"Hey Codester, found a girlfriend yet?" Is the question that I always hear from my twin brother, Zack, every time we go surfing on our weekend routine. He's always worried about me having to live alone when I'm old, or me probably living with a cat for the rest of my life. I always have a rare excuse though, and Zack surprisingly believes it. I don't know about him but, I wouldn't believe myself. The epic lie that I am dating random girls, a different chick every week or so. I told him that I'm just not the serious type unlike him - which makes him even more worried that I'd end up single because I act like a douchebag. Sometimes I think he's so dumb for believing so easily, plus he calls me the honest twin (the complete opposite of him) when introducing me to his friends, which is funny because half of the things I've told him about me are lies.
I am weird. That my friend, my brother don't know. But it's the truth.
In the town of Malirr, stands a small town by the beach, the clearest and bluest ocean I assume exist. This is where me and my brother grew up. You could find a lot of pretty girls lurking around. Some sexy chicks in bikinis playing volleyball or just swimming and laughing, showing off their curves to every topless hot guys. And not one of them caught my attention. My brother didn't need to know that. If I told him the truth earlier, I'd creep him out. He would have probably turned his back on me if I told him the reason. You see, I'm not only weird because I am not attracted to girls. I'm not attracted to older women either.
The weirdest thing about me is the fact that I am in love with my brother. Wow, big word right? We're both guys! We're twins! That's weird. Yeah, definitely. It's literally like falling in love with myself. Love yourself they say, I do that everyday. But at least I can tell that the love of my life is Zack, not me, Cody... right?
So there, I said it. Zack is not just a twin brother to me. He's my best friend, but he's also more than that. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Sad news is, the feeling's not mutual, or so I believed.
Zack has had a girlfriend for five years, her name is Maya. Maya is beautiful and really sweet. She's really good at sports too. She'd often hang out with us when we go surfing or camping on weekends. Sometimes she's the reason why Zack cancels our plans in the last minute.
Then one night I got back home and found Zack lying drunk on the floor, eyes red and swollen and he was just... broken.
"What the fuck happened?" I cussed anxiously as I helped him get up and placed him on the chair. He laughed and looked at me in awe.
"Oh my sweet little brother!" He exclaimed, slapping my face lightly, repeatedly.
"Dude stop that. You're drunk."
"What???? Noooooo!" He shook his head. "I'm dumped!" He said, literally laughing with tears. "Yeah, that's my name! Dumped!"
"What? Did you and Maya fight?" I was telling him while grabbing an ice water from the fridge. "What is it this time? Why did you have to drink if you guys are gonna get back together tomorrow anyways?" I asked before walking back to his side with a cup of water which I made him drink. He was silent for a few minutes. I just watched him drinking water carefully; part of me wishing they'd never get back together. Most part is just guilty as shit.
"We're not," he mumbled, his voice was so brittle, somehow defeated. I could feel the pain he was trying to bottle up. "I messed up, Cody. I really messed up this time," he said, looking as if he was about to cry again.
"H-hey, it's okay," I reassured him, whilst trying my best to calm myself down as well. I squeezed his hand and told him that everything was going to be okay, then he started telling me about what happened.
"She said I forgot to cherish her," he was saying through tears of a totally honest heartbroken drunk man. "I said I didn't, she's just expecting too much from me and I don't want her expecting too much. I'm just- I'm just confused. Everyone goes through that phase but then she slapped meeee. Dude, she slapped me and told me to go to hell just because of stupid things. Can you-"
"Yeah, I can see her doing that." I sighed. "Look Zack," I started, "if you love her, just try winning her back again like you always do. Forget about the slapping part. You probably deserved it but don't stress it." Wait, am I helping? I thought momentarily.
"I did?"
The next day I woke up, I got up and found Zack's room empty. I was a little relieved because I thought he went after Maya, to apologize and fix his mistakes. But when I saw the note he left on the fridge door, I was even more relieved, and I felt so selfish.
I'm not going after her. I'd rather stay in the ocean and do what I love, surfing - than pretend to be someone I'm not. To feel something I don't. Sorry, the ocean is calling me. See you there, Codester. He wrote on the paper with a winking emoticon beside his initials.
