title: chasing the clouds
fandom: pretty little liars
summary: spencer hastings has been taught to be against the idiotic notion of soulmates her whole life. toby cavanaugh would like to prove her wrong but it's not going to be an easy ride. nevertheless, he's willing to try.
inspiration/prompt:"au where everything is black and white until you meet your soulmate" (the source is tumblr but unfortunately, you can't insert links here)
pairings: spencer/toby, with background hanna/caleb, emily/paige and probably aria/oc
timeline: au story. no -a. they're about 21-22 years old.
rating: ugh, I don't know. a strong T, weak M? pretty much.
warnings: might contain some sexual stuff later on. we'll see. if it does get included, it won't be too graphic. or I'll warn you beforehand. also some foul language here and there.
notes: this happened because I really liked that au idea I found on tumblr and because I find the whole "soulmate" concept and soulmate aus unnecessarily over-romanticized. I call bullshit on instalove. there still has to be a build up and an actual relationship evolution, and you gotta give the characters the chance to actually fall in love, with the person who is their soulmate and not just with the idea of being in love with your soulmate, because there's a difference. you feel me?
disclaimer: I don't own anything.
Nightclubs are so not her thing. They never have been. When she was in high school, instead of spending her weekends partying, getting drunk and having sex in the bathroom or one of the rooms upstairs, she stayed home and studied hard. Perhaps read a book, or did something else that was equally as productive. The most fun she allowed herself to have was hanging out with her friends for a few hours.
She didn't know what the inside of a nightclub even looked like until she was nineteen and Hanna Marin, her freshly acquired roommate, actually managed to drag her along with them. But that was okay. Spencer Hastings never minded missing out on all the fun, mostly because she didn't consider it to be fun. The drumming in her ears, the music that was far too loud and far too obnoxious, the grinding of the bodies on the dance floor, and the drunken guys trying to make a pass at her – all these things were uninviting then and they are uninviting now.
Hanna had called her "old-fashioned" when Spencer frowned at the idea of attending a nightclub that day, but there was no denying the birthday girl - especially not on her twenty-first birthday. What she wanted, she got. That is how Spencer finds herself sitting at a table with her other roommate, Emily, sipping her alcoholic drink, while Hanna dances with Caleb, and their fourth friend, Aria flirts with a guy whose back is the only thing Spencer can make out from afar. She's glad they are at least enjoying themselves, but Spencer is growing bored, and she can see that this is not exactly Emily's territory either.
Still, they're here now, and Hanna will throw a fit if they decide to leave before she does, so they might as well try to make the most of it, right?
"Wanna come to dance?" Spencer offers as she stands up from her seat, straining to speak over the music. She's buzzed enough from her vodka to consider it half a good idea. From the corner of her eye, she sees Hanna and Caleb making their way through the crowd, heading towards the exit with matching silly grins on their faces. She strongly suspects they're going to have sex in the car, – it wouldn't be too surprising – and she doesn't know whether she should be amused or exasperated.
Emily nods, standing up herself. "Yeah, I think I'll just hit the bathroom first." She goes off in the other direction and Spencer approaches the dance floor. The mass of bodies move in synchrony with the beat, the DJ sometimes shouting things in the microphone, whooping and screams ringing over the loud music. Lights flash from the ceiling in every direction, but of course she can't tell their colors. She only sees the usual black and white, one of the downsides (actually, the only downside, as far as she's concerned) of not meeting her soulmate yet. It's quite a screwed up world they live in, she muses, to only be able see colors after you've met your freaking soulmate.
This is how it goes: you are born, you only see the world in black and white, but then one day, if you're lucky enough, you meet that one special person who will change your life, complete you and make you happy, and to celebrate this, biology apparently allows your vision to be finally filled with color. As soon as your eyes meet, boom – it's like an explosion. It happens in an instant. Or, at least, that's what she's been told her entire life, but she has never actually went through the ordeal herself. She's not sure she wants to. The whole notion of soulmates and unconditional love might sound appealing and super romantic to some people, but to her, it just sounds like a breeding system.
