I was asleep when a loud thunder made me wake up.
I had been three hours on my computer searching for new informations about Stefan and Klaus, but when my eyelids grow heavy and my brain couldn't take it anymore, I fell asleep, just shutting out the world for a few hours.
I quickly rosed up, sighing in exasperation. I got to my computer again, and knowing that I had collected everything I could that day, I printed a few papers about what I thought we could have used. I thought that I could have brought them to Damon, I know that it was late and that it was raining, but I had to get it off my chest and ask his opinion. And he was a vampire..so it's not that late night or early morning really counts that much after all.
Most of all, searching for murderers and reading every single detail of them, to then presume if it could have been Stefan or not, made me feel sick. Like I was a sick person in search of sick things.
I put on a comfy black gym suit and took my bag, inserting the papers that I printed in it. When I got to the living room, there were Alaric and Jeremy watching TV. When they noticed that I was going out, Alaric turned around with a confused and little concerned expression.
"Where are you going?" He asked me, furrowing his brows. Jeremy turned around as well to look at me.
"At the boarding house." I just said, shrugging.
"At midnight? And when it's raining like that?" Jeremy asked me, as if I was crazy.
I wanted to snort, but I knew that they were right.
"Hey. I can take care of myself, okay? Don't worry. I'll be back soon..or I will just spend the night there." I reassured them.
"Then I'll take you, or ask Damon to pick you up, or to come here." Alaric stated, rosing up, and ready to put on his jacket.
"Ric, no. It's okay. I've already tried to reach Damon but he's not answering. And besides, I think that I'm better off with myself than with you.." I teased him rosing my eyebrows, clearly referring to his almost-there-alcoholism.
He looked guilty for a few moments, before nodding unsurely.
"Fine…but be careful." He said, with Jeremy nodding beside him with the same concerned expression.
I got out of the door and headed towards my car. When I was in, I took a few seconds to think about how messed up my life was.
I had pratically an alcoholic in my house, who by the way was my dead's aunt boyfriend. A brother who talked to himself, and a ripper as a boyfriend. Just wow. And then there was Damon…I had to admit that in the past two months, he had been my rock. I'm sure that if it wasn't for him, I couldn't have make it. Beside his new girlfriend, Andie the Slut, I mean Andie Starr, who was always sneaking around the boarding house not even bothering to put something else on but Damon's shirts, he was always there for me and we supported each other.
The one thing that we didn't ever talk about was the whole bed kissy thing. I think that we told themselves that we didn't have the time, that we had to focus on finding Stefan or that it simply meant nothing, but I knew better. I knew that it was because we were scared, and it felt awkward, and that we didn't know what to say or feel about it.
The truth was that I didn't know how I felt anymore. I loved Stefan, it was something that I was always so sure about, his love was the safest place I could have thought about. At least until a while ago. Now? Now I wasn't so sure about what to think or believe. I wanted to play dumb, and pretend that he would always be the Stefan that I knew and fell in love with, but thruthfully, he wasn't. He lied to me about everything he was, everything he had done. And I couldn't help but think at what kind of relationship did we have. Why did he hide all those things to me? Didn't I deserve to know, or was he scared that I would have rejected him? Damon told me about his past, telling me and showing me what was he capable of, and even though at first I didn't want to believe him, I did researches on my own and I found out about a lot of things, lots of twisted sick games that he did and I felt awful about it.
What I wasn't so sure about as well, was what I felt for Damon. It was a powerful feeling, something that I didn't quite felt before, not even with Stefan. I tried to shrug it off my mind because I knew that it was so wrong. I mean, you just don't fall for your boyfriend's brother, it's wrong on so many levels and I felt awfully guilty about it. But I couldn't help but think if I did, or if I just needed him and his comfort right now. I cursed myself for that, and not wanting to think about it anymore, I quickly headed to the boarding house.
Luckily during the way it started raining a little less, and in ten minutes I was there.
I took a deep breath and ran towards the house. I shrugged off the water from my shoes on the mat and fixed my hair a little. I got in without even knocking. Damon never really locked the door, and I always sneaked in, both him and Stefan were used to that.
I was about to call his name when I heard moans and laughs from the living room. Immediatly my heart skipped a beat and it started beating faster than I would have liked it to. I didn't know why, but it just did, and I had the urge to check on what was going on. Pretty masochist, I know.
The part that bugged me the most was that it wasn't even Andie's sing-songing voice, which now I was used to, it was different.
I tip toed quietly and I leaned against the door frame of the leaving room, hiding behind it. And I couldn't believe what I saw. I hadn't seen her for months, she was gone after Elijah showed up and from there on I thought that she simply run. What the hell was Rose doing here? And naked? And with Damon?