Zack and I went surfing that day on a sunny taco Tuesday, very unusual I know - but we had more fun than usual, especially for my part. No Maya cheering him. No Maya joining our bonding. And obviously, I'm not third wheeling anyone so that's a good sign. Maya called me on that same day, in which I ignored, hesitatingly but successfully.
Zack and I roasted marshmallows at night with the rest of our friends. Kevin, our childhood friend, was telling us good old horror stories and we all listened. Zack got scared when Kevin grabbed his shoulder without notice and it made us all laugh when he screamed. The next story Kevin had for us was about me to make everyone laugh even harder, and for Zack to get over the embarrassment.
Kevin told everyone about how he and Zack pranked me when we were in middle school and how very lady-like I had screamed when I found out that I was shampooing with a red hair dye that they put in my shampoo. He went on and on about how the pranks continued and maximized with Zack being the mastermind of bullying me. And I just laughed. Because I missed those days. Obviously not the pranks. I just missed how Zack and I used to hang so much, even if we were fighting most of the time. It was fighting and then apologizing and then hugging and then back to being brothers again. It was fun being a kid. It was fun spending time with him. Just like that night with the roasted marshmallows.
"Hey bro," he called me on our way home. I stopped on my tracks and turned back to face him. He looked troubled.
"What?" I asked as I hugged my surf board tighter.
"...I just wanted to say sorry," he muttered so incoherently, looking away as if in shame.
"For what?" I was befuddled.
"About back there," he began. "Kevin and I roasted you. About us pranking you. Bullying you. I know you don't like that-"
"Zack, it's okay," I told him and smiled. "I actually thought it was funny that you guys remembered every details of it." He blinked and opened his mouth to say something in return, but only a smile curved his lips.
And I felt so wrong and so selfish, like I was the mistake. I was wrong for looking at my brother like that; romantically and perhaps even, sexually. I was selfish for ignoring Maya's calls and texts. I was selfish for thinking Maya didn't deserve him and I did. I was wrong for even thinking that I should confess my feelings for him. I was disgusted of myself, clearly. So I had to turn away and pretend that I wasn't feeling an over exaggerated euphoria or the giddying speed of my heartbeat.
Because I didn't want him to hate me. "Let's go back home," I mumbled and walked ahead of him.
The following day was special. I was once again being the selfish me. I ignored Maya's texts. She was asking me about Zack, begging me to convince him to meet her. She said that she was gonna give him another chance. She couldn't stop thinking about him. Neither could I.
I went surfing with my brother that day, and then we went fishing the following day after that, with just the two of us. We talked and joked and laughed a lot. We even made plans to visit our Mom who moved in with her new husband in the city. We also talked about our plans for the future. I told him I want to be a photographer, not a surf trainer. He wants to manage his own restaurant in town instead of working in a restaurant. We talked about girls too, excluding Maya. It was great, really great. Nevertheless, I always knew that euphoria was limited, which meant the happy days with my brother was nearly over.
Upon arriving back home with a bucket of fish we caught, we sighted Maya at the gate, waiting for Zack almost so desperately. I headed inside while they talked. Zack returned almost two hours later, a small frown was painted on his tanned face. "You ignored her calls?" He asked quietly, albeit unpleasantly. I just looked at him guiltily. "And texts? Why didn't you tell me she tried to contact you too?"
"Would it have changed your mind about not getting back together?" I asked back, scrutinizing through the vexed glare in his blue green eyes. I was hoping he'd say no, but he left me without words.
"Probably," was his answer, and it sounded really genuine. I felt like I just lost a championship game against him. "You know what? I just can't believe you actually kept this from me. You're my brother, my best friend. You should be telling me everything," he continued. "Even if it's about Maya contacting you."
"You know I just wanted to protect you. I thought you didn't want to talk to her." I tried to explain.
"That's hilarious," he chuckled. "Because as far as I remember, you've never done anything to protect me. You're always out there doing whatever you're doing mysteriously, being a douchebag for the most part. For example, blocking Maya's number from my phone."
"W-What?" I certainly didn't know what he was talking about. Blocking Maya's number from his phone? I'd rather block her from my own. "I didn't block her," I told him.
