Revolutionizing a Robot
Chapter One: Jealousy, and a Plot Point
My first Futurama fic, and it's a strange love triangle of sorts. I should feel guilty, I suppose. Ah well. Anyway, this fic contains yaoi. Don't like, don't read. Contains FryxLeela, one-sided BenderxFry, and RobotDevilxBender as the three main couplings. If you don't want to read it, there's a lovely back button. Utilize it. If you do read, I would love to see a review, because I tend to get discouraged when my fics receive no reviews.
Without further ado, enjoy the first chapter.
Rated for themes, language, and some other crap I'm forgetting.
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"Good news, everyone!"
The crew of the Planet Express glanced up from their normal morning activities. This included drinking and smoking for Bender, applying makeup for Amy, staring off aimlessly into space for Fry, looking over budget reports for Hermes, adjusting and readjusting her boots in Leela's case, and eating whatever garbage he could find—obviously Zoidberg.
The Professor entered, holding up what appeared to be an old-fashioned computer chip, like one from Fry's time period. "I've just created something that will revolutionize the field of robotic romance!" He exclaimed happily.
"Oooh! Ooh! Test it on me!" Bender jumped up and down in hi seat, then remembered to ask, "Uh, what does it do?"
The Professor clicked his tongue against his teeth to make a 'tsk, tsk' sound. "Well we can't very well discover that until it's tested, now can we?"
Statements of "You know it," "Sounds safe," and, "Zoidberg approves!" flooded in, and Bender—if he had been able to—would have nodded.
"Sounds good, ol' man! Let's get to it!"
"Wait," Leela interrupted, "is that the chip you're going to use to update Bender, Professor? Isn't it a little… well… old?"
Silence reigned for a critical moment before the Professor remembered to answer. "Oh my, yes. But Bender's programming is a bit antique in and of itself."
"Bite my shiny metal ass!" Was the robot's response.
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"Now, now, this may hurt a little."
"Up yours!" Bender snapped in response. He was strapped to a metal table by the ship's unbreakable wire, with his coworkers sitting around him, munching on popcorn. Apparently Fry had finally mastered the thirty-first century microwave. "C'mon, c'mon, let's get goin' already, meatbag!"
"Very well then." The Professor snapped on his goggles and then with a very delayed "Ouch!" proceeded to insert the chip into a cavity on the side of Bender's metal head. "All done!"
"Well that didn't hurt at all," Bender scoffed, and then was smacked over the head with the Professor's wrench. "Ow! Hey! You dented me!"
"I had to make it hurt somehow." Professor Farnsworth shrugged. "Now it's time to move on to the testing procedure!"
If he could have, Bender would have grinned. "Oh boy, this is gonna be great!"
His coworkers didn't look as happy as he did. They had wanted more violence, and less robot-on-robot action. They got up and left the room grumbling various complaints. "Who wants to watch All My Circuits?" Fry asked as they exited.
The other set of doors slid open, revealing Hermes and Scruffy the janitor pushing in two large wooden crates. "Here ya go, man," The bureaucrat said, patting the box he'd pushed in, "two lovely little fembots for you to experiment on." He smacked the boxes with a crowbar and the fronts fell off. Both fembots immediately approached Bender, giggling and showing a bit too many open circuits.
"Oh my," Said the Professor, adjusting his glasses.
"This is gonna be great!" Bender repeated his earlier statement happily. As the Professor, Hermes, and Scruffy filed out, he remembered something important. "Hey, wait! Someone untie me!"
"Ooh, mister Bender, I didn't know you were into something so kinky…"
"Make sure to tell me what my robot-romance revolutionizing chip does!" The Professor called as the doors slid shut.
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It was weird, Bender thought as the two fembots strode out. Usually he would have felt inclined to be more chauvinistic, and would have spent the whole time trying to score. In fact, that's what he should have done. But instead, they'd just talked—about life, the universe, and why robot subculture deemed that robots should be skinny. Oh no! Was he turning into a woman!? Not again! Unless he was winning gold medals, but that certainly wasn't happening…
Still, he had no idea what the chip had done. Vague suspicions, sure, but no concrete idea. The Professor hadn't been pleased, and said he wasn't going to pay for anymore hookerbots. A week passed normally with Bender being the usual annoying robot he always was. Even more time would have passed by peacefully if it hadn't been for that fateful day, or rather, that fateful conversation.
