This, my friends, is what happens when a mindless girl puts characters from the animes Sword Art Online, Bakemonogatari and The iDOLM STER in a large empty room together and assigns them a topic to present their personal opinion on. Those characters are: Ami Futami, Asuna, Azusa Miura, Chihaya Kisaragi, Haruka Amami, Hibiki Ganaha, Hitagi Senjougahara, Iori Minase, Kirito, Koyomi Araragi, Makoto Kikuchi, Mami Futami, Miki Hoshii, Ritsuko Akizuki, Takane Shijou, Yayoi Takatsuki and Yukiho Hagiwara. Now, Jo is the mindless girl whom I mentioned earlier; a small girl with brown hair and a black belt in jujitsu. Who am I? Well, I am the narrator, of course. I run the show.
What's this? You don't want to listen to me talking anymore and get on with the show? And now I'm embarrassing myself by repeating everything out loud? Oh…I understand.
On with the show, then! Enjoy~
Jo: Alright, guys! This is a game-show kind of thing called "I Can Eat Food!" Sorry to disappoint you, but it has absolutely nothing to do with actual food, and I just made up the name on the spot, as this is a very cheap show that doesn't actually air on TV and takes place in my kitchen.
Contestant #3: So it doesn't involve food?!
Jo: Not even a little bit.
Contestant #3: NOOOOO!
Jo: …Well anyways, let's start by having you all introduced alphabetically. I think I arranged you so that it is completely messed up and you guys will have to figure it out yourselves. *points at chair #1 to the left of her* You! Go first!
Contestant #8: Me?
Jo: I'm pointing at you, aren't I?
Contestant #8: Pointing is rude.
Jo: I don't care.
Contestant #8: Whatever. I'm the great Iori Minase! Nihihi~ Of course, I bet I didn't even need to say, because everyone knows my name; I'm AMAZING! I mean—
Jo: NEXT.
Contestant #14: Ritsuko Akizuki! Don't forget it!
Jo: Next.
Contestant #4: I am Chihaya Kisaragi.
Contestant #9: Call me Kirito.
Jo: You're hot.
Kirito: Wh-what?!
Contestant #2: *blush*
Jo: Never mind. Next.
Contestant #2: You can call me Asuna.
Contestant #10: I'm Koyomi Araragi.
Contestant #7: I am Hitagi Senjougahara.
Jo: Heh…you're contestant #7, right?
Hitagi: I…don't know. How did you…?
Jo: Never mind. Moving on.
Contestant #15: My name is Takane Shijou.
Contestant #3: Azusa Miura is my name~
Contestant #6: Hibiki Ganaha's the name!
Contestant #16: U-uun! My name is Yayoi Takatsuki!
Contestant #1: Ami is Ami Futami~
Contestant #17: I'm Y-Yukiho Hagiwara…
Contestant #11: I'm Kikuchi Mako-riin~!
Jo: Don't go last-name first-name. And you're not cute.
Makoto: Ok…
Contestant #13: Miki's name is Miki Hoshii!
Contestant #5: My name is Haruka Amami!
Contestant #12: Mami is Mami Futami~
Jo: Otay, we're done. Well, my name is Jo. I'm your slave-master—I mean…hostess. Hostess of the show.
Everyone: Hi Jo.
Jo: Cool, guys. Alright. So on this game show—
Iori: THIS IS A GAME SHOW?!
Jo: …Yes.
Iori: WHAT WILL I WIN?!
Jo: Nothing. Otay. ANYWAY. I will ask all of you questions, sometimes I will pick out specific questions for specific people. You must answer these questions correctly. They will be weird questions, most likely, because after all, it is me running this show.
Even though Jo says she runs the show, it's really me—
Jo: Shut up, narrator.
…sigh.
Jo: Otay. You each will share your personal opinions on my questions. Got it?
Contestants: Got it.
Jo: Now…get in alphabetical order by your contestant number.
Hitagi: How do we know our contestant numbers?
Jo: *throws a fish at her* NO TALKING BACK! …actually, I guess I never thought of that.
Hitagi: Ew…this fish is slimy. Araragi-kun, get it off.
Koyomi: Eh heh… *throws the fish into the distance*
Jo: Just sit down.
Contestants: *somehow find their seats with no help from Jo*
Jo: Good. Alright. The first question is for all of you? What do you think about crabs?
Makoto: I LOVE THEM!
Hitagi: I HATE them.
Makoto: O_O Grr…you jerk! What did crabs ever do to you?!
Hitagi: … *jumps into Makoto's arms*
Makoto: OMG SHE'S LIGHT!
Hitagi: *gets off* I hate crabs. With a passion.
Jo: We were supposed to go in order, you freaks.
Makoto and Hitagi: Apologies.
Jo: Cool. Otay. Contestant #1; Ami Futami.
Ami: Ami likes crabs because they are pinchy and steal people's clothes.
Jo: Good for you…? #2; Asuna.
Asuna: I don't really have an opinion on crabs. They're just kind of…crabs.