"I knew you'd never admit it." He shook his head disapprovingly and rolled his eyes as he started stomping away from me. I tried calling him back, but it was like my voice was being held back down by something. My feet wouldn't move either. I remained standing near the door, watching my brother's figure disappear from my sight. His blonde locks was the last thing I saw of him that night and I felt so lost all of a sudden.
I didn't see Zack for days. He never went back home, at least not when I was awake. He took most of his clothes and surf board. He never left a note. He blocked my phone and social media accounts. I had no idea where he went, I just assumed he moved in with Maya whilst I was alone.
I was depressed for days. I ended up taking the week off from work just to chill and watch the ocean like there's no tomorrow. I still didn't know why I was accused of blocking Maya's phone, and it didn't look like Zack is gonna show up anytime soon. I thought I needed to clear my mind, so I decided to take the cruise and leave town for a while.
"Wait, how long will you be gone?" Kevin asked, surprised when I told him where I was going. "Do you really think Zack's not gonna come home and bombard me questions about you? What am I gonna tell him?"
"I don't know," I half-smiled. "He probably won't be looking for me because he already has Maya, so you shouldn't worry too much. You know, just in case. Just tell him I'm on vacation. Chilling. I'll see you soon, Kev."
I went in the cruise ship and stood by the deck. The ocean was blue, very clear and beautiful. I watched the waves and the dolphins swimming. The orchestral music being played by one of the ship employees was a perfect fit for the view. I took a lot of pictures, and I just hoped that Zack was there with me so I could show it to him.
I had only been gone for a few good hours, but I already felt like I'll never see my brother again. Why? Well first, my trip is gonna take about 3 days. Second, we don't know what happens on a cruise in 3 days. There might be a weather change. The next thing we know, I'm stuck in a titanic era. Which is a joke, of course. I was just ashamed to face my brother ever again, so I was making up scenarios not to ever meet him again. I just felt like moving on was the best option. And probably not coming back to him.
Cause if I do, I might not be able to stop myself. I mean, I want him to know who I am. I'm just not mentally ready to be hated by him once he finds out. Maybe it's better left unsaid?
My preoccupied mind, which was filled with crazy scenarios, had me completely unaware of the danger behind me. By the time I turned back, it was already too late. A seemingly expensive surf board hanging on a man's shoulder had accidentally made contact with the side of my head and immediately caused the world in my eyes to spin as I stumbled and fell. At least the sky was beautiful to see and the clouds were dancing gracefully. The ray of sunshine was relaxing, though it was somewhat consuming my energy and lifeless soul.
Before everything went completely black, I heard my name being called dreadfully. As dreadful as my mom when she witnessed me swallow a marble at age 8.
"Codyyyyyyyy!!!!!"
Then I was drowning.
Drowning into the deep blue sea, silently. My mind was yelling help. My body was dying to react, but I was frozen by nothing. Then I saw bubbles. Thousands of bubbles. Blue background and a sunlight. And a person behind all of it.
Then I was gone before the mysterious person could reach my hand.
No, when I say gone, I don't mean dead. I might have fallen asleep for a brief moment. But everyone freaked out and thought I was dead. Particularly, my savior whose hands I felt on mine, arms around my waist and legs, and lips against mine.
"Cody, wake up... please. Please, wake up. Oh God. Don't do this to me..." The man was saying, his voice was unbelievably familiar. I knew who it was; I just thought that the words 'Zack found you' were beyond belief.
When I opened my eyes, I was astounded. I was being resuscitated by a pair of quivering lips. Once aware that I was conscious, the man in action quickly pulled away and was revealed to be my brother.
"Z-Z-Zack??" I croaked, weakly. I looked around and found more people surrounding us, all eyes were on us. "What happened?" I asked, meeting Zack's worried gaze.
"You..." Zack began before bursting into tears and pulling me into his trembling arms. "You died. You fucking died for like one minute!"
I thought I was dreaming that entire time. I had no idea why Zack was in the same cruise or how he found me. I didnt know why he still cared about me, or why he was so scared of losing me that he'd end up crying so hard. It wasn't what I had imagined about Zack.
