I don't own Gundam Wing and the characters.
Thank you sis for the wonderful beta!
12 January AC 198
L3 colony S-6751 Circus Tent
Catherine still called him by the name Trowa Barton, two years after Dekim Barton's death.
Trowa sometimes wondered if the wars had really happened at all.
When the transition from one lifestyle to another is too abrupt and sudden for the mind to register, the only way for the mind to cope was to seal away memories from the past lifestyle. Shove them all into a plastic box and push it under the bed to be forgotten. Life at the circus had a routine: wake up at five in the morning, praise Catherine for her excellent breakfast coffee, feed the animals, clean the cages, practice for the night show... Repeated actions soon became a familiarity, and after two years, it seemed to Trowa that he had been doing this for all his life.
The days of being a mercenary and a soldier seemed so faraway that they were almost like memories from a past life - strange yet tangible - like Dejavu. Trowa did not particularly hate those memories, but it was mildly annoying to know that he would never be able to live without the burden of his past. His current surname was a constant reminder of who he was, and what he had done. He would never be able to escape that.
And there were moments when little triggers in life would recall the faces of his past comrades from the deep recesses of his mind. When he drank Catherine's coffee he would remember Wufei's brief stay during the war; when he had to baby-sit injured animals he would be reminded of the time he took Heero under his wing; when he knew for certain that a lion cub was dying, he thought of Duo, the self-proclaimed God of Death.
Quatre Winner was a different matter altogether. He appeared more often than the others, and the resurfacing memories of the blonde usually made him feel uneasy. He thought of him whenever he saw a violin or flute (he still kept the flute given to him by Quatre); he thought of him when he heard of news from L4 (the news was usually about the L4 representative anyway); he thought of him every time he feed Daniel the lion, which Quatre had caressed (1) while convincing Trowa to send Heavyarms for destruction. Trowa could still recall the circus tour on Earth last season. As he stood on the shores of Italy looking out at the Mediterranean Sea, the afternoon sun just happened to hit the water at a particular angle to turn the sea into a very particular shade of aquamarine - identical to Quatre Winner's eyes in colour and in depth. Trowa had fidgeted, feeling awkward and slightly annoyed at the memories that popped out on their own accord.
To account for the inordinate amount of times the Arabian found his way into his head, Trowa would make a conscious effort to think of the others whenever he thought of Quatre. He tried to convince himself that it was nothing more than a wave of nostalgia - he did think of the others as frequently as he did Quatre, after all. The blonde was in no way special.
He knew he was fooling himself.
Catherine had given him a home, a family - a haven to return to, something he had longed for all his life. He felt like a jerk to want anything more. He did not know exactly what Quatre was to him anyway. Heero once told him to follow his emotions, but that could prove a challenge when one could not figure out what the emotions meant.
He did not love Quatre, that he was certain of. There had been an assassination attempt made on his blonde comrade in AC 196, and when the news of Quatre's supposed death reached him, all Trowa had felt was shock and at most, a little emptiness. He had not been grieved, had not showed any remote signs of crying, devastation or hysteria. Catherine loved him, and he could picture his sister crying and cursing him in equal measure should he fail to fulfill his promise to return from the war. By comparison, this incident was decisive proof that Trowa most definitely did not love Quatre.
Then why did he come to your mind more often than anyone else?
Thinking about such inconclusive matters frustrated him. It brought him nothing but sleepless nights. Trowa shook his head to clear his mind of such clutter, then flopped on his bed and switched on the television with the remote. By After Colony standards, his in-tent fourteen-inch television was fairly small, but it was more than adequate for personal indulgence.
The news anchor of the ESNN had strawberry curls that stood out against her dark grey pantsuit. It was Enrida Conney, a favourite of Trowa. He liked her for her matter-of-fact attitude and neutral expression while reporting news, but today, her lack of expression nearly threw Trowa into a fit.
