CHAPTER 1: A VERY BONER SORTING
[HARRY and RON are sitting on the Hogwarts Express eating a diabetes-inducing amount of sweets. Kyle (KSG) walks into their compartment holding what appears to be an adult magazine.]
KSG: [Standing in the doorway] You two magicians mind if I sit here?
HARRY: Er…no, go ahead.
[KSG sits next to Harry. He eyes RON in disgust, then opens his magazine, holding it upside down. HARRY immediately turns his attention to the magazine.]
RON: Is that a Quibbler?
KSG: Are you retarded? [KSG then rotates the magazine. It clearly says PENTHOUSE]
RON: What's it about?
KSG: This fuckin' guy.
[HARRY has yet to peel his eyes from the magazine. KSG hands it over to him]
RON: So are you a professor?
KSG: Jesus Christ kid, what's with all the questions?
[As KSG finishes his statement, a rat pops out from RON's shirt pocket. KSG shakes his head in disgust.]
RON: Sorry, this is Scabbers, my pet rat.
[RON cups the rat in his hands. As he does this, prepubescent HERMIONE pops into the doorway. She eyes RON with disgust and is appalled by HARRY's porn addiction.]
HERMY: [Looking at KSG] Have you seen a toad around?
KSG: Nope. Have you seen a boner around here?
HERMY: What?
KSG: I said no.
HERMY: Okay, well, you three should get changed in your robes. We'll be arriving at the castle soon.
[HERMIONE leaves the group, no doubt fantasizing about K-MAC. HARRY half-heartedly puts the magazine down and throws robes over his clothes, as does RON. KSG sits there.]
HARRY: Shouldn't you be getting changed?
KSG: I used my robe money to buy that lovely piece of literature.
HARRY: Fair 'nuff.
[For the remainder of the train ride, HARRY is constantly fidgeting, no doubt due to his uncomfortable state of arousal, RON plays with his rat, and KSG makes penis jokes. The train came to a halt, and the trio departed. HAGRID called out.]
HAGRID: FIRS' YEARS THIS WAY!
[A group of students went towards the giant. As KSG passed HAGRID, they fist bumped and flashed fancy gang signs. KSG boarded the last boat with space. As he did, NEVILLE approached the boat. KSG quickly blocked him out.]
NEVILLE: Hey you guys! You gotta let me in!
KSG: First you gotta do the Truffle Shuffle.
NEVILLE: Come on!
KSG: Do it.
NEVILLE: Come onn!
KSG: DO IT!
[NEVILLE proceeds to humiliate himself. KSG lets him on the boat. The magical boats went across the magical lake to the magical castle. It was very magical. They landed inside a cave, because a castle built over a cave and part of a lake is perfectly stable. The group was led through a door into a large room. Two metric shittons of people sat at tables, all of them in black robes. An elderly held a scroll in her hands. She began calling names. Kids went to a stool and put some singing hat on their heads. When the hat called out a house, the house cheered. It took her forever to get to G]
McG: Gorman, Kyle.
KSG: Damn straight.
[KSG proceeded to the hat. Once it was on his head, it began to speak aloud.]
SH: It seems your mind is filled of many things. Hm…interesting. Your bad exercising habits would put you in Hufflepuff, but your witty penis jokes would fit in with raven-
KSG: Fits in with your mom too.
[SH stays silent for what seemed like 10 minutes, but was in fact only 8]
SH: You're a dick. Slytherin would love you.
KSG: Just put me in the house with the hot bitches.
SH: GRYFFINDOR!
[As KSG strutted to the Gryffindor table, the other three houses erupted into cheers. The Gryffindors moaned, and a few broke into tears.]
KSG: Screw you all too.
[The sorting eventually finished. DUMBLEDORE stood in front of everyone.]
DUMBLEDORE: I would like to welcome everyone to…
[When DUMBLEDORE spoke, everyone looked and listened in admiration. When people look at someone else in admiration, KSG pilfers their pockets. The speech eventually came to an end. When it did, food appeared on the tables. RON sat across from KSG, who was sitting next to RANDOM HOT GIRL. He turned to her as he picked up a roll]
KSG: Mind if I explore your forbidden corridor?
RHG: Eww, you're si-
KSG: How about your Forbidden Forest?
RHG: You're disgus-
KSG: Wanna whomp my willow?
[At this point the RHG was so disgusted by RON's existence that she moved away. KSG flung a roll at RON, hitting him in the head. RON, already having accepted his role as submissive bitch, continued to eat his vegetables. After eating their fill, the students went to their Common Rooms. KSG went to his bed and looked in his trunk. His dad's reading materials were still there. Content with his day, KSG ripped apart the bed RON was supposed to use, then went to sleep]