Her parents, Veronica and Peter Hastings, don't care much for soulmates or colors either. They've never experienced it (quite obviously, as it's clear to anyone with eyes that they are not in love with each other, and that's one of the first rules about soulmates – the unending love) and they fully believe it's romanticized bullshit. Logic, intelligence, ambition and money - they all overrule love and feelings. They raised their kids by teaching them the same mentality, so it's no wonder Spencer's older sister, Melissa, ended up marrying the heir of a multimillionaire company who is very much not her soulmate, and Spencer doesn't stick to any of her boyfriends for too long. It's not how common people operate – most of them secretly hoping to encounter their soulmates one day, even if they settle for someone else in the end, - but the Hastings family always prided themselves for being extraordinary. It would be silly and naïve to wait around your whole life for someone you might never meet, (according to researches, only 21% of the population finds their soulmate, and 67% of them are already committed to someone else when it happens) especially when you could be marrying someone much more practical in the meantime, someone with wealth and influence. Your soulmate could be a nobody, for all you know. He could be a poor low-life, or a criminal, or already dead. That's what her mother always used to tell Spencer.
To this day, she still remembers the conversation she had with Veronica when she was just a twelve year old little girl, dreaming of finding her own soulmate and finally seeing the world in color.
"Don't be ridiculous, Spencer," her mother rolls her eyes, giving her a look which makes Spencer feel ashamed for even daring to think about such romantic nonsenses. "Did you know that most people never find their soulmate? You won't either."
Spencer wants to object but she has no idea how. Veronica is unapologetic about the cruel words she tells her daughter and confident in what she's saying. Apparently, Spencer can't possibly fall into that 21%.
"But all the girls in my class, -"
"All the girls are stupid," she cuts her off, voice hard. "Are you stupid, Spencer?"
She shakes her head no.
"Do you want to be stupid? I didn't think so. I know what girls are like, Spencer, they all dream of finding Mr. Prince Charming. The problem is, they probably never will and these silly fantasies are only prohibiting them from moving forward with their lives. You have to see beneath what the world tells you about soulmates or you'll only end up disappointed. Do you understand?"
Disappointed? She's wrecked.
Veronica looks at her, awaiting her answer and she nods because she knows there's no other acceptable response, even if she would rather scream and cry at the moment. Hastings' don't cry. They don't throw tantrum fits. They don't show emotions, and preferably, they don't feel them either. She learned that lesson a long time ago, and although she's become good at concealing her feelings like her parents and sister do, she's yet to master the act of not feeling as well.
She feels like her mother is deliberately tearing apart her biggest dream, piece by piece, just to make sure she ends up as miserable as they are. Unconditional love and colors, it doesn't sound too much to ask for, but apparently, it isn't good enough for her mother. Time to grow up, Spencer, time to live in the real world, she would say. But she's only twelve. She doesn't want to grow up yet.
"Good," Veronica nods, satisfied. "You're too old for fairytales. Please don't misunderstand me, I'm not trying to discourage you from having a relationship someday. I just don't want you to have unrealistic expectations about them."
The words have stuck with her ever since. Slowly, Spencer started to see the world in the same light her family did. She grew resentful of the innocent naivety some girls had about soulmates. She grew to dislike the idea of being with someone the "universe has chosen for you", as if the loss of free will was somehow a good thing. A soulmate would only end up slowing her down, she decided. She had no time to have a serious relationship.
And maybe, she also wanted to impress her parents. For as long as she can remember, she's been competing with Melissa for her parents' love and affection, to be the favorite, to just hear them say a few kind words in her direction, and although she realized years ago that she will never be the Golden Child, for some odd reason, she still wanted to live up to their expectations. They wanted her to be class president, she became one. They wanted her to follow in their footsteps and be a lawyer, she chose to study law. They wanted her to reject the idea of soulmates, she did. Whatever they wanted, she always followed through.
There is just one tiny thing which never stopped to bother her, even if she doesn't want any soulmates or boyfriends anymore.
