(Hello, and welcome to my first Christmas fic! I've had this story in my head for the past few years, but for whatever reason I was never able to get it written down in time to share it for Christmas. After all that wait, I'm thrilled to finally be able to present it to you now. As suggested by the title, this story is a parody of the play The Best Christmas Pageant Ever, which, in turn, was based on the novel of the same title by Barbara Robinson. Just as I claim no ownership of the Slayers characters, I claim no ownership of that story either- this play is one that is near and dear to my heart, and I wanted to see it combined with the Slayers crew. Special thanks to the lovely Psychosongstress for giving me permission to borrow her darling Odilia for this story! Thank you for reading, and please enjoy.)
Sweet hour of prayer, sweet hour of prayer
'cause Lina Inverse isn't there.
Yes, Jesus loves us as they say
because He keeps her miles away.
Chapter 1
Filia's teeth clenched together in annoyance and she gripped the steering wheel, trying to keep a careful balance between watching the road in front of her and glaring back at her daughter, who was sitting in the backseat of the van with her arms crossed and her lips pulled up into a pout.
"…and then the Sunday School teacher got mad, because all the other kids said nice things about God and Jesus and good feelings…" Val explained hesitantly. "…but-"
"I told the real truth!" Odilia spat.
"I can not believe you said that." Filia growled.
"That's what everyone was thinking." Odilia defended, tugging at her seatbelt. "All those other things are okay, but the main good thing about church is that Lina and her cronies aren't there- ever."
There was a moment of silence, and then a voice piped up from the front seat.
"Now, now. That doesn't sound like a very pious sentiment to me." Xellos, Filia's on-again-off-again 'gentleman caller' was taking up most of the front area. No matter how many times Filia had chided him about putting his feet on the dashboard, here he was painting his toenails a bright red and green, in the car, while she was driving. Filia was going to say something about the nail polish fumes, but right now she was too angry with Odilia to care.
"It's a very practical sentiment." Val defended his sister. "Remember? Odile was black and blue all last year 'cause she kept picking fights with Pokota at recess."
"Pokota… is he the worst of Lina's minions?" Xellos questioned.
Odilia crossed her arms. "They're all the worst."
"Well, Gourry's the biggest." Val pointed out. "So, if Gourry gets you-"
"That doesn't make any difference! Amelia isn't big, but she's fast, and loud, and she has fists of steel!"
Xellos sighed, pulling the nail polish brush from between his teeth to speak. "Sorry I asked. Just stay away from all of them."
"That's what I said. Stay away from them. Go to church."
For once that car ride, Filia's mouth turned up into a genuine smile. "Oh, I'm so glad to hear you feel that way."
"…why?" Odilia was almost afraid to venture forward.
"No arguments this year about the Christmas pageant!"
"I don't want to be a sheep again!"
Filia sighed in exasperation. "Then just tell Dr. Nisery that you want to be an angel this year."
"I don't want to be in it."
The car screeched to a halt and everyone was jerked forward. Xellos' hand slipped and he got green nail polish all over the dashboard, but Filia didn't care about that right now. Odilia's last sentence had almost made her miss a stop sign. She turned to look at her daughter, her eyes burning.
"Everyone is in it. Just think of how I'd feel, sitting there on Christmas eve, if my own two children weren't in the pageant! Why, just think of how Xellos would feel!"
There was a short period of silence. Finally, when it seemed clear Xellos had no intention of answering, Filia nudged him.
"You'd feel terrible, wouldn't you, Xellos?"
Xellos cleared his throat awkwardly. "Well, I, uh, didn't actually plan to go this year." He had to quickly add onto his sentence as he saw the anger in Filia's eyes. "You know how crowded it always is. They can use my seat. I'm just going to sit back, relax, put on my bathrobe, and watch a Charlie Brown Christmas while I eat peppermint ice cream from the carton with a shovel. You know there's never anything different about the Christmas Pageant."
Filia glared at him. "There's going to be something different this year."
"Oh? What's that?"
"Val is going to be wearing your bathrobe."
"You just thought that up, Filia!"
The car finally pulled into the garage, giving Filia time to berate Xellos about his mistreatment of the dashboard. Val and Odilia took charge of carrying in the take-out food they were having for lunch. Odilia tried to carry as many bags in her arms as was possible, but Val took some from her. She stuck out her tongue at him angrily, but they were able to keep casual conversation
"Why don't you be Joseph?" Odilia suggested as they walked inside. "Zangulus would pay you, like, twenty bucks to be Joseph. He's sick of being Joseph all the time, just 'cause his girlfriend pressures him into it."
Val shook his head, placing the bag on the kitchen counter. "Nobody wants to be Joseph."
"Nobody wants to be in it."
"What about you, Val?" Xellos asked, reclining in the living room chair before anyone could order him to do any work.
