Ryder walked out of the choir room never wanting to walk back in. He was happy that the power was out and no one would be able to see his face. Sitting with the glee club every day, he'd never imagined that they would react the way they did. It took all the courage he had just to sit there and admit his darkest secret, and now it was out and no one understood how broken he was inside. They all thought he was lucky. He wanted to cry at the thought. Just reliving the memory for them made his skin crawl. He couldn't believe he thought they were his friends and that they would understand him. Now everyone in school would know by tomorrow.

Ryder didn't even bother grabbing anything from his locker; he wasn't going to do any homework tonight. He just wanted to go home and cry.

He sat quietly in the front of the bus where no one would bother him for the ride home. Luckily he was the third stop so he wasn't waiting long to get home. He walked slowly, glad that his parents were at work until 8 that night.

Not even turning on any lights in the house, Ryder went to his room and lay on his bed. His phone rang a couple times, but he ignored it. He didn't feel like talking to anyone ever again. He looked around his bedroom and felt a shiver go down his spine as his eyes settled on the door to his bathroom. He'd been coping over the years with what happened to him. It had only taken him a year after she molested him for him to be comfortable in his bathroom again. But even now, he always spent as little time in there as possible, taking quick showers and using other bathrooms in the house when he could. He turned over in his bed and closed his eyes, letting himself cry. He could feel her touch on him again, remembering how his body reacted in strange ways that his younger self hadn't understood.

He thought about what the glee kids had said. He knew that guys fantasized about his very situation and he wondered why he couldn't see it the way they did. He hated himself for being such a girl about it.

At some point during his crying, Ryder fell asleep. He was emotionally exhausted and sleep overtook him.

He woke up in a cold sweat three hours later. He'd been locked in his nightmare, reliving that horrid shower over and over again, only this time there were voices outside the bathroom, cheering him on as he cried his way through her touches.

Getting out of bed, Ryder went to the bathroom and started the shower, he felt disgusting and he just wanted the heat of the water to cleanse him. Stripping down and putting his phone on the counter, he stared at himself in the mirror. He looked normal. No one would be able to tell that he felt dead inside. He didn't know what the point to his life was anymore. For so long, all his energy had been put towards hiding his secrets. All he'd ever done with his life was to get through it and now he didn't feel he had a purpose.

All his senses seemed to fade as he found himself taking his razor out of the cabinet. He couldn't register the sound of the water running or the heat of the moisture as it burned into his skin. He didn't realize he had begun to cry again as he stood under the water with his razor in his right hand. He didn't feel the cut on his finger as he broke the blade free from its plastic head.

If someone had asked him what he was thinking when he slit his forearm from wrist to elbow, he'd have told them he wasn't thinking anything. For once, his thoughts weren't racing and his mind was blank. He let out a sob of pain as the depth of his cuts finally registered.

Feeling dizzy, he sat down in the tub and let the water run over him, washing his blood down the drain. He heard his phone ring but closed his eyes instead of answering it, letting a dreamless sleep overtake him.