Be careful what you wish for is one of Nan's favourite little sayings. I've never really understood it before but now I do! I was really looking forward to getting stuck in – wanted nothing more than to be deployed and to be doing all the stuff we had been doing in training for real – until I got on the tarmac at Brize and reality struck. The CO is a really tasty looking bloke called Captain James who took one look at me and decided I was a waste of space. Didn't even bother to speak to me! Okay so I laughed a bit when he called the lads "cockwombles" but I really thought he was having a laugh and anyway I sometimes giggle a bit when I'm nervous, but he made a great big deal out of it. Even if he's got no sense of humour and is a complete Rupert, there was still no need for him to threaten to lob me out of the plane for chrissakes. What a pig!
Things got even worse when we were hanging about waiting to get on the bloody plane. Who should crawl out of the woodwork but that Welsh tosser Smurf. He was the cocky little git I met in Guildford, the one I haven't seen or heard from since our one night stand (not that I can remember much about that cos I was completely trolllied at the time) but I do know he didn't bother to text me back so I ain't exactly thrilled to see him. He thinks he's God's gift but I hope he's not holding his breath waiting for a repeat cos if he is he's going to die from lack of oxygen.
Bastion was a bit of a shock. It's so bloody hot and sort of crowded and built up with portacabins and things. Much bigger than I expected. Not sure what I expected actually just not this. Apparently we are not staying here but are going to a FOB on a mission. Not sure I want to go now. Captain James the Rupert carried on where he left off at Brize. Took the piss out of me because I don't read bleeding minds for a hobby. How was I supposed to know that I should be in the female only quarters If no-one told me? And then he called me a Doris. I wonder if it's just me he has a problem with or is it all women? It's a bit of a waste of a fit looking bloke if he doesn't like women - posh twat.
Did I really think things couldn't get any worse? Had to help with an emergency last night and it was a total bleeding nightmare. I just froze. Hadn't a scooby as to what I was supposed to be doing – this was nothing like the drills we did in training. The state of the poor sod! I just stood there getting in the way while everyone else charged about doing their thing. Jackie, one of the other medics, was kind to me. She sort of understood how I felt and did her best to comfort me. Said that my training will kick in but I'm not so sure. I'm really worried that I can't hack this. I probably should have stuck with the shitty little life I had. At least I knew what I was supposed to be doing.
Jackie told me about Smurf's twin brother getting killed out here. Apparentl y Captain James crawled 200 yards on his belly to retrieve Geraint's body to stop the Taliban having a trophy. Bully for him but it doesn't stop him being an arsehole.
Oh just perfect. I was late for his lordship's training run this morning and as no-one had bothered to tell me any different (mind reading again) I was wearing the wrong kit - should have been wearing full kit not PE. Felt like shouting "thanks a bunch guys" but I was actually scared I might cry. He just stood there and looked me up and down with a smirk on his face like I was something he'd scraped off his shoe and then made some crack about me wearing my stilettos and pulled a face so the rest of them would laugh at me. What a PIG! The run itself was a fucking nightmare. I've never run 5k in full kit in my life let alone in the heat so I couldn't keep up with the blokes who have been training for this for months. I was so puffed out I couldn't speak and anyway didn't dare open me gob in case I puked. At the end of the run he staged this drill and kept yelling at me to do something to save Smurf who had "had his legs blown off" and was I going to let him "bleed out"? I felt like shouting back that I didn't give a monkeys what he's had blown off , the more the better as far as I'm concerned but I decided it might be better not to and anyway I didn't want to puke on his feet although it would have served him right! He then shared the information with the lads that I am "the only medic who is scared of the sight of blood" which had something to do with last night I presume. Nice of him I thought! And last night had nothing to do with me being scared of the sight of blood!
