A/N: I've had this idea in mind for about three years now and I finally put it to paper. I don't own Mr. & Mrs. Smith, and I don't own Naruto.
Yamada, the Japanese equivalent of Smith
The clock ticked loudly, telling the three occupants that their hour and a half long session was underway. The sound of a pen scratching quietly against paper accompanied the clock and occasionally the shuffle of a few files. Light spilled in from the windows, the mid-day sun warm against their skin as they sat silently. The man behind the desk continued to write, what exactly, the other two were unsure of. Two of the occupants were in their late twenties, one looking tense, and the other aggravatingly relaxed- or so his partner thought.
One of them was blond, his hair shining in the light as he tapped his fingers against the arm of his chair impatiently. Blue eyes scanned the room, looking for something to capture his attention, but failing. In the end he settled to stare at his partner whose gaze locked with his, a disapproving frown marring the face that he loved. He gave a breezy sort of smile, the kind he only donned when he was anxious. A dark eyebrow quirked in his direction before the frown and furrowed brow disappeared, leaving the pale face as blank as freshly fallen snow. The blond reached out to grasp the slender hand that was dangling off the side of the chair, carefully taking the cold hand into his own warm one. A barely noticeable smile played across his partner's face as the man behind the desk finally set down his pen and cleared his throat.
"Alright," Dr. Umino said. "Naruto...," he paused at the odd name for a moment before continuing, "And Sasuke Yamada, married for—
"Five years," Naruto smiled, relaxing in his seat now that the tension was broken.
"Six," Sasuke corrected flatly, pulling his hand from his husband's.
"Okay," the doctor nodded, scratching at the scar that spanned most of his face. "Married for six years—
"I'm almost positive it's five," Naruto argued, ignoring the glare that threatened to burn a hole in the side of his head. The blond began ticking off his fingers, counting quietly under his breath.
"There's no way it's been six years," He said firmly.
"It's six dobe."
"Settle you two," Iruka muttered feeling like a parent rather than a doctor as he picked up his pen to scrawl something into his notebook. "So, you've been married about five or six years, and now you're here to...?"
"Oh, we don't really need to be here," the blonde laughed rather nervously, rubbing at one of the odd scars that stretched across his cheeks. "We actually won four sessions with you in a draw at a party. Proceeds went to charity and all that...," he trailed off, bouncing his knee as he did.
"So, you don't actually need to be here," Iruka stated more than asked, glancing between his two newest clients.
Sasuke gave a nod but otherwise remained silent. Iruka frowned, wondering if there was some sort of anti-social personality disorder hiding behind those coal black eyes. He could sense a terrible temper hidden behind the facade of indifference but judging by the constant contact that Naruto forced upon him, the blond acted as a bit of a grounding agent. He was the lion tamer; the man with the key to the cage.
"But we both agreed that it was a good idea to come," Naruto said, apparently having taken up the role as the couple's representative.
"We have a theory," Sasuke began quietly; his eyes empty as he stared.
"We do?"
"Yes," he said shortly. "The oil check."
"Ah, right," the other nodded, recalling their previous conversation a few weeks prior. "The oil check. We've been married for five—
"Six"
– years now. So we thought that it would be a good idea to...have a bit of a tune up if you get my meaning."
Iruka stared for a moment wondering why on earth he was the one who had to deal with the Yamadas. Maybe it was Karma, because speaking of charity; he hadn't given anything to his usual one this past Christmas. Yes, Karma. That had to be it.
"Alright, that's a perfectly...reasonable idea," the doctor finally said, smiling awkwardly as he once again began writing in his notebook. "It's good to see a couple willing to work on their marriage without the threat of a prenup hanging over their heads. It shows that you care very deeply for one another."
Naruto smiled as he once again reached over to grab Sasuke's hand, only to have it widen when the brunette returned his grasp.
"So, let's get down to work."
"On a scale of one to ten, how happy are you together?" Iruka asked, staring out at the couple sitting in front of him.
"Eight," Sasuke responded easily, only taking a moment to consider. Eight was a nice number; not too high, but not too low and Iruka found himself rather surprised that the raven would admit to being so content.
"Wait, let's get this straight," Naruto started, glancing between Sasuke and the doctor. The whole scale thing was beginning to screw with his mind. "Ten being perfectly happy and one being totally miserable?"
Iruka sighed as he got comfortable- the meeting was probably going to take a while if it continued in the same fashion, "Just say whatever first comes to mind. Ready?"
"Eight," the pair said unanimously, their hands still loosely intertwined.
"On a scale of one to ten, how happy would you say your partner is?"
"Eight," Naruto chirped.
"Are we allowed fractions?" Sasuke muttered, shifting in his seat as he did. He wasn't enjoying this little exercise that they were being put through thus far.
