Disclaimer: I do not own much of anything; Gundam Wing is pretty much at the top of that list and RedvsBlue is near the bottom, alphabetically speaking (This is not a crossover, RvB and GW would probably kill me)

Warnings: This story may, meaning will, contain shounen-ai, all out weirdness, characters out of character, and those who adore Relena should look away. (She's on my top ten least favorite characters of all time list, no offense to those that like her, it's a personal choice)

Parabola of Mystery

It was after colony…who the Hell cares? All you really need to know is the relative age of our five emotionally challenged pilots and you can pretty much figure it out. For reasons unexplained, mainly just because it's the most convenient and there doesn't have to be a change in scenery, this story takes place on the Earth. No specifics, just pick a location and let your imagination take over from there. If you lack an imagination then just look out into your backyard and picture the pilots there. If you lack a backyard then the author doesn't know what to tell you.

The five pilots all lived in the same location: a large, overworked building with just enough room that the young men more prone to psychosis wouldn't kill the more…outspoken members. To put it plainly, Duo lived on the other side of the building and several soundproof barriers were securely placed to prevent his dulcet tones from reaching the peaceful calm of the other side. The future is quite nifty. There was also a hangar in this apt living space.

On the day in which the story picks back up, Duo spent most of his early morning trying to undo the heavy restraints that prevented him from getting into the farther part of the complex and therefore to the kitchen. An unknown soul had taken upon himself to erect a veritable shrine to annoyance-prevention, chaining and securing the door with five locks. He even electrified the metal, something the braided-pilot figured out the moment he put his hand on the knob. His hair was so heavy that it didn't raise but his body jerked with the sudden charge and he fell backwards, wind-milling in the air for a long moment like a silent film hero before he hit the floor. Duo screwed his face up at the offensive barrier and took to screaming at the top of his lungs, strewing together curses that have scarcely been heard since the 1950's.

On the 'other side' Quatre especially felt his housemate's pain and his head swiveled instinctively toward the door when he heard Duo's numerous profanities. Trowa was literally unmoved; he merely turned the page in the book and continued reading. Heero typed on his laptop compulsively and didn't acknowledge the noise with more then a smug half-smile. Wufei was nowhere to be seen. Quatre wavered in obvious indecision before he tapped on the table and crossed one leg over the other, like that would somehow make it better. No one noticed.

Duo's incessant screams grew louder a few minutes later and Quatre appeared determined to take action. He turned his eyes to Heero and cleared his throat.

Clack Clack Clack

"Uh, Heero?" he tried.

Clack Clack Clack

"I think Duo's been stranded outside for long enough…" It came out as more of a squeaky question then a statement. Heero lifted his eyes for a split second before he shrugged and typed again.

"You are the one who put that stuff up, right? I would take it apart myself but I'm afraid that force would only set off some sort of bomb."

No answer again, but the clacking paused with the word 'bomb' before resuming much faster then before. Quatre sighed and headed toward the door. Duo's noise sounded almost pathetic now. The inexplicably blonde Quatre hit the door three times with the toe of his shoe to prevent shock. Duo quieted down instantly.

"Sorry Duo, I don't know how to open the door," Quatre yelled.

"Damn that son of a…how am I supposed to eat…or SHOWER?" Duo demanded.

"How about you just go around?" Wufei asked back in annoyance as he too entered the room. He had a towel draped over his shoulders, it could be assumed that he just came from the shower, it was so hard to tell with his blindingly-shiny hair. Quatre backed away from the door and smiled.

"…I hadn't thought of that…" Duo admitted. Neither had Quatre. Trowa had, but he decided to keep it to himself while Heero not-so-secretly hoped that the bomb he rigged would go off. It was on Duo's side of the door, after all.

Duo emerged from the front of the building a few minutes later with his hair disheveled and he brandished his toothbrush like a saber toward the Japanese pilot. The clacking never stopped. Duo glared at Heero for a long moment before he regained his usual composure and before long, three rounds around the room to be precise, he was back to his grinning self. Quatre went back to his seat though it was unclear what exactly he was waiting for while Duo pranced about the kitchen getting superhero-themed cereal. Why he would want to eat his cartoon idols was beyond anyone's ability to comprehend or care. This whole action sequence was just a boring segway to the next conversation.

"One point for Heero this morning," Duo said happily as he energetically threw his bowl on the table. He had poured the milk so close to the top of the bowl that it naturally spilled over the side and in a poetic arc right onto Heero's computer. He glared, snatched up a napkin, they haphazardly had stacks in the middle of the table for such incidents, and wiped down his keyboard without a word.

"Two for sheer principle," Wufei said from his position by the counter.

Duo stuck out his tongue and went back to shoveling superheroes into his mouth. Quatre rested his hands neatly in his lap and from the look on his face, his mind was faraway. Therefore there was no conversation at the table since Duo hadn't paused in his insane eating to speak.

Heero's fingers paused over the keyboard. It was a bit of a mystery as to what he was always doing on the computer nearly twenty-four hours a day, especially since he was constantly typing. Duo's theory was that he constantly blogged and chatted with other mission-oriented-psychos but since he wouldn't let anyone get behind him all they could do was speculate. This sudden breath between the respective symphony of white noise caused all, save Trowa, to look up.

"Yo, Heero, what's up?" Duo asked, shock livid on his face.

This was due to the fact that Heero himself was stunned. His eyes were wide and staring at the screen before him and his fingers hovered over the keys, stretched at an impossible angle to reach the farthest letters. He didn't answer immediately but a few seconds later returned back the way he was. Well, to be honest his eyes still had a certain wariness to him and his mouth was only a firm line of tension. Quatre predictably was the first to ask.

"Do you mind telling us what shocked you?"

Heero put his computer on the table and crossed his legs in thought. This sudden, unexpected action even had Trowa coming up from air as his eyes moved from the book to the spandex-loving pilot.

"Way to build the tension," Duo commented as he pushed his finished bowl to the side. He was far too lazy and interested in Heero's sudden change to go and put his bowl in the sink.

"…I was just sent a message."

More long, excruciating silence. Wufei tapped his foot against the opposite counter in impatience.

"…And?" They asked, not at all in unison and with dissonant, half-exasperated voices.

"It's from Relena. She's coming here."

All faces registered horror with this sudden news. Relena was coming and with her the entire entourage of weird and entirely undesirable people that seemed to follow in her stalker wake. Duo got to his feet and tossed his braid over his shoulder before going to the still-locked-door. He pulled on the handle and hammered against it with his hand. Quatre looked over at him with a small amount of concern.

"What are you doing now?"

"Trying to set off the bomb so I can at least put myself out of my misery."

"I never thought I'd say this, but I'll help," Heero said. All was silence.

Please do not deeply criticize my terrible writing; this is for fun after all. Thanks for reading and there will probably be more when I have more time.