We are off to the FOB tomorrow so have a briefing to go to shortly. Wonder what the reaction would be if I asked his Lordship where the nearest tube station is or if someone could call me a cab so that I can get off home now. It might be worth it to see the look on his face but on second thoughts I'd better not cos he might bung me on the first plane out of here and I WILL NOT give him the satisfaction of making me cry.
This day just gets better and better. I cracked a joke during the briefing, yeah that's me Molly Dawes back to being the class clown, and needless to say my biggest fan wiped the floor with me and then made some crack about the medical checks I have to carry out. Said I should think of it as "speed dating". Told me to give them 60 secs each and then "sod them off out of it" Sexist as well as everything else (he wouldn't have said that to a male medic). Needless to say the lads gave me a really hard time at the medicals. Of course they did, Captain posh despises me and doesn't bother to hide it and I am apparently "afraid of the sight of blood" which is just what you need in a medic. I am a bit bothered about Smurf. He talked about his twin brother Geraint's death and how the Afghans are going to pay for it. Seemed a bit unbalanced to me, but hell what do I know and who the hell would listen to me anyway?
I have decided to do the "Yes Sir, no Sir, three fucking bags full Sir" routine with the Captain from now on. No jokes, no chat, nothing. Try and make him like me. Most blokes do when they get to know me and hopefully it'll stop giving him excuses to pick on me. I am still determined he will NOT make me cry.
Arrived at the FOB this morning. Walking to the compound from the helicopter this sweet looking little kid came up and said hello to me. She reminded me of Bella which was nice. Captain posh gave her a biro and she looked really pleased.
We were having some water when Smurf started acting up with an ANA bloke. He was goading this bloke trying to make him react. God knows why but then I saw the bloke grab his rifle so I pulled Smurf away. Don't want him to get shot on the first day but he really was being a bit of a dick. Went out on patrol, not sure what to make of it, but saw the pen kid again so gave her a biro I had bought out specially. She looked really happy and asked me if I was going to stay. Seemed pleased when I said yes, glad someone likes me! When we got back the Captain asked us what we thought. I kept me gob shut but he then asked me why the insurgents would be watching us. Enjoyed giving him a sensible answer that wiped the smirk off his face. Still worried about Smurf so decided to tell Captain posh my concerns. Really shouldn't have bothered! He stood there looking down his nose at me, and he's much taller than I am so he had a long way to look, and basically told me that Smurf is a good soldier and I really shouldn't worry my pretty little head about things I don't understand. Those weren't his exact words but that is what he meant alright. Okay I give up.
Second patrol and Smurf was still being a dick saying that you can't trust any of them Afghans not even the kids, when the shit hit the fan big time.
We had only just left the compound and was making our way along this ditch when some bugger opened fire on us. We all ducked down in the ditch and the Corporal was on the radio saying that they were targeting me ! Bleeding terrific. We was told to leg it back into the FOB but I couldn't cos me legs were shaking too much to move. Smurf proved to be a real mate and opened fire onto this little building where he thought the sniper was hidden and just kept on firing like a lunatic to cover me as I ran back to the FOB. The lads were a bit hyped up after but I wasn't - I was still too busy shaking! The Captain came out and yelled a bit about staying alert on patrol although I can't see what difference that would have made to them wanting to shoot me. He then sort of shouted Medic, don't know why cos I have got a name and then sort of jerked his head to tell me to follow him. We went to the med tent and I thought I was in for another bollocking for freezing in the ditch but he was actually quite nice to me. Said he wanted his blisters treated but what he really wanted was to ask about Smurf. I refused to drop Smurf in it cos I reckon I owe him one but I did risk teasing Captain James a bit about his smelly feet and his training runs. He actually smiled at me. Bloody hell RESULT ! And he's got a nice smile, nice white teeth.
Did I say something nice about Captain James? I take it all back! He's a PIG. He's only gone and said something to Smurf about what I said this morning and Smurf is now calling me a slag and a grass and has obviously told all the lads about Guildford with added extras probably so now no-one will even look at me let alone speak to me. Letter from Mum today and today I cried!
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