i had to get this out of my brain so i could focus on other works. it was sitting there. taking up space. sooo much head space. i needed buddy cops IN SPACE like a dying man needs water.

Warnings: despite my status as a pretend internet cop, i have limited knowledge on actual detective work. but this is in space, so its ok.

Pairings: ace zadr. so it can be read as zadf. but asexual erasure is lame, so you should probs only do that if zadr is ur notp to end all notps.

this is on a non-priority update schedule, cause it's my let off steam and make lame police jokes fic. alright, enough of this.


It had been a while since Zim had contact from the tallest- and he was perfectly ok with that. He wasn't stupid- he had known for a while that he was banished. He just didn't actually care. Anything was better than Foodcourtia, even exile to the uncharted parts of the galaxy. For a while he put on a good show, mostly because even though he logically knew he was banished, he didn't exactly want to admit it, even to himself.

After several years on Earth, the four-foot, nine-inch alien finally realized that he would be spending the rest of his days on this planet. Or at least, in this part of the galaxy. Theoretically he could head out into space, get a job, and make a living off this wretched hell hole. Irken's weren't unheard of in this part of the galaxy, and it was one of the few places they could get respectable jobs outside of the empire.

There's just one problem, Zim realized. Because of the volatile nature of solo Irkens exiled from the empire, galactic law in this part of the universe mandated that they have an alien partner to keep them stable. It didn't matter if the exile was self-imposed or not. People just didn't trust solo Irkens. And with good reason, as solo Irkens were usually invaders. But an Irken working with a non-Irken, now that was someone people could trust. Irkens were fiercely loyal, and if an Irken chose to partner with an alien rather than go it alone away from the empire, then that was proof enough of their trustworthiness.

If Zim wanted off this planet and back into the Universal Alliance outside the Irken Empire, then he would have to choose one of these Earth Scum to take with him. He shuddered at the thought.

Zim supposed, in theory he could live out the rest of his days on Earth. But it would just be so boring. Earth was like, the boonies of the universe. It was halfway between the outskirts of the Irken Empire and the Universal Alliance, and both nations were constantly expanding away from Earth and consequently each other. The Universal Alliance and the Irken Empire had a sort of unspoken agreement to not bother with each other. Because of this, it meant that no matter how long Zim waited, Earth would never be more than some backwoods planet in the middle of nowhere.

In that moment, Zim knew there was no way he would be stuck here for the ends of his days. There had to be at least one native he could tolerate in the vastness of space! Surely! Someone who would also go with him willingly. Zim shrugged. He would have to figure it out another day- if he spent much longer contemplating his options in his lab, then he would be late for skool.

Zim loved 12th grade. Even if he was made fun of by his peers for being the shortest in his class, he could still lord his power over underclassmen. That was one good thing about Earth- status came from experience, not height, which put Zim far above everyone else, even if they didn't realize it. And the best part was now he only had a month until he was done with this infernal educational facility.

"Hello, Dib," Zim greeted sharply as he walked into their first period forensics class. For whatever reason, the teacher thought it'd be a great idea to assign Zim and Dib as lab partners. Zim wasn't even sure why he took this class. Oh wait, yes he was. It was to annoy Dib.

"Zim," Dib replied, just as venomously. Dib had given up trying to oust Zim as an alien around the same time Zim stopped making serious take over the world plans, around the same time they started Hi-Skool. That didn't mean there wasn't any less animosity shared between them, however.

"Are you prepared for today's test, Dib-worm?" Zim asked conversationally.

Dib rolled his eyes, "Of course I am, Zim. Are you?"

Zim waved him off, "Yes yes, Zim downloaded the information yesterday."

Dib rolled his eyes. Zim always did horribly in class, but aced his tests because he always managed to store the required information in his PAK the night before. It was like cramming before a test, only more efficient, and less work. Early in their Hi-Skool career, Zim's teachers accused him of cheating, and made him take his tests in isolation for a while, but when Zim proved to perform just as well, they let it drop, mentally filing it under the anomaly that was Zim.

After his first year in Hi-Skool, Dib decided that if he was going to disappoint his father by not perusing REAL SCIENCE, he would at least do it in a constructive way- paranormal investigation didn't exactly have many high paying jobs, but criminal investigation, on the other hand, had many prospects. He was very pleased to learn that his Hi-Skool offered a criminal investigation track, which he eagerly signed up for. He was already interning at the local police station, and with some startup money from his dad (who was just glad Dib had stopped acting crazy) he could easily have his own private investigation business up and running by this time next year.

