MY WILL

You know, they say that day and night are like life itself. It doesn't matter in which one you begin, the other one eventually will arrive. The frosty night will be erased by the warm day. In the end, you will experiment almost the same amount of both. Always fearing to be happy, but regretting either way when tragedy arrives; yet, the sun will shine again.

But that's just don´t go with me.

I believe live is like the sky of a clear night. Where you stand, everything is pitch black. But when you rise your head, you can see them. Each one tinkling brightly, yet distant to not feel their warmth. They are your moments of joy, excitement, that sensation that tells you you´re alive. Still, they were just emotions, not feelings.

However, when you turn around your head, there it stands. The biggest light of them all. The one that clear the darkness in which you stand. Not enough for you to see everything, but enough for you to keep going. It's that thing, the one that you treasure the most, the one that gave you a purpose. But overall, the one that doesn't matter what you face, won't let you give up.

I think only the ones that suffer can see the true light, but how much do you need to suffer to be able to see it? If someone suffer too much, doesn't that person become twisted and unable to feel? Don't you become broken?

Sorry, I must be boring you. This is about my past, not why I think I'm crazy. So, let's begin my life... No, that's not it… my lives stories. And it all begun with just one name… Yggdrasil.

Still, you don't know too much about it. Truth to be told, I'm not from there either, even if my body was born there. I came to life in a small planet called Earth. It was a truly beautiful place. Not as big or rich as the one you live in, but it was a welcoming and warmth planet.

Nonetheless, it wasn't like that for my… species. We were weak, small, easy to get sick, didn't had natural defences like claws or shells. We only had a couple of thumbs and a bigger brain, and somehow managed to raise to the top with just that.

"Top", if you want to call it like that. We consumed all the life, destroyed the soil, and killed each other just for more. Rather than the top, it was a place where, doesn´t matter what we do, no one would stop us.

At least, that´s what we thought, for a living being can´t eat money. Too many of us, and too few things to take. Yet, we still engulf ourselves in all sort of pleasures. Lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, pride, no sin could have felt better than the one I enjoyed, for escaping reality was possible for us.

Just like in your world, we had games, but ours where a little more complex. With our machines, we could create worlds, and make them feel real. You just needed to connect yourself and would woke up in another world. Still, an illusion would always be an illusion, and could never be the real world.

However, in this illusion we did everything we couldn´t do, even the forbidden ones. Though, the real reason it was incomparable with the other pleasures was a silly one.

We could be, we could create… We could.

The possibilities that you wanted to happen were reality in these illusions, and they were so convincing, that we forgotten ourselves in them. Truly silly, cause at the end, what we try so hard to believe was real, was just 0s and 1s in a machine.

And I believed in them. Of course, not that they were reality itself, but that it was the place I belonged to.

Thus, I forgot about them. Rather, I forgot who the real ones they were. Not powerful, invincible or supreme beings; instead weak, killable and mortals. And even with that type of existence, we connected with each other. We accepted everything of one another, and because of that we searched together a place where that bond can live for eternity.

That´s why we played Yggdrasil.

Nevertheless, it was me the one who let them down. It was me the one who, for put it bluntly, fucked it all up.

My heart let itself sway away by the beauty of the illusion, and start believing that it was the illusion itself that make me happy. Even if my brain allowed me to make sure everyone had a place where they can be happy, it dulled my ability to let me enjoy that happiness of those feelings. I mistake my emotions with my feelings.

I mistake what I valued the most.

That night, when the servers shut down, I lost it forever. The opportunity to look at them and be honest, to make everything right. Instead, I came to this world. Now, in the top of the world, I feel nothing. Just… emptiness. And I would give it all, so much as my very soul just to be with them once more… even if it is just enough time to tell them how much I love them.

It´s stupid, isn´t it? There is no reason for them to want to see me again. They should hate me for what happened, for abandoning them. But for some reason, they just smiled to me. So, I will fulfil my promise to them, and reach them, wherever they might be. And for that reason, I would be leaving this world.

Long story short, I would give you my memories. All I now cherish about this place are inside of them, they are what is left of the me that roamed these lands.

I just hope you can understand them, though. I've lived a truly long life, so the memories may not be in order. Oh well, I've always been a messy person.

I'm sorry… for everything… I promised myself that I won't regret nothing in my life, but in the end, I was just being proud.

Don't end up like me, so…

Take care…