The colors.
She wants to see the colors.
She's fluent in French, she's an expert at history, she's one of the brightest potential lawyer the university has – she knows everything and anything which can be learned – but she doesn't know what colors look like. That can't be learned. You can't read it from a textbook or describe it. It's for your eyes only, not for words. And that pisses her off just as much as it makes her curious.
Hanna, her only friend who knows what they look like, thanks to her soulmate, Caleb, always says the Earth is gorgeous in color. That after seventeen years of only black and white, it's like waking up and seeing the world for what it truly is. The color of the sky, the sunset, a rainbow, Caleb's eyes – they were all worth the wait. That's what she says. But she can't describe the colors either. Spencer doesn't blame her – no one can – but she's secretly envious. If there is any reason she would want to meet her soulmate, it would be this. It bothers her that Hanna, and so many other people in the world, know what colors look like but she doesn't. It's the greatest injustice in the world.
Too bad you can't sue the universe, right?
Spencer shakes her head to get rid of these thoughts – now is not the time to dwell on her biggest failure. She came here to have some fun, not to make herself depressed. But her brain is a traitor – it won't shut down on its own volition, so she decides to help it along a little. She turns around, heading towards the bar instead, to order herself another glass of vodka and maybe wait for Emily to reappear from the bathroom. Aria is only a few feet away, and she ends up coming over to sit down next to Spencer, ditching the guy she was talking to, and ordering herself a drink as well.
"Hey! Having fun?"
"A lot of fun," Spencer snorts as she takes a sip and Aria grins at the sarcasm in her voice. "How about you? Is he cute?"
"Kinda," Aria shrugs, glancing at the guy behind her back who continues to hover close. "But I don't know, he's not, -"
"The one?" Spencer cuts in, shooting her friend a dry smile. Aria is a hopeless romantic if she's ever seen one. She is almost obsessed with finding her soulmate, and although she'll date other guys too, they usually don't last long. Her longest relationship ever was five months and it ended with cheating and a broken heart. Aria's view on life is the complete opposite of Spencer's "no soulmate, no trouble" mentality, but it's one of the reasons why they have such a good relationship. Being friends with someone exactly like her would be boring.
"Yeah," Aria admits, her expression mirroring a four year old petulant child sticking her tongue out at her mother. "Whatever, I think I might give it a shot. He's nice enough. I saw Hanna and Caleb leaving earlier, but where's Emily?"
"In the bathroom, she'll be back soon. We're giving this dancing thing a chance," she grins at the petite girl, taking note of the way she kept glancing back behind her. Obviously, Aria thinks the guy is more than just "nice enough", even if she won't let herself admit it because he's not "the one."
"Go," Spencer urges her, giving her a tiny shove. "You don't have to entertain me."
"No, it's okay," Aria shakes her head, raising the glass of alcohol to her lips. She's convincing enough but Spencer knows her better than to buy it. She's itching to go back to the boy.
"Seriously, Aria, Emily will be right back in a minute, go."
Giving her a grateful smile, Aria slides off the barstool with her drink in her hand and goes back to boy in question, who gives her a bright smile as she approaches. Spencer grins to herself. She might not be a big fan of romance, but Aria is different, and she's happy to see that she's finally returning to her old self after the whole Noel Kahn fiasco. She deserves better than an asshole who cheats on her with some other pretty bimbo.
Spencer turns away from the two just as somebody comes up next to her to order a drink, and her eyes land on the man. Tall, broad shoulders, light hair, a white T-shirt and dark pants. He orders two whiskeys. His voice is surprisingly smooth and velvety, and though she only sees his profile, he looks handsome. Apparently, the bartender agrees, because she flashes him a million dollar smile as she prepares the drinks. He doesn't look affected. Spencer is just about to turn back to her own drink when he glances at her, as if sensing her stare. Their eyes meet.
And just like that, it happens.
The "boom" effect.