"It's whatever first comes to mind," the doctor reminded him, beginning to grow rather exasperated with the pair. They were a bit of an odd couple, but hell, he wasgetting paid.
"Alright. Are you both ready?"
"Eight," they responded together.
Iruka growled. "You can't keep waiting for the other to answer so that you can agree! It defeats the purpose of the exercise."
"So we can't agree?" Sasuke stared at him blankly as if daring him to say otherwise.
"You can agree, but- just never mind," he huffed.
"Wait, so we've been doing this wrong?" Naruto asked, sounding a little worried at having wasted the past half hour.
Iruka tried to remain calm as he shook his head; dear God, he needed a drink.
"How often do you have sex?"
The pair froze, a light blush dusting across Sasuke's face as he looked out of the window for a moment.
"Is this on a scale of one to ten again?" Naruto frowned. "So, one being never and ten being what, five times a week?"
"Technically, never should be zero," Sasuke argued, turning back from the window, the blush all but gone from his face. "Zero always equals nothing. One being never doesn't make sense. And if we're not sure what zero is, how can we be sure what ten is? Is it—
"Constant, unending, twenty-four/seven," Naruto picked up. "Without a break, even to eat...Like Jiraiya."
"I told you not to say that name around me," Sasuke growled, once again ripping his hand from Naruto's grasp. "Perverted old man."
"Oh, come on," the blonde whined, grumbling as he reached out to grab Sasuke's hand again only to have his husband slide over in his chair so that he was just out of reach. "He gave you away at the wedding and everything. He's family, and family's important."
"I'm only related through marriage," Sasuke reminded him, grimacing at the memory of Jiraiya pinching him on their way down the aisle. "And even that's too much."
Iruka resisted the urge to pull his hair. "This isn't a one to ten question. Now, how often do you have sex?"
They both stared at him for a moment, Sasuke looking annoyed and Naruto scratching the back of his head.
"I refuse to answer," the raven groused, clearly a rather private person. 'I should have seen that coming,' Iruka thought to himself as Naruto seemed to gather his courage.
"Well..."
Iruka cleared his throat, trying to gather himself, suddenly finding that he couldn't make eye contact with either of his clients, "Alright, um, that was...enlightening."
A rather perverted grin slid onto Naruto's face while Sasuke seemed to be trying to become invisible as he slunk down in his chair and hid his face behind his hands.
"But, to the point here, you're saying that...you haven't done any of...that in quite a while?"
Naruto nodded looking frustrated. "When we first got married we were all over each other! I mean, he'd be loading the dishwasher and I'd just—
"Naruto," Sasuke started warningly, his dark eyes burning in the half light of the late afternoon sun.
"Okay, well, you get the point," the blond continued, leaning forward in his chair, his hands flailing. "But now, he barely let's me hold his hand for more than five minutes, never mind touch his—
"Naruto!"
The blond rolled his eyes for a moment before continuing. "I feel like it's one of our biggest issues. After all, sex is the key to any strong relationship."
The room fell silent for a moment, only the chirping of birds filtering in from one of the cracked windows making up for the absence of commentary before:
"Communication," Sasuke sneered, finally coming out from behind his hands. "Communication is the key to a strong relationship you idiot."
Iruka clicked his pen as he began jotting down little notes again. He sensed some anger issues, some pent up frustration that would need to be addressed at a later date. At this point, he could see murder by blunt object in the blonde's near future. And hell, he'd probably have to testify at the trial. Better to fix this shit now than have to go to the trouble of buying a new suit. But, then again, the publicity could do his practice some good. After all, all publicity was good publicity.
"Communication is nice, but sex is better," Naruto said, drawing Iruka from his thoughts, dismissing the comment with an idle wave of his hand and Iruka hung his head in sympathy, knowing that the blond would pay for the comment that evening. When Sasuke looked ready to reach over and strangle his partner the doctor felt that it was about time that he intervened.
"Moving on!"
He quickly checked the clock resisting the urge to praise God as he noticed that they only had ten minutes left. With any luck, after this they wouldn't come back. While Naruto seemed to be a nice young man, if a bit of a deviant, and Sasuke was...well, quiet if not a little hostile at times, he didn't think he could get through –suffer through- another session with them. He'd only met with them once and he was contemplating taking up drinking. His liver wouldn't survive the ordeal.
"So, how did you two meet?" A nice easy, simple question. No more sex talk, because apparently Sasuke had a bit of a wild side hiding beneath his indifferent exterior and Iruka was more than a little uncomfortable with the fact that he now knew that.
"In Japan actually," Naruto revealed with a reminiscent smile as Sasuke nodded in agreement.
"You're from there Sasuke?" he asked, having already noticed his accent and the raven nodded in confirmation. "And why were you there Naruto?"
"Business reasons," the raven said simply, answering before the blonde could.
"Care to share?"
"No."
Iruka turned to look at Naruto who simply gave a helpless shrug as he leaned back in his seat.
