Leia frowned at the drawer, that was probably where she'd put her files on Akkinth. Of course, she just had to leave it in the one place in her desk that she'd probably never be able to retrieve it from – that drawer always stuck. Sighing, Leia knelt down to get a good grip on the handle. At this rate, she'd be not only late for her meeting, but completely uninformed and unprepared as well!
She gritted her teeth and gave the drawer a hard tug. It didn't budge. If Isolder had been there, he probably have been able to pull the drawer for her in a second but he was back on the Hapes for the time being to discuss their wedding with the Ta'a Chume.
The princess pulled again and felt a sight give. Leia ran a hand over her intricately braided hair and decided to give it one more try before she gave up and left for her meeting with the Akkinthian senator. With both feet flat against her desk on either side of the offending drawer, Leia gave it one last almighty heave. The drawer shot out of her desk sending papers flying in every which direction and leaving Leia sprawled on her back. Sitting up, slightly dazed, she began to gather up the strewn documents, sure enough her Akkinth file was laying on top of the mess. She reached down to pick it up, but stopped as she caught sight of something out of the corner of her eye. It was the back of a small 2-D holo frame.
Leia reach down and flipped over the frame and let out a small gasp. The holo was from a little over a year ago; it showed Leia and Han, on the one and only vacation they'd ever managed, standing arm in arm on the beach. The princess felt a painful lump rising in her throat as she stared at the two happy faces smiling for the holographer. She had tried not to think about Han in the past two months, ever since she'd all but told him to leave and not bother her any more. Han looked different in the holo then when Leia had last seen him, though. He looked younger, rested, happy, full of life. When she'd last seen him, Han had looked gray from fatigue and stress. He'd practically seemed to have one foot in the grave. At the time, Leia hadn't really noticed, she'd just put down his attitude as paranoia and wondered how she'd ever deluded herself into believing she loved him.
I've seen too much death recently. That's what he'd told her aboard the Falcon and Leia had ignored him. Tears began to brim in Leia's eyes.
He'd just gotten back for chasing down Zinji, Leia thought. How could I have done that to him?
Leia continued to stare at the holo. She'd be late for her meeting now but she didn't care any more. It had been a mistake, everything she'd done since Isolder had arrived had been a mistake. No, she corrected herself. Something's only a mistake if you go back and fix it. If you don't do anything, then it's a problem and I can't fix any of why I've done! Tears were rolling freely down Leia's cheeks now. How could she have been so careless? She had pushed the one man she truly loved out of her life because of material goods and for the New Republic. The princess let out a sort bark of mirthless laughter. Life? What life? She didn't have a life. She had the New Republic and the same New Republic that seemed to be giving freedom to every being but her. Leia knew she shouldn't cry. She should go to her meeting, but she couldn't stop staring at the holo and seeing all the happiness it represnted, all the happiness she'd lost. Leia had been lieing to herself for the past two months. She really did love Han, not Isolder, and she'd lost him like she'd lost Alderaan and her adopted father.
Oh, Han, what have I done?