For a moment, she can't even breathe. Her hand tightens around her drink, her eyes bulging, as everything bursts into color. She can't name them, - of course she can't, this is the first time she experiences this – but it's not black and white anymore. There are flashes of other colors, on the dance floor, the lights, the bartender's shirt, his eyes.
Oh god, his eyes. She chokes on air as she stares into them but she can't look away. They're hypnotizing, like magic, like a spell, and for a moment, she thinks, "this is what I've been waiting for my whole life," before she catches herself. It's then that the reality of what just happened dawns on her. Oh god.
Oh my freaking god.
The expression on his face doesn't register within her, she only sees him moving closer and opening his mouth, and it's enough to have her hyperventilating. No, she's not doing this. She can't do this. She doesn't want this.
Not a soulmate, goddammit.
She makes the decision to leave before he can talk to her in a split of a second. Well, to be fair, she's more like running away, but what is she supposed to do? Should she say, "Oh, hey there, soulmate, so nice to meet you, thank you for bringing color into my life, but now leave, please? I don't actually want to do anything with you, thanks for understanding, and enjoy the rest of your life." Yeah, okay. That would be perfect.
How do other people do it? What do they say? How do they act? Do they start making out immediately? Hanna and Caleb did. Does this guy want to do the same with her? The idea makes her even more nervous and desperate to get away.
She isn't thinking, shutting her brain off as she gets up from the barstool, her mind leading her towards the exit. She hears a "hey" behind her, someone trying to get her attention, but she doesn't register any of it, she doesn't pay attention. If the man, her soulmate, tries to follow her, he loses her in the crowd by the time she gets outside. She's relieved. She doesn't want to deal with this right now. Or ever.
No soulmates. No. She doesn't need them.
The next thing she knows she's home. Her brain was once again on autopilot as she walked back to her apartment, only gaining consciousness when she stepped inside the living room.
But as soon as she turns her brain back on, all kinds of thoughts invade her mind, making it difficult to untangle them.
I should let the girls know I left.
I need some coffee.
He was kind of handsome though, wasn't he?
A soulmate, what the hell am I going to do with that?
I can't tell anyone.
What time is it?
I'll probably never see him again.
Good.
I don't feel like sleeping. Maybe there's something on TV.
I wonder what his name is.
Wait, I can see colors.
Have they realized I left?
I'm not going to deal with this. It won't affect my life in any way, I'll just go on like usual.
There isn't a rule that says you have to be with your soulmate.
His eyes were beautiful.
What color were they?
What color is my dress?
The last thoughts stick and she hurriedly opens her laptop, googling "colors". She owns some books on the topic, actually, but this is faster. Results come up in less than a second and she clicks on a random link, impatiently tapping her foot as the website loads, even though it doesn't take long at all.
Pictures of colors are presented to her, the basic ones and its hundreds of different shades. Her eyes take it in hungrily, bewildered, in awe. Purple, red, blue, green, yellow, pink... She already knew these names but she never knew which word to associate with which color. Now that will all change.
She memorizes them, closing her eyes, repeating the words, picturing the colors and putting images next to them, like "my dress is purple", "the couch is brown", "the flower on that painting is yellow", "his eyes are blue".
Blue.
It feels better knowing that. Now that curiosity isn't eating away at her insides, she might be able to forget them. Yes, she will forget them. It shouldn't be too hard, she wants nothing to do with the guy.
She's grateful to him in a way, for improving her vision (and this is nothing yet, she reminds herself, after all, it's nighttime - she can't wait to see the world in daylight, to see a rainbow and a sunset, to see the grass and the sky, and all the beauties of life) but that is all. Gratitude is all she's willing to feel for him. A chance encounter at a nightclub is all their relationship will ever be.
She's almost sure she won't even see him again. New York is a huge city. She'll have no problem avoiding him.
well, that was it, the first chapter *claps hands together* also, I'm relatively new to this fandom and this is my first (but hopefully not last) Spoby fanfiction. you guys can call me Niky. I would love to see your thoughts, and I'll try to update as soon as I can, but unfortunately with university, it might take a while sometimes. I'll do my best though.
thanks for reading! :)
