The following television show is entirely ficticious. Any similarities to the history of any person, living or dead, or any actual events is entirely coincidental and unintenional.
Except where noted in the cast and crew credits, all celebrity voices are impersonated and no celebritieshave endorse any aspect of this show.
We are however not not endorsed by Carrot Top, who did not answer the phone when we called to ask for his endorsement.
--
(Ring, ring...) (A telephone is ringing! In Dante's house.)
Dante: Ahhh! (Throws a baseball trophy at the phone to cease it's ringing.) Hey, where'd that trophy come from?
(Screen becomes wavy as Dante flashes back to the morningafter his high school reunion. He is laying on the floor holding the trophy.)
Dante: Manager.. Oh, manager...
(Screen waves back to Dante in his bedroom.)
Dante: No, really, where the hell did the come from? Ahg, well, I ought to go ahead and open up the store, I guess..
(Cut to Dante pulling up to the Quick Stop.)
Dante: Wait a minute, why are the lights on?
(Dante goes to open the door which swings open, causing Dante to fall right at Randal's feet.)
Randal: Hey now, why are you here?
Dante: No, why are you here?
Randal: I'm opening. Didn't the boss call you?
Dante: Well, then why haven't you opened the shutters?
Randal: I figure we'll get less customers this way. Only the smart ones will figure out that we're open.
Dante: No, the smart people would turn away and go to an obviously open shop. The dumb ones'll try to get into the closed looking store.
Randal: No.. but... um.. Shut up.
(Open credits.)
Randal voice over: Clerks is edited by a live studio audience.
(Shot from within the Quick Stop. Dante is standing behind the counter reading a newspaper. Randal is filching snackcakes and yoohoos for breakfast. He approaches the counter.)
Randal: I got you a soda, Dante.
Dante: You bought a soda?
Randal: No, I got you one out of that cooler back there.
Dante: Dammit randal, if you get free drinks then everyone will want free drinks, and then there'll be no drinks left.
Randal: That's not true. Remember when you let us have that Gatorade for the hockey game? We didn't run out of that.
Dante: Yes we did.
Randal: Oh yes.. It's all coming back..
(Screen goes wavy. Dante is sitting on the floor of the freezer wearing a diaper and dumping Gatorade on a cat.)
Dante: I'm Dante and I'm the biggest idiot ever.
(Screen waves back to the Quick Stop.)
Dante: Fuck you.
Randal: Hey, don't blame me for your Gatorade wasting.
Dante (looking down at paper): Hey, the Big Choice video is shutting down. That's good, now there'll be more business at the RST.
Randal: Good? Are you retarded? Business is bad! It's exactly what I don't want! I have to stop them from shutting down. But how?
Dante: Knock it off Randal. Why don't you go open the video store?
Randal: I think I will. And I say goodday to you.
(Randal walks over to the RST video, but is tripped by Jay, who then proceeds to laugh at him.)
Jay: Watch where you're going, ya cocksmoking clerk.
Randal: Gopeddle your wares elsewhere, burn boy. You stupid stoner fucks (Stands up and brushes himself off) standing around here doing nothing. I have to go open the damn video store so that i can borrow Dante's car to go rent movies. Unlike you two, I have things to do.
Jay: Ah, shut up. Me and Silent Bob here are on the job. And if you really hate the store so much, why don't you just quit and let some other dumbass do it?
Randal: Yeah, like anyone else is stupid enough to. Wait a minute.. What would you guys say if I said I could pay you twenty bucks?
Jay: I'd say fuck no, I ain't going down on no guys, specially some stupid ass clerk. Tubby here, on the other hand, might be willing to-
(Jay is halted midsentence by Bob's glare.)
Randal: No, what I mean is what if I paid you twenty bucks to stand here like you're already doing and keep people out of the video store.
Jay: Fuck yeah bitch. You hear that Silent Bob? We're making twenty bucks.
Randal: Alright then junkie, I'll pay you when I get back.
(Randal goes and unlocks the door to RST, then heads back over to the Quick Stop.)
Dante: Back so soon?
Randal: Actually, I had an epihany regarding my social status as a clerk. I don't have to work if someone else does it for me.
Dante: And who is running the RST?
Randal: A very qualified craftsman.
(Flash over to Jay and Silent Bob in front of the RST. A customer walks in, then after a few seconds walks back out again.)
Customer: Hey, I want to rent a movie and there's no one working. Where's the clerk, can you ring me up?
Jay: It's not my fucking job. Why don't you just take the damn movie?
(Flash back to Quick Stop counter.)
Randal: So, now that the video store is in good hands, can I borrow your car?