I felt the urge to slap her in the face, and I thought that I had gone insane. I had no rights to do that. For some strange reasons she bothered me more than Andie. Maybe because I knew that Andie was just Damon's distraction, and even though she genuinely liked him and I could say that he liked her too, she was still under some fort of compulsion. With Rose it felt different. She had some sort of a bond with Damon and I wanted to do bad bad things to that woman right now.
I was the only one allowed to have that bond with him. I felt angry, sad, and most of all betrayed. And the funny things was that I seriously had no rights to fell such things, Damon could do whatever he wanted to, and I shouldn't give a fuck about it. But still, it was so annoying to see.
They were pratically making out after sex. They were both on the floor. Damon had on his legs a blanket, to cover..his most intimate parts. And Rose was wearing his fucking t-shirt.
Suddenly I felt tears blurring my vision and I needed to scream, so I quickly started to run towards the door, when I felt strong arms gripping at my throat.
Damon was growling and had vamped out, and for my pleasure – or not – I noticed that he had put some pants on, still unzipped, though.
It was then that I left the tears streaming down my face, and I pretended that it was because of Damon's reaction.
When he saw that it was me, he immediatly let go of me and he had mixed feelings on his face. Guilt, worry, confusion..
"Elena..what are you doing here?" He then asked, genuine confusion on his face.
I'm here because I want to show you what I've got about Stefan and I just can't stand this whole damned thing anymore because for the love of me it makes me sick, but I see that you're too busy fucking Rose..I wanted to yell.
I quickly wiped the hot tears away from my face, and when he noticed that I was crying, his face was full of guilt.
"I'm so sorry.." He said trying to touch my arms, and even though I didn't know for what he was apologizing for, I quickly but convincedly shrugged him off me, giving him a hard and cold stare.
"I was here just to give you these. It's about Stefan. He's probably in Tennessee." I spat out, pratically throwing the papers in his hands and quickly going out of the door.
I ran to my car, and for the whole way home, I tried to hold back the tears that were threatening to escape.
I parked quickly, heading inside and running straight into my bedroom.
I closed my windows, actually locked them, just so Damon wouldn't think about his usual visits into my room.
I throwed myself on the bed, buring my face into the pillows and sobbing. I felt like a complete idiot. Here I was sobbing and crying over someone who wasn't even my boyfriend, that didn't owe me anything.
I had been so delusional. For the whole summer I had cling onto Damon, onto his love, because I knew for sure that he loved me. And I had been so overhelmed by that feeling, that seeing him returning his affections to someone else hurt. A lot.
After I had calmed down a bit, I went into the bathroom, taking off my make-up and putting on my pajama.
When I was back, I checked my phone and there was one new text. From Damon. I rolled my eyes, because suddenly his name annoyed me.
"Meet me at the grill. 11am." There was just written. I didn't want to face him, not really see him for that matter, but I know that I had to.
One, because I didn't want to seem childish, and two, because it would have been about Stefan anyway.
I didn't bother to reply him, I just turned off my phone and I got under the sheets, quickly drifting to sleep.
When I woke up it was 9am, and I allowed myself to stay other few minutes into the bed, not really wanting to start another heavy day.
I finally decided to get up, and I went straight to the bathroom. I brushed my theet, putting on a fresh dress, and a light make up just to cover my tired face.
When I got downstairs, Alaric was making pancakes. I smiled at him.
"Hey." I just said, going to take some pancakes and a coffee.
"Hey. Goodmorning." He replied smiling too.
It wasn't awkward anymore, having Alaric at home. Honestly, Jeremy and I needed it. Even though you couldn't define Alaric a stable and perfect parental figure, he was the only one who was left, and we were very fond of him. Jenna would have wanted this too.
"Is Jeremy at work already?" I asked while chewing my pancakes.
"Yup. What about you? What are you going to do today?" He asked casually, sipping his coffee too.
"You know, same old..hitting on some guy, drinking until I pass out, having some fun." I teased, and he laughed.
I chuckled too. "I'm meeting Damon at the grill in an hour." I then said.
"Do you want me to take you?" He offered.
"So you can drink at 11am already? No thanks." I replied, giving him a smirk.
I finished my breakfast, and after talking to Alaric for a while, I then headed upstairs to take my bag and going to the grill.
When I entered it, Damon was already there, sitting into one of the booths.
I smiled at him tightly but genuinely, even if a little awkward, hoping that he would have forgot about my little snap of yesterday night.
