This story is for my autistic brother.

Across The Universe-Smiles

Chapter One –The Beginning of The End

"Max?" I hear her voice ask, very small and quiet.

"Yeah?"

"I want to hear you say it." She whispers.

I breathe in a deep breath of her scent… Almost like water. "Cynthia. I love you."

She closes her eyes and smiles. "I love you too Max."

I kiss her neck and she puts her fingers through my hair.

"Max?" I pull away.

"Yeah?"

She sighs. "Don't fuck me over. Okay?"

I look at the wall, and then back at her. "I wouldn't imagine it."

She smiles again. "I know." And she lets me kiss her again.

I sit on my chair and watch the TV. I'm holding Ben in my arms, rocking him back and forth. "Hey little guy." I whisper, his eyes opening a bit. "How is my little boy? Huh?"

Cynthia rushes in. "He's a kid, not a dog, Maxwell."

"He's a baby." I say back. "I'm going to talk to him like a baby." I go back to talking to him when she speaks again.

"He's not a baby. Just because he can't talk dosent mean he's a baby. He's a year old. Get over yourself."

I look at her, feeling a bit of anger rise up in my throat, and then return to my little boy sitting on my lap. "Don't you listen to her, she's just worried about her job."

"It's just fucking dandy, isn't it??" Cynthia yells, storming in and out of the rooms. "I fucking lost my job." She pulls on her boots. "Now we have no money at all."

Ben sits up and stumbles off the couch. He walks over to Cynthia and raises his arms.

"Go away Ben." She snaps, pulling on her coat. I run over to her.

"If you lost your job, why are you leaving?" I ask, my voice kind of shaking. I look over at the hallway and see a suitcase, all done up neat. "Oh my god." I say, running over into our room. Her stuff is gone. All packed into that little suitcase. "Cynthia?"

I hear Ben crying. I run out back into the hall and the door slams. I run through the hallway. "Cynthia!!"

I lean against the door frame and fall down.

She's gone.

--3 YEARS LATER—

"Morning Ben." I shake his arm. "Morning. Get up." He looks at me and then stands up on my bed. He jumps up and down. I smile and then I stand up, jumping up and down with him. Soon enough he raises his arms, wanting me to pick him up, so I bend down and scoop him up in my arms, jumping up and down and twirling him in circles.

We're both laughing, and then I get tired from twirling him around and I set him down on the bed. I'm breathing heavy. "You're just full of energy, aren't you?" I ask, watching him jump around on the bed some more.

I sigh and then get out of bed, changing my pants and pulling on a shirt. "Time to get dressed, bud." I say, pulling a shirt over his head.

He looks at me annoyed, the hair on his head dropping in front of his eyes. I laugh and push it back for him.

"Time for school. Mary is going to be picking you up in…" I look at the clock on the wall. "15 minutes. We need to get some food in your little tummy!" I tickle his stomach and his laughter fills the room. I smile. He makes me so happy.

I pick him up and he wraps his tiny arms around my neck.

"What do you want… Rice Crispies, or a doughnut?"

He makes some kind of weird sound from the back of his throat and I laugh. "Okay." I say, laughing a bit. I'll give you rice crispies. Because we don't have anymore doughnuts."

I sit him down in his highchair and give him his cereal. I hand him his spoon and he starts eating it, and spilling it all over his stomach.

"Hey now." I say, scooping the food off of him. "Get the food in your stomach, not on it." I laugh a bit and the buzzer rings.

I walk over and press the receive button. "Hello?"

"Hi, Mr. Carrigan? It's Mary."

"Oh, Mary, come in. We're just having breakfast." I open the door and I hear her walking up the stairs.

I walk over to Ben and see his food all over the floor.

"Ben!" I say suddenly, and I see him biting his lip, like he always does before he cries. "Oh, shit, sorry…" He begins crying.

Mary pushes open the door.

"Ben, don't cry." I start cleaning up the ceral on the floor. "I… I'm sorry Ben."