Zim, on the other hand, just wanted to be in as many of Dib's classes as possible, just to have every opportunity to annoy the boy. Once or twice, the principle tried to make sure Zim and Dib had no classes together. They constantly argued, and distracted the class. Zim would have none of that, though, so he hacked the Skool's database to rectify her mistake. After noticing the boy's schedules had been changed to match, the principle merely sighed in exasperation and let the matter drop.

Their forensics teacher announced that the test would be starting shortly, so Zim and Dib cleared off their shared work table and waited patiently for Mr. Spoopy to pass out their test papers.

From there, it was a race to see who could complete the test first. Zim and Dib turned everything into a competition, to the point where their peers simply ignored it. They were just The Short Green Kid and His Tall Best Friend, or Zimanddib. Never one without the other, as far as their classmates were concerned.

Every year, underclassmen were warned, don't intervene with Zimanddib. Whenever the boy's got into a fist fight, or an argument, other students would roll their eyes and mutter, there goes Zimanddib again.

Whether intentional or not, Zim and Dib did everything together. They were tied for valedictorian, they had the same grades in all of their classes, and they were evenly matched in every fight and altercation. A while ago, Zim and Dib stopped existing as separate entities on school grounds and became the infamous trouble making duo.

Outside school was the only time their lives were independent. Dib had his police station internship, and Zim had his labs at his base, where lately he was looking into job openings in the Universal Alliance so he would be ready once he found someone tolerable to take along as his partner.

It was one week after the forensics test that Zim realized the answer to his problems had been staring him in the face all along. Dib was absent. For the first time in four years, Dib was not at school, and Zim was alone.

It never occurred to Zim how much time he spent with the human- just that he did it. There seemed to be a hush over the entire student body as Zim walked the halls alone. Sure, Zim had missed school plenty of times, so everyone knew that Dib existed without Zim. But they had never seen Zim without Dib. Even outside of school, where there was Zim, Dib was not far behind, but the inverse wasn't always true.

Zim heard the whispered rumors. Did they break up? One girl asked. Her friend replied by punching her in the arm with a They weren't dating, idiot. Zim glared in their direction, which quickly caused the squirrely freshman and her friend to shut up. No one but Dib had ever been on the receiving end of Zim's glassy eyed stare, and no one really cared to.

"How dare he," Zim muttered during lunch, where he sat alone in the courtyard, no Dib on standby to exchange punches or jibes with. "Leave Zim alone!" Zim huffed, shoving bits of sandwich angrily into his mouth. "With these-" Zim growled and yanked on the sides of his wig in frustration, "imbeciles!"

As much as Zim hated Dib, he was at least tolerable. At least Dib was worth something. He could hold his own against Zim, but these inferior humans backed down at the slightest glance from the shorter boy.

That was when Zim was struck by a sudden epiphany. Dib was worth something. He was tolerable to Zim and that in and of itself made Dib more valuable than the entire human race combined. Zim's thoughts drifted back to the Universal Alliance's laws requiring a lone Irken to be accompanied by an alien partner. It would be so easy to convince Dib to come with him. He knew the idiot had a thing for space, and Zim knew from his research that private investigators were in short supply. As much as it pained Zim to admit it, Dib was good at PI work, paranormal or otherwise.

Zim grinned to himself, and began to cackle, plan in place. The other students stepped away slightly, even the ones that were all the way across the courtyard. Zim laughing like that usually meant bad news for Dib, who was, unfortunately, nowhere in sight.

From then until graduation Zim was strangely quiet. Aside from lightly reprimanding Dib for daring to catch a cold, there were no grand schemes, no talk of becoming a supreme dictator, nothing. It unnerved Dib quite a bit.

"Are you ok?" Dib asked once during lunch.

"Zim is fine," Zim casually replied. "Don't worry your big head about it."

Zim's relaxed attitude only made him more concerned. His paranoia kicked into overdrive for the next few weeks leading up to graduation. He double checked the cameras stashed in Zim's house, tightened his home security system, and never turned his back to Zim during the school day. But he couldn't pinpoint anything out of the ordinary, other than the fact that Zim was being… much more congenial than usual. Alarmingly so.

Graduation finally came. Dib was straightening out his cap and gown in the dressing room when Zim casually sat on the counter beside the mirror.

"Sooo," Zim began, examining his gloved nails.

