A/N: This is just an idea I got when reading the third (I think it is, please correct me if I'm wrong) book, Escape From Azkaban. When Harry leaves Privet Drive and says something about Voldemort attacking him from behind the trash cans while he's walking? I just thought it'd be funny if he actually did. So, this is more of a joke, so no need to take it seriously. It is kind of making fun of it, but I love Harry Potter, so don't get upset if you find it as offending the books.
As Harry was angrily walking away from Privet Drive, he sparred a glance at the ally-way he was passing when something off about them made him stop and stare at them. He gingerly put his trunk onto the ground and curiously walked towards the trash cans as they started shaking.
"What the – " He started to mumble, when the lid off the trashcan flew open and Voldemort – the evil, badass wizard in a suit – was trying to pull a raccoon off his face and trying to curse it at the same time.
"AV - AVADA – KED –" The trashcan Voldemort was standing in tipped over and he and the carnivorous raccoon, Phil, toppled over onto the ground in an odd heap, leaving Harry Potter standing there, looking like someone just kicked his goldfish.
Finally, after struggling with Phil for a good five minutes, Voldemort was finialy able to pull him off his face and turned to his thirteen-year-old nemesis in a ditzy way, "Harrehh!" He stumbled toward The-Boy-Who-Lived looking quite happy and started to laugh, "Glad I found you! Ready for me to kill, yeh?"
Harry looked even more puzzled than before, "Er – No?"
Voldemort crossed his arms and stomped his foot like a five year old, "Why nooottt?"
"Because I don't want to die?"
"Yes you do." Voldemort grinned, his er – nose hole's flaring.
"No, I really don't. If I did, don't you think I would've killed myself by now?"
"No."
Harry facepalmed, "What did that raccoon do to you?"
"Tried to eat my face holes!" Voldemort looked pissed now.
Harry raised an eyebrow, "Face holes…?"
Voldemort nodded, "And now, I'm going to avada kedavra your face holes off!" He commenced his evil laugh and pointed his wand at Harry.
Harry lifted his wand and yelled, "Expelliarmus!" Making Voldemort's wand go flying.
Now wandless, the badass suit guy, yelled, "FUCK MY LIFE!" Then, still enraged with Harry Potter, he walked over to him and poked him in the bellybutton seven times.
Harry swatted his hand away, "What the hell was that for?"
"You made my wand go over the rainbow and to the woods, to the grandmother who I killed's house! So I rapped you!"
"No, you didn't."
"Uh-huh! Poking someone in the bellybutton seven times is considered rape somewhere!"
"So, what if I did that to you?" Voldemort smirked, "Good God, man! DO YOU EVEN HAVE A BELLYBUTTON?"
"Bwhahaha! I have no bellybutton, nose, or p –"
"Ew! Don't say that to me!"
Voldemort looked confused, then disgusted, "YOU HAVE A SICK MIND! I WAS GOING TO SAY PINK EYELIDS! CHILDRED THESE DAYS! THEY MAKE EVERYTHING DISGUSTING! NO WONDER YOU'RE HARD TO DEAL WITH!"
Harry smirked, "Hehe, hard."
Voldemort slapped him, then walked back to his trashcan, picked it up, then stepped into it, slowly dessending he said, "I'll be back to kill you, The-Boy-Who-Shall-Soon-Be-Dead!"
Harry slapped his knee, "VOLDEMORT'S NIPPLE!"
THE END! :D
A/N: I was just kind of bored obviously and had no idea where any of that was going, so sorry to waste your brain cells for you to read that. :] The thing about the bellybutton is an argument me and my friend have had, so if you'd like to weigh in on whether Voldemort would have a bellybutton or not, please do so in the comments. Oh and the Voldemort's nipple thing, that's off a video on YouTube, Potter Pals or something like that. Anyway, hope you er… Liked it? Actually, I don't mind if you didn't, it's really stupid. Anyway, thankums for reading :D