Mary walks in. "Oh, is everything okay?"

I push the mop across the floor and lean it against the door. "It's fine… He just… spilt his food on the floor."

"Is he finished?" She asks, reaching to take the little table off the chair.

"Uh, yeah. I guess." I say back. "He just hasn't had any food, that's all."

"Oh, okay." Mary takes the table off and scoops Ben up in her arms. "We can pick something up on the way there, if you would like." She suggests, setting him down and putting on his boots.

"Oh, okay." I say back, grabbing Ben's coat and handing it to her.

"So you aren't coming today, Mr. Carrigan?"

"Please, call me Max. And I can't… I have work today. You know, got to keep him fed." I smile.

She smiles back. "I understand." She says.

I keep smiling, and then I stop. "Oh, uh, here." I hand her a ten dollar bill. "This will pay for his breakfast."

She shakes her head. "Oh, no, I cant take that." She hands it back.

"Please, you aren't paying for his breakfast."

She shakes her head. "No, just take it back." She hands it back.

"I'm going to feel like an asshole all day if I didn't pay for my sons breakfast. Come on. Take it."

She hesitates, and then smiles. She stuffs it in her pocket. "We'll be back at 2:00." She says, opening the door. "Come on, Ben."

Ben, walks up to me. I pick him up.

"Kiss?" I say. He kisses my cheek. "Good boy. You have fun with Mary, alright?" I put him on the ground and he follows Mary.

"Bye Mister Carrigan!" Mary says, shutting the door.

"It's Max!" I call back, but she is already gone.

--SMILES--

I pull on my boots and put on my coat. I walk outside and walk as fast as I can to the warehouse on the edge of town.

I rush inside, and I am greeted by all my work friends.

"Hey Max."

"Max, whatsup?"

I nod and smile and walk over to the huge street cleaner.

I sigh shortly and hop inside.

"Cleaning the streets, Max?" One of my friends jokes.

"Yeah yeah, shut your face before I smash it in."

They all laugh a bit and I drive it out, turning on the dusters and cleaning the cluttered streets of New York city.

I sit at the wheel and look around. I see couples walking by everywhere. And where there aren't couples, there are familys, each kid smiling, and talking, and having a great time.

"I'm never going to have that." I whisper to myself, and start up the engine again.

--Smiles--

I push the door open and I hang up my coat. "Mary?" I yell through my apartment.

"Oh, hi!" Mary rushes up to me. "Work done already?"

I nod. "Yup."

"Ben is in the living room."

"How did you pass the time away today?" I ask, pulling my shoes off.

Mary smiles a bit. "We were drawing."

"Drawing?" I repeat, looking in through the other room. "What was Ben drawing?"

"Well…" Mary said, "I'm pretty sure this is a rainbow."

We both look at an assortment of colours scribbled all over a white paper.

"See… the red there…" Mary tries, but we both know its nothing.

I walk into the living room and pick Ben up. "Smiles, Smiles!!" I yell, us both laughing when I spin him around the room.

I set him down and we both collapse on the couch.

"You're a great dad, did you know that?" Mary says quietly. I look over.

"You think?" I ask, kind of flattered.

She nods. "Ben loves you a lot."

I look at the floor. "He dosent tell me that."

Mary walks over and sits beside me. "Look." She whispers. "Max."

I look up.

"I know how hard it is to raise a child diagnosed with Austism. I know. Especially on your own."

I look away again, and she places her hand on my chin and turns my head towards her.

"But you're doing a great job. And he will talk."

Her brown hair curls infront of her eyes, and she pushes them back.

"Okay?"

I feel defeated. I manage to sqeak out words. "Okay."

She stands up. "I'll be back tomorrow again. Bye Max. Bye Ben!" She waves and smiles, and then walks out the door.

Ben continues colouring, and then stops. He picks up his pencil crayons and walks over to the wall.

"Don't write on the wall, Ben." I call out, trying to see what he is trying to do.

I don't really mind about the walls, actually. It would remind me of him before I go to sleep.

