nobody cares, nobody fucking cares.
It was only 10:00 AM, the very start of second period. The second bell rang and I had gotten but a few short steps away from my history class when a loud, voice shouted at me:
"Hannah I hope you know everyone knows about how you came on to me last night. Thanks for that by the way, I needed a quickie."
how many chances could I give all of you? how many times could I break down my barrier and hope you'd all realise I was hurting? How many times did I cry myself to sleep at night, blaming myself for it all? too many.
I was frozen still, anxiety overtook me. He's really bragging about last night. I bet all of his friends don't realise they're hanging around with a rapist. Or they do know, and just don't care. It wouldn't be the first time and it certainly wouldn't surprise me.
Jessica and Clay, I just want you both to know I saw you; watching Bryce and his goons patronise me from behind your lockers, staring at the floor every time I pleaded for help. You saw i was in need, and chose to ignore me. thanks.
But don't put the blame on yourselves. It's my fault for trusting you, each and everyone one of you. I chose to let you in, i chose to be friends with all of you people, and you took advantage of me in one way or another, but it's okay because it was my fault, my silly little fault - like always.
It's a never-ending pain. Going through school knowing that you aren't safe of the rumours, I wasn't safe fucking physically either. Within the same month i've had my first kiss and my virginity stolen from me, i'll never ever get them back, but it doesn't matter because that day, that very moment I made a decision. I, Hannah Baker - am going to kill myself.
We are all human, we all have our shit days where we don't want to talk or the days where we just can't help but listen to the latest bit of gossip, I've had my fair share. We all make mistakes i'm aware. But we can't go back on anything, we can't reverse brutal words said, disgusting actions taken, lives ruined. What hurts the most is how you all pretended my pain wasn't there, like I had conjured it out of thin air. But I know you all noticed. When my mascara was streaming down my face, When I isolated myself from everything and everyone because of the rumours, When fresh cuts appeared on my arm after a particularly bad day at school. You all noticed and you all said nothing.
So, i'm leaving this note enclosed in a box of tapes; but that's another story that'll you'll all find out about very very soon. This is really all I have left to say, everything else will all make sense soon.
Thanks for nothing everyone,
Hannah Baker xxx