"Amy," Leela started, leaning over the dinner table as Bender attempted to watch TV. "I'm curious. Fry keeps asking me out, and I'm running out of excuses. What do you think his best feature is? You did date him for awhile, after all."
"Well spluh!" Amy's voice really got on Bender's nerve-circuits, and he turned up the TV. Elzar wasn't even on! It was just Rachel Ray's head, and she couldn't even cook! Oh, not to mention the fact that she was a woman. "Fry's such a sweetie. And he really cares about you, Leela! But he's not as kind, and sweet, and loveable as my Kiffy-poo!"
If Bender had been capable of it, he would have cringed. Normally he would have told them to shut up and then left the room, but there were no other working TVs, and he didn't want to go help the Professor haul boxes up to his laboratory, like the others were doing. How had he gotten out of it anyway? Maybe they forgot about him. Either way, he'd rather be here than doing work.
Leela considered Amy's words in silence, which Bender was grateful for. "You really think so? Do you think I should—hypothetically—give him a chance?"
Amy opened her mouth to respond, but before she could get a word out, Bender found himself on his feet, ignoring the TV for once in his short existence. Four years was a very small amount of time in human years, but shortly, he'd be obsolete. "No way, Jose. There is no way my good buddy meatsack—err, Fry—is going to date a one-eyed freakazoid like you!"
Leela's solitary eye brimmed with tears and she ran out, Amy close on her heels. She did pause to give Bender a dirty look though. Left alone, the robot stopped to evaluate the situation. He didn't like the conclusion he kept reaching.
Bender was jealous. And not of Fry, for hypothetically getting a girl (finally).
"Oh… my… God. No!" Bender shouted, clawing at his head in horror. "It can't be! I've…! I've been turned into… into… a gaybot!!"
"Keep it down in there, you bucket of bolts! I'm trying to nap!"
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"Okay, okay, keep it together, Bender…" The robot was rocking back and forth in his apartment, arms wrapped tightly around his metal frame. If he had teeth, they'd be chattering. Bender was never so nervous, or scared of his own supposedly non-existent emotions. He wasn't supposed to feel anything! Oh why, why was he so different from other bending units!? And how? How could a chip have possibly…?
No. No, he wasn't gay. He couldn't be. After all, robots weren't programmed to be gay. Why would anyone want a gaybot in the first place? So he was just mistaken. He was just feeling a little weird that his two friends would date. He'd be like a third wheel. And the only things with three wheels were completely useless. Like a tricycle! Only children used those! Children meatbags, even worse!
"It's okay, I'm not…" Bender lost balance and slammed into the wall, causing a lovely dent in the metal and hearing a shout from the apartment next door. "Sorry!" He called through the wall and added in an undertone, "Sucker." At least he still felt the same. Nervous, but otherwise very much the same. The chip hadn't done anything. It was a lie. Lies, all lies, all of them…
"Hey, Bender, can you keep it down?" Fry asked, poking his head through the doors and earning himself a squeaky yelp from his roommate. "I'm trying to sleep. Unlike robots, us meatbags need our sleep, you know."
"Uh huh, yup, I know, uh huh." Bender bobbed up and down in a full-body nod, nervously. He couldn't even talk to Fry normally anymore! But it was all in his head, if only he could focus on something else, then surely all this would pass…
Fry frowned. "You seem a bit wound up, buddy. Have you been not drinking?"
Oh! That had to be it! Bender pulled out a beer and popped the cap off. "No, I mean yes, I mean—" He cut himself off to swig the bottle instead. He wouldn't say anything, that would work better.
"Goodnight, Bender."
"Night, meatbag." At least that sounded normal.
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As strange as he felt, no one seemed to notice any difference. This fueled his belief that they didn't pay any attention to him. But at least he wasn't Zoidberg! That was a fate worse than death, in his opinion. And death for a robot was just shutting off. If he didn't have so much to live for, he'd consider getting rebooted to remove this virus chip from his head. Yes, that's what it was. It was a virus that was messing with his head!