Val was taking silverware out of the kitchen drawers and beginning to set the table. "I'm always in the angel choir."
"Why can't Odile be in the angel choir?"
"Uh, because I can't sing?" Odilia replied, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.
Xellos chuckled in reply. "From what I've heard in the past, that's not a big issue. Away In A Manger always sounds like a closet full of mice."
Filia pulled the tray of chicken out of the bag and placed it in the middle of the table. "Shame on all of you!" she scolded. "You know that Dr. Nisery works very hard every year to give everyone a lovely experience."
"Mom." Val rolled his eyes. "Dr. Nisery just likes to run things."
Filia shooed them off as they ran upstairs to wash up before lunch, but she finally sighed to herself. "Val's right, of course. He directs the pageant, he's in charge of the bazaar, he runs the Holly Day Fair, he organizes the potluck… I swear, Pestis Nisery would preach the sermon if someone would let him."
Xellos thought over the name for a few moments. "Pestis Nisery… is that… Maria Nisery's husband?"
"Yes."
"Well, maybe he'll try to manage the hospital, because that's where he is."
Filia almost dropped the dishtowel she was holding. "No!"
"Yep." Xellos replied with a nod. "I ran into Maria in the art supply store yesterday. She said her husband fell and broke his leg. He'll be in traction for two weeks and laid up until the first of the year."
"First of the year?" Filia gasped. "Wh-why they'll have to cancel Christmas!"
Xellos leaned up from his seat to look at Filia, raising a skeptical eyebrow. "He's in charge of Christmas?"
"N-no, but…" She wrung her hands on the towel nervously. "…he's in charge of the bazaar and the potluck and the pageant, and… well, I feel sorry for Pestis, but who's going to do all those things?"
It was just as she was finishing her sentence that the phone began to ring.
Both Xellos and Filia eyed it suspiciously. Xellos clearly wasn't going to get up from the chair to answer it, but Filia was wary of it as well and afraid to touch it. Finally, the phone was silenced mid-ring, a sign that one of the children had answered it from upstairs. There was a pause and then the sound of Odilia yelling "Mom! Phone's for you!"
Filia begrudgingly picked up the phone that was set on the kitchen counter, nervously twirling the cord in her fingers. "Hello?" she answered.
The next few minutes, Xellos watched her, but he couldn't figure out what was being said. Filia was keeping a straight face, and responding only with "yes," and "uh-huh," and the occasional "I understand." Finally, after more "yes's" than should have been necessary, Filia hung up the phone. She turned to Xellos with a weary expression, looking almost as though she had aged slightly in those few minutes.
"Xellos," Filia murmured, "I have to direct the Christmas Pageant."
Silence.
"…Does that mean I have to go?"
"…tell you again, Filia, how important it is to give everyone a chance. Here's what I do. I tell them- there are no small parts, only small actors. That's what I tell them-"
"Yes, Dr. Nisery."
"-and I say that we must choose our Mary carefully, because Mary was the mother of Jesus-"
"Yes, of course, Dr. Nisery."
"-and you've got to get someone to keep the baby angels in check, or else they'll walk all over their robes and tear up their wings, and it looks awful-"
"I see."
"-and don't let the kids wear make-up. They think that, just because they're in a play, they have to wear make-up, and it's always-"
"Yes, Dr. Nisery."
Val and Odilia were sitting on the carpet in the living room, watching TV, but they were distracted by their mother's conversation- or, lack thereof. All they could hear were Filia's constant "yes Dr. Nisery's" and "of course, Dr. Nisery's." Odilia sighed and looked over at Val curiously.
"I thought Dr. Nisery was in traction. How can he talk on the phone while he's in traction?"
Val raised an eyebrow. "What do you think traction is?"
"Like, when they put you to sleep?"
Val gave a laugh and shook his head. "No such luck."
"-and you'll need someone hand out the shepherds' crooks and push them on stage… ah! Xellos could do that. He could also manage the baby angels while you're-"
Filia was only halfway listening to what Dr. Nisery was saying, and when she heard the doorbell ring, she sighed in relief at the opportunity for escape. "Excuse me, Dr. Nisery? There's someone at my door. There's someone- Dr. Nisery, I have to go. There's someone at my- Dr. Nisery! I'll be right back, Dr. Nisery!"
As she tried to escape, the doorbell kept ringing and ringing, and though Val jumped up to answer it, Filia shot him a hand gesture asking him to stay where he was. She set the phone down on the counter and rushed to the door as the doorbell picked up speed.
"Yes, hello? Sorry for the- huh?"
A man in a thick cloak with the hood pulled up over his head was bent down, reaching out to Filia with an unsteady hand.
"M-Miss, could you spare some food? I haven't had a square meal in three days-"
Filia pulled his hood down. "Xellos." she growled.