Zack? Zack should've hated me. Zack should've felt betrayed. Zack should've let someone else rescue me than put himself in trouble just to save me. Zack should've said 'I told you so' and laughed at me when I almost died because of my clumsiness.
But there he was. Zack saved me. Did everything on his own without caring about the rest of the world... just me.
And there he was, carrying me into my room. Pampering me like a child. Taking off my wet clothes, and setting himself aside as he seated me on the bed.
He dried my body and hair with a towel and checked my head to see if there were any injuries, then he kissed the side of my head and avoided my gaze the entire time. "I'll go get the first aid kit in bathroom," he mumbled before going. I nodded and waited, staring blankly on the floor. I didn't know what to say or do. In my mind, I was saying thank you and asking him different 'why's. Thank you for saving me. Thank you for taking care of me. Why are you here? Why aren't you with Maya? Why do you make me feel this way?
I shut my eyes closed and took a deep breath. Should I keep quiet? I thought. Just then, I felt Zack's skin touched mine. When he placed his arms around me and rested his face beside mine, I felt so safe.
I felt the heat of our bodies connected to each other. I felt his warm breath against my cheek and it was great. I felt him and that made me so happy and alive.
"Don't do that again," he whispered into my ears. The next words that followed had me instantly frozen. "I don't want to lose you, Cody. I need you..." he continued, "and I love you..."
I turned my head to his side and we looked into each other's eyes in brief silence and stillness. Our faces were an inch apart, I could kiss him so easily but I needed a few seconds to process first.
"I'm sorry," he added sincerely. "But I mean it more than a brother, non-platonically. I'm sorry, Cody. I know it's not right... I should probably go-" he attempted to leave but I caught his arm before he could've been gone forever.
"Don't be," I mumbled. "I should be sorry for this," I finished rather hesitatingly, before pressing my lips against his daringly and passionately.
Zack kissed me back. We started slowly and gently. Then we went crazy. His lips became hotter, and his kisses were somewhat vicious and yet extraordinary. His hands roamed around and against my skin. I couldn't help but do the same to him. We kept slowing down and then faster again. It was like magic. He pushed me on the bed so I was beneath him, he leaned towards me so we were only an inch apart, then he paused for a minute to ask me, "are you okay with me?"
I chuckled. "Are you kidding me? You have no idea how long I've been crazy in love you," I confessed. "Are you okay with that?"
He smiled widely. "Fuck yeah. That's the best thing I've heard all these years," he answered and kissed me again, hungrily. We didn't stop until we needed to take a breath and he decided to turn on the radio by the bedside table which made our hunger for each other even greater and more exciting. He continued kissing me from my lips to the rest of my body. He embraced me like I was the most precious thing he had in the world. I felt his honesty and the love that we shared greatly. "Cody," he murmured lustfully against my neck. "I want you so badly..." I closed my eyes, feeling as though I was in heaven. I moaned uncontrollably as he went lower, taking my bottoms off. "I love you, Cody."
"Zack," I moaned his name. "I love you." I whispered with a smile and turned my back so he could put it in.
Then it happened. With every thrust, I made a sound that surely turned him on even more because he kept on saying so as he entered me in and out, suddenly and forcibly. It was painfully good that I didn't want it to stop. The greatest first time of my life. It's always gonna be with Zack. The first time I lived. The first time I went to school. The first time I had my rainbow ice cream. The first time I flew my own kite. The first time I owned a dog. The first time I won a surfer's duo championship game. The first time I failed a Math class. The first time I was grounded. The first time I sneaked out of the house. Of all the first times I had, this very special moment with Zack is the best first time I've ever had.
After that...
"Stop staring at me," I said when I was trying to sleep but Zack was still gazing. We were still naked under those sheets, and I was exhausted as hell.
He'd been telling me he loves me for like a hundreds times while smiling like a... like a sweet little nugget.
"It's called admiring. And I won't stop admiring you. I can't. You're everything."
"You're just calling it that so I can't tell you to stop doing whatever you're doing because I would never want you to stop admiring me... is that right?"
"I love you."
"There you go again."
I spent three days on the cruise with Zack. We had the best cruise experience together. We saw a whale, we danced, we sang, we dined, we dated in the pool and the jacuzza, we explored underwater, and particularly each other. So everything was great.
