Behind Blue Eyes by Miaka Kennyuuki

(Song Fic) Slash - Draco/Harry PG-13

Summary: Draco contemplates how his life has been lived, and the one reason he wishes to change.

//No one knows what it's like, to be the bad man, to be the sad man, Behind blue eyes//

"Behind Blue Eyes", Limp Bizkit

*Draco's POV*

I sat in the Great Hall during breakfast, thinking about the letter Father sent me yesterday. It had been much worst than the others. At least in the others he had called me his son. In this recent one, Father had begun it with 'Boy', as if I wasn't even worthy of my given name anymore.

Maybe I wasn't. A Malfoy was someone who met every situation with grace and finesse. They never stumbled, were never used, never backed down, were never defeated. They were the epitome of intelligence and wit. Just so was why it was so hard to be one, even for my illustrious father.

Lucius Malfoy had already broken several Malfoy rules, one of which was the most important. A Malfoy was never used. Father had broken this several times since Voldemort's reign began. He couldn't even sum up the courage to claim this wasn't true. Lucius was Voldemort's puppet, and I was his.

Yes, I can admit to myself that my father uses me. I am simply the child he sent to Hogwarts to do his bidding. I have no kind of life here. I walk around a shadow of my true self, picking fights with Potter and stepping on people as my father did during his time at Hogwarts. I had earned the reputation of junior Death Eater. Shouldn't I be proud?

I wasn't. My father wasn't. What kind of life would I have, but bloodshed and torture, as my father lived? Kissing Voldemort's robes, bowing and scraping as no Malfoy should? Being tortured for the slightest mistake, torturing in return? I did not have that in me. It would most likely be the end of me, but I had to refuse.

Yesterday morning, my father's eagle owl flew down and dropped his letter in my lap. I opened it, after carefully setting aside my silverware like the polite, well-mannered Malfoy that I was. I still chewed a bit of egg, which maybe wasn't wise, but I took the chance. When I opened the letter, and read the contents, that bit of egg fell from my slack mouth and the entire table turned to stare in shock. Maybe I shouldn't have chanced the egg.

Either way, my robe front was ruined, but I hardly noticed. Father had sent me a message, simply stating that in one week I would be initiated into the Death Eater fold and would be taken out of school indefinitely. This shocked me immensely. There wasn't a single Malfoy in history that hadn't finished school aside from the first, Malcolm Octavius Malfoi, and that was only because Malcolm was poor and unable to afford it. The very thought of keeping a Malfoy from school was proposterous.

Another sign that Father was ruining the Malfoy name and all loyalties that went with it. He'd already broken the first rule, yet he dared desecrate the rule against schooling? It was unheard of to pull a Malfoy from school. Lucius Malfoy was out of hand. All this so that I could become a Death Eater. I think not.

Also in the letter, Lucius informs me that he had learned of my initiation task before hand, simply through connections. He wanted me to cheat through my initiation! The task? Kill Severus Snape. Apparently Professor Snape, a Death Eater himself, had been found to be Dumbledore's lackey and spy, filtering information to the Headmaster about attacks and such. According to my father, if I killed Snape now, before I recieved my orders, I would be revered among the Death Eaters and given a high position, higher than the one my father's name would earn me by default.

Every teenager's dream, eh? Wrong. I had no desire to become a Death Eater. But no matter, the school, the students, everyone had already decided for me. I saw it in their eyes everyday. 'Malfoy is already a Death Eater.' 'Just look at how he walks and talks.' 'Did you hear what he said to Harry yesterday? Definitely evil.' The entire school saw me as my father come back from past, and condemned me as such. Nothing I could say could change their minds. That's alright, though.

It only matters what I think, right?

***TBC***