Special thanks to Zelda12343 for posting such a list up. It inspired me to make this!

Most of the jokes here aren't that…catchy. I know, and I'm sorry but I couldn't think of other stuff. But some of them are still good. I did 34.

Read, and review!

Things I, Chaff, am not allowed to do:

1. No head-diving on the stage. Haymitch will sue me. Tripping over my own foot is fine, though.

2. It's Peeta's job to kiss Katniss, not mine. It doesn't matter how pure she is.

3. Telling Enobaria that she needs braces is just asking for it. Also, never tell her it's unladylike to grin or tear people's flesh. Singing "All I Want for Christmas Are My Two Front Teeth" around her will get you in trouble too.

4. Whenever a tribute is about to fall into a pond of piranhas or a bunch of spikes or whatever, you shouldn't be screaming, "BELLY FLOP! BELLY FLOP!"

5. Don't even think about singing "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" to Mags. She's not gonna chuckle with understanding; she'll take it the wrong way.

6. The morphlings don't do commissions. Sorry.

7. It's rude to ask Cashmere if her curls are natural or permed.

8. Never tell Lyme that she shares a name with Lyme disease. You'll end up as a "guinea pig". It's probably not worth showing her those lovely pictures of skin rashes you found online either.

9. Glimmer's corpse does not need plastic surgery. Gloss was very clear.

10. Starting an animal rights foundation will not get you many opportunities to meet and bond with other victors.

11. Brutus does not want to know about his namesake, the stupid guy who got power by kissing the floor (a.k.a. Mother Earth).

12. Don't invite your friends from alcoholic visions to your house. The Peacekeepers will mug you.

13. Teaching Beetee how to say "snot" in Chinese will only lead to unnecessary complications.

14. Suggesting to the sponsors that they buy alcohol for the tributes will get them to go home.

15. Speaking of tributes: the purpose of a tribute is to provide entertainment for the Capitol, not to eat your leftover scraps.

16. Playing "I Love You Because" with Lyme and telling her that you love her because she helps the door renovation/repair industry will only get you into trouble.

17. Calling people in the Capitol "Random Capitol Freak 101" makes them angry.

18. Breath mints are not a good birthday present to give to Snow.

19. Team Peeta does not provide free cake.

20. Team Chaff, on the other hand, provides free beer.

21. No one wants free beer.

22. Cashmere is not a Barbie girl.

23. Gloss and Enobaria aren't either.

24. By the loosest definition, Brutus is NOT a Barbie girl.

25. Stacking a few lime-flavored ice cream scoops, sticking pretzels on the sides as hands and giving the whole thing to Lyme is not a nice gift. Don't add, "Enjoy yourself!"

26. Pepper spray will not fend off Finnick.

27. Turning on a metronome and putting it in a dark place will immediately set everyone into Code Yellow distress. (Code Yellow: Bomb attack)

28. The capital of District 2 is the Nut, not Sparta.

29. Asking Lyme if she has a Nut Museum in her house will end up with you trying to teach and explain Connecticut's history.

30. Making Finnick lifeguard of a pool of fan girls may result in serious consequences.

31. Seeder's bird feeders are for birds, not Chaffs.

32. Cashmere and Enobaria will dress up boys in girls' clothes.

33. They don't do that for guys older than 21. Exceptions are made if you're really cute.

34. I am not really cute. And I never was.