This is my first Legend of Zelda fanfic. Let's see how much I can screw up the storyline for Ocarina of Time, hmmm? Or, maybe keep to the storyline, but going as far away from it as humanly possible. Whichever way you want to look at it.


In the vast deep forest of Hyrule… Long have I served as the guardian spirit… I am known as the Deku Stump…

The brats who like to mooch off me, the Kokiri, live here with me, as much as I hate them. Each Kokiri has his or her own guardian fairy, who're as annoying as hell! I mean, all they ever say is, "Hey! Listen! Hello!" It drives me nuts! There's only a few fairies that can speak more than those words, and they're even more annoying! And then there's that one brat who doesn't even have a fairy! He's more annoying than a hundred of those fairies! I think his name's Link, but I'm not sure, since just yesterday, he was calling himself Superman, and he was trying to fly by jumping off the roof of his house. I bet you can guess what happened next. It involved much swearing and pain for Link.

Get on with the damn story!

Fine, fine… Anyway, Link doesn't have a fairy guardian, so I think I'll send one to him…


Link was tossing and turning in his bed, in the middle of a nightmare. In the nightmare, Saria was trying to convince him to marry her.

"Nooo! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!" he screamed, while trying to grip the ground to stop Saria from dragging him off.

"It'll be good for you, Sweetie-Pie!" She continued dragging him off to her house, with him screaming protests every inch of the way.

"Why do I have to suffer? I'm too young to die! Where's my brain?" His brain waved from where it was packing a suitcase.

"You'll love it, honey," Saria said seductively as she opened the door to her house. As it opened, however, the picture dissolved into a new dream.

In this new dream, Link was standing in front of a drawbridge, complete with a wall and a town behind it scrambling around on the ground, looking for something. As he watched, the drawbridge slowly opened, with the sound of hoofbeats echoing through the air.

As the drawbridge opened completely, Link stood up. "Where're they?" he muttered as he kept looking at the ground. He was still looking as a white horse charged out of the gate and ran over him. The horse had two people riding it, an old woman and a little girl. As he watched them, a cough echoed behind him. He turned around to see a thin-faced red-haired guy wearing black armor staring into space.

"Hey, have you seen my marbles? I think I lost them," Link asked him. The man was confused.

"What marbles?"

"The marbles I left right here."

"I think they ran away from you kid. Now what was I supposed to say? Something about crack, I think." He raised his arm. "Oh well. I think I'll kill you, since I'm bored out of my mind. I have needs too, you know."


"Navi…Navi, where art thou? Come hither…I really need to stop reading Shakespeare." The Stump descended into silent muttering, while Navi just stared at him, waiting for him to notice her.

The Stump finally noticed her after a couple of hours of talking to himself. She had eventually just left him there and went to get someone for his insanity.

She came back with a doctor, who was sleepwalking, since it was about four in the morning. "Take twenty aspirins and call me when I'm awake," he mumbled, and went off.

"Navi…Dost thou have a way for me to stop talking Shakespeare?" Nave did some fairy magic. "Thank you."

"Now, can you get that brat, Link? I'm going to die from a curse soon, and I need someone to lift it."

Navi left.


"GODDAMMIT!" Nave was (still) trying to get through a fence. She had gotten lost in the tiny Kokiri village, and had just spotted Link's house, when a fence got in her way.

"Screw this." She pulled out a chainsaw and chopped through the fence.


The noise the chainsaw made as it was revved next to Link's ear only made him roll over and yawn. Onto Navi. Who was still holding the chainsaw. Which went through Link's back. Yet he still slept on.

Nave began punching him as hard as she could while she was trapped. "Get up, stupid!" He slept on. "I SAID GET UP!" He slept on. Navi suddenly got an idea. "Link, there's a shiny metallic object next to your head."

Link rolled over and swiped next to his head, looking for it, but since it wasn't there, he hit himself in the gut instead. He groaned. "Uggh…Why does it feel like my brain was stolen and replaced with a sponge?"

"No reason," said Navi as she held a brain surgeon's kit and a brain behind her back.

"Anyway, the Deku Stump wants me to get you for something, I forget what." She shrugged. "And I'm supposed to join you."

Link stared at her with his mouth open. "Link?" She snapped her fingers. "Link, get up!"

"YES! I FINALLY HAVE A FAIRY!" Link screamed at the top of his lungs.

Hyrule Castle

Princess Zelda looked up as she heard someone screaming something about finally getting a fairy.

Back in the forest

"PARTY TIME!" Link screamed. He pressed a button and his house began transforming itself. About twenty seconds later, the transformation was complete.

"Link…" said Navi slowly. "How does this relate to parties?"

"Because I like to break things." Link's house had become a Transformer. He pressed another button, and a control panel slid out of the wall. Cackling with glee, Link began making the Transformer step on the other Kokiris' houses, the trees in the forest, and on the other Kokiri. It was a very bloody scene, and when it was over, most of the other Kokiri lay dead or dying. Saria was laying in front of where Link's house used to be, twitching.

