Disclaimer: "We're not very good at naming things. I once knew a man who lost both of his arms and part of his eye." "What did you call him?" "…Larry."
(An: I've read plenty of fics about Bill and Fleur's wedding where Ron and Hermione have fluffy confessions. I thought it would be much more like him to get absolutely sloshed and then confess. Or… you know… just get sloshed. Before you say anything, yes, I know all-dialogue fics are confusing, but I did my best to identify each speaker, and sometimes it's just plain not necessary.)
"It was a lovely wedding."
"Merci, Hermione. I know we 'ave not always-"
"That's fine, Fleur. I wish the best for you both… um, shouldn't you get Bill out of the punch bowl?"
"Wow, she can run pretty fast… even in a dress that tight. And Hermione, you- you were… nice. To her... Don't glare at me like that! You've never been able to stand Fleur!"
"I'm trying to turn over a new leaf. Fleur's been handling Bill's… injuries very well- better than most of us- and I've decided that petty jealousies are silly reasons to dislike her. She's actually very nice… There's no need to look so surprised, Harry! I'm allowed to change my mind!"
"So you'll dance with me?"
"Ronald, you have three seconds to remove your hand from my bottom before I stupefy you! Three-!"
"…That wasn't three."
"Harry, do you honestly expect me to wait that long?"
"I kind of thought you'd enjoy it- ow! You didn't have to hit me."
"You don't have to be so infernally stupid. I'm not going to put up with sexual harrassment-"
"Even if it's from Ron?"
"Especially if it's from Ron. And I'm certainly not going to dance with him, not when his breath is probably enough to get me intoxicated."
"…Yeah, I wouldn't want vomit on my shoes either. …I always figured Ron'd be able to hold his liquor."
"And here I thought you were smart, Harry!"
"Fred-"
"It's George."
"George, he gave you money. It's obvious that, despite all his charms, Harry isn't very bright… why are you squinting at me like that?"
"Because I might actually be Fred."
"It's hard enough telling you two apart without you always yelling that you're the other one, you know."
"No, no, I'm George, but I might be confused. You just made a joke. That sets the whole world wrong."
"It's not that strange, George."
"Um, actually, Hermione, I'm going to have to side with him."
"Harry!"
"Serves you right for the 'bright' comment- just because all of us don't bring a book to a wedding-"
"I did not bring a book to the wedding! …I brought it to the reception! How did I know someone would actually talk to me?"
"Hello, Hermione, I'm here. Mrs. Weasley's been somewhat cold to me ever since I dumped Ginny- well, actually, so has the whole family-"
"Mostly because I won the bet."
"Mostly because you're a pessimist, Charlie."
"Drop it, Fred."
"George!"
"You shouldn't feel bad, Hermione- not even family can tell them apart."
"No, Charlie, you're just blind. And a defeatist!"
"I thought I was a pessimist."
"You're both, and it's not the point. We should be encouraging young Harry here, not betting against him."
"Can we please stop making light of my most agonizing decisions?"
"ANGST!"
"Well, Harry, they may not be sure if it's Fred or George, but at least they agree that your torment is amusing…"
"It's not to me… you can stop making that 'I'm sympathetic, but I'm laughing inside' face now. I'm going to enjoy myself, with or without your smirking face, Hermione!"
"So you'll dance with me!"
"Ron, I just bought these shoes. I don't want firewhiskey-flavored puke on them."
"…Ronald, how much have you had?"
"Try two bottles, and you'll be close."
"Not so, Fred! I have had…. two… AND A HALF!"
"I'M GEORGE, DAMMIT!"
"…Wow. Ron's actually a better tussler when he's drunk."
"And you find that surprising, Harry?"
"Hermione, why don't you love me anymore?"
"Shut up, Ron!"
"You know, I'd like to get some curtains in that shade of pink you've gone, Hermione, darling."
"Shut up as well, George-or-Fred."
"I have a black eye to prove that he's George!"
"…Here, Ronald, let me get you some ice- that's disgusting."
"I told you he'd throw up sooner or later… Come on, mate. At least you didn't do it on my shoes."
