It's 4AM and I'm starving. I sit up in bed. The back of my mouth salivates and I feel a phantom of that warm, salty, metallic taste.

No blood bags. No animals. I'm in trouble. I look at my phone, ready to dial for help. Stefan's out of the question. Damon. Caroline.

I ball up my fists. I need to do this, and I need to do it by myself. I change into some jeans, a hoodie, and creep out of the house quietly.

I start walking towards the center of town. I could lie in the middle of the road and pull a Damon. Ugh, pass. He can be such a creep sometimes. The corners of my mouth curve up a little bit.

There's a bus stop ahead, and there's a group of 5am shifters starting to gather. Hmm. Can't do crowds. There's a 7/11 across the street, and there's a man who's dressed like a plumber or a janitor walking in. Not too tall. That should do it.

The irony isn't lost on me. Aren't the men usually the predators? Shouldn't I, an 18 year old girl, be nervous about walking around by myself when it's still dark out? Every piece of advice I've ever received from my mother, from Jenna, from girlfriends comes back - don't accept drinks from strangers. Use the buddy system. Walk confidently. Keep your cellphone close. Be safe. Be careful.

But now- I'm the one they have to be afraid of. I walk a little taller.

I follow the man in and corner him as he fills up on $1 coffee.

"You need to use the bathroom." He looks blankly at me and starts walking to the back. I follow him in.

Men's bathrooms are disgusting. Whatever. I'm hungry. There's a pit in my stomach, but that's unrelated to my hunger.

"Don't move. Relax. This won't hurt."

I grab his service uniform, lean towards his neck, and bite. He's got a little scruff but I forget about it completely when I get a steady stream coursing in to the back of my throat.

Just for a moment I observe myself- I'm sucking on someone's neck in a gas station bathroom.

I'm done. I leave him standing there as I wipe up with coarse paper towels. I'll be good for the rest of the day. I put my hand on the door to leave and turn around.

"You won't remember what happened here." Something else. Something good. "Get home early to your family tonight."

I walk home with mixed feelings.

I'm still going to school, despite it all. Avoiding Rebekah has been easy, since her thing for Matt has been informing her actions lately, and harassing me doesn't endear her to him.

Mike Hanulick, third row, second from the wall, is tapping his pencil against his notebook. Amy Hernandez, two desks behind me, is texting beneath her desk. Shivani Silva, front left corner, is playing a game on her graphing calculator. I wonder if any vampires work for the CIA.

I do my best to turn it off, clear my mind, and suddenly, it's just silence. I look up at the board. We're transforming the graph. E power. Plus two. Shift left. One third of the input. Flatten it out. I see the graph before it's drawn.

What happens when there's a third dimension? Length. Width. Height. I imagine a cube. Z axis, straight up. Perfect squares, three variables - that makes spheres. I can see waves, folds.

I blink. Jesus. I didn't used to get math. I was passable, a good student, even, but not like this.

The sounds of the classroom zip back in, and I've lost my perfect clarity.

The fact that I'm going to live forever, barring unforeseen circumstances, creeps its way into my mind as I'm driving home with Jeremy. He's distracted, studying his hunter's mark, so he doesn't see me tear up.

Forever? Everyone - well, almost everyone I know - will die, and I'll be left alone. Jeremy will age and die when he's old. All my classmates will get to grow up, get married, have kids, have office drama, and eventually, when things have run their course, they'll get to die. I'll be the only one left, remembering them.

I feel myself approaching nihilism. Things matter. Some things matter. Like family- I glance sideways at Jeremy. And love. But what happens when they're gone? Jeremy will die. And love...love is fleeting, right? Carnal. We change, it fades. I think about my relationship with Stefan and I'm almost a little embarrassed. Forever. Please.

I turn up the radio, sing a little, and drive us home.

"Want to stop for some frozen yogurt?"

He startles me, but I smile. "Yeah, I think I do."

After staring at my books and binders for a good couple minutes, and considering whether homework matters in the scope of things, I do a little bit of homework. I flip to the back of my math textbook to see if there's anything about multiple variables. There is - elementary graphing - and there they are, the shapes I imagined.

Hmmm. I take out my cellphone. I could ask Caroline. But I could use a good excuse to talk to Damon.

Hey - weird question. When you became a vampire, did you get better at math?

I've barely put my phone down before it buzzes.

Is this a hopeful question? Are you failing?

I roll my eyes.

Ha. Ha. I'm not failing. I just had a moment of clarity in math class and it was different.

Buzz.

If you're focusing completely on one thing...yeah. That's what happens.

