"You're all set." Guild Gal stamped the form with eager alacrity. "Take care of those goblins, alright?"

"I will." Goblin Slayer's voice rang slightly from behind his face-concealing helm. Without another word he turned and strode away from the counter.

His admirer watched him join the waiting team of High Elf Archer, Dwarf Shaman, and Lizardman Priest. She noticed the way they all clustered around him in friendly yet respectful fashion. It was good to see him with a group who really valued his expertise. Goblin Slayer tended to taciturnity at the best of times, leaving him with little in the way of friends amongst other adventurers. They often looked down on him, even those lower in rank. But judging by the grins that unlikely team was sporting, they would not only support their erstwhile team leader in battle, but be glad to have him.

Guild Gal crossed her arms on the countertop to observe them with a fond smile. It really was heartening that he had found some allies. Showed that she wasn't alone in appreciating that admittedly elusive individual. Maybe it might even help him grow in terms of socializing.

Not for the first time, she found herself wondering…

What would it be like to date Goblin Slayer?

WHAM!

Guild Gal knew what she would see without even turning around. Sure enough, when she came about it was to spy a large sack deposited on her workspace. Goblin Slayer stood behind the counter.

"I brought you a present," he stated tersely with arms hanging at his sides.

Taking a deep breath, she affixed a smile in place and walked up to confront him. "Oh, my. A present, you say? And whatever could it be?"

"I think you know." With that, he upended the contents of the sodden sack all over the countertop. "Goblin heads."

A heap of over twenty decapitated goblin skulls was now taking up most of the table in front of her. Guild Gal suppressed a shudder of revulsion at the sight of split craniums, oozing brains and gouged-out eyeballs. He really outdid himself this time.

"You… sweetheart!" she managed to force out between clenched teeth. A vein was throbbing in her forehead which her boyfriend, as usual, contrived to ignore.

"There's a surprise in this one." He pointed at a certain twisted green face out of many. "Open it."

The shudder that went up her spine was impossible to hide. Nevertheless, she resolutely reached forth, grasped the dead creature by its long nose (ew-ew-ew-EW!) and proceeded to pry open its cracked and bloodied jaws. Guild Gal then reached in and plucked out what proved to be a wonderfully wrought gold ring with a large ruby set in its casing.

"It's… lovely," she said in tones devoid of emotion. Privately Guild Gal thought, 'I will never stop washing my hands.' The light in her eyes had gone out in the last few seconds and she stood there with that same tight-lipped smile in place.

"Good." He turned and left.

Guild Gal pursed her lips in thoughtful deliberation, eyes narrowing slightly.

Yup. Probably something like that.


"I have a quest," Goblin Slayer stated as he drew abreast of his teammates.

Standing by the stairwell, the three adventurers exchanged knowing glances. "Let me guess," High Elf Archer mused aloud. "Is it… goblins?"

"Yes."

"Then what are we waiting for?" Cheerfully she slung her bow over one shoulder. "Let's get going."

As they headed towards the door High Elf Archer waved at Guild Gal, who left off daydreaming in time to wave back. Orcbolg took point, eager to proceed as always. She had come to admire that about the man. In fact, it was hard to believe this was the same fellow she so casually wrote off on first impression as a washed-up loser in search of any assignment he could find. When a person was as good at their job as Goblin Slayer, one had to afford them respect.

The ancient forest dweller studied their peculiar compatriot as they walked by other adventurers seated at long trestle tables. Never in her thousands of years had she ever met anyone quite like Orcbolg, human or not. He had proven to be quite fascinating, if a bit intimidating. His focus on goblins left her curious as to whether or not he bothered with anything outside of quests.

I wonder if Orcbolg ever goes on dates? What would he do on them?

"Elven poetry derives almost entirely from musical pieces," High Elf Archer unrolled a scroll on the table. "For instance, this one here?" She leaned in 'til their shoulders almost touched to point out a particularly long, complicated word. "That's 'lothmullerienithos', which roughly translates to 'Song of starlings spoken to a lover indicating the path ahead is clear'." She colored a bit at the implications and turned back with a big grin. "You get it?"

Seated beside her, Orcbolg appeared to study the intricately looped and curlicued words with something akin to interest. "Hm," he grunted. "I do have some experience in this type of thing. Over the years I've translated the spoken words of goblins into a written language."

"Really?" That sure came as a surprise. Of course he probably only did it to get a better idea of how his hated enemy's mind worked. Still, this was a side of him she had never expected. Orcbolg contributing to scholarly pursuits? Who would have thought! "I'd love to see some." Not technically truthful, but if it was something he felt strongly about…

"Here." The masked man reached into his ever-present pouch and retrieved some scraps of parchment which he spread in front of him. High Elf Archer took note of the sharp, direct manner of his writing with a sort of fondness. Even here, he's blunt.

"What does this one mean?" She pointed at an ugly-looking word the elf maiden had no intention of trying to vocalize.

He looked where indicated. "That says, 'Please stop'."

"Oh." Should have seen that coming. Undaunted, she selected another. "And this?"

"That's, 'Please stop disemboweling me now'."

"Heh." High Elf Archer half-convinced herself that was meant as a joke. "What about here?"

"Not my children. Please, not my children."

Her mouth drifted open at the implications. Orcbolg, however, proceeded to detail the remaining words without further need for prodding.

"This one is easy. It's just, 'Where are my arms?' And right after that you normally get, 'I can't feel my legs,' often coupled with, 'Asshole'. This next one is complicated. It reads, 'Not up the ass. Please, not up the ass. Aw, you gave it to me up the ass…'"

Orcbolg failed to notice how the girl sitting beside him had turned white.

"…even though I asked you not to. Wait, stop, don't pull the war hammer back out, the hook, it will tear…'" He glanced up. "After that they start screaming."

Only then did he finally notice he was alone at the table.

High Elf Archer snapped out of that daydream before it went too far. She liked Orcbolg, really. But maybe it was best she didn't know what he got up to in his spare time.

Some mysteries were better off undiscovered.


As they passed by her table, the muscular Barbarian Amazon settled down an ale tankard and rested one chin on her hand in drunken good cheer. She noted Goblin Slayer's departure with his crew and couldn't help but smirk. That guy was such a weirdo. Cute though, under that helmet. And fit. Her kind of man, really. Probably a total animal between the sheets with his saucy little Cow Girl every night. As long as you kept mentioning goblins, that is.

In fact…

"Oh Goddess, YES! Take me from behind on this giant mound of slaughtered goblins while we're bathed in stinking goblin blood and intestines! Slam it home, you goblin-killing MANIAC! I love it that I can't see your face or know what you're thinking! Smack my big beautiful ass! What's that? The Elf wants to join in? Hell YEAH! March your saucy little butt over here, Green-Hair! Pour that huge chest of gold coins all over me! Just listen to the sound of all that money bouncing and rolling over the floor! DAMN, that turns me on, I LOVE IT!"

Chuckling merrily, Barbarian Amazon caught sight of Sorceress sitting at an adjoining table. The gorgeous magic-wielder also had her eyes trained on the departing Goblin Slayer as she languidly smoked a pipe while wearing that knowing smile. Sorceress then noticed her brawny compatriot and lifted her wine glass in a commiserative salute. The warrior woman grinned and did the same before taking a swig.

If they ganged up on him, she was pretty sure they could get Goblin Slayer into any predicament they wanted. Then again, might be easier to just tell him it helped killing goblins beforehand. Less fuss all around.

Whether that boy knew it or not, he had a lot of admirers. And if he ever pulled his head out of the goblin guts long enough to notice, she and a few other girls would be more than happy to show him how far that admiration went.

FIN.