Well hi...this is my second fanfic, and yeah...I decided to open it with a Songfic to Kelly Clarkson's 'Sober', because it's a song which has come to mean so much to me as a person, and I really wanted to write something to go with it. I actually wrote this a while back just as a one-shot songfic, but I wasn't actually planning on posting it. Then I had the idea for the fic itself, and realised that this would be a perfect way to open it and sum up Alex's feelings and set the stage for the fic at the same time. Wow, I'm rambling...sorry! Anyway, once again, it shall be from Alex's POV and I hope you like it...it's very different to 'I'll Be Home For Christmas', thanks again to Mel for betaing...enjoy!

Prologue: Sober

And I don't know
What do I know, really? Nothing. For the past three months, I've been trying to convince myself that you were a dream, but I can't. You were too real. Dreams don't have heartbeats. Dreams can't be that perfectly flawed. Nobody's ever fallen in love with a dream. That's the only proof I have.

This could break my heart or save me
That's what I like to think. I know it'll break my heart, and it might save me as well. I know this is wrong, I know it's stupid, but I need you. I don't know who you are; I haven't thought your name for so long- it hurts too much, I think I've forgotten it.


Nothing's real
Until you let go completely
I learnt that when I left you the first time. At first, it didn't feel real at all. When I finally managed to get you out of my head completely; your voice, your face, even your name... that's when I finally started to feel at home here. But it still feels too perfect, surreally so... can you believe that I haven't shed a tear for three months? Not a single one. This can't be real. I have to let go of everything completely, and this is the only way I can think of. I have to at least try.


So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
Everything I've blocked out. I'm going to set it free, no matter how much it hurts. I need to do it.


So here I go with all my fears weighing on me
I'm scared. I'm not worried about what will happen, I'm not scared of failing. I'm scared of what I'll feel when-if- I see you again. The guilt. I hurt you, and I don't know if you'll ever forgive me. I know that if you do, I don't deserve it. You should be angry with me, you should hate me. I hope you do. But I hope you feel the same as me as well. I hope you at least see how much I need you.


Three months and I'm still sober
I've been drinking too much since I got back. Much more than when I was with you, if you can believe that. But it doesn't work. It makes me feel terrible, but I don't get that feeling of... freedom. I don't feel like flying. I just feel bloody awful for the next 24 hours. I've been trying to get that feeling for three months now, and it still doesn't work.


Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it's never really over
No, it's not over. Whether this works or not, you and me are forever. Whether we're colleagues, enemies, friends or something much, much more, we will last forever. I'll never forget you. You're real.


And I don't know
I could crash and burn but maybe
I can see the river getting closer and closer. I don't know why, but I need to drive into it. Crashing doesn't feel right. It doesn't have anything to do with your world- our world. Rivers just remind me of you. Don't ask me why, because it will only remind me of how little I know about myself. Just believe me. Just come back to me.


At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
I haven't been me for the past three months. I haven't laughed, I haven't pissed anyone off, I haven't shouted at anyone... at least, they're the less painful things. What hurts the most is what makes me feel like a different, hollow version of Alex Drake; I haven't seen anyone who's made my heartbeat audible, who's made me want to hit them and kiss them at the same time. I haven't seen you.


So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time
I've been weighing up my options for long enough now. I've been trying to think of significant events my history, and trying to co-ordinate my departure with them. But I can't do that anymore. I can't wait for someone else to make the decisions. I'm coming back to you.


Three months and I'm still breathing
For Molly's sake. But I'm sick of thinking about everyone else all the time. I need her, but I need you more. I need you to know how sorry I am, I need you to be angry at me, to tell me what a stupid bitch I am, and yet I also need you to tell me that it's alright, that you know how I feel, that you love me too much to be angry with me.


Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know
It's never really over, no
It's never been anywhere near over. I will remember your name, I will think it over and over again. I'll say it a million times if you come back to me.


Wake up, wake up
I'm getting there. I can feel it. It's effortless. I just need to keep the car going straight, it's so easy...


Three months and I'm still standing here
I haven't got anywhere. But finally, I'm going to break away from this place.


Three months and I'm getting better yeah
I've finally made the decision I wanted to make all along. I was wrong for leaving you in the first place, but soon that won't matter.


Three months and I still am
Unlike you, I still exist in this world. I wish I didn't, it would be so much easier. But at least I have a way of getting back, of being reunited with you forever. I may still physically exist here, but I don't care. I still am- I'm still Alex, deep down, and the minute I see your eyes again, the second I remember your name, Alex will resurface.


Three months and it's still harder now
Every time I thought I was nearly over you, I remembered what I'd done to you. I'm so stupid. I'm so sorry. Everything's so difficult, so confusing, but I will see you again.


Three months I've been living here without you now
It's been so hard. Is it hard for you too, without me? I hope so. I'm so terribly selfish, but I want to wake up and see you worn out, depressed, empty, just like I've been for three months now. I want the light to come back into your eyes the second you see me. I'm so pathetic.


Three months yeah, three months I hurt
Three months... such a short time hasn't felt so long since I was a little girl... thinking about my childhood reminds me of you. You were needed, and you were there, you took my hand and chased everything else away. You're needed again, Gene. Are you here? Are you listening?


Three months and I'm still breathing
Three months and I still remember it
I still remember what I did. I still remember you, even though I've forced myself to forget.


Three months and I still wake up here
Every morning, I hope to open my eyes to the real world. But I still wake up in this miserable world of glass, steel and lies. Not for much longer. Soon I'll see your eyes, hear your voice, remember your name...


Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers...
It's so effortless. One minute I'm driving along, the next I'm surrounded by grey water. I don't even try to get out. I just shut my eyes, staring into the blackness behind my lids. And then two lights pierce the blackness, two bright, beautiful blue lights. I don't even have to try to think it, the word just fills my head, drowns me in its familiarity. Just a glimpse of your perfect eyes, and I know I'm home. I'm back with the Guv. I'm back with the man whose presence I'm addicted to. I'm here, Gene. And I'll stay forever.