I sat to the other side of the booth…but when I looked into his eyes, God help me. Was that really him, anymore? He had a strange expression, one that I hadn't seen him wearing since..well..since the first time he got back to Mystic Falls. It was cold, and a little smug. Not the one that I loved and hold onto to look at these past months; the one that finally let me in, that cared, that was fragile and vulnerable. His deep and intense ocean blue eyes were now so indifferent and cold. He couldn't have…
"Hi, Elena." He just said, not even with that little smirk or mischevious smile of him that I happened to love. No, this was just glacial.
"Hey." I just said back, feeling uncomfortable around this Damon.
It was a weird feeling. Having him around, but at the same time don't. It was like his body was there, but his soul, wasn't.
I knew him too well for his own good. He was shutting me out once again, he was turning off his emotions once again and I didn't want this. I wanted Damon back. I had seen vampires flipping the switch, Damon first when he got back to Mystic Falls and pretended not to feel or care about anyone. Then I saw Isobel, who pretty much acted like him right now the first time I saw her. Maybe I was wrong..? But what possibly could have happened for him to act like this?
"So..have you read my papers? What do you think?" I then asked, trying to ignore what was going on.
"Yes, and it's definitely Stefan." He just said calmly.
"Then we have to find him. He and Klaus move fast. We have to go now, Damon." I said anxiously. How could he be so calm about this? He was the one who tracked him for the whole summer, looking for some hints.
"I know." He said, giving me a 'duh' look. "But I am going, you are going to stay here." He then said matter of factly, rosing up from his seat.
I didn't like where this was going. He really wanted to go alone? Completely?
I rose up too, quickly gripping his jacket.
"No way Damon. I'm coming with you." I said firmly, looking into his eyes, hoping that he would take the hint.
He seemed mad for a moment, and then he shrugged off my hand, staring at me with his glacial stare.
"And for what? You would be just an obstruction. I don't have time to worry about finding Stefan and then making sure that your ass is safe." He said staring at me deeply, but coldly.
When I looked at him with betrayal and hurt, just for a fraction of second he had his mask down, looking at me like he had regretted what he said. But then his facade was quickly up again.
"I have to go now." He said, heading out of the grill and leaving me speechless and hurt. I hadn't managed a word.
I got out of my trance when Jeremy put a hand on my shoulder.
"Hey, are you okay? What happened?" He asked concerned, looking around, when he saw my pale face.
"Nothing Jer." I said giving him a reassuring smile and going out of the grill.
Now I was sure. Damon had turned his emotions off. He left me. I didn't have anyone to hold onto right now and it hurt like hell.
I went to the only place I thought of. To talk to the only person who could have understood me.
I parked in front of the cemetry, and even though it was getting pretty dark, probably for another storm like yesterday, I had to let everything out. To break down a little.
I bought some flowers on my way there, and when I went in front of my parents graves I put some on each of them.
I smiled sadly, and I sat down in front of my mother's grave.
"Hey mom." I said quietly, smiling.
I used to do that. A lot. I knew some people who said that they didn't like to go to the cemetery, to remind themselves that some of their belovedes weren't with them anymore, and that they preferred to just move on.
Jeremy was one of them. Rarely he went to find mom, dad, and even Jenna. He said that it hurt too much.
It was true, it hurt, and it wasn't true at all that the pain would just go away after a few years. Yes, it gets better, that hole in your chest and that ache in your heart can get better because you get used to that, but the pain always remains.
"It didn't happen so much since I last came here. Stefan is still gone, aunt Jenna is still dead, and Jeremy and Alaric are always there for me, in their own way..you know." I said chuckling. "But I really, really have to get this off my chest. Because I've been thinking about this for quite some time now, and I don't know how to deal with this, mom. It scares me." I then said, my voice shaking, fearing of letting those words out.
"I..I think that I fell in love with Damon. But now I lost him too. Can you believe this? Vampires can do many things, and one of them is flipping the switch, turning off their emotions when they can't or don't want to handle them. They don't feel, or they pretend not to. They don't feel remorse and they're not vulnerable. Oh my god…when I saw Damon today. I wish you could have seen him.." I said, tearing up at the thought.
"He was completely off. He was cold and hard like when I met him one year ago. And he's so different than that. I didn't want to see him like that anymore, because he's so much better. You know..when he cares, he cares deeply. Damon's affection is something special. He gives it to a really few people..but when he does, you don't want to lose it. He's so caring, and fragile. He's been through so much in his life that I can relate to him. Why he's been shutting out people from his life, why he didn't want to feel again. But he let his walls down with me, and I was so honored that Damon Salvatore had let his facade fall and got his humanity back thanks to me. But now..it's like we're back to the start. You know..once he said that he can't lose me..well, I can't lose him too. I love him, mom." I finally said out loud, smiling sadly in the end, but quickly cracking up into tears and covering my mouth because I hated myself right now.