He looked up, realizing he'd been discovered, and stood up straighter. "Sorry, sorry. But your phone line's been busy all day and you won't pick up your cell. Who've you been talking to?"
Filia let Xellos into her house and closed the door behind him to keep out the cold air. "Dr. Nisery's been on my case the whole week, telling me exactly how to run this Christmas pageant."
"And you won't hang up on him?" Xellos asked. "Filia, I've been lonely."
"I'll bet Dr. Nisery has been lonely at the hospital." Filia retorted.
"Not as long as the phones are working." Val piped in.
Xellos had sat down in the chair and Odilia climbed up into his lap. "He was probably telling her all about there's no small parts, only small actors."
"Yeah." Val laughed. "That and getting someone to shove the baby angels onstage and make the shepherds shut up."
"Yes," Filia stood behind the armchair and tapped Xellos on the head. "he actually suggested I get Xellos to do that."
Xellos groaned. "Does that mean I have to go?"
"Mom, you know there's nothing to worry about." Val stood up and moved to his mother's side, placing a hand on her shoulder. "Dr. Nisery is just stuck in the hospital with nothing to do but think of problems."
Filia smiled. "You're right. And there's not going to be any problems. Not on my watch."
The phone on the counter was left on its side, the sound coming from it just a dull drone to accompany the other sounds of the kitchen.
"…and make sure that you don't pick just any baby to be the baby Jesus. Get a quiet one. Better yet- get two. That way if one gets cranky, you can always switch… Filia? Are you still there? Filia?"
Lina Inverse's lunch table was always a chaotic scene. The kids at school had gotten so used to having their lunches swiped by Lina's group, they often gave them up willingly to avoid incurring Lina's wrath. At that particular moment, Lina and Gourry were fighting over the last oatmeal cream-pie while Naga laughed at them and Pokota was stuffing his face with some poor kid's leftover Thanksgiving pie. Amelia was oblivious to the chaos, sitting on the corner of the table playing a hand-held video game while Zelgadis watched over her shoulder.
"Why'd you equip that one? The other shield has a higher defense, you know." "You got the last Twinkie, Gourry! I deserve this cream-pie!" "Right, but this shield is cuter." "Are you kidding? You took all the desserts when I was out sick last week and didn't save me anything!" "The next boss is going to K.O. you in one hit." "You snooze, you lose, Gourry." "Not while I have the power of Justice on my side!" "I had the flu!" "You're an idiot."
"Hey, Lina! Gimme back my lunch!"
The voice of a little girl echoed across the cafeteria, grabbing the attention of most of the group at the table. Lina stood up to see who it was, and once she saw the girl, she was able to dig through the pile and grab hold of Odilia's lunchbox and toss it back to the girl.
"Sure, kid. Here."
Odilia caught the lunchbox and peeked inside of it. Lina had already gone back to her fight with Gourry, but Odilia wouldn't let her get off so easily.
"You stole my dessert again!"
"How do you know?" Lina shot back, refusing to let go of the cream-pie.
"Because it isn't here."
"What was it?"
"Two Twinkies." Odilia replied. Her mother only ever gave her one, but when Xellos got the chance, he would sneak an extra into her lunch. Whether it was to gain her favor or to anger her mother, she wasn't sure, but she wasn't going to object… unless, of course, it ended up in Lina's hands.
"Oh yeah." Lina glanced down at the pile of wrappers that she and Gourry had gone through already. "That's what it was."
Odilia ground her teeth in frustration, seeing the group going back to what they were doing with no evident consideration for her feelings. "Y-you think you're so great to steal my dessert every day? Y'know what? I don't care if you steal my dessert! I'll even give you my dessert! I get all the dessert I want, in… in…"
Her sentence had suddenly grabbed the attention of everyone at the table, and she realized in that moment that she couldn't back out. She had to think of something to say. It had to be somewhere that Lina and her pals didn't know about. Somewhere they'd never been before.
"…in… Sunday School!"
There was a pause.
"What kind of dessert?" Lina ventured.
"A-all kinds! Cake and candy and pie- we get refreshments all the time. All we want."
"You're a liar." Lina was in her face suddenly, and Odilia took a few steps back.
"-and ice cream, and cupcakes, and-"
Lina grabbed the collar of Odilia's shirt. "Who gives it to you?"
Odilia had to think fast. "Uh… th-the minister."
"Why? Is he crazy?" Zelgadis asked.
"No, I… I think he's rich."
Lina scrutinized Odilia's features and finally let her go with a sigh. Odilia scrambled away, clutching her lunchbox close to her chest, but Lina stayed where she was, watching the girl go and musing over what she'd said.
"…Sunday School, huh?"
(New chapters will be posted on Wednesdays and Sundays. Thank you for reading!)