"Alright," he sighed, closing his folder and setting aside his well used pen. "Well, this was a very...informative session. You can make an appointment with the receptionist on your way out and for next time I want you both to write a list of ten things about your partner that annoy you, and ten things that made you fall in love with him."
The pair gave him a dubious look before nodding and suddenly all of his hopes of never seeing them again died away. Naruto stood first pulling on his jacket before grabbing Sasuke's and helping him into it. Iruka easily noted the eye roll on the raven's part as he slipped into his coat and sent a nod in his direction before opening the door and disappearing out into the hall.
"Well, see ya' I guess," Naruto smiled, giving him a wave before following after his husband.
One session down, three to go.
One Week Later
"He talks. All the time."
Iruka stared over at Sasuke who was staring blankly back, a small piece of paper clutched in his pale fingers. "And that annoys you?"
"Greatly."
"It's not my fault you're practically a fucking mute when you're not yelling!" Naruto growled, his own list looking crumpled and battered.
"We'll discuss these issues later Naruto, right now we're just reading off the lists okay?"
The blond gave a reluctant nod still looking angry.
"So, you value silence and Naruto...is a very vocal person."
The raven nodded but otherwise remained silent, which he'd come to expect. Truth be told, he thought they made an odd pair, polar opposites that they were. But opposites attract and all that. He looked to Naruto, signalling for him to read off something from his list.
"He's changed."
Iruka looked up from his notepad as he detected a hint of melancholy in Naruto's voice which was rather odd given his normally cheery disposition.
"When we first met, I mean, yeah, he was quiet, but now...he's just cold. He barely speaks to me! We talk but we don't...talk." Naruto glanced over at Sasuke who was staring down into his lap. "We don't say the important things. It's like...we just don't hear one another anymore."
Iruka nodded, waiting for the blond to continue. He hadn't thought the list exercise would work so well, but thus far it was proving to uncover some deep seated issues that were plaguing their relationship and ultimately causing it to fall apart. Naruto and Sasuke might have been hilariously juxtaposed, but something had drawn them together, there'd been a spark that had made them fall in love. Now, the spark had dimmed and suddenly their differences were more prominent than ever and propelling them apart. But that was where Iruka came in.
He'd help them get their spark back, and this time, work out their issues. New couples tended to not see their differences because of their love, but once time allowed them to settle in together and the relationship was no longer new, if problems weren't addressed they had a way of festering. And that was the Yamadas' problem. From what he understood they'd been rather...explosive in the beginning, and now that the smoke had cleared, they could see each other clearly and were noticing sides of one another that they hadn't before. Reality had set in. But he'd make them love the reality; because something had made them explode at the start, beneath the heated glares and sarcastic remarks, they still deeply loved one another. They just needed to realize that.
"What do you have next on your list Sasuke?"
The raven looked down for a moment, consulting the neatly scrawled points before looking up and simply saying one word that would set blue eyes ablaze and start an argument the likes of which Iruka had never witnessed in all his years of counselling:
"Ramen."
Sasuke was quiet as they made their way back to their car, having been kicked out of Iruka's office and told to come back next week once the repairs had been made. Naruto was grumbling under his breath, fishing for the keys in his coat pocket as he did. There was a tension in the air that they'd both become accustomed to over the years; the weight of too many secrets between them. A relationship was supposed to be based on honesty and communication. Theirs had neither.
"I've got to head into the office later," Naruto started as he slipped the key into the ignition, not bothering to look over at his husband.
"Alright. What time will you get in?"
"Ah," the blond chuckled humourlessly. "Probably late. You don't need to wait up."
They both knew he wouldn't have bothered anyway.
The drive home was silent and uneventful, the radio taking the place of any possible conversation that would have occurred. They lived in the classic suburban neighbourhood which was rather odd considering that they were anything but the classic couple. They had the bright red door and the white picket fence. The neighbours waved hello as they got the Sunday paper in their robes with their steaming mugs of coffee clasped in their hands. Women had book clubs and sent over casseroles, children played ball out in the street. The whole shebang. Naruto had called it bright and friendly. Sasuke had said it was creepy. But the house was perfect, so in the end the raven had put aside his reservations.
The first few weeks had been...tense. It took exactly eight days for the first neighbour to knock at their door one warm afternoon. Unfortunately, it'd been Sasuke who answered and upon seeing the horrid floral print dress, the string of pearls and the, what he guessed to be tuna casserole, clutched in the woman's manicured hands...he'd slammed the door. And locked it. Naruto had only been able to salvage their first impression by claiming that Sasuke barely spoke English and tended to be rather shy at times. He was very nervous around people and all that.
~X~
Mrs. Flaxman nodded in understanding, a smile fixed upon her probably Botoxed face. "Oh, the poor dear. He's new to the country?"
