In several years of medicine I had experienced many things. Never, though, had I been pinned against the wall of a toilet cubicle with Turk.
"Dude
what are we gonna do."
Our backs were pinned up against the wall
behind us while our legs were stretched out and pressed against the
wall in front of us, keeping us above the ground where a suddenly
homicidal Janitor was waving a chainsaw under the door and trying to
disembowel me. "I don't know, but whatever it is we've got to
do it fast, 'cos I need to make a quick twosie."
Turk made a
face, as he knew how irritable I got when I pooed, and the secret
shame I hid that I'd sometimes pass out on the can. He craned his
neck up and I followed his gaze, slipping a few inches lower down the
wall and a few inches towards the Janitors unusually clean chainsaw.
Turk nodded and then licked his lips. "Alright, here's the plan.
I'm gonna hall myself over the cubicle all Parkour like while you
scream at the Janitor to keep him distracted. While all that's
happening, I'm gonna go get help, got it?"
"Alright
Brown-Bear, but be quick! I'll be waiting for you."
Turk
began shimmying his way up the wall until he could reach the top of
the cubicle with his fingertips. With all the grace of a diabetic
black surgeon, he grabbed the wall and pulled himself up, which had
the adverse affect of pulling the entire row of cubicles down like
crashing dominoes.
The Janitor stepped back, his chainsaw making
a dull drone in his tightly clenched fist. A sudden calm came over
his rage filled face as he saw the mess in front of him. The cubicles
were leaning diagonally along each other, the wall on the far side
the only thing stopping them from going completely horizontal. Turk
and I were in the middle, his stomach over my face. I don't know
whether it was because of lack of oxygen or because I pooped, but I
blacked out momentarily and when I came too, the Janitor was
whistling a merry tune and cleaning up the mess. I didn't even want
to know what was going on so I left as quickly as I could.
Sometimes in the hospital nothing ever goes as planned. Whether it's a carefully laid plan to help people remember your name.
"Attention all staff: It's Beard-fuh-say, damnit!" The voice on the intercom cut out with the sounds of someone being tackled by Ronald, the hook-handed security guard.
Or even
something as simple as taking a dead body to the morgue. A muffled
cry for help came from inside a body bag and I sighed. "Can someone
unzip Doug? He put himself in the bag again and not the body."
But
nothing could prepare me for what waited inside that room.
"Happy
birthday JD!" Carla and Elliot screamed in unison. I was engulfed
in a marbly mix of pale white and chocolate skin as the two girls
hugged me and bounced up and down. I tried to ignore it, but who
would want to?
I let out a giggle and bounced with them, the three
of us holding hands and jumping around in a circle. We eventually
stopped when The Todd poked his head in to see what was making the
ladies scream. Carla straightened her hair and with a huge smile
plastered on her face, handed me a small gift wrapped box. "Here
you go Bambi; this is from Turk and I"
"Aww,
thanks you guys! I was just in the toilet with Turk like five minutes
ago and he didn't mention a gift when he pulled the walls down on
us."
Carla's eyes went blank for a moment as she digested what
I just said. "Umm… Yeah!"
I pulled away the wrapping and was
greeted by a square silver box with the words 'Smith & Wesson'
engraved on the top. My eyes shot open in surprise as a tentative
hand reached forward and flicked open the latch. Turk should know not
to get me a gun?! I'm a pacifist! My head tilted to the side as my
mind once again began to wander…
Janitor
walked in the door once again wielding his trusty chainsaw, but I was
waiting for him with my trusty Smith & Wesson hand pistol! He
roared a primal roar of rage and lurched towards me. Luckily, my
trigger finger was itchy so I snapped off a shot at him. The gun
popped and a small flag with "BANG!" on it extended from the
barrel. Janitor stood there and stared at me for a moment, before I
nodded. "Go ahead…"
The chainsaw came down on my arm and
sliced it neatly off. I stared down at it and walked away while
Janitor juggled my arm and the chainsaw.
I flashed
back to reality and nearly thrust the present back in Carla's face
before I plucked up the courage to open it.
Inside was a silver
watch with a blue face. I withdrew it from the box and held it up.
"Aww cool! I didn't know that they make watches! And I thought
you were going to get me a gun."
Carla scoffed. "I wanted to,
but Turk said it would probably lead to getting your arm chopped
off."
"That
guy gets me…" I slipped the watch on to my left hand and set the
time and date.
Elliot bounded forward like an over-eager golden
retriever with her hands behind her back. "Me next! Me next! I took
a lot of time to think of this for you, so I hope you like it."
I
tilted my head back and laughed. "Elliot, please! I'm sure that
I'll absolutely love it."
She took her hands out from behind
her back and clasped in them was a black leather wristband with a
silver eagle emblazoned on the front. I gasped and took it from her.
"Oh Elliot, wow! It's symbolic of me and Turk and how he always
catches me and I yell out 'Eagle!' right?"
Elliot gave the
same blank stare that Carla did before smiling again. "Uhh… Yes…
Yes. Yes! That's exactly what it means."
I clipped the
wristband on to my right wrist and looked down at my hands. When I
looked up again, I screamed.
"Well whaddya say there newbie?
Gonna ask me for my present?"
Carla and Elliot's faces had
been replaced with an unusually happy looking Dr. Cox.
I stood
there stunned for a moment before I thought of my reply. "Yes, Dr.
Cox, yes I am."
He stood back and flicked his nose, folding his
arms across his chest and nodded at me. "Go ahead then kiddo, hit
me with it."
"Dr. Cox, I want you to give me a hug as my birthday present!"
