Quote from The Final Problem:

"He... drew out a memorandum-book in which he had scribbled some dates. 'You crossed my path on the 4th of January,' said he. 'On the 23rd you incommoded me; by the middle of February I was seriously inconvenienced by you; at the end of March I was absolutely hampered in my plans; and now, at the close of April, I find myself placed in such a position through your continual persecution that I am in positive danger of losing my liberty.'"

Here follows what I imagine might have been in that memorandum-book had Moriarty had a sense of humour.


4th January 1891

Have decided to make a few notes in this smart new memorandum-book of mine concerning an incident to-day that left me mildly anxious. Spotted a gentleman outside my rooms wearing the most enormous coat and with a ridiculous hat – do they call them doestalkers? Anyway, he was watching the window of the room I was in and in the end I had to close the curtain and make a cup of tea to steady my nerves. Not sure why he worried me but I suspect that bizarre dress sense had more than a little to do with it.

23rd January 1891

Was incommoded to-day by the gentleman I saw on the 4th. I suspect that he isn't a gentleman after all. If my reasoning if correct he might be the Sherlock Holmes who has been brought to my attention mainly from the mildly popular memoirs of some boring person called something like James. No – that's me. I mean Jonathan or something. Anyway, no gentleman disguises as a tramp in an attempt to get information by some dishonest route. Nearly tripped over him on the pavement outside my rooms – recognised him by that infuriating hat. What on this Earth are they called? Harestalkers? How the wearing of such a conspicuous object is supposed to aid in his going incognito is beyond me.

15th February 1891

I do like the word incognito.

Have found myself seriously inconvenienced by that wretch Sherlock Holmes. He is absolutely in the way of all my plans and trying to topple me by dismantling my beautiful network. And I spent so long setting it up! Does he not appreciate the value of hard work?

Luckily I am connected to everyone in the web by a well-spun thread. And I'm here in the middle, stuck to all of them, waiting for a big fat fly to land in it so I can wrap it up in silk and suck all the life juices out of it and – wait, I'm not actually a spider. I'm getting carried away.

A few moments later Have just checked how many legs I have. Definitely two. It's all fine.

A few more moments later Fawnstalkers?

29th March 1891

Darn Sherlock Holmes! By his confusticating endeavours I have ended up absolutely hampered in my plans for world domination. Or at least domination of the world's tea exports. I need a LOT of tea after recent events.

It doesn't help that, and this may be just my imagination, ever since I assured myself that I was not an arachnid, a rather large and infuriatingly gleeful fly has been buzzing around my residence. Have constructed a device to catch it and drown it in my tea. Rather a complicated way to do it, I admit, but immensely satisfying.

30th March 1891

Tea with fly is disgusting. Never doing that again.

28th April 1891

I find myself placed in such a position through the continual persecution of that Sherlock Holmes that I am in positive danger of losing my liberty. Have an appointment with aforementioned Holmes to-morrow in his rooms. He doesn't know this yet.

I shall have to ask him about that hat of his. Is it a foxstalker?

29th April 1891

It's a deerstalker.