Chapter One: 'Quentin is Clever'
Quentin Warmwater was a depressed teenager. Not because his name was ridiculous, not because he was poor or unattractive or had dead parents or any other conventional reason for teenage depression in a literary context. No, Quentin 'privileged' Icewater was upset because he wasn't living in Narnia.
Ever since he was a young rich American boy, Quentin Frigidwater had dreamed of leaving his world of comfort filled with caring family, supportive friends and a generic love interest and journey beyond to a world he had read about in an incomplete book series he discovered when he was 6. If you think that's illogical and a bit weird especially since Quentin Hotwater is now 18 and also apparently very clever then you haven't seen anything yet.
Our tale begins with Quentin, Julia and Love-Rival walking down the street. No, his name isn't Love-Rival but it might as well be. Besides, it doesn't matter anyway since he's only in the first chapter.
"Hey Julia, wanna kiss in front of Quentin?" said Love-Rival. His arms swinging in and out of the visible spectrum due to how two dimensional his character was.
"Yes" said Julia.
"Curse you, Love-Rival. You win this time" thought Quentin, his hands clenched into fists, gnashing his teeth audibly. The duo (Love-Rival doesn't count as a character) were on their way down the road to try and acquire a job for Quentin. Now it just so happens that as well as being best friends, the gang were also the most intelligent teenagers in the whole of North America. Quentin Tepidwater is very academically clever. Don't worry if you didn't pick up on the subtle hint at how brainy Quentin is, I will repeat it several times per page just to make sure everyone knows. Anyway Quentin 'clever' Clearwater and his mates were heading to get jobs. Jobs that you need to be really clever in order to get (hint, hint).
Upon turning the corner of [American street name] Quentin and the crew stumbled across an arctic fox.
"Is it just me or is that fox really arousing?" said Quentin, hunger bubbling like bubbles behind his bubble shaped eyes.
"Yes" said Julia who was still holding hands with Love-Rival.
Suddenly the suspicious fox turned into an equally suspicious fit woman.
"You're fit" said Quentin.
Wordlessly the woman handed them all pieces of paper with 'Call to adventure' written on them. She also gave Quentin a book titled 'Narnia Book 8: Magicians(the)'. Yes, well done reader(s), that's the title of the book you're reading, you must be as clever as Quentin.
"But everyone knows that there are only seven Narnia novels" gasped Quentin, his clever eyes brimming with tears like a lover with herpes.
"Yeah well now there are eight. Whatever you do, don't lose that book because it is important for the plot" said the fox-lady.
"Okay then!" exclaimed Quentin before promptly losing the book without even reading a page. God knows why he didn't read it since his whole life revolves around wishing he lived in it.
"Well anyway, you kids had best heed the call to adventure now. Walk down that alleyway over there" said the foxy lady before promptly vanishing.
"No" said Julia.
And so, Quentin 'Third Wheel' Shallowwater walked down the mysterious alleyway leaving his privileged life and loving friends behind him. Where does he end up? Have a guess, dear reader(s). If you guessed Narnia, then you are wrong. Quentin found himself in front of an old school. Its fine though, Quentin loves school because he is really clever. A boy who looked about a year older than him (that's 19 years old if haven't been paying attention) was perched on a wall.
"Helloooo! My name is Elliot and I'm the alcoholic gay character" said the boy. "Welcome to Hogwarts school of witchcraft and anxiety. Normally there would be an entrance exam but you pass by default because you're the protagonist".
Quentin watched in awe as Elliot struck a cool pose and lit a cigarette. And then another cigarette, and another. By the way Elliot is to smoking what Quentin is to being clever.
"Come forwards Quentin Stagnantwater, come forth and embrace your destiny as a wizard."
So, at last Quentin had a purpose in life. He had finally discovered how to not be depressed when you have a privileged life like his. The solution was simple: Become a goddamn wizard.
Elliot grabbed Quentin with a hand that smelled pungently of alcohol, cigarettes and gay. He led him down a long winding corridor deep into the heart of the old school building after informing Quentin that they were going to meet the head teacher: Dean Foggy.
They arrived at a door and Elliot patted Quentin on the bum before disappearing in a cloud of cigarette smoke, wine and semen. Quentin Toxicwater gazed at the door. There was an indescribable feeling he got from that door. Almost as if it were…British.
Then the British door's British handle creaked and the British door swung open Britishly. Quentin found himself in a British-looking room filled with British objects. The carpet was British, the desk was British, all the desk ornaments were British. There were several Union Jack flags hanging from the British ceiling which was painted to look like a map of Britain. There was a small British table with a British plate perched on it which contained crumpets, Shepard's pie, game pie, bangers and mash, tea and a full English breakfast. However, the man sitting on the British chair behind the British desk was clearly an American. Although he was wearing a British suit and a bowler hat.
The American man leaned forward in the British fashion, gave a wide, British grin and said in a false British accent:
"I'm British, don't you know?".
Quentin Liquidwater took a step back and closed the British door signalling the end of the first chapter with a very British 'clunk' sound.