I wouldn't call it sleeping, actually. It's more like passing out.

"Smiles." I call, just smiling at his nickname. "Come here, Ben."

It dosen't seem like he can hear me, so I lie down on the couch. I try and close my eyes, but I cant keep them like that.

"Hey bud, come here." He turns around. He scribbles on the wall again. "Ben, don't."

Once he realizes that he is doing something wrong, he screams loudly and throws the pencil crayons in the air.

"Oh, Ben." I whisper, walking up to him and scooping him up in my arms. "It's alright, I'm sorry. I'm sorry Ben. I love you so much, you know that? I love you so, so, much." He stops crying and wraps his arms around my neck. I feel his tears drop on my shoulder.

He had no idea what he was doing to me, did he?

I squeezed him tight and cried a bit into his shoulder. "Ben." I whisper. "I love you so much."

He takes his tiny little hands and grabs onto my hair.

"Don't ever let go." I whisper, and I set him down.

We stand there looking at eachothers red faces.

"Hey Ben," I say, and he looks up. I see Cynthia's eyes. It chips at my heart. "Bathtime."

Ben is sitting in the bath with bubbles up to his nose. I have to watch him all the time, just in case he slips and drops underwater.

He sits up and grabs his boat. Instead of swimming it across the water, he crashes it under the water and brings it back up with him. He continues doing this until I am pretty much soaked.

"Hey, you want to play with the boat or drown me?"

He laughs.

I'm reading the paper, looking for a mention about Jude's paintings.

I roll my eyes and set the paper down. I stand up. "Move over." I say, nodding my head to the side.

Ben grins a bit, and then shifts over.

I hop in the bath, fully clothed. The bath is so full now, the water spills over the top.

Ben looks over the side and sees bubbles and water everywhere. His boat is on the ground. He points to it.

"Ben, couldn't you have holded on to your boat? You know I'm fat enough to make a tsunami." We both laugh as I reach over and grab his boat. I show him how to move it across the water, and then hand him the boat. He glides it along the bubbles for a second, and then goes back to splashing it.

I laugh and then duck my head under the water. I come up and shake my head, water flying everywhere. "Yeah!" I yell, smiling and looking over at Ben.

I wish he would talk to me.

He looks at me strangely and then grabs a little action figure on the side of the tub.

I sigh. "Ben…" I whisper, pushing his hair out of his eyes. "Can you even hear me?" He dosent look up. I sigh again.

"Oh my god, I'm sorry." I hear a voice say. I look over at the door, and Mary is standing there. "I didn't know you were…" Her eyes are covered.

"It's okay." I said. "Don't you give Ben baths?"

She is still looking the other day when I get out of the tub.

"Well, yeah, but you are a different person then Ben, and I would rather see you… clothed, if that makes sense."

I laugh. "Mary, turn around." I spread my arms out to show that I was wearing my clothes the whole time.

She looks at me, and then she smiles. "Oh, sorry!" She grins. "I thought…"

I smile. "Ben's just having his bath."

I look behind me and notice the water is half as high as it was. I walk over and start running the warm water.

"Oh, I know. I just thought that maybe we could plan something out, you know?"

I raise my eyebrow. "Plan something out?"

"For Ben." She says quickly. "Speech therapy is helping, but we want him to interact with other kids. So I thought maybe he could join some of these." She hands me a panflet.

'A DAY IN THE CIRCUS, A CURRICULAR ACTIVITY FOR MENTALLY CHALLENGED CHILDREN.'

"Mentally challenged?" I read, my voice breaking.

"Oh, shit, sorry." She whispers.

I walk over to the toilet seat and sit down. I put my head in my hand. "He's mentally challenged?"

"Max, I didn't think that this would be…"

Tears are running down my arms. "Just leave!" I say finally.

"Max, this could really help."

"He dosent need help!" I yell. "Just get out!!"

I'm so mad I don't even realize she called me Max.

"M—"

"Get out!!" I yell, and Ben starts crying with me.