"No, Harry, he did it right where we all have to step… Here's that ice."
"You're beautiful, Hermione… you and your twin sister."
"I said shut up, Ronald. Don't make me regret helping you… or vomit on my dress."
"You try telling my stomach that."
"Ronald-! Get your abdomen out of my face! …And Harry, quit laughing like that. If you keep rolling around, you might hit Ron's… um-"
"Good point. I don't want half-digested wedding cake on my tux. This is a rental."
"Plus whatever else he ate… goodness, you'd think with an iron-cast stomach like his, he could hold his alcohol better."
"Well, it was two bottles."
"Two and a half!"
"Yes, Ronald, your copious alcohol consumption is absolutely fascinating… get your head out of my lap."
"But it's more comfortable than the ground."
"And I'll hex you into next week if you throw up on me."
"I only did it once!"
"More than enough, Ronald."
"Hermione, why do you keep calling me Ronald? I thought we were close friends! Don't I mean anything to you?"
"Stop that ridiculous sobbing noise at once. You're convincing no one."
"Hermione!"
"You're doing incredibly stupid things that you think are incredibly clever, which means you are still- ugh- sloshed. Therefore, I will not stand for you to sit on me."
"I wasn't sitting on you. I was resting on you. There's a difference… You still haven't answered my question."
"…If only to keep you from looking like a sulky puppy… You mean many things to me, Ronald Weasley, most of which I can't discuss in front of children."
"Hermione!"
"George, you've said a thousand things that are worse- and don't tell me you're Fred! I'm confused enough!"
"…Hermione, there aren't any children here."
"Did it honestly take you that long to process my statement? …Besides, I meant Harry."
"Hey!"
"You are kind of an easy target, mate."
"Don't rub it in, Ron. Everyone's been having fun at my expense all afternoon, and I haven't been having much fun at all."
"So dance with me."
"Um-! Ginny!"
"…Actually, Hermione, I've changed my mind. I'd like to get my drapes in that lovely purple color Harry's turned."
"For goodness' sake, Harry, Voldemort's yet to attack- and if you all don't stop staring at me like I've just sworn at the pope, I'll say it again- so I don't think he'll show."
"After all, he wasn't invited."
"…Wow, Ron, that was actually kind of funny. Maybe you're not as drunk as I thought."
"Ginny, your words are an arrow through my soul, a blood-red stain on my personal manly-"
"Ronald, I'll dance with you if you'll just please not finish that metaphor."
"…But you look like you're about to throw up."
"Having to contemplate that image, yes, I am, but so are you."
"I'm not a barf-grenade, you know."
"I-"
"The last thing Weasley's Wizard Wheezes needs is a barf-grenade, George."
"George is sobbing in the loo about how no one knows who he is, Ginny. I'm Fred."
"Oh, sorry. Now look, Harry, Ron and Hermione are dancing- sort of- without fear of either one of them throwing up. Can't we dance without fear of being attacked?"
"…Er…"
"Just jump him, Ginny. He looks flustered enough that he'll probably just pass out on the spot, and then you can tie him up and-"
"Fred!"
"But I thought you liked it kinky, dearest little sister."
"Fred, keep talking in that vein, and I'll tell Mum exactly who-"
"Right. Buggering off. I'm going to go find a therapist for George."
"My aunt's a therapist."
"Yes, but she's a muggle, Hermione… and I thought your parents were dentists."
"I said my aunt, not my parents, Ginny… my family's almost all in medicine of some sort."
"So you have someone who can help Ron when he passes out?"
"I'm not going to-"
"You know, I was almost going to say I like dancing with you, Ronald… I'm not cleaning that up."
"Wouldn't expect any less from you, Herm-o-ninny."
"RONALD!"
(Originally, this was just going to be a stupid oneshot, but then I realized that I had other ideas that would work well for all-dialogue (and that this would be my one hundredth fic)… So yes. This will be a bunch of all-dialogue (and probably unrelated) oneshots, probably R/Hr (and usually involving the twins) and definitely stupid. Updated whenever I get an idea (and the time).)
