I got this idea while talking with my grandma, mom, and little bro. This is dedicated to them. Warning: There's probably OOCness ahead.

Quick Reminder: I don't own FullMetal Alchemist. Some lucky person in Asia does…

Title: Why You Never Let Roy Mustang Cook The Christmas Ham

or

Roy vs. The Ham

By Petal and Keyblades

Roy was in a pickle.

A very big pickle.

Every year, the State Alchemists have an uber-huge like as in big-as-the-empire-state-building-big Christmas party. Everyone had to draw a slip of paper out of a hat with a certain dish on it, like cranberry sauce or green-bean casserole the day before Christmas.

The Colonel got the ham, and quickly complained he didn't have a recipe to cook ham. Bad move, Roy. Shieska swiftly and quietly gave him a blurry-looking recipe quietly while Armstrong sparkled his pink sparkles and ranted on about how "Cooking ham at Christmas is a family tradition passed down in the Armstrong family for generation after generation". Riza, knowing the Colonel so well, decided to get an extra ham…

Ham 1, Mustang 0

So there was Roy at his house, trying to cook a ham for the first time. Alone. He couldn't read the instructions because they were so blurry, so he decided to go buy some ham glaze at the store.

The line was so long, but after two hours and some headache medicine later, a very grumpy Roy came out of the grocery store, only to slip in a snow bank, fall flat on his face, and spill the glaze. He had to go back to the store and repeat the whole process over again.

Ham 2, Mustang 0

Finally, Roy got home, shoved the ham onto the poker, and being in the bad mood he was in, forgot to take the netting off the ham.

Then he started to glaze it and cleaned out the pit he was going to slow-cook it in. Then he put the rod the ham was on onto two forked metal sticks to hold in up and lit a fire. The ham netting instantly caught on fire.

Ham 3, Mustang 0

Of course, by then, it was too late to go buy another ham to replace the ruined one, so he quickly put the fire out and went to bad, thinking about how everyone would either love him (the vegetatians), hate him (Riza with a gun to his head and the meat-loving people attacking him), or just be laughing their asses off at him (Ed and his partners in crime, the 3 new 14 and 15 year old state alchemists). Add the fact on that Armstrong would rant on even more about ham being a Christmas trandition in his family for years and years …

He just hated that stupid ham.

Roy slowly fell into a uneasy sleep.

The next morning Mustang woke up to and annoying alarm clock, of which was quickly turned off. He groggily rubbed his eyes, got out of bed, got dressed, got a cup of coffee, and went to the office, only to find Riza there, with her hair down, wearing a long blue skirt and white blouse, with a perfectly cooked ham and a can of cranberry sauce.

Roy couldn't speak. He felt like a fish without water. "But…How…"

Riza silenced him with a smile and a very un-Riza-like chuckle. "I had a feeling…Pryomanics plus ham equals burnt ham…" Roy smiled, relieved. "Thanks. What can I do to repay you?"

They looked up to a sprig of mistletoe over the gap in between them.

Riza looked up at the mistletoe and back at Roy. "Well…There's one way…" she said mischievously.

Roy grinned and looked at Riza. "I thought you'd never ask."

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Well, there you have it. My first one-shot. Kind of experimental. I need a beta-reader…

It was probably cheesy, and Riza was a little OOC. Geez.