Disclaimer: I don't own anything. I wish I did… but I don't – it's all ABC and Marlowe.
Warning : SPOILER for 3X24 and S4.
Setting: Few months after S3 finale. Background – Beckett has broken up with Josh but is not 'with' Castle (yet).
A few things before we get started : This is my first ever Castle fic - and first fic after a 3 year break. ….so please be gentle And reviews are always welcome! The last I checked there were a few dozen fantastically written fics that start right after 3X 24. So knowing there was no way to top those, I decided to take a slightly different approach with this one. A word of warning this will be slightly more descriptive and less dialogue initially as I fill in the blanks for the post shooting months. The story starts around 4-5 months after the shooting. It will also be angsty in the beginning but will definitely be Caskett by the end. I will be honest I don't exactly know where this is headed. The idea has been floating around in my head for some time now and I had to put it down on paper…..or the computer in this case . Also I have taken some liberties with the actual story and where it was at the end of S3 - case in point - I have not done anything with the documents Montgomery sent out towards the end of 3X24. That didn't really fit with where I am planning on taking this story.
So without further ado – I give you my first ever Castle fic – If Only….
Chapter One
Sept 15, 2011 2 a.m, Syracuse NY
She couldn't breathe. Kate felt like someone was sitting on her windpipe sucking the breath out of her. The room began to blur and spin. She heard someone calling her name but it felt like they were underwater. She had to get out of there. Spinning on her heel she ran out of the room towards the women's restroom. She could hear Lanie calling her name and coming after her. But she dare not stop. Feeling a horrible sensation at the back of her throat she barely made it into one of the stall before chucking all the contents of her stomach. Not that there was much left to chuck. The last 8 hours of her life had been a blur. She couldn't remember the last time she had eaten. She didn't know how long she remained in the stall draped over the toilet. At some point she felt a hand gently rubbing circles on her back. Looking over her shoulder she saw Lanie hunkered down behind her – giving silent support. Smiling weakly at her Kate got up slowly and made her way over to the sink. She hadn't realized she had been crying. It was only when she looked in the mirror did she see the mascara streaked face and red eyes.
"You okay honey?" Lanie asked softly, concern coating every word. Kate nodded mutely - not daring to say anything more out of fear that she would break down again. She had to be strong to face whatever lay ahead of her. She felt a shudder run through her and rubbed her arms. Lanie caught the gesture and said, "He is going to be fine Kate. The universe demands it." Kate gave her friend a watery smile and reached out and hugged her.
"He has to be…." She said hoarsely, her face buried in Lanie's shoulder. The two friends remained that way for a while drawing comfort from each other before slowly making their way out of the restroom. Instead of heading back to the temporary command center, Lanie pulled Kate in the opposite direction towards the rear exit. Kate dug her heels in and said, "We need to get back there Lane."
"In a bit, but let's get some fresh air first. Besides I have told Javi to call us if there is any development."
Kate thought of arguing but changed her mind and followed Lanie out the back. She wasn't quite ready to face the situation in the command center yet. Stepping into the cool night air she breathed in deeply. From here she could make out the circus in the front of the building. A variety of law enforcement vehicles and tv vans were parked out front behind the barricades. There was a smattering of cops in the rear parking lot but Kate and Lanie were both wearing NYPD hoodies and didn't get a second glance from the cops.
They walked over to one of the parked cars in a relatively secluded area of the parking lot and sat down on the hood. After a few seconds of silence Lanie asked, "So…what happened, Kate?"
At first Kate was quiet- she even considered pretending like she didn't understand Lanie's question. But now was not the time for all that. And Lanie deserved to know the truth. She had been there for Kate more times than she could count. As for Kate, she realized she had everything bottled up so for so long she was afraid she was going to suffocate if she didn't unburden herself of it soon. So she took a deep breath and started talking, "It was the night of the Heat Wave premiere party…"
