Chapter One: Memories and Nightmares: Katniss POV
"Leave me," he whispers. "I can't hang on."
"Yes. You can!" I tell him.
Peeta shakes his head. "I'm losing it. I'll go mad. Like them."
Like the mutts. Like a rabid beast bent on ripping my throat out. And here, finally here in this place, in these circumstances, I will really have to kill him. And Snow will win. Hot, bitter hatred courses through me. Snow has won too much already today.
It's a long shot, it's suicide maybe, but I do the only thing I can think of. I lean in and kiss Peeta full on the mouth. His whole body starts shuddering, but I keep my lips pressed to his until I have to come up for air. My hands slide up his wrists to clasp his. "Don't let him take you from me."
Peeta's panting hard as he fights the nightmares raging in his head. "No. I don't want to…"
I clench his hands to the point of pain. "Stay with me."
His pupils contract to pinpoints, dilate again rapidly, and then return to something resembling normalcy. "Always," he murmurs.
"Peeta!" I jerk awake and sit straight up in bed. My nightgown drenched in sweat sticks to my body as does my hair. I rub my eyes trying to erase the latest nightmare from my mind. We may have won the war, but Snow still succeeded in taking Peeta away from me. The sweet scent of Primroses drifting through my open window brings tears to my eyes. After planting them and helping me with the book of memories he left me.
He still lives next door and runs the rebuilt bakery, but the light … no the fire that was once in his blue eyes is gone. It's been replaced with Snow's lies and nightmares that plague him once the sun finally sets. It seems my Peeta, my Boy with the Bread, is truly gone leaving only an empty shell behind. Haymitch is no help. Every time I mention Peeta he tells me to leave him alone and give him time. It's been six months since Peeta walked away from me, and I fear he's never coming back.
The sound of a child's laughter draws my attention bringing me back to reality. I wipe away my tears, throw the covers off of me, and get out of bed. I walk into the bathroom and take a shower washing away the sweat and my tears. Ten minutes later, I walk down stairs to a smiling Greasy Sae and her young granddaughter. In spite of myself and my mood I can't help but smile back at the little girl. The one good thing to come of all this pain and lose is the end to the Hunger Games. At least this little girl won't know that kind of fear and pain.
The thought brightens my spirit slightly. "Good morning," I say before gently caressing the little girl's cheek.
"Good morning to you, Katniss. Sit down and eat your breakfast."
I nod my head and take a seat at the table. I'm grateful for Greasy Sae because I would have starved without her, but as my gaze falls on the house next door my heart breaks all over again. I quickly smile at Sae as she places a plate in front of me, but her sad eyes tell me what she does not. She saw my expression and I fight the tears flooding my eyes. I hate myself for being so weak, but after everything we've been through I've come to realize I love him. I love the Boy with the Bread, but it seems I've realized this fact too late.
"You should go talk to him."
I clear my throat, pick up my fork, and shake my head. What good would talking do if he no longer loved me? Being his friend was not going to be enough for me. I wanted more from him. I wanted the man who gave me the pearl on the beach. I wanted the man who promised to stay with me… Always.
"Katniss, you can't stay in this house forever. You need to go outside and breath in some fresh air. It'll do you some good."
"I'll think about it, Sae. Don't worry with the dishes. I'll clean them up," I say pushing the full plate away from me.
"All right, but please listen to old Sae. You both need to talk to each other in order to heal. Come on child, lets leave Katniss alone," Sae said shooing her granddaughter toward the door.
Left alone with nothing but my thoughts, I grab the plate and dump the food in the trash. I'm not hungry and even if I was I couldn't eat. My mind, stomach, and heart are tied up in knots as I quickly clean the dishes. My gaze falls on Peeta's house again and this time I let the tears fall. I cry until I have no tears left, and then I take a deep breath, wipe my cheeks. Sae's right I have to get out of this house before I go crazy.
My boots and father's jacket are in the hall closet. I grab them both as I head outside into the crisp morning air. Once the boots and jacket are on my body, I walk toward the fence that trapped us inside District 12 to starve at one time. Now its only purpose was protection from the wild animals deep in the forest. I retrieve my bow and arrows from their hiding place. The forest is alive with sounds and the peacefulness eases my troubled soul.
The sound of a twig snapping stills my heart. I wasn't alone after all. In the split second for my heart to begin beating again an arrow was poised to fly. Another twig snaps to my right, and my body responds only to have my breath catch in my throat. The bow and arrow slip from my hands landing silently at my feet. "Peeta."
"I'm sorry I startled you. I didn't know you would be out here," he replied smiling slightly before running a hand through his short blond hair.
"It's okay, really. I'm sorry I pointed an arrow at you… again," I say dropping my gaze. God, why did this have to hurt so much? His chuckle makes my eyes snap up to his handsome face.
