Chapter 1: Pallet Town- A drunken beginning!
…
…Hello there!
Welcome to the world of Pokemon!
My name is Professor Oak. I am often referred to as the-
"Blah blah blah. Go on, mate!"
…Excuse me?
"Skip the bloody song and dance! I know where this is! Y'know, everyone from here to 'Nova does! This world is populated by creatures called Pokemon, some use them to beat the crap outta other chaps, all that. Now, just git on with it! Don't have all Blardy day."
Ah. Alright.
Let's start with your name.
"…"
Your name?
"…Red. It's short for Redneck."
O…Okay. Moving on…
This is my grandson. He's been your rival since you were both babies.
"Babies, eh? Guess we fought in the womb a lot."
…Sure. His name is-
"BOGAN! BOGAN!"
…Blue…
What, did you honestly think that I, a Pokemon professor, would forget the name of my grandson?
"Aww… But Bogan was the perfect name for him… Darn you being so smart!"
Now, are you a boy or a girl?
"…Wot, mate?"
Are you a boy or a girl?
"…Bloody hell. You can already tell, can't you?"
…A girl?
"Oh, son of a- you dirty son of a Fennekin."
Wait, what are you-SWEET ARCEUS, DON'T DO THAT! PULL YOUR PANTS BACK UP, DIRTY BOY!
"Bloody hell. Well, guess this is where I leave. See you later, Oak!"
…Why did I choose to do the introductions in the first place…
This is Pallet Town. A town where many budding trainers begin their journey. Where legends begin. Where our story shall begin. Where our hero shall set off from. What makes a hero? Courage? Wisdom? Power? Will this hero have the power to change the world as we know it? Is he strong enough to defeat all the vile hostilities that lie in the land of Kanto? Maybe he'll even change Kanto itself, forcing himself into legend…
No.
That's dumb.
You're dumb.
…
I'm dumb!
THREE CHEERS FOR EQUALITY!
The sun shone down on the small red roofed house, where our hero currently slept. All was well in the world…
"BEEP BEEP! BEEP BEEP! WAKE YO LAZY ASS UP, MOFO! BEEP BEEP!"
Spoke too soon, methinks.
An alarm clock, followed by three shotgun blasts, sounded. Red sat up in bed, screaming, "DIE DEMON CHARMANDER! KILL IT WITH BLOODY FIRE! AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"
This is Red, an 18 year old redneck. His life/world may be completely screwed up, but dammit, let's leave that to the fan theorists to sort out! Red may be 18, but that's not gonna stop him from beginning a crazy, M-rated rampage through Kanto, is it? IS IT?
Anyway…
Red looked at the smoking remains of his alarm clock, before shrugging, "Eh, I'll buy a new one later. Not that I'll need one." Nursing his small hangover, he pulled on his pants, his shotgun strapped on the side of his yellow hiking pack. He grabbed his hat off the nightstand, grabbed the last few bottles of VB out of the fridge, still slightly hung over, "Ah… Well, I need sufficient alcoholic supplies to make this journey."
And so, the insanity began.
CUE THE TITLE THEME!
Trainer Ed productions present…
POKèMON REDNECK VERSION
THE PARODY!
The garage doors slowly opened, as two bright lights lit up the darkness. The loud rumbling of a powerful V8 engine filled Red's garage, as the smoke from the modified nitrous vents slowly seeped out from under the vehicle…
Red adjusted his shotgun's straps… AND HE DROVE OUT! WE ARE OFF, PEOPLE! PLACE YOUR BETS!
The modified red ATV carefully drove out of the garage, as Red donned his sunglasses. The wind blew through his hair, as he slammed the accelerator down.
He skidded down the small road, heading out of town. I mean, c'mon. He's not one to stick around. He's got a bloody mission!
"I'm running out of booze! Need to go get me some from that liquor store in Viridian City…" Red mumbled to himself, taking another swig of his moonshine out of the pouch he kept on his belt.
"Oh, yeah… I should also probably pick up my starter, but… Alcohol first, important life decisions later! I mean, come ON! Who's gonna stop me?"
Never have such falser words been spoken.
"STOP! WAIT! DON'T GO! YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR! PLUS, YOUR FOLKS WOULD SUE MY ASS OFF IF YOU LEFT TO DIE!"
A Random Old Guy Wearing A Lab Coat appeared!
Now, Red may have had several felonies once, but he didn't intend to add homicide via drunk driving to the already long list.
"HOLY SHIZBUCKETS!" Red screamed, skidding to a stop on his ATV, but not before accidentally running over a random Caterpie.
The old dude glared at Red, who chuckled nervously, "Heh…Oops."
"It's dangerous to go alone! Take- Wait." the Old Guy stared down at his script, "I got the wrong script again! BOB!"
Meanwhile…
"Wait! It's unsafe to go out in tall grass! Wild Pokemon live there!"
Link raised an eyebrow, "Uh…"
Back with the plot…
"Oh, here's my spare copy. Ahem…"
"It's unsafe! Wild Pokemon live in tall grass!" Oak explained, running his fingers over the front of Red's vehicle. In response, Red pumped his shotgun, "Hasn't stopped me before."
