This is not a story, this Alicia's letter to let go of Will after his death, that's her way of grieving.
For all the time we didn't have,
You were my best friend, you were so many things but above all, you were my best friend.
I can't talk about what happened, it's here, in my head and hear, I feel it in every part of my body but it won't get out, no sound would leave my mouth.
You were the only one who could make me talk, you were the only one who could help me get things off my chest, you would just listen and that was all I needed. Let me do it one last time, open up to you.
I am so angry, I can't even put words on it, I let you go thinking I hated you, I have been fighting with you, I have been arguing each of your words, I filled my eyes with anger every time I looked at you in court and I can't believe that's the last thing you have seen of me.
As I am writing those lines, I am in my bed, alone, I have been hiding for days and I don't know now if I want to hide forever or not hide anything anymore, I loved you with every inch and I never said it, to you or anyone else. The kind of love that changes everything, that takes your breath away, that makes you go through everything, I never told you how powerful it was.
Every time you entered a room I could feel your touch on my bare skin and it was the most transcending feeling I ever felt, I wish it would last forever but I know now it will fade away and disappear.
I never expected this day to happen, I always thought that no matter what, you would still be around because that has always been the case, talking to me or not, hating me or loving me, you were here, you were feeling.
After Georgetown, a new life started for me, I thought it was right, I thought it was meant to be, but it all collapsed, I thought I would touch the bottom and you were here. You were meant to be here, you gave me the strength and the opportunity to go on, and you never asked for anything in return.
You were my touchstone, you were my constant, but I never let you in, or more, I never let my self fully in our relationship.
When I said it was the happiest I had ever been, I meant it. I meant it for every minute I spent with you, for every time your hand held mine, for every time your breath went through my hair, for every time you laid your eyes on me.
When I let you go, I had no idea it was forever. There was no eternal dimension involved, but there is now. You are the one who left forever and there is nothing I can do about it.
Eventually, I will learn to live without you, I will find my way, but there is this part of my brain, this part of my heart where will remain all the things I left unsaid.
I will carry it with me but there is something that you deserved to hear.
I am sorry.
I am sorry my only way of dealing with my feelings to destroy everything we had.
I am sorry my pain was more bearable to me than my love for you.
I am sorry I protected everyone's feelings around me but yours.
I am sorry.
Will, you were my best friend, my one and only, my first, my last and I let you down.
I hope that you forgive me, I hope that you forgive me for not being here on that day, for not having said those things before, and for all the other things left unsaid.
It is too late, I know, but I need to say it to let you go.
Will, I love you like I never loved before.