"...ew development regarding the death of Quatre R. Winner, representative of the L4 colony cluster. Mr. Winner's personal lawyer had called a press release to relay the representative's last words. It would seem that the shuttle explosion was not an accident, but a planned suicide. We have Anthony at the press release. Anthony, what is the latest news from Mr. Winner's lawyer?"
Trowa had dropped the unnoticed remote upon the first sentence, his head robbed of its ability to process the information. The clang of the remote hitting the floor sounded inordinately final in the momentary pause.
On screen, the studio had cut away to a live telecast of wooden podium against a whitewashed wall. Microphones of various news stations were neatly lined in front of the podium. Anthony was commenting on the situation, but he stopped abruptly when a professional looking man in black shirt and suit rose to take the podium. The lawyer's somber countenance was instantly bathed in the sterile lights of camera flashes.
The man cleared his throat and the noise at the scene quickly died down. He explained that he would now be reading word for word the message that Quatre Winner had instructed him to announce to the world after the representative's suicide. He began, his voice chill with the utter lack of emotion:
"I, Quatre Raberba Winner, son of the well-respected former L4 leader Sai-id Winner, decided to choose death over dishonour to my family name. I had acted foolishly against my family's peace-loving traditions and my father's noble ideal of pacifism. It is, however, an indisputable fact that I was the pilot of Gundam Sandrock during the Eve Wars."
Uproar ensured at the last sentence. Reporters shot up their hands demanding answers, and the directors were waving frantically to their crew to catch the biggest scoop of the century. A field day for the media industry. Trowa leaned forward to grip the sides of the TV box, resisting the urge to pound some sense into the proceedings. The lawyer's voice, so far removed from Quatre's impassioned own, continued, temporarily silencing the mob.
"It was naļ¶„ passion and foolish rebellion on my part - my father almost disowned me. I truly regret taking the lives of others, and wish to extend my deepest apologies to all whose lives I have affected. I have left three billion credits in the Winner War Foundation to help war-torn families rebuild their lives. The money and my life, though insufficient to atone for my sins, are all I can offer."
No. He cannot be dead. This is just another hoax right? Another set-up death? Quatre survived two wars and an assassination He can't die now. Not like this. Not in a ridiculous suicide when all of us had fought tooth and nail to live...right?
"A man had recently gotten hold of evidence to prove that I was a Gundam Pilot. He tried to blackmail me into going against Miss Relena's noble ideal of total pacifism, and support the arming up of L4. He could thus make his fortune in the ensuing armaments race. He even went as far as to wrongly accuse me of being the pilot of the dreaded Wing Zero which destroyed a whole colony in L4, threatening to drag my family's name into the fray. Caught in the dilemma between the just cause of total pacifism and maintaining my family's honour, I was left with no choice but death."
Wait. Had Quatre just denied being the pilot of Wing Zero? Did the lawyer misread anything?
"A dying man does not lie. I was the pilot of Sandrock and Sandrock only. I never piloted Wing Zero. The Winner family had nothing to do with my personal actions. Please remember that my father sacrificed himself to prevent the L4 from joining in the mindless frenzy of the arms race - he was a true hero of the peace we enjoy now. The war is over. Stop trying to find out who the other Gundam pilots are. Stop trying to figure out who did what in the war, all these do not matter. Leave the past soldiers alone. They have contributed much to the peace we now enj..."
The live broadcast was abruptly cut as Trowa punched the "off" button on the television with restrained anger. Quatre's plead to leave the past soldiers alone sounded disgustingly hypocritical under such a context.
He lied. Not a harmless white lie, but a big fat lie. And the whole universe is going to fall for it because he covered it up with his suicide. Or supposed suicide. I refuse to believe that he would die like this, that sneaky brat.
Trowa reached for his cellphone and dialed a number from memory. There was one person who would know everything about this suicide.
"Preventers? Please connect me to Officer Chang Wufei. It's urgent. Tell him that 03 called him. Yes. He knows me."
1 - Near the end of the Blind Target manga, there is a scene of Quatre touching a lion through the bars of the lion cage. Trowa is not the only one who can tame animals. :)