But if he asked the Professor to remove it, then he'd have to explain why. And explaining that he thought he was having homosexual thoughts (not to mention robo-human-sexual thoughts) was even worse than being Zoidberg. It would be humiliating, and Bender didn't do humiliating.
"Well guys, we're off." Leela shoved a package in Bender's arms and motioned for the others to follow her into the ship. "We're going to drop this package off in Las Vegas. So it won't take very long."
"Oh, that's in California, right?" Fry asked, showing once again his amazing grasp of geography.
Professor Farnsworth adjusted his glasses. "Well, it was in Nevada until the year 2032, when California waged a war against Nevada, and then took it over. That region of the United States is now called Calivada."
"Oh." Fry apparently hadn't been paying any semblance of attention, for he quickly hurried off to the ship. "Last one there's a rotten shellfish!"
"I take offense at that!" Zoidberg called after him, but as usual, no one paid him any mind.
Bender followed Leela onto the ship, surprised that he found himself almost wanting to apologize. The virus-chip must have been playing havoc with his emotions too! But he wasn't supposed to have any. Time and time again he'd shown that he did have something similar to emotions, but he certainly wasn't going to admit that he did have them.
"You're awfully quiet today, Bender." Leela seemed to forget the incident, starting up the controls of the ship and strapping in. "This mission shouldn't be very dangerous, but still, don't do anything stupid, either of you two! We're going to meet with the mayor—"
"Can he get us free passes to a casino?" Fry interrupted. Bender laughed, but it was only half-hearted.
Sighing, Leela took off without any response. It would be pointless to tell Fry that getting into the casino was free, you just spent your money on stupid games that were always rigged. She certainly wasn't going to gamble. Even if they were in the luckiest city on the face of Earth…
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The mission went off without a hitch, for once. The mayor thanked them and they were free to go. But that didn't mean they were going to. "Please, Leela? Oh please, oh please, oh please?" Fry begged, now on hands and knees outside the ship.
"Get up, you're embarrassing us," Leela muttered, trying to get Fry to follow her onto the ship.
"No, not until you agree to go on a date with me—to the casino! And maybe one of those magic shows. I hear they have those cool magical guys' heads in jars! You know, the ones with the tiger?"
Bender had gone silent again, steaming. Fry was always so desperate to go out with Leela, but had he ever thought how his best robot friend and roommate would feel about this? Huh? Had he!? No, he was being irrational again!
"It can't hurt," Leela finally sighed. She didn't notice the glare Bender sent in her direction. "Oh fine. Let's go to a casino. But just one! And only for a few hours!"
"Alright!" Fry cheered, jumping upright and taking her hand. Then, as an after-thought, he turned to Bender and held out a twenty dollar bill. "Leela and I want to be alone. You can have fun by yourself, right?"
"Sure, of course I can! I'm not jealous at all of you two, nope, no siree." Bender snatched the twenty and stormed off. Unfortunately it didn't have the expected effect, for Leela and Fry just shrugged, then took off toward one of the casinos.
"Stupid woman! Stupid meatbags! Stupid mutants! They can all bite my shiny metal ass! And go to hell!" Bender grumbled, wandering around aimlessly. Even the pretty hookerbots of Vegas couldn't capture his attention. Not even the male hookerbots. No, he was focused solely on Fry, and Leela, and their budding relationship. Maybe… maybe there was a way for him to stop it! But how? How indeed…
Bender found himself wandering through an old, rundown carnival area, that looked oddly similar to the one on the New, New York-Jersey border. He entered a tent that looked strangely similar to the one housing Robot Hell, and found himself once again in that raging inferno hot enough to melt lesser metals. "Oh crap."
"Bender, my good friend!" The Robot Devil appeared from nowhere, causing another girly yelp from the silver robot. "I didn't think I'd find you here in Vegas Robot Hell. We're like the Jersey edition, only without the Jersey-ness." Apparently he didn't realize he wasn't making any sense. "Anyway, what brings you to hell this time? Have you stolen from Boy Scouts again? Or is this another deal? I'm not giving you or your silly friend my hands this time."
He sure did like to hear himself talk, Bender thought. "Nah, uh, I actually just stumbled in here on accident. I'll be going now—"
"Nonsense!" He interrupted, then waved his hands for his minions to start up some music. "I won't take no for an answer! Surely you came to hell for a reason. After all, one doesn't just leave hell without something in return."
