Chapter 1: The Nightmare
I awoke with a start. My body was covered in sweat and my heart was racing so fast that I could feel it beating against my chest. Even though I had my biPAP on I was struggling for breath more than normal.
"Please tell me it was a dream. Please God tell me it was a dream!" I panted as I reached for my cell phone.
I yanked the biPAP off my face as the phone began to dial. It rang three times before going to voicemail.
"No!" I cried out. I was so disorientated. I looked at the clock. It was only 11:37 at night. He should still be up…if it was a dream. Why didn't he answer? It had to be a dream. I dialed the oh so familiar number but the response was the same.
"Mom!" I cried out reaching for my nasal cannula. By this point with the panic and having my biPAP off for more than a few minutes my lungs were burning for air. At this point I had started to cry.
"Hazel?" My mom asked frantically running into my room her already pale face looking more gaunt and pale with the dim light from the hallway shinning on her fragile exhausted frame.
"Mom. Gus? Mom…" was all I could squeak out before letting loose to my hysteria.
"Oh Hazel. Did Mrs. Waters call?" she asked sitting beside me pulling me into her.
"Call? So its true? It wasn't a nightmare after all?" I blurted out into a loud heavy sob.
Just then my phone vibrated in my hand. I had forgotten that I had it in a death grip. Gus appeared on the caller ID.
"Gus?!" I blubbered into the phone.
"No Hazel, this is his mother. Gus is resting right now. The round of chemo today really took a toll on him. I heard his phone go off twice and when I saw it was you I thought it could be important so I called back. Is everything alright?"
"He's alive!" I exclaimed into the phone my body shaking with the dramatic change of emotion.
"Yes." His mother replied in a worried tone.
"I am so happy. I had this terrible dream that we had lost him and it just felt so real. I just can't believe it. I have to see him!"
"Hazel it's almost midnight." Both mothers said at the same time.
"Please I need to. It's important."
There was silence on the other line before she finally replied. "I know that he would want to see you if you're this upset to help you relax. I suppose if your parents can drive you but only for a few. You both need your rest."
"Mom can you please drive me over there. Please. I have to see it for myself that he is still here."
"I suppose. Let me change." Mom said a concerned smile across her face. I know she worried about the day that my dream could come true. She knows that a huge part of me will die if I lost him. But I don't allow myself to think that way. If God could give me my miracle then He could save Augustus. He is so much more deserving of a miracle than I am.
The ride over to his house seemed to take an eternity. I know that it was really only a fifteen minute drive but by the time I reached his front door it seemed like a week had passed. As I knocked on the door his mother immediately opened it.
"Please come in." the same tired concerned smile on her face that my mom had permanently on her's. "He's down stairs." She nodded at me. I simply nodded back before walking as fast as I could lugging my oxygen tank along behind me.
As I reached the bottom of the stairs I saw the outline of his body curled up in bed. I breathed a sigh of relief knowing that the last time I saw him in my dream was when we were closing his casket at his funeral. I walked over and lifted the blanket curling up next to him. He was overly warm and smelled of the toxic smell of chemo. Even though I have had it off and on the last three years it is a smell you never really get used to. But this time I welcomed it because it meant he was still here beside me.
He slowly turned toward me, awkwardly wrapping an arm around me.
"Hazel Grace." A dry wraspy voice responded.
"No Isaac." I murmured in my best Isaac impersonation.
"I am so glad you're here but how? Why?" he asked his voice slowly starting to sound like my Gus.
"I had a bad dream and I missed you. I missed this." I said referring to the cuddling.
After getting back from Amsterdam and getting the news of Gus's diagnosis, there hasn't been much time for cuddling. He was usually very sick and weak and visitors were limited due to his compromised immune system. He was on his third round of experimental treatment and it seemed this one wasn't doing much better than any of the others. I had recently become more spiritual because at this point prayer was my last resort in saving Gus.
"This is the best form of treatment right here. Being with the one I love. I wish you never had to leave." He kissed the top of my hair.
I wished this too. Neither of us were going to live to a ripe old age of 80. It only seemed fair that we got to spend every moment of what we have left together. I could hear him breathing heavily. I knew he was asleep. I laid their holding Gus listening to him breathe, feeling his chest rise and fall beneath my arm. I felt like for the first time in many years I was able to take a deep breath and relax. My eyes became very heavy and I let myself go to a place where only happy dreams occur and that's in my Gus's arms.