I allowed myself to fall for him. To be in love with him, when his brother, who is also my boyfriend, gave up everything and was now a ripper, together with a sociopath. I felt so guilty about it, when did I lose my way? But at the same time it felt so right. I had been deying my feelings for Damon for a long time, and now here they were, exposed. Even if they weren't really exposed, since I was talking to my dead mother.
Then I noticed a black crow on the grave and I quickly rose up, shushing him with my hand.
"Go away, bird." I said annoyed.
It wasn't the first time that I saw this bird at the cemetery, and why the hell did he always have to come on my parents' grave? When I thought that he was finally gone, he moved onto another one.
I felt like I really had to make him go away now, it really bothered me. I took my bag and spooned it around it, and he just flew around me. I knew it was crazy thinking this about a bird, but it was like he was making fun of me, like he actually found it funny. Stupid crow.
I rolled my eyes at myself, so stupid to actually catch some sort of a fight with a bird. I said goodbye to my mother and my father, and after going to Jenna's grave and putting some flowers on hers too, I got back to my car.
I had to go to the boarding house. I left some things there that I had to get back, and since Damon would be gone by now, I thought that there were no problems. No awkward moments behind the corner.
When I got there, and entered to the living room, I tried to not pay too much attention to the spot where I found Rose and Damon going at it yesterday.
Little did I know though that Rose was right there in the living room.
"Hello Elena." She said, smiling softly and a little uncomfortably at me. She probably would have asked me how I was doing, but she could see that it wasn't the case.
"Hey Rose." I said back, crossing my arms in an uncomfortable way too.
Then I saw her packing.
"Leaving already?" I asked, and even though I tried to, I couldn't help the sarcasm and the glee in my voice.
She looked me and gave me a knowing smile. "Yes." She said. "I wanted to stay here for a while, but Damon told me to go." She shrugged, and I could see that she was a little disappointed.
"Oh..and why did you come here in the first place? I haven't seen you around for a while." I said, trying to sound more polite as possibile. I was really curious, though.
"I found out about Stefan, and I wanted to know if I could help. After all, I owe you one for having been so kind to me. And Damon and I are friends." She said casually, still packing.
I made a 'tsk' sound and looked at her like she was insane.
"Friends, right.." I whispered, not helping myself, and not thinking about the fact that she could hear me.
She looked at me with an amused and knowing look, and she quickly headed towards me.
I gave her a curious look, but then she spoke. "Look, Elena, you really don't have to be jealous about me and Damon." She said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
I rolled my eyes. "I'm not jealous!"
"So stubborn.." She replied, rolling hers too.
"He loves you, and you know it." She said, looking at me softly and a little serious.
I finally looked at her, surprised at her honesty.
"Yeah right, then why did he turn off his emotions. Again. Or even slept with you, for that matter." I said firmly, looking at her a little annoyed.
She snorted, and she took a sit on the couch, pratically asking me to join her.
"We've slept together yesterday because we've always been 'fuck buddies'.. sorry for my crudeness." She said sincerely. "I mean come on, he's a man, he has his needs. Plus I was right there and there were no real emotional feelings involved, so.." She shrugged.
I still looked at her hardly. Feelings or not, she still had fucked him. She still had kissed him and touched him.
"And because he really thinks of not having a chance with you, you know." She said searching my eyes, and looking at me sadly.
I was about to talk, when she spoke again.
"And you know why he's turned his emotions off? Because yesterday I've pushed him too much. It's my fault. When you left, he had been torturing himself thinking about what had he done to make you snap like that. At first he thought that he might have hurt you or upset you when he vamped out and attacked you..and I didn't think that he could be so freaking dumb." She said exasperated, absorbed in her thoughts.
"So? What did you do?" I asked genuinely curious.
"I told him that you were jealous. That you were upset about us, and that I thought that you were in love with him, for quite a long time.." She said, looking away. "So he snapped at me because he knows that 'It will always be Stefan', and that I didn't have the right to push him like that and tell him lies like that. I've tried to make him reason, because I really thought – and still think – to have a point. But he wouldn't listen to me. He got mad and told me to leave." She finished, looking at me, sighing.
"Stubborn of a vampire. He's so naive about your feelings, I swear." She laughed bitterly.
I then looked at her guilty, because she spoke the truth, and I was sad that she was able to see it and Damon didn't.
"But he turned off his emotions, Rose..he's flipped the switch..what am I supposed to do?" I asked to her almost desperately.