Dib raised an eyebrow over his glasses. Zim continued, "What is it you want to do after all this, ehh Dib-worm?"

Dib rolled his eyes. Zim knew and Dib knew that Zim knew so there was no reason for his enemy to be asking. He responded anyway. "I'm opening a private investigation company," he said. "But you knew that, Zim."

"Yes, yes, Zim did," he smiled sinisterly at the human. "Zim just wanted to make sure."

Dib scoffed, and cocked his head at Zim, "Why?" he asked.

Zim shrugged. "I have my reasons," he replied cryptically.

The graduation ceremony was long. To the surprise of no one, Zimanddib's valedictorian speech quickly devolved into them grappling for the microphone for 10 minutes before the class president cut in about how great their Skool was and how sad it was to be leaving.

Zim and Dib somehow ended up walking from the building where graduation was held to their respective homes. Dib's dad was too busy to be there in person, and Zim had no parents to drive him. Besides, it wasn't as if it was an unusual arrangement both Zim and Dib lived by the old adage about keeping your friends close and enemy's closer. Sometimes they took it a bit too literally, as when walking together they often ended up shoulder to shoulder. Or rather, shoulder to forearm, considering their height differences.

When they were about half way back to their neighborhood, Zim took a deep breath, and looked up at Dib. "Dib," he said, "I have a proposition for you."

Dib stopped dead in his tracks. "What?" he asked. Proposition? He had no idea what Zim could possibly mean by that.

"You want to be a PI, yes?" Zim said.

Dib groaned. "We've been over this Zim…"

Zim just laughed. "What if I told you, you could do that, right now. No waiting for licenses, or paperwork to be done." The alien grinned up at Dib's contemplative face. Dib was interested. That meant he had him.

What could Zim possibly be offering? Dib knew that it would take at least a year, probably more, to make sure he was certified and get his practice up and running. Being the son of the world's most beloved man allowed him to take some shortcuts, but not near as many as Zim was implying. It had to be some sort of a trap.

Dib hesitated. "What's the catch?" he asked skeptically.

Zim grabbed Dib's coat sleeve and began pulling him along. "Come to my base, Dib," he said. "Zim will explain all."

And explain all Zim did.

"So you're telling me," Dib started from his position on the couch, "that the whole time you've been here, it was because you were in exile?"

Zim sighed. "You're missing the point, Dib."

"So the earth was never in danger? This entire time?"

Zim ran a hand over his face. "No, Dib, the earth was in danger." He looked up, relishing the confused look on Dib's face. "Zim had simply decided to be merciful. Rather than conquering this pathetic planet to get back in my leader's good graces, Zim will start anew."

Understanding was finally starting to hit Dib. "And you want me," he started, "to go with you?"

Zim raised an antenna. "No, Zim doesn't want you to come with me. Zim needs you to come with me," he huffed, annoyed. "Didn't Zim just finish explaining Universal Alliance laws in accordance with solo Irkens?"

"Why can't you just take Gir?" Dib asked. The little robot in question was mercifully nowhere to be found. "Wouldn't he count as a non-Irken alien?"

Zim pulled on his antennae in frustration. "Gir is Irken technology, therefore doesn't count as non irken." Dib could be so stupid sometimes. "Besides," Zim continued, "I plan to leave him on Earth, should I need to return."

Dib raised a skeptical eyebrow. "Are you sure that's a good idea?"

"Yes, Dib," Zim rolled his eyes. "He does just fine on his own."

The gravity of what Zim was offering started sinking in for Dib. Space. Dib could go to space and live in another part of the galaxy. "But what would we even do for money?" Dib asked. Surely there must be some kink in Zim's plan. It was just too good to be true.

"Did you even listen to me?" Zim asked, utterly frustrated by Dib's thick headedness. "Private Investigation. There's a shortage of PI's, and since it's such a dangerous job, no one wants to do it, but it pays well."

Dib leaned forward. "How dangerous are we talking here?" he asked.

Zim scoffed. "Nothing Zim can't handle, I assure you."

Dib couldn't believe what he was hearing. He had dreamed of being a PI ever since he officially gave up on the paranormal. He even planned on taking paranormal cases under the table, but this was the opportunity of a lifetime! Even if it was his arch enemy.

Dib grinned. "When do we leave?" he asked.

"Pack your bags, Dib," Zim replied, returning Dib's genuine smile. "We leave tomorrow."