Prologue
Sebastian paces the length of their apartment like a prisoner, alternately looking at the clock on the living room's wall and at his cellphone.
Please, be OK, let me know something, please…
It's been three hours since his boyfriends have gone to the hospital, three excruciating hours during which Sebastian has thought and dismissed at least two thousands apologies. He's drowning in guilt for what he's done; of all the petty, stupid things...
A buzz suddenly jerks him back from his self-deprecating thoughts and, heart in his throat, he basically launches himself on the coffee table, where the name Kurt glares at him under the incoming call message.
"Hello? Kurt? Is he ok?!" Sebastian can hear how frantic he sounds, but he doesn't really care all that much. Blaine is injured and it's completely his fault, he has a right to be upset right now.
The silence on the other line is deafening, and for a couple of moments he thinks of complications, and Blaine in a wheelchair because of him, and a lifetime of regret and sorrow and self-disgust…
He's getting so worked up that he almost misses Kurt's sigh and his words: "He's in surgery. The bone's broken in a strange way. They'll let me know if there'll be any lasting damage."
Of course the bone's broken in a strange way, because why would anything be easy in Sebastian Smythe's life? He's hurt Blaine, again and he's in surgery because of him, again. All because he was a bastard and couldn't keep a good thing in his life, no matter how hard he tries.
"As soon as Blaine is in his room, we'll need to talk."
He closes his eyes, already feeling a pit of dread deep in his stomach. He knew this latest stunt wouldn't end well, but in the back of his mind he hoped that they would give him another chance, that they wouldn't want to break up woth him. He wasn't the heartless piece of shit he was in high school...
Aren't you? Last time was your tampered slushie that put Blaine in the hospital, wasn't it?
"Do you want to break up?" Sebastian asks in a whisper, and another long sigh from Kurt it's his only answer – and this just scares him more. He can't lose Kurt and Blaine, not now, not since these last nine months have been the most wonderful of his entire life. "Please, don't. Give me a chance to make it right. You know I'm not always like this, I had a brief return of Sebastian the high school asshole, but it was an only-one-time thing. Please, reconsider?"
He knows that he's begging, and he doesn't care for shit. Pride has never done good for him, and if he has to grovel a little to not lose his boyfriends, he's well ready for it.
He can almost imagine Kurt on the other line, biting his lips and pinching his nose between his eyes. He does it often when he's stressed. "Not my call, you hurt Blaine, after all. And I'm not really sure you're that much different from the evil chipmunk I met all those years ago."
Ouch. OK, that stung a little more that it should have. The evil chipmunk remark is one memory he's fond of now that they're together and happy, he actually laughed for minutes when Kurt told him the story of that particular nickname. But now it's said in such a bitter and disappointed tone that he feels all of an inch tall.
It also doesn't escape his notice that Kurt hasn't called him by his name since he picked up, as if he's trying not to think that the person who's hurt his boyfriend is the other boy with which he shares a very unconventional yet beautiful relationship with. As if not acknowledging Sebastian would make this whole crappy situation a little less real.
"I am. Different. I am, I swear. You know I'm different, Kurt, please. You've learned to know me in these months."
"I know nothing." And now Kurt tone is cold and his rage is barely contained, he can feel it simmering even over the phone, and he shivers involuntarily. He really screwed all up. "I certainly not know why my boyfriend would call me in a world of pain, telling me to pick him up from our home because he's been attacked by my other boyfriend. Attacked so bad that he now is in surgery to reset a nasty broken leg. Do you have any sensible explanation about that, Smythe?"
Sebastin flinches, feeling like Kurt just slapped him or stabbed him or something equally painful. He hasn't been Smythe since the photoshopped Finn's photos. He feels hope slipping from his fingers the longer the conversation continues.
He'd like to defend himself, except there's nothing he can say to make this right. He certainly didn't mean any bodily harm; he was just angry with Blaine, and he may have pushed him a little too forcefully against their library, and the blasted thing just decided to go crashing on his defenseless boyfriend without giving him time to do anything but stare in complete horror at the mess, hearing Blaine scream in his ears…
And when he tried to check on him and help him, apologies stumbling from his lips, Blaine had looked at him in abject terror, afraid of having Sebastian anywhere near him, cradling his injured leg protectively with one arm while the other was curled on his head, almost expecting more harm coming from him. It had broken his heart so thoroughly that not even Blaine's sharp order – "Give me my phone and get the fuck out" – had shaken him. Kurt, panting and disheveled, having obviously run from his office to get to Blaine, had found him in a sort of catatonic state just outside the door.
"I…" Sebastian wants to answer so badly, but he knows he can't possibly make this better. "I don't. I was an asshole and I feel like crap. I deserve whatever you want to dish out, just… I really don't want to lose you."
"Again, that's not my call. If it was me in surgery, you'll be out on your ass the second I was out. You may want to start packing, because as forgiving as Blaine is, I doubt he'll overlook you being a violent bastard, intention or not. Certainly I won't vouch for you." Another flinch, his throat starts to hitch and his eyes burn suspiciously. He's really starting to lose it. He forgot how much Kurt can hurt with his words, it's been that long since they had a serious tongue lashing.
Before he can formulate whatever answer without feeling like he's going to start sobbing the moment he opens his mouth, Kurt carries on: "I gotta go now. I'll probably text you when he's out since I don't really want to hear your voice anymore. And don't you dare come in person, we'll let you know if and when."
His tone is firm, Sebastian wonders if these are his instructions or Blaine's. In the end, it doesn't really matters and he hasn't a choice. "OK. Bye, Kurt. I'm really sorry." Kurt ends the call without bothering to reply.
He's left alone with his thoughts, a dangerous thing when he's feeling so worthless and dirty.
Fuck. There has to be something that he can do to atone, something that will satisfy not only Blaine, but Kurt, too. Something to make himself worthy of them again, some form of punishment to make them forgive him and get rid of this awful guilt…
After lots of brooding, the thought strikes Sebastian like a bolt and he almost jumps out of his skin to reach the closet in the hallway, rummaging trough it until he finds an old cardboard box with P-S etched on the side.
It was a gag gift from Jeff and Nick for Blaine, at the five years reunion of the Warblers. Sebastian attended, too, and he still remembers the fierce blush on his face when he discovered exactly what was in the box. At the time, Sebastian was equally irritated, amused and slightly awed at the arrays of sex stuff pulled out in the general laughs. Apparently, Nick's uncle owned a sexy shop, "Pleasure-seeker", and let him pick something every couple of months or so, Jeff added special treats with his money. Some people have all the fortunes.
Now the box doesn't seem like such a laughing matter, while Sebastian pulls out an heavy leather paddle, some restraints for wrists and ankles, a metal cock cage and a menacing wood thing that he knows how it's used but not its name. There's also some flavoured lube, a plug and a gag.
Yes, this could work, or so he hopes. If he offers himself for punishment, if he submits himself to a little pain and humiliation maybe they'll see how sorry he is and how serious he is about making amends and forgive him. Maybe only the offer could be enough and they won't even actually doing anything. And if they do, he can take it, and probably can forgive himself for the pain he caused Blaine, too. Yeah, this is perfect.
Satisfied about his plan, Sebastian takes the box in their bedroom and tries to think about the best way to ask his boyfriends – because they still are and they'll be for a long time, if he has his way – about it.
