Author's Notes: A series of moments of Kenny's and Levi's years together, which Kenny knows will cease sooner rather than later, divided in 3 chapters. The theme I intended to go for is loss of opportunity, time wasted that could have been used differently.
Another one part of my 'dysfuncional family' apparent series. My fic 'Choice' can be read as a sort of prequel to this. This one wasn't planned, certainly didn't expect to spend another week around it, but I couldn't take this out of my head and I was freaking out. Then I freaked out because of the time it took me.
Written to 'Evanescence' album + 'Fists Fall' by OTEP + Eths albums for a final kick.
Warnings: Dysfuncional family, language, violence, underage drinking, Kenny almost admiting he has a heart and being an irresponsible ass instead.
Disclaimer: I don't own Shingeki no Kyojin / Attack on Titan, obviously.
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"What the hell have I gotten myself into."
4 years old
"What the hell have I gotten myself into."
That had been one of the first things he thought as he stepped into Kuchel's room two weeks ago. Those same words had been blurped out at least ten times per day since the moment he decided to act selflessly and against all logic. Kenny couldn't really call it a lapse of judgement, not when, again, those words came out of his mouth.
"What in the fuckin- BRAT! For fuck's sake, what are ya-"
"You know I have a name, don't you."
The result of his not-so-lapse-of-judgment was sitting on the brim of the rooftop of a nearby house. Kenny looked around, searching for whatever means an underfed kid might have found to climb a house and sit on the edge like it was the most natural thing to do. To his credit (whatever credit that might be), his skinny legs weren't dangling over the edge, otherwise Kenny might jump and just pull him back down, he was curled in the same childlike knee-hug as the day they met.
"What the fuck are you doin' up there?!"
Damn stubborn useless kid didn't reply. In a purposefully contrast to Kenny's usual talkative and complaining persona, Levi barely spoke. Kenny could literally keep track of the instances he had talked in these past two weeks. He looked down at Kenny, the dark circles under his eyes making them pop amongst all the shadows of his hair and skull.
Kenny snorted loudly, not caring about the people that shot glances at both of them. "How d'ya plan on getting down now, huh?"
Levi looked down, peeking carefully as if he didn't know how high above ground his small ass was.
"Ah, how about that." Kenny grinned victoriously and readjusted his hat. "You know what, I'll just go drink and find some nice company. Ya decide whatever the hell ya want to, whaddya say? Sounds fair to me."
"Kenny."
He turned on his heels and started to move away. Levi had some stubborness in him, and if he got injured or something, Kenny'd patch the little bastard if he was in a good mood. Anyway-
"Wait!"
Kenny snorted, stopped and turned, seeing those bright eyes of the kid opened wider than usual, just a bit too afraid. His face didn't express anything, just his eyes. Kenny sighed loudly, but he realized he wasn't as pissed off as he thought he'd be.
Levi said something that no one but him could hear. Babbling was a lot more annoying.
"Uh?! Speak up won't ya."
"Will you catch me?" Levi asked under his breath.
Well, he just might not- ugh whatever.
"Well what d'ya want me to do, let you get yourself sprawl flat on the floor? If I wanted you dead I'd have slit your throat before and be done with it, don'tcha think?"
Levi blinked, carefully uncurled himself and stood up, the height difference not all that noticeable. He stood still until Kenny moved closer.
He considered what would happen if he didn't catch the kid. The result was obvious, so he lifted his hands and grabbed Levi by the armpits as he fell and made him land safely on the ground. Levi lowered his own arms and looked at him with those big eyes, silent again.
Kenny snorted despite himself. "If you do that again, I won't catch ya, ya hear? Don't get confident in my good nature, huh? You get down alone next time."
Levi opened his mouth to say something, but closed it again and acted as if nothing had happened.
...
Why wouldn't I just do this the easy way for me? I'm such a stupid waste.
6 years old
The little starving brat he had considered killing when he first laid eyes on him, giving him some form of decent death over rotting away like his mother did, was now here, running and fighting for everyone to see. Against Kenny's own wishes, he had found himself writing to Uri several times in past two years. He had paid The King some visits. Two so far. Kenny had made it clear to himself - not Uri - that he wouldn't let the damn kid stall him in his work, yet he just knew leaving Levi alone wouldn't really be for the best.
Well, he'd lose nearly two years worth of training if the kid just ended up dead like a moron, right?