"You didn't know who it was. You were ready to defend yourself like you always do. I can't hold that against you can I?"
His smile and the twinkle dancing in his blue eye bring a smile to my own lips. "I guess not. What are you doing out here anyway? I never pegged you for the nature type."
Peeta nodded his head as he bent down retrieving the bow and arrow. "Before the arena I wasn't. Now, this is the only place I can go when the nightmares start," he said holding out the bow and arrow to me.
"No, you hold on to them. After all you wanted them once before. Real or Not Real?"
"Real. And the look on your face was priceless by the way," he said smiling the same smile from the year before.
I return the smile before leading him toward the rock overlooking the mountains. With Gale gone in 2, it no longer felt like our spot anymore. I know he was never coming back to 12. I sit down and stare out over the beauty in front of me. Feeling Peeta's warmth beside me as he settles himself lifts my spirits a bit higher. Maybe I wasn't too late after all, I think, as I lay my head on his shoulder.
"Katniss," he says as his body goes completely still.
I lift my head as tears fill my eyes. I look away not wanting him to see me so weak. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable," I mumbled.
"Katniss, look at me."
I shake my head as more tears slide down my face. He can't see me weak. Stop it Katniss Everdeen! Pull yourself together!
"Katniss, please," he begs softly taking my chin in his strong hand and gently turns my face toward him. "Don't cry. It's not your fault," he says brushing the tears away.
His words bring more tears. "Yes, it is. All I do is hurt you."
His thumb slides along my chin as he shakes his head denying my comment. "You've never hurt me, Katniss."
As more tears slide down my cheeks, I pull my face out of his gentle hold. "God, Peeta, yes, I have. First, it was the bread, then the Tracker Jackers, then your leg, then the force field, and finally with Snow. He tortured you because of me! Your nightmares are my entire fault! And that's why you left me, because you know it's true," I say climbing to my feet.
"Katniss, I may not remember everything yet, but I will. And no, it's not true by the way," he said climbing slowly to his feet.
I turn toward him my arms crossed tightly across my chest. "What?"
"I said no, it's not true. Snow tortured me and turned my memories of you into nightmares that is true, but it's not the reason I walked away. I walked away to protect you from me.
I frown up at him. "I don't understand, Peeta. You haven't hurt me. You wouldn't hurt me," I insist. I know in my heart Peeta wouldn't hurt me. I just had to make him see that. He had to understand we're strongest when we're together.
He sighed apparently frustrated and closed the distance between us quickly. His blue eyes bore into my gray ones as both of his hands gently cupped my face. "But I could, and that scares me to death. You're all I have left in this world, and if I ever hurt you I would go mad. I care about you too much to risk it."
His words smashed into me like a ton of bricks. I care about you, not I love you, too much to risk it. I was right after all. Peeta no longer loved me. Instead I was nothing more than a friend. My heart shattered into a million pieces as I stepped backwards away from his touch.
"Then I'll leave so you can live in peace. You won't have to be afraid of hurting me. I promise," I say before turning away and running into the forest toward 12.
I hear him calling my name, but I don't stop. My legs and lungs are burning by the time I reach my home in Victor's Village. I needed to move quickly before I change my mind, and before Peeta made it back from the Meadow. I had to be strong for both of us. Buttercup watches me as I enter the bedroom and grab a small suitcase.
"I'm leaving, so if you're coming get up," I say a few minutes later turning my gaze toward the cat as I slam the case shut.
He returns the gaze then lays his head back down on his paws. He was staying. Fine, he could stay and starve, but I knew he wouldn't. He would find a way out of the house and either find me or find food. I nod my head before I grab the suitcase and walk out of the room heading downstairs. I walk out the front door, with the suitcase and game back full of food, shutting it behind me not bothering to lock it and slip into a clump of trees unnoticed as Peeta reaches my front door.
"Katniss, open the door, please. I know you're in there. Katniss," he calls turning the knob.
I watch a look of pure terror and worry cross his face as he runs inside yelling my name. My heart skips a beat and my head yells at me to go to him. Let him know I was fine, but I don't move from my hiding spot. He made his choice clear, but it's a choice I can't live with. Perhaps one day with time I'll be able to accept it and resign to just be his friend, but right now it simply hurt too much. My eyes refocus on the front door as Peeta steps out carrying Buttercup in his arms.
"What's all the yelling about?"
"Katniss is gone."
Haymitch shakes his head and rubs a hand over his face. "She probably went to town or the woods. I wouldn't worry about her."
"Haymitch, you don't understand. We had an argument and she ran off. I thought to here, but she's gone. She grabbed some clothes, food, and left. I have to find her," Peeta insisted.
Haymitch grabbed a fistful of Peeta's shirt halting him in his tracks. "No, what you are going to do is leave her alone."