I appreciate the fact that he texts in complete sentences. The phone buzzes.

What are you doing right now?

I lay my forehead on the table with all my books. Oh man. Here we go. It's only been a couple days since I broke up with Stefan. I've been in somewhat of a mental recovery. I could use, ironically, a timeout, but I can't take it with Damon, because that wouldn't be a timeout, since he's somewhat of a central issue.

Forever - I'm going to live forever. The realization washes over me, again, unexpected, uninvited, and I want to cry. The abyss in my mind opens up, and I feel myself falling. Nothing matters, nothing matters, not when you live forever. I was ready to die a few weeks ago. I felt that I was old, that I was tired, that Ric would take care of Jeremy and I could finally have some peace.

Buzz.

You there? Or ignoring me?

I can't deal with this right now.

"Jeremy! I'm going out for a bit! Need anything?"

"I'm good, thanks!"

I head out without a plan.

I fold my arms and start charging through the neighborhood. I'm not stewing so much as I have a lot of energy and I can't name what I'm feeling. I'm despairing - I'm immortal. I'm angry - I'm immortal. I'm scared - I'm immortal.

People think they want to live forever. You don't. It's not supposed to be this way. There is a canon of human experiences, and they are enough. They are right. You are supposed to be young and bright-eyed, you mature, you raise a family, you get an office job pushing paper around, shit happens, you deal with it, you have your family and friends, and eventually, when you're old and you've enjoyed your life, you die.

Eternity is heavy. I don't get to be a part of that canon. I'm stuck, forever.

I walk and walk and walk. And of course, I find myself at Wickery Bridge. Jesus christ. I see Damon, just a few days ago, holding out a hand to me, eyes wide. I see Rebekah, cold, hurt, unmoving. I look over the edge.

They've removed the car. I wonder what it's like to be dead. But then I remember - I've died. Twice, technically. And I don't remember a damn thing.

I can't do this. I'm a vampire, but I'm still just 18. I can't throw in the towel this early.

There's nobody around, so I strip to my underwear and bra, pile my clothes under a bush, and jump, feet first, into the river off the bridge.

It's freezing cold, but it's a welcome thrill, a rush of life. I can hold my breath for a really long time underwater. I dolphin-kick and come face to face with some curious, pouty fish. Do they wonder about life and death?

Unlikely. I surface and float, looking up at the sky.

I see someone out of the corner of my eye. Of course. He's sitting next to my pile of clothes. No need to ask how he found me, my psyche is somewhat predictable these days. I'm trying to decide how much I care that I'm in my bra and underwear. Not that much.

I hop out of the river and feel my toes squelch in the mud.

"Existential crisis?" He gestures to the bridge.

"Something like that." I start putting my clothes on. Uncomfortable, but I'm not going to hang out like this.

"I like the way you crisis." He looks admiringly at me. I roll my eyes and hide my blush.

"Seriously though," he pats the grass next to him, "do you want to talk about it?"

I want to handle this myself. Everybody else does. I sit down.

"I just-" I break off and just stare across the other side of the river.

"Eternity. People will die around you. Nothing matters." He ticks them off on his fingers.

I turn to look at him and nod. The tears are pooling in my eyes.

"I don't want to cry anymore. I'm done crying."

"But you should." He leans in to me. "You know why? Because it sucks."

I laugh through a sob.

"If you want to cry, I won't tell anyone." I do and I don't. I'm sniffling and as I look at him, I feel myself calming down.

"No. No, I'm not crying." I scooch closer and rest my head on his shoulder. I feel him turn his head and very gently press his lips to my hair. I'm overwhelmed with gratitude, and I want to hug him, hold him, take his hands, kiss his face, but I can't bring myself to break the wall yet.

I'm sure Stefan told him we broke up. I'm sure Stefan even told him why. And after being so patient with me, he deserves something from me. Anything. But I need a second. A timeout.

Well, why shouldn't I have a time-out with Damon? I consider. Yeah, why shouldn't I?

I chew my lip for a second and remove my head from his shoulder. "How do you feel about a time-out?"

He raises his eyebrows. "I'm intrigued."

I cock my head. "But?"

He shakes his head and makes a face. "You smell like a river right now."

"Well, then, I will change into time-out worthy attire."

"Okay. On that condition. Want a ride? Or do you want to be the weird girl who walks into town looking like she just had a date with the Swamp Thing?"

"I'll take the ride, and for your information, the Swamp Thing was a perfect gentleman. More than i can say for you," I retort, but I'm smiling. He removes his leather jacket and throws it around my shoulders.