Dante: Fine, but hurry back.
(Fade out to commercial.)
Except where noted in the cast and crew credits, all celebrity voices are impersonated and no celebritieshave endorse any aspect of this show.
We are however not not endorsed by Carrot Top, who did not answer the phone when we called to ask for his endorsement.
--
(Ring, ring...) (A telephone is ringing! In Dante's house.)
Dante: Ahhh! (Throws a baseball trophy at the phone to cease it's ringing.) Hey, where'd that trophy come from?
(Screen becomes wavy as Dante flashes back to the morningafter his high school reunion. He is laying on the floor holding the trophy.)
Dante: Manager.. Oh, manager...
(Screen waves back to Dante in his bedroom.)
Dante: No, really, where the hell did the come from? Ahg, well, I ought to go ahead and open up the store, I guess..
(Cut to Dante pulling up to the Quick Stop.)
Dante: Wait a minute, why are the lights on?
(Dante goes to open the door which swings open, causing Dante to fall right at Randal's feet.)
Randal: Hey now, why are you here?
Dante: No, why are you here?
Randal: I'm opening. Didn't the boss call you?
Dante: Well, then why haven't you opened the shutters?
Randal: I figure we'll get less customers this way. Only the smart ones will figure out that we're open.
Dante: No, the smart people would turn away and go to an obviously open shop. The dumb ones'll try to get into the closed looking store.
Randal: No.. but... um.. Shut up.
(Open credits.)
Randal voice over: Clerks is edited by a live studio audience.
(Shot from within the Quick Stop. Dante is standing behind the counter reading a newspaper. Randal is filching snackcakes and yoohoos for breakfast. He approaches the counter.)
Randal: I got you a soda, Dante.
Dante: You bought a soda?
Randal: No, I got you one out of that cooler back there.
Dante: Dammit randal, if you get free drinks then everyone will want free drinks, and then there'll be no drinks left.
Randal: That's not true. Remember when you let us have that Gatorade for the hockey game? We didn't run out of that.
Dante: Yes we did.
Randal: Oh yes.. It's all coming back..
(Screen goes wavy. Dante is sitting on the floor of the freezer wearing a diaper and dumping Gatorade on a cat.)
Dante: I'm Dante and I'm the biggest idiot ever.
(Screen waves back to the Quick Stop.)
Dante: Fuck you.
Randal: Hey, don't blame me for your Gatorade wasting.
Dante (looking down at paper): Hey, the Big Choice video is shutting down. That's good, now there'll be more business at the RST.
Randal: Good? Are you retarded? Business is bad! It's exactly what I don't want! I have to stop them from shutting down. But how?
Dante: Knock it off Randal. Why don't you go open the video store?
Randal: I think I will. And I say goodday to you.
(Randal walks over to the RST video, but is tripped by Jay, who then proceeds to laugh at him.)
Jay: Watch where you're going, ya cocksmoking clerk.
Randal: Gopeddle your wares elsewhere, burn boy. You stupid stoner fucks (Stands up and brushes himself off) standing around here doing nothing. I have to go open the damn video store so that i can borrow Dante's car to go rent movies. Unlike you two, I have things to do.
Jay: Ah, shut up. Me and Silent Bob here are on the job. And if you really hate the store so much, why don't you just quit and let some other dumbass do it?
Randal: Yeah, like anyone else is stupid enough to. Wait a minute.. What would you guys say if I said I could pay you twenty bucks?
Jay: I'd say fuck no, I ain't going down on no guys, specially some stupid ass clerk. Tubby here, on the other hand, might be willing to-
(Jay is halted midsentence by Bob's glare.)
Randal: No, what I mean is what if I paid you twenty bucks to stand here like you're already doing and keep people out of the video store.
Jay: Fuck yeah bitch. You hear that Silent Bob? We're making twenty bucks.
Randal: Alright then junkie, I'll pay you when I get back.
(Randal goes and unlocks the door to RST, then heads back over to the Quick Stop.)
Dante: Back so soon?
Randal: Actually, I had an epihany regarding my social status as a clerk. I don't have to work if someone else does it for me.
Dante: And who is running the RST?
Randal: A very qualified craftsman.
(Flash over to Jay and Silent Bob in front of the RST. A customer walks in, then after a few seconds walks back out again.)
Customer: Hey, I want to rent a movie and there's no one working. Where's the clerk, can you ring me up?
Jay: It's not my fucking job. Why don't you just take the damn movie?
(Flash back to Quick Stop counter.)
Randal: So, now that the video store is in good hands, can I borrow your car?
Dante: Fine, but hurry back.
(Fade out to commercial.)