Jo: I know what you mean. Otay, #3; Azusa Miura.
Azusa: Crabs are tasty~!
Jo: …Otay then. #4; Chihaya Kisaragi.
Chihaya: Crabs don't sing, and they don't fly, so I don't care.
Jo: Good answer. #5; Haruka Amami.
Haruka: A crab pinched me once, so I guess I don't really like them…
Jo: Good to know. #6; Hibiki Ganaha—
Hibiki: CRABS R' COOL, Y'KNOW? THEY'RE LIKE, LOOK'A ME, IMMA CRAB!
Jo: Good for crabs. #7; Hitagi Senjougahara.
Hitagi: I despise crabs. With a passion.
Jo: Nice. #8; Iori Minase.
Iori: Crabs are messy, but I guess they are kind of cute~
Jo: Awesome. #9; Kirito. What's your opinion, sexy-thaaaaang~?
Kirito: Eheh…um…you're stupid.
Jo: I get that a lot. *cheeky smile*
Kirito: Good for you…! Alright…crabs…they're just kinda…crabs.
Jo: I get you, baby. No need to explain.
Asuna: Buu…*blush*
Jo: Sorry Asuna, I'm making you jealous, right?
Asuna and Kirito: N-no…!
Jo: Aw. You were in sync. Adorable. Otay, contestant #10. Koyomi Arararararararararagi.
Koyomi: That's 7 too many 'ra's…
Jo: I did that on purpose. 7 is Hitagi's contestant number. Araragi is what she calls you. You are PERFECT together.
Koyomi: *not amused* OK, my opinion on crabs. Well, ever since I saw the Weight Crab, I never really liked them.
Jo: *smile* Perfect. Otay, #11; Makoto Kikuchi.
Makoto: Crabs are perfect! I just wanna hug them and kiss them and go out with them—I mean play with them, and lick—I mean feed them, and sleep with them—
Jo: Too much information. And you're annoying. Next. #12; Mami Futami.
Mami: Mami likes crabs because they are pinchy and steal people's clothes.
Jo: …Otay, next. #13; Miki Hoshii.
Miki: Miki thinks crabs are ok, but only when they are wet and under a lightbulb/the sun. Then they are sparkly and Miki likes sparkles.
Jo: Good for you. Next. Contestant #14; Ritsuko Akizuki.
Ritsuko: Crabs are ok, but I don't want one. It would get in the way and make my house…unorganized.
Jo: Cool. #15; Takane Shijou.
Takane: That's a secret~ Fufu~!
Jo: …Otay…? #16; Yayoi Takatsuki.
Yayoi: I like crabs! They are so tasty and my family likes them so I like them too!
Jo: Great. Contestant #17; Yukiho Hagiwara.
Yukiho: I-I wouldn't like crabs if they p-pinched me…but…I….I'm fine with them…
Jo: Otay! Done with the first question!
Kirito: …Hold up…what's your opinion, Jo? I'm sure the hostess would like to share.
Jo: You sweetheart~ I don't really like crabs. I don't like eating them; I only like them for looking at them.
Makoto: I don't like eating them either! It feels like I'm eating my mom!
Jo: What the…?
Kirito: …You're stupid too.
Makoto: Yeah, a lot of people say that to me—WAIT! I'm not stupid…!
Kirito: You…kind of are.
Makoto: ..buu. *fish lips*
Jo: OTAY! IMMA ELIMINATE A CONTESTANT NOW!
Contestants: WHAA?!
Jo: I get rid of one person every round! We could have gone through two rounds, but you guys took too long and the book is nearing it's end.
Koyomi: This is a book?
Jo: Yep.
Koyomi: …Huh. I didn't know that.
Jo: No one did. Anyway, I'm getting rid of you, Ritsuko.
Ritsuko: Whu…why?!
Jo: Your answer was boring and old-lady like. Plus, I don't like you. Take her away, big tough buff manly man-slaves—bodyguards…!
Bodyguards: HUP-HUP *lift Ritsuko over their heads*
Ritsuko: WAAH! THIS IS WEIRD—BWA! DON'T TOUCH ME THERE! AURGH! *carried away*
Iori: …Well that was entertaining.
Jo: I know. That was awesome.
*silence*
Jo: Oh! One more thing; the way you leave the show differs every round. So this round, you were carried away by masculine body guards. Next round, you could be kicked out by a team of rabid lizard-ducks from space. I dunno. Anything can happen on a game show.
Hibiki: Where are the ducks?
Jo: In my bathroom.
Hibiki: Where's your bathroom?
Jo: Down that hall.
Hibiki: Bye. *leaves to play with the ducks*
Eh, Hibiki Ganaha will be back next chapter. From here on out, there will be polls. You may vote on who you want leaving and Jo will calculate those votes and mix in her own votes and opinions and hopefully chose someone to leave! If we don't have enough votes, either we wait to post the next chapter, or Jo chooses someone herself. Thank you! I hope you enjoyed the show! Come back next chapter!
~Sincerely, Narrator