Levi wouldn't go down easy, and it wasn't all due to Kenny's training. He had his own strength, but of course, he was a kid. He had much grooming to go through, literally growing up as much as he could, and need for protection. No matter how tenacious he was, there was simply no way he could take out a grown man alone, armed with just a knife. Even Kenny could admit that, and didn't really mind knowing he was committing to watch over the kid. He was already doing that for a while, right?
For maybe one year longer. He'd let Levi go out alone, see how he managed in the the streets of the Underground.
Under some supervision. Maybe.
The pub was loud, some men playing cards that more like seemed a drinking game instead, the cards discarded for long periods of time; several others engaging in a loud competition of their own. All the noise didn't bother him of course, nor did it stop Kenny from revising his thoughts. He growled at himself, sent his hand rubbing his neck to releave some - what? stupidity? - and sat there looking down at the table.
Stupid thoughts. As if he'd ever consider all this before. Making plans? One year away plans? Watching over a kid? Worrying about a damn brat?
Was he getting old?
Well shit.
One of the men went up in a howl, cheering so loud and accompained by a woman's squeal it made Kenny look up. This particular pub wasn't all that special (beer was beer anyway, so he didn't mind it all that much) but Levi seemed to enjoy it, hence them being-
"Oh." Kenny glanced down at his side, around himself, under the table, and found no trace of the damn kid. He turned to a guy sitting behind him. "Hey, you've seen the tiny midget I brought with me?"
The man shrugged and Kenny snorted at him, dismissing him with a wave. He turned to the loud group of men from before, and finally caught a familiar glimpse of long hair on a tiny frame.
Little brat was showing off and the guys were cheering him as he effortlessly spinned the blade Kenny gave him on his hand. The owner of the pub, an older busty woman, had glided to the end of the counter to see him too, and her higher pitched cheer stood clear above the men. Levi was enjoying the attention. There was that foreign thing on his face that was supposed to be a smile, so rarely there it was always noticeable when it showed up.
"Why'd you hold it like that, though?" One of the men asked, seeming rather intrigued despite his drunken state.
"Helps me spin faster," and he followed to demonstrate, a trick Kenny couldn't have teached him.
"Attaboy, Levi," the bartender woman praised, and Levi widen his smile. The hole of his missing front tooth made the woman grin. "Ah you look hilarious."
"I swallowed the tooth when Kenny tried to help taking it out."
"Eeeh I heard my name!" Kenny joined them, standing tall enough to peek over the group. "Make way for the man!"
The woman grinned wider too. "Can't imagine how he helped you out."
"Told me to dodge. After throwing the punch against my head." Levi spinned the blade and tucked it safely on his waistpocket.
"That's how you train kids, right? Pain's the best teacher." Kenny tried to mess his hair, but Levi dodged swiftly beneath his hand. His face was back to his usual frown, but Kenny saw the glint of satisfaction and grinned back at him. "That's what I'm talking about. Ya're a fast learner."
"Yeah, keep going Levi, you get strong enough and you'll be just fine," the bartender agreed.
"That's what I always tell him! But think he listens to me? Nah, someone else's gotta say the exact same thing and then he listens."
"Ya got a nice fighter here!" The cheering man from before said. "I need to learn some o' those tricks."
"I might be persuaded with some nourishment, huh Martha?"
"I'm the one that'll be selling some good nourishment in no time, but not to you lot. How many of you like tea?"
At the echoed 'blergh' coming from the men, Martha growled. "You all know how expensive tea is?! You need a refined palate, that's what ya need." And Martha winked at Levi, signaling him to sit down on the stool. Levi smiled again. He liked the woman, she was all clutchy and that was the main reason why they went to the pub.
"Besides, you can't just drink beer and expect to get strong," she added, again to Levi. "You have a lot to grow and Kenny has a lot to teach you, don't you, you sly little bastard?"
"Ah, you read the hearts of men, don't you, Martha my darling? Listen to my heart's beautiful voice singing and get me actual drinking then."
...
"Kenny."
"Huh."
"Can you take me above one day?"
"Ah, you wish."
Levi stopped adjusting the cloth over his mouth, starting one of his daily cleaning rituals. Kenny was busy checking his knifes, picking the ones he felt more comfortable on his hand.
"You've got a wife up there?"
Kenny chocked in his spit at that and barked out a laughter.
"Where'd you get that idea, kid?!"
"A husband then?"
"I prefer big breasts over equipped groins."
