Third Time's The Charm

Chapter One:

The Decision


"But in the end one needs more courage to live than to kill himself."

-Albert Camus


Usagi stood on the roof of her building complex, alone. From this height, the wind was harsh against her skin and her hair was smacking against her body. Even so, she was numb to the sense of touch. Below her, people milled about. She couldn't hear their voices from where she stood, too far up from the busy nightlife, but she could see couples walking hand in hand. It made her heart ache. It wasn't their fault, really. They were ignorant to her apprehension and her weary heart. The world goes on despite the tragedies occurring in anyone's life. No matter how much she wanted time to stop, the people below her kept moving and her heart kept sinking. This wasn't a dream she could wake up from. This was real life and the fears she had harbored leading up to this day had inked its way to reality. No doubt her cell phone, abandoned in her apartment, was filled with voicemails and text messages from friends and family checking in on her. It was too much just thinking about what awaited her A pressure tightened around her body. She felt it most in her chest—fighting to breath, she curled her arms around her waist. This action caused her to regain her sense of touch and her fingers felt the softness of satin. Her wedding dress. It had been in better form. Now, however, the pristine white was gone, replaced with stains she couldn't remember how she received. It didn't matter. A whimper escaped her lips and she held herself together from falling to her knees. Her choice was simple, effortless; jump or not jump. Usagi never thought she would arrive at this question—always seeing the beauty in the world, the first to make the most of life out of her friends and family. But that was before. Love was everything to her and it was gone. Again.

I can't do this again.

The agony was tearing her apart and Usagi felt the need to tear at her skin with her nails, pull out her hair and scream at the world about how unfair it was. Love was supposed to be fair. Warm and kind. Even though she had seen her fair share of heartbreak, she didn't think it could hurt this much. And hurt this much twice. How could she face anyone? She could see it: her body tumbling over the edge. Two steps forward would end it all. The image flashed through her mind over and over and over again and she needed to make it stop. One step forward. She hesitated. Hands shaking, she brought them to her face and cried, sobs rattling her body, knees trembling ready to give out.

Don'tdoitdon'tdoitdon'tdoit.

It was a rush of conflicting thoughts pulsing in her head—a war; destruction every which way. Usagi could see them: her family and friends. The life that she had built for herself (she wondered when it become someone else's to have). She wasn't so sure she could leave what would remain behind. Her mind was fighting itself—there was nothing to live for—the faintest of notions that this wasn't the end and there was more to live for. Always a different path to unfold and discover even if it felt like this had to be the conclusion. This was one chapter in her life that had come to close and she didn't need to end the story. She had to carry on, proving to those that left her behind that she was so much more than they took her for—more than what she had been reduced to. Even though she would still, undoubtedly, remain in the rush of emotions she was sinking in, time would be healing no matter the situation.

I will survive. I can beat this.

She wouldn't jump: a fighter through pain and suffering. And then she felt it bubbling up her throat—what had been in the back of her mind since she found out he wasn't coming because she wasn't important enough, never enough. Hands curling into fists at her sides, words escaping between her lips, "I shouldn't have let you in!"

Relief. Incomplete, but a respite nonetheless. Breathing in deep into her belly, she stared at the night sky as she took a step back. A brave face. Resolute. Hugging herself, she said, "Never again. I won't make the same mistakes. I—" her voice cracked and she let out a shaky breath to strengthen her words. "I won't be heartbroken anymore."

The world would be left staring at her resolve for she was strong and courageous and would not let this beat her down. Impenetrable walls were building around her heart for protection, brick by brick, layer upon layer. She would survive in her own way. Below the world continued—cars zooming by, the cluck of a person's step, lights shutting off in apartment windows as the night wore on. She would continue with the world. Time to turn the page and begin.


Author's Note:

I was going to write the third chapter since I did for Kazuko, but I read over the first two chapters and wasn't satisfied. Much of it is the same, but I did made major-ish adjustments in terms of writing as well as removing a scene.

As always – Thought, feelings, and emotions!?

-ff9moonie