I am not strong enough

"Sergeant Korsak." I heard Korsak said into his phone as he answered it. I watched him slowly sank to the chair behind him, as if he was suddenly sick and pale.

My smile on my face slowly faded away. Korsak looked at me shockingly. Then I knew something must be wrong. Terribly wrong.

"What?" I managed to ask. The "what" sounded foreign to myself. I had said many WHATs to my Ma today already, but neither of them sounded as strange as this particular one.

"It's Dr. Isles. She…she just called. She said…Frost was…he…had a car accident…"

What happened next were all chaos. I did not remember getting in Korsak's car. I did not remember Ma and Frankie followed us to go as well. I did not remember Korsak pulling his unmarked in the scene which was full of red and blue light. I did not remember getting out of the vehicle. I did not remember running to the scene and the officers holding up the yellow tape for us.

I was only aware of Maura leaning down near a body bag and a devastated car was turned over upside down.

And I recognized that it was Frost's crown vic.

I could do anything but just freezing there on the same spot, incapable of moving an inch.

A weight was on my shoulders, two small arms wrapped around me. Then I realized the arms were Maura's.

"He's gone…" Maura whispered in my neck, unable to fight back a sob.

Then it was me to holding on Maura desperately for dear life. I did not notice hot tears were falling uncontrollably down on my face like heavy rain.

I know everyone was hurting. Frankie must be trying his best not to cry while my Ma could only lean on his shoulders. Korsak lowered his head, silently wiped away a tear.

I just lost a partner, a brother, a friend, a family member.

Barry's stomach was not strong enough in facing gruesome blood and corpses, but me, I am totally not strong enough to facing my partner and brother's death.

I hate to let someone go out of my life, and I certainly hate it when it is Frost who I need to let go.

I just can't, because I'm not strong enough to let him go, this way.

I am not strong enough to accept reality.