AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is my comedy story which is loosely based off several characters from the hit soap One Life to Live.

Also, I'd like to note that I do not own ABC's One Life to Live or the characters and I will NOT be receiving any payment whatsoever for writing this story. It is intended for entertainment purposes only.

~*The Horse Whisperer*~

Dr. Marty Saybrooke and her headless husband, Patrick Thornhart, rode into Llanview one September day upon their spotted ponies. "Patrick, now that we are here in Llanview, where would you like to go first?" Marty asked her husband as their horses came to a halt.

Her husband, known as The Horse Whisper because of his ability to "talk" to the equine beasts, pointed in the direction of Llanview Stables. "Yes, we will take our ponies to the stables for some oats, then we will take care of business," Marty said as the two of them began galloping away upon their ponies.

Arriving at the stables, Marty and Patrick left their ponies in capable hands as they got ready to take care of business. "I need to give this disc to Todd so that Irene will stop threatening his family," Marty said to Patrick as they were leaving.

Patrick made an obscene gesture of protest, but Marty just shook her head. "Patrick, you know I must help Todd. He and I have a history together, and I would never let anything happen to Todd's kids," Marty stated as she knew Patrick wasn't pleased about their return to Llanview to help Todd Manning whom he considered his greatest enemy. Todd and Patrick had pretty much hated one another from Day One, and he had never really understood Marty's unbreakable connection to Todd as he knew that Todd had hurt Marty so deeply in the past.

Despite his lack of a head, Marty could tell by Patrick's body language that he wasn't happy about this situation, but he was going along with her to speak to Todd anyway. Ever since Patrick's return from the dead and his escape from Irene's Lab of Horrors, nothing remained for him above his broad, muscular shoulders. Marty missed his long, curly chestnut locks, his gorgeous brown eyes, and his full, kissable lips, but she was willing to forget all of that considering she was so happy to have her husband returned to her, even incomplete.

"Patrick, I love you," Marty said as she held his hand in hers. "And maybe there's something on that disc that can help us locate where Irene has hidden your adorable, yet bushy head."

Patrick hoped she was right. Life pretty much sucked for him without his head. He couldn't talk to his friends, the horses, and he couldn't properly make love to his beautiful wife. Even now, headless as he was, he wondered how he could hear her, considering his ears were now gone. Not questioning it, he walked along with Marty toward Angel's Square.

~*John McBain's Apartment*~

John McBain was taking a long, hot shower. He had to take matters into his own hands, considering he was without a girlfriend at the present time. He thought about Natalie's yummy jumbos as he stroked his meat. Why had he ever dumped Marty for Natalie? Marty had truly loved him, but he had trotted off after Natalie's luscious ta-tas instead of staying with the woman who adored him. But then things had gone sour with Natalie, leading John to Kelly Cramer's bed. Suddenly, John was thinking of Kelly's long, sexy legs as they had wrapped around him so lustfully. "Kelly," he moaned, stroking himself even faster. It felt so good as the hot water of the shower cascaded onto his thick meat. He was going to cum soon, but his mind was wandering to yet another woman. Blair. Ohhhh Blair. She was so fuckin hot! She really knew how to tie him to the bed and punish him. Ohhh God yes! John was cumming!

"Hey, what's going on in there?" a voice called out.

John froze, his stiff meat in hand when he heard Todd calling out from the door. Had he remembered to lock the door? He didn't think so.

"Ohhh... uhhhh... be right out. I'll be out in just a moment," John said, shuddering as he came all over his hand.

"Well, hurry up," Todd grumbled. "I'm hungry, and I want you to make me a sandwich."

"Sure. Uhhh... I'll be right there to make your sandwich," John stated, hurrying out of the shower and towelling himself off quickly as he was worried that Todd was going to barge right in, catching him in the act of fondling his thick pole.

Standing by the door, Todd's mouth was watering. He hadn't eaten all day, and he absolutely loved John's yummy sandwiches. He didn't know what John put on those delicious sandwiches of his, but they sure were delectable. "Hurry up... I'm starved!" he hollered to John.

John threw on his clothes quickly, not even bothering to wash his hands as Todd was rushing him. John left the bathroom and headed off toward the kitchen, so he could prepare Todd one of his famous sandwiches. Todd smirked, because he couldn't wait to sink his teeth into the tasty bread and meat. "Don't forget your special sauce!" Todd called out as he sunk down on the couch.

"Ohhh... I won't forget," John said with a chuckle as he walked over to the fridge.

Todd was about ready to flip on the TV when there was a knock at the door. "I wonder who that could be?" spoke Todd.

"Todd, could you get that?" John asked from the kitchen as he was right in the middle of making Todd's sandwich.

Grumbling, Todd got up to answer the door. To his shock and surprise, there stood Marty Saybrooke with some headless guy. "Hi, Todd," Marty said to a speechless Todd. "Can we come in?"

~*La Boulie*~

"Kids! Come to breakfast!" Dorian called out.

Suddenly a slew of kids came running down the steps. "Hello, Aunt Dorian," said Starr, as she kissed her great-aunt's cheek.

"What's for breakfast?" asked Sam.

Dorian hugged Starr as she informed Sam that David was cooking. "Ewwww," Jack grumbled. "I'm sure it's not even fit to eat."

Davey and Dorie, David and Dorian's twin children were giggling mischieviously as they approached their mother. "We're hungry," Dorie said in a whiney voice to her mother.

"Come on into the kitchen, honey. Daddy's cooking."

Dorian and the kids entered the kitchen. There, over the grill, David was trying to cook a porcupine. "David, what do you think you are doing?" Dorian screeched.

"I am making grilled porcupine!" David said with a wink.

"I am soooo not eating that!" Jack said, rolling his eyes.

"Where did you find that- that thing?" Starr asked, looking at the stuffed porcupine in horror.

"Ohhh... I found it in a dumpster outside of the Minute-Man Motel. I thought it looked tasty so I brought it back here and decided to cook it for my wonderful family," David explained, getting ready to put the porcupine onto the hot grill.

"But Daddy," spoke up Davey. "You didn't even de-quill it or take off the hide!"

"David, you are never cooking again," Dorian said in disgust, taking the porcupine from the pan and throwing it into the garbage can.

"Starr, get rid of that thing!" Dorian demanded.

Starr did as her great-aunt requested, taking the porcupine outside and tossing it in the trash. Little did she know that someone was lurking in the shadows. It was Cutter Wentworth, who had come to La Boulie to rescue his little friend, Morris. His sister Kim had thrown the stuffed porcupine away, and Cutter wanted it back.

"Are you okay, little guy? They didn't hurt you, did they?" Cutter said, picking up the porcupine and cuddling it close after Starr had gone back into the house.

"Daddy loves you," Cutter said to the porcupine as he began walking away.

Back in the house, Dorie looked at her mother. "I hope you are taking us out for breakfast. I want McDonalds,' the bratty little girl said.

"Whatever you want, Dorie ~ dear," Dorian said, as she grabbed her husband by the ear and lead him out of the kitchen.

"Dorian! Owww! That hurts!" he whined.

"Be quiet, David!" Dorian said as she slapped his behind.

Dorian got in the car with David and all the kids. "Take us to McDonalds," Dorian told her driver.

"Step on it, ass-wipe," Jack piped up from the back seat. "I'm starving back here!"

Igor, the driver, rolled his eyes and let out a sound of disgust. How he hated Dorian and her family. Every single one of Dorian's family members sucked. He drove like a bat out of hell toward the nearest McDonalds. He could only hope that their car would get hit by a bus...