This fic is part of my No Children/Digimon V headcannon. "No Children" isn't required to be read, but this fic will tie in heavily with S. Walden's "Evenings", though I will try and mention specific companion chapters when they come up.


There'll be no strings to bind your hands

Not if my love can't bind your heart


1999

It seemed that no matter what Joe did, he always found a way to fail at it. Even something as simple as talking was able to escape him at this moment.

Matt was hugging TK tightly, Patamon and Tsunomon making sure their Tamers were safe from harm. Tai was congratulation Agumon for chasing off DemiDevimon, and Joe...

Joe was arguing with himself.

'Run up to him,' his heart told his feet. 'Go hug Matt, tell him you love him and you're glad he's safe.'

'We can't,' his feet said back. 'We promised we wouldn't.'

'That shouldn't matter,' his hands said. 'We love to touch him.'

'Everything matters,' his mind said. 'Everything I've done in these past three months, I did for him. I can't break that trust I built with him.'

Gomamon could sense the trouble rolling throughout Joe's whole body, the feeling like that of being in a barrel at sea during a storm. The seal wondered if it had anything to do with all the stuff the two humans had done almost every night in the boiler room behind the restaurant.

Matt looked up, blue eyes sparkling with relief. He blushed and smiled, a small expression meant only for the blue haired boy before him. "Joe, I..."

'This is it,' Joe thought. 'I promised I wouldn't make the first move, that I would never push you to do anything you didn't want to do. So, what will you say? In front of Tai? In front of TK?'

"Joe you saved my brother and, well..." Matt turned away, looking to his feet and Joe felt his heart sink. "You're a wonderful friend."

'Friend?!' Joe bit his tongue, forcing himself to smile even as his thoughts raced. 'You made love to me just last night! I know secrets of yours you've kept from TK his whole life! And you only call me "friend"?!'

"Of course," the words finally rolled off Joe's tongue with a warmth he didn't feel. "I'd do anything for my friends."

"All right, you guys," Tai laughed as he approached. He couldn't feel the tension, sense the unease. All he could see were his friends that had aged months in his absence of only a few hours at home. "We need to get going – we have to find Izzy and the girls!"

Without a second thought, they all fell in line behind Tai, like they always had. Except... TK could still feel the hurt in his heart from being abandoned and he pulled away from his brother subconsciously. Matt, now much more secure in his feelings for his brother and knowing the younger blonde was safe once more, turned his thoughts inward, staying silent the whole hike. Joe fought himself desperately, trying not to rip out his hair and scream at the blonde, demand that they admit to the whole Digital World what they had done and how they both felt – how Joe thought they both felt. He wanted to take Matt aside, talk to him just like they used to, but any attempt to get close to the other boy drove him away, drove him to fuss over his brother or Tsunomon or fight with Tai.

Distractions. That was what Matt was seeking. Anything to keep his own thoughts from racing beyond the present.

When they came to the split in the path, Joe tried not to let the hurt show as Matt instantly grabbed TK by the hand. He tried not to be jealous as Matt announced that he and his brother would go one way, and could Joe kindly go with Tai, far away from him?

But that was ok, Joe told himself. As he and Tai tried to convince Mimi to join with the group again, Joe found himself repeating his own mantra.

If he had forced the relationship, he would have only screwed it up. He would have found a way to fail at such a simple thing as love. Just like he failed at everything else.

By the time they found Sora, Joe had himself convinced that this was for the best. This dull, lonely ache in his chest was the price he had to pay for being a screw up. And that it didn't hurt like hell to see Matt so close, and yet be so far away from him.


Joe was determined, now. He'd discussed it with Gomamon (well, he'd spoken outloud and Gomamon had nodded like he understood) and he knew that if he didn't do it now, he might never get the chance. Hell, he'd survived being deleted and reconfigured, and if that wasn't a second chance he didn't know what was.

He reached out for his partner, pulling the seal from Dragon Eye Lake and holding him close. Gomamon dripped cold water all down his front, and he wiggled his ears contentedly. Joe turned to face his friends and swallowed harshly. He tried to keep from looking at Matt as he called tentatively, "Hey, guys, we've been through so much together, and I think it's time I told you all something..."

"What is it, Joe?" Tai asked with a smile. The sun was warm on his face and he fell back into the grass with a stretch. "You gonna tell us it's really you who was behind all this evil crap and now we have to kick your ass?"

Joe blushed furiously as all the other Children laughed. Biting his lip and holding his partner tightly, he opened his mouth and let the words come forth, "No, I, uh... I wanted to tell you that I, I'm..." His eyes flicked to Matt who was busy looking at Gabumon. "Gay."

Noone spoke. Gomamon squeaked as Joe squeezed him tightly. This was it. He'd finally screwed up everything. Just when everyone had finally relaxed, he'd been the one to screw it all up. Once more, he'd been the one to destroy everything. Just like his own family...

"Is that all, or is there more?" Mimi finally asked, laughter in her voice.

"What?" Gomamon nibbled at Joe's wrist until the blue haired boy dropped him. "What do you mean?!"

Mimi was giggling, a knowing light in her eyes. After all that time she'd spent alone with him searching for herself, for the others, she understood. "You can't expect us to be shocked. I mean, really, Joe?"

Joe looked to Gomamon at his feet. If Mimi had known about him, did she know about Matt? God, what if he had screwed up his lovely blonde's life as well? He didn't even realize he'd spoken outloud as he mumbled, "I thought I'd hid it well..."

But his little seal was laughing, and he could feel warmth bubbling through the soul-bond they shared. "I kept telling you, they aren't going to care."

Joe finally looked up. All the other Children were still relaxed with their partners, not one of them looking like they were surprised as Mimi had predicted. Only TK had walked over to Matt, tugging on his sleeve and asking something quietly that made the older blonde blush and push him away. Gomamon was happily waddling through the grass, settling himself next to Tentomon and Izzy, asking loudly, "What is 'gay' anyway?"

The ladybug Digimon shrugged and turned brilliant lime eyes to Izzy, the redhead explaining in simple terms to the creatures, "It means that he feels a physical, emotional, and sexual attraction to those of his same gender."

Matt made a motion to stand, to leave, as Tai and Agumon giggled over something, obviously not paying attention to Izzy. But TK was still pouting, demanding the answer to his question, as Gomamon and Tentomon continued to stare blankly.

"He's a boy who likes other boys," Izzy clarified and Joe blushed as Tai finally looked in his direction. The brunette blinked, wondering what was going on with his friends.

Palmon ran over to Izzy, saying sweetly, "Mimi likes boys, does that make her gay?"

"No," Sora insisted and Joe looked over at her. Had that coldness in her voice always been there? He had a sneaking suspicion that she knew. That she knew and didn't like it. But it wouldn't matter since they were all friends, would it? The girl blinked away what could have been a glare and explained to Biyomon, "Because Mimi's a girl. That makes her straight, like the rest of us."

Joe swallowed the words that desperately tried to escape, "Matt's not straight." But that wasn't right. If that had been true, than wouldn't the blonde have said something? Anything about those wonderful nights they used to share?

Had it all been in Joe's head? Had he been the only one to see it as something wonderful? Or had he already screwed it all up to leave himself all alone, just like he did every time?