Oh no, what does that mean? Bender was dragged along by the Robot Devil, not putting up much of a fight.
The two finally stopped in front of what appeared to be a large store. The window was decorated in robot bumper stickers and decals, and inside were stuffed animal Robot Devils, as well as golden fiddles. And that was just the tip of the iceberg. "Welcome, to Hell's gift shop! Only available here in Vegas, unfortunately." He dragged Bender inside, waving in greeting to the bored-looking robot behind the register. "Now, now, what will you have?"
"No offense or anything—which really means don't confine me to hell—but I'm not really interested in buying anything." Bender finally pulled out of the Robot Devil's grasp and started edging his way toward the door. "Now if you don't mind…"
Eyes narrowed, the Robot Devil's arms shot out to pull Bender back. "So." He stated. Bender didn't like his tone. "You don't want to buy anything from the gift shop. You don't want to make a deal with me. And you're not here because of anything you've done."
"Nope," Bender added in helpfully.
"Very well then!" The Robot Devil exclaimed, letting go of Bender's arms to clap his hands together. The little hellion robots appeared beside him in a flash of red and gray smoke. "You may leave hell. On one condition."
"Of course."
"You must tell me your innermost thoughts, feelings, and desires!" The Devil laughed, a cackling, nails-on-chalkboard sort of sound that would have had Bender wincing had he been capable of it. "Welcome back to hell!"
Bender groaned. This wasn't going to be fun at all. His innermost thoughts and feelings, and desires? "What are you, gay?"
"No, I'm actually bisexual—which is the worst kind of sexual! Aside asexual." The Robot Devil laughed again, his minions laughing along with him this time. "Shut up, all of you!" They fell silent. "Now then, to the confession chamber!"
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Bender had expected something more elaborate. This was actually a really simple confession chamber. But he was tied upside-down to a wall and ratbots were scurrying around underneath him. "Well, this isn't all that comfy."
"It's not supposed to be." The Robot Devil was seated on a chair, filing his nails. "Now then, let the confession begin! It's just the two of us, so talk about whatever you want. So long as it's true. I'm built with a lie-detector, you know!"
"Joy," Bender grumbled and attempted to move. No luck. "Well, after the last time I saw you, I got this chip installed in me and I think it's giving me a virus."
The Robot Devil suddenly perked up. "A virus, you say?" He jumped up and stalked over to Bender cat-like. "Tell me more. Virus is my middle name!"
"You don't even have a name!"
"Oh yes I do!" He seemed offended, and folded his arms. "I have many names. Robot Devil, RoboSatan, and Beelzebot are the main three. But anyway! Tell me more about this virus. Is it causing your circuits to run haywire?"
"No…" Bender again struggled. These metal clasps were tighter and harder to break free from than the ship's wire! "It's messing with my mind. I think. Unless this is all some sort of parallel reality in which I'm just dreaming that all this is—"
"Whoa, whoa, slow down. Enough with the smart-talk." The Robot Devil held up his hands to keep Bender quiet. "I love viruses, and would love to study yours more thoroughly. But in order to do so, you'll have to stay here for a bit. However! If I can examine the virus, I'll also remove it, and put you back to normal! And then you'll commit some stupid crime and end up back here, and all's well that ends well!"
"Hmm," Bender thought about it. He wouldn't see Leela and Fry again for awhile, but he also wouldn't have to deal with these crazy emotions. He was a robot, he wasn't supposed to have emotions! How many times did he have to tell himself that anyway? "You promise you'll remove it?"
"Devil's honor."
"What honor?" Bender snorted, but didn't receive any other response. This was the only way out, wasn't it? "Will you let me go as soon as you're done? No holding me up because of past mistakes?"
The Robot Devil was silent, staring at Bender for a moment. The only movement was his tail, which could never seem to keep still. "You really do need help. Are you saying you'd repent? Quick, we must examine and extract the virus!"
"Oh thank God! I mean Satan!" Bender quickly corrected himself on seeing the Robot Devil's glare. Perhaps there was hope for him! He wouldn't have to suffer with this virus! Trusting the Devil though, should he do it?
Hell, he'd done it before, why not now?