That's not all of it. Zack also confessed something that I had almost forgotten to mention to him. So, the person who blocked Maya was not me. It wasn't his friend or my friend or our neighbor. It was himself.
"Do you remember when I blamed you for blocking Maya from my phone?" He asked.
"How could I not?" I gasped.
"Sorry about. You see, when I was drunk," he told me one night while we were having dinner. "I was the one who blocked Maya. I was just confused whether it was a dream or not. So I thought about it very carefully, and then I just realized that it was me. And I shouldn't have blamed you."
"How sure are you that it was you though?" I questioned.
"A hundred percent sure!" He exclaimed and I nodded like a proud father as I chew food and just listened to him. "I remember every single thing that I have denied for the past few weeks," he went on. "That night I was drunk, I blocked Maya's phone and went into your room and kissed you."
Then I choked. I coughed. Zack handed me a cup of water so I took it and swallowed. "You didn't!" I snapped.
"You wouldn't know because you were already asleep. Look, I have proof!" He grabbed his phone from his pocket and scrolled on it before showing me an undesirable photo that he must have taken.
"Wait, what's that?" I asked, taking a closer look at the photo of a seemingly undesirable sausage in the dark. I couldn't comprehend it until Zack's little words explained so much.
"It's your dick," he said nonchalantly.
I blinked. Did he just say? "Wait, say that again?" I asked, puzzled.
"Your dick," he repeated, quietly this time. As if he knew I was going to be outraged.
"What the fuck?!" I cursed. "You- you! You what?! You kissed my-" he cut me off.
"Of course, I kissed your lips. This picture is just proof that I was there. I gave you a secret blowjob after the kiss," he grinned.
"What?!" Still, surprised, as ever. "Why would you do that?!"
"But you liked it. And you were half-awake, you were just letting me-"
"Fuck you."
"Exactly."
"I was cursing at you. Not finishing your sentence. Now delete that picture," I ordered.
"Are you sure?" He asked.
I slapped my own forehead as I couldn't believe he was even considering keeping the photo. "YES, Zack!" I exclaimed and Zack showed me a few seconds later that he indeed deleted it, against his will.
After a moment of silence, I cleared my throats and said, "so you really, uhhh, did that? When you were drunk and I was uhhh unaware? Took advantage of me?"
"Yeah."
"Is that how you started seeing me as a lover?"
"No, Cody." He shook his head. "If you're wondering when and how I realized that I was in love with you, I'd say it was 10 years ago. I'll tell you from the beginning. But it's a long story so how about... one kiss per information?"
I stood up hastily and approached his stunned figure. "Come here," I said before connecting our lips together. My favorite activity of all time. He didn't even have to ask.
"You were surfing that day," he whispered in between the kiss. "You were so happy," he added as he pulled away and rose to his feet. Then he put his hands on my shoulders, squeezed it, before he started with a grateful smile, "and I was like wow. He really loves surfing. You were wearing all blue and your board was also blue so I was like wow, he really loves blue. And the ocean was so blue so I was like... oh my God. What if he gets lost?" He laughed quietly. "What if he gets eaten by the ocean? What if I'll never see that smile again? I was so worried. I was never as friendly with the ocean as you've always been, but I decided to surf too. I practiced and practiced because I wanted to be there with you, Cody. I wanted to make sure that you would always be safe and surfing with your badass surfer side was the only way I could think of protecting you. To get closer to you. Because I love you."
"Then why did you bully me in middle school?" I wondered.
"I was afraid I was falling for you. I'm sorry." And he really was sorry.
I tried not to let out a giggle but I couldn't help it. I couldn't be more happier knowing that Zack have always felt the same way with me.
"You know you're the best thing that ever happened to me, Zack... I love you."
And I pulled him in for another kiss.
It was once again one of our greatest first dates. We were on a cruise ship on a date and we didn't care there were eyes glued on us like we were the big screen. The employees played their instruments for us and it was beautiful.
The person in front of me, my brother and the love of my life, who is obviously one and the same, had promised me a happy and exciting life that I'd never regret taking with him.
Because we're in love, our love is always worth the risk.