Professor Oak nodded, noting the ATV Red was riding on, "Yes. But maybe it's because you are running over everything in your way in that dirty great ATV? How about you walk through the grass, or use a Bike?" "Bikes R 4 Scrubs. Ya don't diss ma pimp ride, Y'hear! Y'DON'T DO IT! IT HURTS SASHA'S FEELINGS!" Red cried, windmilling his arms in the air for emphasis.
(A.N. The only female who would get within 1 metre of Red at this point in time was his twin sister, Leaf. But then again, she was a Nurse Joy, meaning they didn't meet often…He was lonely, OK?!)
Oak sighed, "I know! Let's head to my lab! There, I shall give you your first Pokemon! Follow me."
The boy in red raised his hand, "Hold up. One statement and two questions. Firstly, it isn't really my first Pokemon. I mean, there was that time when I was ten and I had a pet Goldeen, but I accidentally left it in the freezer because I was an idiot, and it died of hypothermia."
(A.N. True story. Except it was a goldfish. Geez, I sure was stupid.)
Oak blinked. At this point in time, he began reconsidering all of his life choices, "Uh, I see…" "Which brings me to my first question: Are we quite sure this Pokemon is suited for me?" Red asked, twiddling his fingers.
"Uh, well… The Squirtle has a Bold nature…"
"Boring."
"The Bulbasaur has a Lonely nature…"
"Uh huh…"
"And the Charmander…He has the extremely rare Drunken Maverick nature."
Red had a Joygasm! Red's Mental State rose sharply!
"DIBS!" he whooped, dunking his fist multiple times. "Alright!" Oak chuckled, folding his arms, "But we need to head to my lab first to pick him up. Follow me."
"Waaaaiiiiittt. I haven't asked my second question: Are you sure you are actually a professor?"
"Yes."
"Then you'd be smart, right?"
"Why do you ask?"
"Because your hand is smoking."
Oak looked down at his Hand! Hot Engine used Heat! It was Super Effective! Oak's Hand was Burned!
"YAGH! PUT IT OUT! PUTITOUT PUTITOUTPUTITOUTPUTITOUTPUTITOUTPUTITOUT!" the professor screamed, dancing around screaming like a wuss. Our hero calmly squirted Burn Heal on the hand, "For goodness sakes… Look, just give me my drunken companion so I can drink this all into oblivion."
"Alright." Oak whimpered, blowing out his smoking hand.
The duo entered the lab, Red's ATV carefully parked outside. Red was just walking along happily, whistling the Pokemon Theme Song. Finally! After all the things people had said about him, all the (drunken) criminal offences, 20 years after his journey logically should have started, he was finally going to be something! Something new! Someone who would fight for justice! Someone who would be the very best, like no one ever was! To catch them was his real test, and training his caus-
"Oi! Dumbass!"
Red stopped whistling, "You…"
His eyes narrowed. He slowly turned behind him, as a sudden sandstorm struck up. A random tumbleweed blew past, as an equally random mariachi band (Consisting entirely of Abras wearing sombreros) played a few notes on a banjo.
The boy in green with orange hair glared back. He turned to face Red. Our hero slowly held his hand over his left thigh, where his Desert Eagle .50 lay, clipped in its holster.
"This town ain't big enough for the two of us…"the boy rasped, spitting on the sand. Red looked down, eyes shut…
He opened his eyes, filled with strength, as he said in McCree's voice, "It's high noon."
"STOP! BOTH OF YOU!"
Oak stood between the two rivals, as a needle scratched a record.
"Aww! But I wanted to kick his ass!" both boys whined.
"Sorry, but we are on quite the tight schedule here." Oak explained, looking at his watch, "We need this story to be complete before 2016 is out, otherwise it won't be symbolic anymore!"
The duo exchanged looks, before Red asked a very important question, "Uh, did he forget to take his pills?"
Blue rolled his eyes, "High…possibility…"
Blue is Red's rival. Hey, you could already tell from the game's title; Pokemon Red and Blue/Green. Now, I'm not just saying this because I don't play the Japanese version, but this Blue is male.
…Sorry, forgot this was an adaptation of the game, not the manga. Simple mistake. Both are similarly epic.
Oak shook his head, "Anyway, step into my lair…I, uh, mean, lab."
Red rolled his eyes, walking in.
In the background, the Abra Band started playing 'Far Cry 4- The Clash'.
(A.N. This story is 100% orchestrated by The Abra Mariachi Band. That essentially means that there is a musical backing for most parts of this fanfic, so Red's adventure can have the awesome soundtrack it deserves! Each song belongs to their respective owners, but I might change some lyrics to fit the story. Other than that, I don't own any songs. Now that's outta the way, let's get on with it. Hit it!)
"Here, there are 3 Pokemon. They are inside these Pokeballs." Oak explained, motioning to the three balls, "Now, Red, please pick your starter."
Red walked up to the table, reaching out for Charmander's ball. Here it was. The first Pokemon he would get on his crazy adventure…
"Ladies first!" he screamed, slamming Squirtle's ball into Blue's hand, before picking up Charmander's. Blue blinked, "Wait, wha-HEY!"
Red chortled madly, dashing out of the room, leaving a dust cloud in his wake, "Later, MOFOS! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Repent, for the end of the world is near…