Naruto nodded as he casually leaned against the doorframe. "We met while I was on vacation in Japan visiting family. I might not look it, but my mother was Japanese. Knew the moment I saw him that he was the guy for me," he declared proudly, ignoring the holes that were slowly being burned in the back of his head. He glanced back, barely spotting Sasuke standing on the upstairs landing, glaring down at him with a look that promised a painful death. "He's a bit of a sourpuss, but he's a sweetheart deep down."
The glare intensified and the blonde sent his husband a bright smile before turning back to face the woman.
"Well, I'm just here to welcome you both to the neighbourhood," she said, her eyes wandering the hallway and catching a glimpse of the kitchen. "I must say, I didn't expect you both to be so...young," she muttered, the word rolling off her tongue as if it soured her mouth.
Naruto nodded indulgingly vaguely wondering when she'd leave so he could track down Sasuke and have some fun before dinner.
"How long have you been married?"
"About three months now," he answered easily, twisting the gold band that adorned his finger.
"Newly weds," Mrs. Flaxman laughed before handing him the casserole. "Well then, I'll ah...leave you to it."
Once she was finally gone he set the dish down on a random box before bounding up the stairs, laughing as Sasuke peeked out of their bedroom like a reclusive cat gone into hiding.
"She's gone?"
Naruto smiled as he grabbed him by the waist and pulled the raven to him. "She's gone," he said, leaning in to capture a pair of pale lips. "And I've got you all to myself. Now, what should I do with you hm?"
Sasuke gave a smirk as he leaned in close, resting his head on a broad shoulder. "I think I have an idea."
~X~
Things had been different back then. They'd been happy. Well, Sasuke hadn't been happy with having to pretend to not speak English, but he had the heavy Japanese accent to back it up, and he'd only had to put up with it for a few months before he could realistically understand English. Until then he'd made due with throwing scathing insults at the neighbours which they fortunately couldn't understand.
~X~
"He's welcoming you into the house," Naruto smiled as he shut the door behind Mister and Mrs Ford.
Sasuke rolled his eyes from his place in the window seat, a book resting in his lap, because he was being anything but welcoming.
~X~
The neighbours turned out to be nice enough people. A little odd at times— some acted like something out of Stepford Wives, but they were good, wholesome people.
When they pulled up into the driveway Sasuke was out of the car in a blur of white and black, barely letting the vehicle come to a stop before throwing open his door. Naruto watched as the raven slowed to admire the flowers that the gardener had planted the other day watching a hand reach out to stroke a delicate purple petal. It was moments like these that drove him; just something small and simple that reminded him of why he'd fallen in love with the man. Some things had changed between them, but a lot of things never would.
A beep from his phone reminded him of the time as he climbed out of the car and made his way over to the garage. With the turn of a key he was in and began puttering about, hanging his coat on a hook as he did. The lawnmower that still needed fixing was shoved into the far corner, and the chair that Sasuke had broken last month when he'd tossed it across the room was still in various pieces, scattered across the workbench. Frail though he might look, Sasuke was damn strong and not afraid to throw his weight (or blunt objects) around if he felt that the situation called for it.
Naruto pulled back the old beaten rug that was cast across the floor to reveal a rather large door built into the cement. The screech of the hinges protesting made him wince as he opened it, realizing that he should oil it before Sasuke heard it from inside the house. A motion light flickered on as he thumped down the metal stairs followed by several others, easily illuminating the small space and its contents. The walls were lined with various guns and weapons, all well organized considering his habit of never putting anything back where it belonged. The blond grabbed a black gym bag and began loading in the ammunition he'd need along with several guns of various calibers. With a zip, he shouldered the bag and climbed back out, covering his tracks as he went.
He'd be back before Sasuke suspected a thing.
Sasuke huffed as he fingered the rim of his mug, watching through the window as Naruto trudged out to his car with his gym bag in hand. Work. Yeah right. The moron was probably going for a workout before hitting the bar with Kiba or something. With a flick of his wrist he emptied his tea into the sink, and set the mug on the counter with a harsh clank. Well, at least with him gone he could finally get ready.
Sasuke strode into the living room, ignoring the blinking answering machine as he made his way over to the painting situated over an old oak desk. With the toss of the hidden switch embedded into the frame the oil on canvas slid to the side revealing a large vault embedded into the plaster wall. After punching in the code and pulling open the door a deep compartment lined with draws appeared set into the frame. Sasuke idly went through them pulling out a few guns, some piano wire and a few knives before closing everything up again. With Naruto gone he didn't hesitate in setting everything on the coffee table while he padded up the stairs to grab the rest of his things. Once he was dressed and had everything loaded into his leather briefcase Sasuke was out the door, making sure to lock it behind him before making his way down the stone tiled path.
He'd be back before Naruto suspected a thing.
TBC...eventually.
Don't forget to review please.
ForeverFalling.