"But Haymitch…"
"No, Peeta, you listen to me. Let her go. That girl has been through hell. I'm not saying you haven't, but look at it from her perspective. Before this all happened you loved her. You'd do anything for her even die for her."
"Haymitch, I don't remember."
"I know that Peeta, but I do," Haymitch said releasing his hold on Peeta. "It took her two Hunger Games to realize she cared for you. Hell, she might have even loved you I don't know. But the one thing I do know is after we rescued you she was so happy to have you back. She might have told you she loved you if not for Snow's hijacking. Peeta, that killed her spirit, and I saw a different Katniss after that."
"What do you mean?"
"She was just as determined as ever to kill Snow, but she didn't care if she lived or died afterwards. She had no reason to live. Yes, she still had her Mother and Prim, but you hated her. The boy who risked everything to keep her safe hated her."
"She didn't act like she cared about me."
"Peeta, you tried to kill her with your bare hands."
"She couldn't even answer the question, Haymitch. I asked her if she loved me."
"Are you not listening to me? Put yourself in her shoes. She was the one that loved you then was taken away, hijacked, rescued, tried to kill you, then hated you. Could you take the pain of admitting you actually loved her after all that? Knowing the fact she no longer loved you and probably never would again?"
I see the words start sinking in, but I'm standing there hidden in complete shock. Was I that easy to read? And when did Haymitch have time to read me when he was busy being drunk all the time? My thoughts come to a complete halt as my nightmare from the night before comes back with a vengeance. The only difference is this time its Haymitch asking Peeta the question instead of me.
"Do you remember her asking you to stay with her in those tunnels?"
Peeta doesn't verbally answer. Instead, he slowly nods his head yes. He should remember, I think. Snow didn't hurt that memory since it happened after he was rescued.
"What did you say to her, Peeta?"
"I said always. How do you know that, Haymitch? You weren't there."
Haymitch smiles before clapping Peeta on the shoulder. "You both talk in your sleep. The point is to just give her some time to sort things out. That's what I told her to do when she wanted to first find you when you walked away, and now I'm telling you the same thing. And my good deed is done for the day. I need a drink," he said walking away leaving Peeta standing there on my porch with Buttercup still in his arms.
I've heard all I can stand to hear. I quietly sink back farther into the trees before I make my way toward the fence heading back into the forest. I don't pass anyone on the street and I'm thankful for that. At least I can hide out here for a while without either Haymitch or Peeta eventually finding me.
The cool crisp air refreshes me while my feet carry me back to my lake and the small concrete house. It seemed the Capitol didn't drop bombs this far into the forest when they destroyed 12. I'm exhausted and out of breath when I finally reach the lake, but I know here I'd be left alone. Neither Haymitch nor Peeta knew about this place unless they ventured out here which I doubt either one has. My gaze falls on the lake and I smile before suddenly I freeze sensing another presence. I turn around and there sitting so calmly you'd think she was a statue was a girl of about sixteen with long dark hair and bright blue eyes.
The breath in my throat catches as I stare into those eyes. They remind me so much of Peeta's eyes, and I can't help the sudden tears that slid down my face. Those blue eyes bore into my own as the girl rises to her feet to approach me. Who was this girl, and why wasn't I moving?
"You can't run away from him any more than he can run away from you."
"What? Who are you?"
"Who I am doesn't matter. What matters is you and Peeta belong together, Katniss."
I stare at the girl in shock and finally take a staggered step backwards. "How do you know my name?"
She smiles and raises her eyebrows and for a split second I think I'm looking at Peeta. "You're the Mockingjay aren't you," she states instead of asks.
"That doesn't explain how you know me or Peeta."
"It doesn't matter. What matters is righting a wrong while there's still time to do it."
What wrong? What was she talking about? And what did it have to do with me or Peeta? I open my mouth to ask but a bright flash on her wrist draws my attention. My eyes fall to a cuff wrapped around her wrist and it reminds me of Gale's communication cuff from 13. No, my mind screams, I would not be the Mockingjay in another war.
"Who are you?"
She looks at her cuff reading the words that come across it before sighing. "I have to go, but I'll be back," she says taking a step away from me.
"Who are you," I demand reaching for an arrow only to realize in my haste to escape I forgot my bow and arrows.
A wave of different emotions flashed across her young face before settling on something resembling sorrow. "I can't tell you my name, but you can call me RPM. I really do have to go. I'm sorry," she replies before turning and sprinting around the side of the concrete house.
I follow her to insist she tell me her name only to find her gone. I look around and inside the small house for fifteen minutes, but there's no sign of the girl. I'm left all alone wondering who she really was and why she reminded me so much of Peeta. The growl of my stomach draws my attention, and I decide there was nothing more I could really do until the next morning. I walk inside the house and sit down to a meal all the while watching the shadows creep across the room as the sun sets wondering what nightmares this night would bring me.
