"I wish you didn't have to do those trials, Sam" Castiel whispers one night.

He tries not to wake Dean who lies asleep on the couch. Even though he has his own room, he can't sleep there, not when he knows that his little brother is sick and feverish. He hovers above him all the time, and now that he finally surrendered to fatigue, this role was taken by Castiel. The angel put the cold wet cloth on younger hunter's forehead and frowns when he feels the heat radiating even through it.

"They're purifying me, Cas, I'm becoming free of this venom running through my body." Sam smiles tiredly at his friend and then suddenly grabs his hand with surprising strength, eyes burning with glassy fire. "I didn't want it, never, even when I was using its powers. Cas, you have to believe me, I didn't. I hate it."

He stares as Castiel expectantly, looking a lot like sad child, not 30 years old man he is. Cas places his second hand on Sam's and squeezes it reassuringly.

"I'm aware of that. It was not your fault, it was forced upon you without your permission." He says, hoping that it will calm down Sam.

The hunter looks at their joined hands, lost in his confused, chaotic mind. There's so many memories running through it, some of them he didn't remember before, some of them he intentionally locked deep down to keep his sanity.

Fire Love Dean Touch Gasoline Blood Leather Running Fight What is wrong with me Save them I Can't Save Anybody Death Death Death I'm a Freak It's Okay Dean Fall PainPainPainPain

"I remember meeting you for the first time." Sam doesn't even notice when he starts speaking Enochian, past and present, Earth and Cage mixed in one in his thoughts "I remember how you took my hand and covered it with your own. Just like now."

"You know, I always believed in God. In higher power that won't let me become a monster. And there you were, personification of my prayers. I was so happy I could weep. But then…" Sam almost chokes on his own words "Then you said: the boy with the demon blood. And I knew, you could be what I always wanted. But for you… for you I was always abomination."

"Sam… that's not true" Castiel doesn't know how to convince this broken human in front of him. He regrets saying those things, thoughtlessly hurting this pure soul that needed help from him.

"Do you still see demon blood in me, Cas? Does touch of my skin repel you?" Sam's voice becomes more and more slurred, eyes closing for temporary rest "Don't worry, it won't be long… when I'll finish trials, I'll be pure. And maybe… maybe then I'll touch you without fear of tainting your Grace…"

Castiel watches Sam's face for a long time, wondering how he can look so innocent and almost peaceful in sleep, when he carries so heavy burden on his shoulders. Finally, he leans and presses soft kiss to his temple.

"I would crave for your touch even if you led the army of demons, Sam" He says against damp with sweat hair.