightbringer and one of the most talented swordsmen in the land. Would you care to state your business?'
'We're common footpads! Give us all your money!' they called.
'Hang on,' Said Arthas 'I thought this was Warcraft III abridged, not Oblivion Abridged.'
'No, no, this is completely different.' they said.
'How?' Asked Arthas.
'Well in Oblivion common footpads powers and equipment are scaled with the protagonists so that they are a legitimate threat no matter how high you climb. Thereby making the process of leveling up entirely useless. In contrast, in Warcraft III, we level 1 bandits are pretty much fodder for even the weakest of infantry units. I mean if we were enforcers we might have stood a chance, but I don't think even the Night Elves would break a sweat wiping us out, much less the Alliance, and the less said about Orc units the better.
So we're pretty much screwed.'
'And your still going to attack me?' surmised Arthas in bemusement.
'We bandits make a virtue of suicidal overconfidence.' they explained. 'Slaughter them all!'
Thus the battle was joined and Arthas wiped the floor with them so quickly, I'm not even sure why I bothered recording this situation. Really, most people completely miss this section on their first play through anyway, and you can reach Level 2 without it regardless.
'What a senseless waste of human life.' reflected Arthas sadly.
A few moments later, Arthas was continuing on his road when he came across a grim scene. A group of Bandits were surrounding a merchant and his life, and the merchant turned to Arthas. 'Help! Bandits are stealing our belongings!'
Before Arthas could reach them, however, the Bandits pulled away and fled. 'Heh, we'll take their coin just like everyone else's.' said their Leader.
Arthas came up to the man, who turned to him. 'Those bandits stole my ledger. Without it, I will lose my entire farm. Please, retrieve it from their camp. It would mean so much to us.'
'Okay time out.' Said Arthas 'I'm on a mission to save the entire village of Strahnbrad from rampaging Orcs, meaning that dozens, nay hundreds of lives may be in the balance. This mission is incredibly time sensitive too.'
'Whats your point?' asked the Merchant, obviously not understanding.
'Well, don't you think its a little selfish to expect me to set aside the fate of Strahnbrad just to retrieve your personal property?' asked Arthas gently.
'Wow,' said the man 'your right. It is kind of selfish. I think I'm going to completely rethink my life. This has truly been a valuable experience for me.'
'Really?' asked Arthas hopefully.
'Of course not!' snapped the man. 'Selfish?! Me?! As if my personal property was not worth more than the fate of a few hundred poor people! Away with you begger!' And then he marched off imperiously.
Arthas paused as he took in what had just happened. 'You know, I am sort of the Prince of Lordaeron here. Can I please get a little respect?'
There was no reply.
He sighed. 'Apparently not, well I'd better get this over with.'
Meanwhile, Warchief Thrall was waiting for the arrival of the rest of the Horde. 'Hmm,' he said 'I wonder where Grom is? He and the Warsong Clan were supposed to have been here by now. I sure hope he hasn't embraced demon worship again.'
Meanwhile, in a clearing not far from the orcs base, Grom Hellscream stood over the corpses of dozens of mutilated innocents. Bodies had been impaled on stakes, and skulls set on pikes. The orc himself was soaked in blood, and held an axe stained with gore aloft.
'Soon Lord Mannaroth will be summoned and this wretched world will burn!' Hellscream roared to the heavens, as he stood within a pentacle. 'BURN! BURN I SAY!'
'Don't worry Warchief,' said a warrior 'Grom would never betray us like that.'
'Yeah,' said Thrall 'I should trust him. He would never be that irresponsible.'
Far away, Grom Hellscream burst into maniacal giggling.
Arthas crossed the bridge to Strahnbrad and came round the corner to find the town in flames before him. The gates had been cast down, and a man fled towards him, pursued by Orcs. 'Save us.' the man said, in a voice of intense disinterest before being hewed down.
Then Arthas sprang into action, hacking and bashing his way through the streets. Endless droves of orcs fell to his hammer, as he hewed them down with ease. On and on he fought, until the orcs had been driven into the northern section of town. Finally he routed them, and emerged victorious.
Unfortunately many of the towns people had been taken prisoner.
'Bless you Prince Arthas,' said a woman.
'But what about the others who were taken away?' asked a child.
'I wouldn't worry about it.' said Arthas 'Uther Lightbringer was heading to attack their base long before I got here. With any luck he's already destroyed their base, and intercepted the slavers en route.'
The sound of hoofbeats then could be heard, as around the corner rode a knight clad in shining mail, and holding a lance in one hand and a sword in the other. He pulled his horse to a halt before Arthas, and looked down. 'Prince Arthas,' said a Knight 'Lord Uther needs you at the orc encampment immediately.'
'…I stand corrected,' said Arthas after a moment, slightly annoyed. 'well at least we've got the Knights of Lordaeron riding at our backs.'
'Actually,' said the Knight 'we joined the Lordaeron Military for the wearing of fancy uniforms, and the swooning girls, not so much for the killing and the dying. So if anybody needs us we'll be hiding under beds refusing to be of any assistance for the rest of the campaign.'
The Prince could tell this was going to be a long day.
…
Authors Note:
Hello and welcome to the first chapter of Warcraft Abridged, a concept I once tried to make in the Warcraft III world editor, only to give up after a couple of episodes. Triggers are not easy to use. Either way, this is roughly the script I'd written out for episode one, in fanfiction form.
Enjoy! Not sure how far I'm going to take this particular concept, actually though I have a lot of great ideas. Tell me what you think.