"Alright, party's over." He pressed a third button, and the Transformer became his house again. Navi was shaking. "That…Was…AWESOME! Let's do that again sometime!"


"No, I will not let you pass without a shield and sword." Mido's decision was final, and besides, he couldn't move his fat ass, so the two idiots had to get the sword and shield so that he would move his fat ass out of the way….somehow.


Link was in the Training Center, trying to get the Kokiri Sword, but he kept getting run over by the big rock there. He finally got past the rock, and was so excited that he fell into the chest the Sword was in. Navi grew tired of waiting for him to notice the latch on the inside, and went to get some chocolate. She came back to see a charred Link, who was muttering nonsense to himself.

"Got the big boom and the desert rats got burned with ice cream, hehehe…" Navi gathered that he had decided to blow the chest up. "At least he got the Sword," she thought. "Time to get a shield."


Link conspicuously snuck into the shop, where shields were being sold, humming the Mission Impossible theme. The shopkeeper, though, was dead from the Transformer rampage earlier, but Link didn't know that.

He snuck over to the counter, quickly looked around, jumped over, grabbed a Deku Shield, vaulted back over the counter, and crawled out of the shop.

"How'd I do?" he asked a bored-looking Navi, who looked at a stopwatch.

"Ten minutes and thirty-six seconds. We're seeing progress on your sneaking skills."

"Yeah…Sneaking skills," Link said, looking around shiftily.

"…Whatever, let's go kill Mido!"

"Yay!"

The duo went over to the entrance to the field the Deku Stump liked to stay in, only to be stopped by Mido.

"You can't pass without a shield and a sword ghughgh!"

The last word was because Navi had grabbed Link's sword and used it to chop Mido's head off.

"…PARTY TIME!"

Link took out a remote with a single button on it, and pressed the button. His house became a Transformer again, and proceeded to break everything that wasn't already broken in the forest, while Link watched, cackling evilly.

When the Transformer was finished its rampage of much destruction, it became Link's house again, and Link had the grin of a little kid who's just found a new fun toy.


"Why did that Deku Baba just sit there whistling?"

"It's one of the mysteries of life Link, now shut up, sit down, and listen." Link quickly did as the Deku Stump said.

"Oh…Navi…Thou hast returned…Wait, what? Didn't you stop me from reading Shakespeare?"

"Yes. Then you started reading it again."

"Oh. Well then, Link, the time has come to test your courage. I've been cursed with a parasite by an emo with red hair, and I need you to break it, since I'm dying. Do you, Link Whateveryourlastnameis, accept this mission?"

"Nope."

"But there'll be cake, friends, and Navi! What more could you want?"

"A lifetime supply of matches, I want to make things burn."

"Done. Oh, by the way, I'm going to have to ask you to take another idiot with you. I'm pretty sure he's housetrained, but I might be wrong."

"Hey!" an indignant voice shouted from behind the duo. They turned to see a teenager of about fifteen, with crimson red hair sticking up in every direction possible, a shirt which looked like it had been dragged through a war, which was complete with pants that seemed likewise. His overall shabby appearance made him look like someone that was in dire need of some money.

"This boy is named Kasuto. He fights for cookies, refrigerators, and against those cranky people that hate you stepping on their lawns. And he's not the emo I was talking about," he added to Link's unspoken question.

"You forgot the chocolate."

"Oh yeah, and he fights for chocolate. Any questions?"

Link raised his hand.

"Questions that don't involve crap."

Link put his hand down, then raised it again.

"Or shit."

Link put his hand down, then raised it again.

"Or anything to do with human waste."

Link put his hand down, then raised it again.

"Or any kind of waste that comes out of a body."

Link put his hand down, then raised it again.

The Deku Stump whistled a certain tune. A hawk came soaring out of the sky and chopped Link's head off.

Link came running back to the Stump after he respawned and had to fight through a giant robot, sixteen random undead Kokiri, Mido, Saria, and three Deku Sprouts. He arrived in front of the Stump an hour later to find Mordo, Navi, and the Stump playing cards.

"Now, are there any more questions, for the second time, not counting Link," he added as Link raised his hand. Link looked sad and put his hand down.

The Deku Stump looked around, was satisfied there were no questions, and opened his mouth.

"Well then, kill the parasite, it's giving me an ulcer!"

"I don't want to go in your mouth! What if it's because you want to eat me? I don't taste very good. I taste like the letter yellow," Link whimpered. Kasuto put his arm around Link's shoulders and whispered something in his ear. Link straightened up again, saluted Navi, and marched right into the Deku Stump's open mouth. Navi looked confused under her glow.

"What'd you tell him?" she asked Kasuto. He grinned.

"I told him there were Nazis in there, and he thinks that any game where you kill Nazis is fun," he told her.

"They are."

They both laughed at Link's stupidity before setting off into the Deku Stump.


Well, that's the first chapter. Tell me what you think! Oh yeah, and if any of you have trouble picturing the Deku Stump, imagine the Deku Tree, but with everything above his eyebrows cut off.