"Who do you write to, then?"
Kenny raised his eyes to Levi, who had for once turned his face the other way and was climbing over a chair to dust off the only shelf of the room.
"Picking up some new tricks, are we?"
"Not from you, that's for sure."
"Since when do ya know how to read? Reading is good, it's pretty useful. Get better at it."
"I can't read. I just saw the letters." Even slightly muffled with the cloth, the words had a slight twang from the missing tooth. Kenny realized suddenly how much a baby voice he still had. That made him chuckle for no reason. "How's is it up there?"
"It's big."
Levi turned slightly too fast, betraying his attempt at self control. He tried to mask the curiosity that brightned his eyes, to no use.
"How does the sky look like? Is it really blue?"
"You've climbed the stairs before?"
"There's a place my mother found. You can't climb, but you can see a bit of light, and a bit of the sky."
Kenny shrugged. "Well, that's about it. You know it's blue. There's sky, the air feels really light, and then there's the walls. The world's big, kid, you're completely insignificant in it, living here. You really can't imagine it. But then you realize you're kinda reduced to a form of big cage too. But it's better than having no sky, that's for sure."
Levi climbed off the chair, taking off the cloth over his mouth. "No, tell me. I mean, is it really strong blue? And do the clouds look like cotton? You can't reach them, can you? Doesn't it get too bright, doesn't the sun hurt your eyes? How much sky can you see up there? Can you like, see an end to it? Do the walls block the sky? And at night? Do you like the stars, Kenny? I'm afraid to go to that place at night, I haven't seen the stars yet, they might not be shining and it'll just be dark."
This was a very clear reminder Levi wasn't a broken kid Kenny thought he was at the beginning. Maybe this was what Kuchel saw everyday, just a clever child, curious and eager for more than a shit life underground, like every child should hope for. It certainly was a first time for Kenny, to see him this excited over something. He guessed he couldn't really judge him, but seeing him-
Damn Kuchel.
For the first time, he didn't blame her choice to have a kid in this world. For the first time, he blamed her for dying, not fighting back, not asking for help. Now she didn't get to see how much Levi had grown, and would grow. She'd like to be around when Kenny left. Levi would probably like it, too.
Damn kid.
This wasn't for him. Levi's mother should be here to answer him, Kenny had other things to do than have the kid look eager and excited for answers and attention he couldn't give him.
"Will you take me there?" Levi asked again, eventually, after Kenny's silence was starting to leave him uncomfortable. He didn't even seem annoyed as usual.
"You'll get there, kid. No one's gonna take you anywhere, you have to make your own decisions and get strong enough. Then climb those stairs and go see the sky yourself."
...
7 years old
"Doesn't matter if you wanna do it or not. Ya have to. It's not about living, it's about surviving."
Levi probably wanted to say something, and not a sharp remark. If Kenny looked at him, he might identify the struggle, fighting against expressing his fear and hiding what to Kenny would be a weakness - but either way, Kenny knew. And it didn't matter. He'd grow out of it eventually.
"Ya know what MPs do to prisioners? When they want, they'll kill ya. Ya don't need trials if they decide ya don't. But then they don't just kill ya. That's what someone like me would do, right? Not them. They beat you up, they humiliate you, they starve you, they burn you, they torture you. You doubt me, Levi? I've seen them. You'll see them too, so then ya'll see how it all comes down to survival."
Kenny spinned the blade, removing layers of blood and splattering them over the corpse of the dark haired MP.
Levi, spotless clean, was standing some feet away. He avoided looking too much, which was something Kenny continuously scolded him over.
"Why don't you take those?"
Kenny followed Levi's waving hand towards the body. All he saw was the man's uniform, which obviously couldn't be what he meant, so the most obvious point was narrowed down to the 3DMG.
"Why'd I want that weird thing?"
"You can fly with it, can't you."
"Ya got any idea how hard that shit's to use?"
"Just because you can't doesn't mean I can't."
Kenny barked out. "I can send you flying if ya want. Ya wouldn't even fit in the damn dog straps, you forget you're a tiny midget? Hey, if ya want one, get one for yourself. Kill one of them yourself and take it."
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to be continued
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Author's Note: This fic was meant to be a full, single chapter, but it's 5:30AM and I've been writing since 5PM and I'm missing the finale. I figured I should stop for today and finish this tomorrow.
Thanks for reading, any form of feedback is highly appreciated, seriously.