She then looked at me firmly, taking my hands in hers, which surprised me. "Love him back. Give him your love and don't ever hurt him. He deserves love Elena, your love. Don't let him go. He loves you so much that it's not even possible. He decided to flip the switch so he could be able to think straight near you because the thought of not having you.." She said, shooking her head. "And I'm saying that because I know that you love him too, it's so crystal clear. But you have to know that I care about Damon, deeply, so please don't disappoint me..promise me." She warned, suddenly very vulnerable.
"Are you in love with him?" I asked softly. Just trying to get through her.
"I don't fall in love with men who love other women.." She said, giving me a tight smile.
I decided to not push her too much. Even though the thought of her being in love with Damon, and having indeed slept together annoyed me, I owe her this sincerity.
"Thank you." I said softly, squeezing her hands.
She didn't have the time to reply me when we heard a loud crash from the window. I saw fear, pure fear in her eyes, and when I looked around I see a werewolf in the middle of the room, heading towards us.
When he made to jump onto her, without even thinking, I quickly threw myself in front of her, letting the werewolf bite me on the arm.
"Elena!" She yelled.
A werewolf bite hurt like hell. Even worse of a vampire one. It literally burns, and it gets huge. I shouted in pain, and I heard her quickly getting on her knees to check on me.
I lazily looked around the room, looking for the werewolf, who had disappeared.
"Elena? Elena can you hear me?" She said shooking me, a little too hardly. I thought that werewolves bites had effects just on vampires. I heard her mumble and shouting something, but I couldn't understand, everything was getting blurry and my eyes closed.
I actually thought that I was dead. But when I woke up, I was laying on something soft, with someone stroking my hair.
I lazily opened my eyes, which were still heavy, and my head hurt like crazy. When I opened them, though, I really thought that I was in heaven. Damon's penetrating blue eyes were looking at me insently, but not like this morning, but the way I loved. There was such a vulnerability and hurt that he almost seemed a lost puppy.
"Damon?" I asked, trying to rose up even if my head was spinning like crazy.
"Elena?" He asked concered, even though I could see the relief in his eyes and in his voice.
"Am I dead?" I asked smiling softly, tying to cheer up the situation a little.
He gave me a serious look. "Not funny." He said, before pulling me into a his embrace, holding me for dear life.
"I'm sorry..I'm so sorry I wasn't here to protect you.." He mumbled into my neck, his voice on the verge of breaking.
"It's okay." I whispered, going to kiss his cheek, but ending up kissing his neck.
I smiled softly against him. From now on this would be my favorite place in the world. Tight against Damon's body, his familiar scent that I loved so much, and his muscled arms wrapped around me. It made me feel safe, home.
I pulled away to look into his eyes, studying them and almost exploding in joy when I saw my Damon in there. He was back, and I would have made sure that I would have never let him go.
I stroked his soft black hair, smiling at him softly.
"How do you feel?" He then asked, checking out my face.
"Fine, I think. But it hurt like hell at the beginning." I said, remembering the pain that I felt. I hugged him again, wanting to feel that safe sensation again.
"Nothing will happen to you again. I promise, baby." He said holding me even more tigther, kissing my shoulder.
"As long as you're with me, I believe you. Where is Rose? Is she okay?" I then asked, genuinely concerned.
"Yes. She's doing some researches about the werewolves bites, you know..if they have some effects on humans too." He said.
When he saw my worried expression, he cupped my face. "Hey. Don't worry. The bite is already healing, and you feel fine, so there's nothing to worry about." He said reassuringly, kissing my forehead.
"Any idea of who could possibly be?" I asked. The only werewolf in town was Tyler, as far as I knew, and I knew for sure that during the fool moon days he would lock himself. Caroline helped him with it.
He sighed. "The only one I know is wolfboy..I have no idea, 'Lena. But we will find out."
When I saw him rosing up from the spot that he took on the bed, I quickly took his hand. "Where are you going?" I almost pouted.
He seemed happy about my behavior, but not too surprided like I thought that he would be..
He squeezed my hand. "I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm going to see if Rose has found anything." He reassured me, and I just smiled.
Just then I fully realized that I was in his bed, and I smiled smugly. I definitely felt better.
I noticed that my phone was on his nightstand, and before I could think about calling Jeremy or Alaric, it was ringing.
"Hello?" I answered.
"Elena..?" Stefan's voice said.
A/N: I know that I have other stories to work on to. But sometimes I just have ideas that I just can't get off my mind, lol. So I'm sorry if you follow my other stories and I won't update so quickly as I used to; I have part of this story already on my mind so the updates will come more often. :)
Please please review! They all mean a lot to me. Xoxo
